Friend taken a step too far I feel

I see other people breaking the rules/guidelines constantly, I'm suffering as much as them from the lockdown, my eldest daughter and grandson live 2 1/2 hours drive away and I haven't seen them for nearly 4 months (except on video), but I understand why things have to be this way. A pregnant work colleague of mine, who didn't want to come to work because of the "risks", posts photos and videos on social media of family gatherings in her house and garden, with the adults non-social distancing and cuddling/kissing young children. Not sure why some people think the rules don't apply to them but I try really hard to ignore it and just get on with our lives.

I think 1 metre distance outside while both wearing a mask and maybe a touch on the arm over clothes when you say goodbye to a loved one is safe and acceptable, but we all have to decide for ourselves. The sad fact is that so often the most vulnerable are also in most need of a hug to show them that someone cares.

Frosty60. I get angry to. I've seen my daughter and 2 teenage granddaughters, they live along three road and they've sat at a distance in my back garden, coming in the side gate. But my 4yr grandson lives quite a way, I don't live on my own, so haven't seen him since Feb. Although we normally see him about every 6 weeks. My brother and sil, decided to visit her grandchildren go into the house for tea. And had lots of cuddles with her grandchildren. I got quite very annoyed when she told me and informed her it's against get rules. But she replied ah well, we decided it's ok to cuddle but not kiss them. My reply was it's wrong what you did. And ended the phone call quickly before I said much more. Still really annoyed.

Hi Frosty60. I understand why you are upset. This is a friend, not a neighbour so you are emotionally connected. Friendships are made for lots of reasons and shared values are high on the list. Your friend has done something very significant that broke rules and not only that - she told you. It says something about her that she didn't keep her actions to herself from either embarrassment or empathy. She knows you are missing your family too after all.
As others say, you need look after your own but you'll feel different about your friend for a while.

Maybe just worry about your own actions and whether you believe you are doing the correct thing.

We have self isolated since the start of lockdown as dh and I are both in an at risk category. My dsd has self isolated for that time too as her little ds has multiple health problems and she’s beginning to feel the stress. Yesterday she visited us for a socially isolated picnic in the garden. It was cold so we ended up 2+ meters apart in the living room. That’s definitely against “The Rules” but poses no risk to anyone. We have decided we will do this weekly. If the weather good then we can stay outside. If not, so be it.

I think we all must stay as safe as possible but the government rules make so little sense sometimes that I think it’s time for me to use my common sense.

I think Suedonim gave a really good answer - lets not spend time and energy on things we cannot change, while still doing what we think is OK. I know it is hard! but one of the good questions in relation to our thoughts and actions is "Is this helping me or not?" I got that from an excellent TED talk
www.ted.com/talks/lucy_hone_the_three_secrets_of_resilient_people? I hope this link will work - she is talking about how to get through difficult times, including personal loss. It applies to most of our lives - not just when we have challenges.

We are not all in it together judging by the behaviour of some of my neighbours. I know I will not feel the same about them if we ever become virus free.
I have saw my grandchildren 3 times since March and feel I have kept to the rules for the greater good but sadly not everyone feels the same.

I have no interest in whether my neighbours are obeying the rules or not. It is none of my business. The expression " don't sweat the small stuff" comes to mind.

The reason why we are judgemental is because those behaving badly can spread the virus and that affects us, others and NHS. What we dread most is being forced to go back to lockdown or even have huge breaks on the easing. Millions in the country so many more people that can get it. Very dodgy when not all have obvious symptoms. Everyone will have cuddles sooner than those with family living in another country like several people I know.

It is very upsetting when we have all tried so hard to keep to the rules. Fortunately, my son and family have cared enough to shop etc for me but keep the social distance. I live in Wales so we can only travel five miles anyway. The past couple of weeks I have been able to drive to my sons ( only a mile or so away) and collect my shopping , sit in the garden with my granddaughter and see my family. This has made such a difference. Apart from that I have not been near a shop since the middle of March. Even My DIL has been avoiding supermarkets where possible and if she has to go chooses her time very carefully.

I have an elderly friend who I have known since I was a little girl, she 's one of the kindest people you could wish to meet. She is not in good health, her husband who is 87 years old is on the shielding list. They live on a small farm which their son works, he has severe asthma, his wife has MS and had to have a kidney removed last year, They have a teenage son. They have carried on as if nothing has happened the son and grandson have their breakfast and dinner at his Mums. The DIL ( who never visited) turns up frequently. The son goes to various places places to pick up the people that normally help him with the work load.

I have begged her to take care but all I get is ' please don't shout at me!' We live in a rural village and there have been four deaths in the area.

We have to turn a blind eye and concern ourselves with the fact that we are trying to do the right thing.

The coronavirus problem is temporary, a friend can be there throughout your life. I'd urge everyone not to judge or ditch their friends based on their choices for what will turn out to be a very short phase. Judge them on how they've behaved through all the rest of the time you've known them. Keep yourself safe by doing what you know you should, and just hope your friend and her family get away with their indiscretions so they will still be there for you when it's all over.

