Am I selfish, a bad neighbour or just plain spiteful?

I'd say THEY were being unreasonable. Sod them.

To Doodledog

Thanks for flagging that up. People have different styles of speech or requests. I have fallen foul of being a hinter in a largely asker household. I’m trying to be more straightforward . It doesn’t come easy. It almost seems impolite to me.

I am surprised many times on Gn by the direct way some posters reply to a query by their ‘ just get on with it ‘ attitudes. Black and white. No shades of grey.

budge over ladies, one more for the sofa! I think your neighbours are selfish and cheeky. We've only lived here 5years, we're over 70 but no messages through the door offering help for us. Indeed it was us sharing our boxes of veges! I was able to get flour from a grocery warehouse via my SIL and I shared that (the lovely benefit of that has been some deliveries of cupcakes from the mum of the young couple next door who was touched by our sharing). We often take in their parcels when theyre at work & he, bless him, lept in and gave a hand to move our old bed out for the council collection when we updated our bedroom (only just managed that pre lockdown). We count ourselves lucky to have them. On the other hand we are still getting mail marked confidential addressed to the previous occupants of this house, we started off by dropping it through their new letterbox, then we had to start writing on the many envelopes 'please notify the sender of your new address' then as time wore on and the mail kept coming we started to mark it 'nolonger this address - new address is xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx' Now nearly 5 years on we got so fed up, especially when their daughter turned up on our doorstep accusing us of deliberately keeping her mail & being very rude, we just mark it all 'return to sender, address unknown' (they were all from banks & addressed to various familymembers). We decided enough was enough.

Favours are a 2 way street. If they're not, then one party is taking the mick (unless they're in a particularly difficult position)

I think it’s more about givers and takers. No prizes for guessing which is which in this scenario.

Oldwoman70 it would be best to try and take a step back and not be so readily available to help. Try asking them to do something for you and see what response you get.

Sussexborn I too have had experience of someone who became more and more demanding. The small things that Mr J and I did were never enough she just wanted more and more. When Mr J became ill this person was most put out that we could no longer do things for her and showed no empathy for us at all but simply walked away because we no longer met her needs. A big learning curve for us showing how important it is to put your own needs first before you can attempt to help others.

Unreasonable. What did their last servant die of---that's what I'd be asking them.
What's more I wouldn't be ducking either.

No, you are definitely being unreasonable!

Although I'm lucky I to have Mr P, his shopping can be a bit erm, well, let's say hit and miss!

My lovely neighbour understands this, and has offered to pick up items for me, and also offered to add things to either her delivery order, or her click and collect.

She even offered to look out for surfinias for my hanging baskets.

Daren't ask Mr P, he doesn't know a clematis from chlamydia!

Oh heck!

Definitely NOT being unreasonable!

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

I think you are right.

You aren't being unreasonable. You sound like a very good neighbour. I think your neighbours have been really mean.

I did something similar. I have to sheild but I need food and when i approached someone for help i was told no so i had to go to supermarkets like it or not..i couldnt get a slot for weeks and when i did over half of the food didnt arrive! so off i went and checked on 3 neighbours 1 with children 1 couple 1 single lady......i picked up bits for the couple for a fair few trips, which i must add i was very happy to do, but then i asked one day to be told..oh no thanks we got a shopping slot and so we are ok! not a word to me not an ask if i needed anything nothing. The people with children did tell me they were going to town and asked if i wanted anything and as silly as it sounds i was touched someone had asked me!

You had me worried there, phoenix! I thought you were going to need one of Callistemon’s sofas just for you.

Old woman I admire you for (rightly) saying no. I would have been cowardly, said yes, and been castigating myself. Well done. Different if they had helped you when they were going shopping. doodledog has a point though. I wonder if you are brave enough - I think you are - to ask them to fetch you something that was missed from your delivery. Then. You’ll know and maybe the answer will be better than you guess. Nothing venture, nothing gained. Now off to practise saying ‘no’. I might be gone for some time.

i had got into difficulties with a neighbour. very complicated.
but now i have not spoken to her for about 6 weeks, and of course i cannot visit.
it was not a conscious decision at the time, and i had tried to distance myself several times before.
she has owed me a lot of money, but that is the least of it. it was being used, manipulated, and kind of crushed between her and her family.
i have simply decided to look after myself.
right from the beginning i had doubts about her values, but i guess we see what we want to, and i was vulnerable.
we are different types of people, our families are/were different types, and i know where i belong and choose to be.
i have endured lots of bashing, undermining, but i must have been complicit in allowing it to continue, as a distraction to deeper distress.
sorry folks, rambling off topic.

You are not at fault, the neighbour is cheeky.
We struggled for weeks, no family to shop for us and the young neighbour avoided us like the plague. Just wait until she wants her multitude of parcels taken in, not going to happen.

What did they say when you pointed out that had never asked if you needed help?

You were absolutely right and I admire your courage in telling them.

I was doing shopping for a neighbour & all he did was moan that I hadn't got all Organic products as he had requested. Every time I told him that I would have got Organic if they had them but they didn't!! I even asked the manager & he confirmed they were not getting much in the way of organic as it did not keep so well.
Eventually to save my sanity I got my DH to do his shopping as he didn't moan at him as much. Eventually we put him in touch with a local service that gets it's products from farm shops so he can get what he wants himself.
I was shopping for 2 other neighbours too so it is a relief to lose him!

I think that not only were your neighbours rude in asking but that their way of approaching you was way off acceptable.

How on earth were they proposing to repay you? like other posters have said what about substitutions? what about the handover of goods? All just inconvenient for you. I'm glad you did not get involved, you've saved yourself trouble.

You need to know yourself that you're a decent neighbour and go out of your way. Forget these chancers, that's all they are. x

They are users, nothing more to say

I think they have a blooming cheek. I would have done the same thing as you

They are the bad neighbours not you. I agree Ok about the parcel but totally NOT Ok to ask you to add to your delivery. Nobody likes the new supermarket queueing/ one way/ masks/ gloves /shortages etc but we have to live with this for quite some time. at our local Tesco some staff are wearing 'We're in this together ' t-shirts and they are right and we all have some responsibility to each other.
Take care folks and listen to the blackbirds singing for joy!

Oh no, you are not a bad neighbour at all!
Taking in parcels, holding keys etc is generally being a good neighbour but I wonder if those neighbours do the same for you ?
To try and muscle in on your supermarket delivery is , to me, an absolute no no especially because it's just because your neighbour is lazy!
If you had agreed, what would have happened if you had both ordered the same item and only one arrived ? I guess the neighbour would have expected you to give it to them and how did they expect to do the division of the items? That would have been down to you I expect!
Don't worry about their sulking - sometimes you just have to draw the line.

OldWoman70 - not unreasonable - but I would put a note through your neigh our’s door simply saying Click and Collect - I too am 70 but unlike you I have never been out shopping and my daughter who lives close by has added me to all her various deliveries - the milkman, the farm, the groceries - No supermarket delivery slots available but now there are lots of click and collect slots free if you plan your shopping and If you spend over £40 there’s no charge to have someone do your shopping for you. I have been doing this for the past four weeks now and it works a treat - there’s no queue and I’m in south London where the population is huge. I wouldn’t add another persons groceries on to mine because the effort of doing the shopping this way is so little and the idea of having to work out the bill and ask for money is a pain. You were right to refuse.