I do not consider the spread of this virus small stuff inishowen.

Why be jealous of someone who is not only risking themselves but also their families? I was supposed to sit in the garden with my Son and Grandson before he went back to nursery but it rained like heck so I couldn't. Did that mean I resented other people who were/are lucky enough to see their Grandchildren? My Daughter is holding a first Birthday Party for my Grandaughter and I could have been one of the "Bubble" but she is also inviting a Paramedic so I have chosen not to go. I could be jealous or churlish but I choose to see it that my daughter is cementing friendships which will make her happier in the long run.
It seems to me that your friend understands that you are struggling which is why she turned up bearing gifts but in return you are feeling anger because she is desperate enough to break the rules. Perhaps try to dwell on the nice parts of your relationship rather than her misdemeanours. None of us know what it is like to walk in another's shoes. Anger and jealousy are such destructive feelings, they just make you feel worse whereas positive thoughts are more uplifting and will help you get through these strange times.

My neighbour had her hairdresser into her house a couple of days ago. This together with some comings and goings in the household doesn't seem sensible to me.

So worrying when people post that they or others have done things they think are OK when clearly they aren’t. Going indoors increases the chances of spreading, whatever distancing you practice. Touching someone on the arm is just as risky as kissing them. Sitting down, touching items, opening doors etc. All will spread the virus. Even if you are all symptom free, any one could be incubating the virus. If you have the virus, you shed it constantly. You shed it everywhere you stand, sit or walk. Even meeting in a garden is not totally risk free, it’s just a better option if you’re desperate to visit.
Everyone has to take responsibility for their actions. Personally I really don’t want to be responsible for infecting any other person so I’ll follow my own risk assessment.
I think many people would be better able to cope if they knew everyone was doing their best. Unfortunately some people are doing their best to spread it.

Our 1 year old granddaughter is going to be a beach baby. We’re in Spain and we can go into the beaches now. Does anyone have any great tips on handling sand sea and everything else that involves taking a 1 year old onto sand ? One I’ve remembered is talc and a small paint brush to get sand off feet and legs. Just wondering if anyone had some inspiring ideas ?

Oops sorry thought I was starting a new thread I’ll remove and post correctly

Nannan 2. I don't follow advice from Boris. When you're on the 'endangered species' list as I am, you don't need a politician to tell you what to do. So you use your common sense.
I might listen to Chris Whitty though ?

So sorry don’t know how to delete - how embarrassing

What you are feeling is what a lot of people are feeling. My neighbour in Scotland is isolating with her husband who has to shield and is terribly distressed about not seeing her only grandchild who is three and in London. This time when there is a possibility of coming out of strict isolation is a very difficult time for us all. The world suddenly changed dramatically, we were in shock, adjusted to an extent, but now we are realising how impossible it is going to be to live in isolation from our families and much else long term. But the world is still unsafe. We are beginning to realise that we are probably going to have to make compromises between safety and love and desire. And that is a hard thing. None of us can be sure where we will draw that line and what the cost may be or what is in front of us all. You have so far drawn a strict line and felt supported by the idea that you are following communal rules set for you. But it is increasingly agonising. Your neighbour has made her own decision to see her family again. You are so upset because it is throwing up all these issues for you. Should you follow your heart as she has and as you long to do even if this means possibly endangering yourself, your family and the community and taking upon yourself full responsibility for making that decision with the guilt and fear it involves. On the other hand the isolation from each other is also hurting you and your family and causing anguish and feels unsustainable and destructive itself. We are all of us or almost all of us feeling this sort of unease and stress at the moment. There are not easy answers for any of us. You are projecting all these feelings onto your neighbour and that is a big part of what is fuelling your anger with her as one individual person. I think you know this really. She sounds as if she cares for you and is kind. It is hard to accept anger from another person. It is often easier to reject someone who is angry. On the other hand she may not be able to easily cope with being judged by you and it may be important for her to try to keep your friendship. Is the friendship important to you too? Anger is destructive to the person who is feeling it. You could forgive her. But it may be too difficult to be near her at the moment while you are wrestling with your own situation. I am having these feelings too. I would say many, many people are. It is the times not ourselves that are at fault. We can only each do the best we can and endure as best we can. Good luck and my sympathy and fellow feeling.

Whatever we say or do, some people will follow the rules and some won’t. The extent to which that spreads the virus or not is out of our control. Can people please stop being resentful of what other people do, and get on with living their own lives? I see so much anger, spite and bitterness on GN and it achieves nothing.

I keep the rules. I have neighbours who break them big time. What does one achieve by getting stroppy? Only harm to oneself (stress, ulcer) or harm to those one is in contact with because one whinges all the time, makes their lives miserable and causes them to worry. Take a deep breath. Say ‘sod them!’ And then get on with enjoying life, limited though it may be.

If you can’t do that, you need help. If there’s underlying depression, anxiety or stress, contact your GP for an assessment.

could the strength of your feeling against your friend at her behaviour, which is both stupid and selfish, be a transposition of your sadness at distance, lack of contact with your own loved ones.
you feel sad. you are grieving. naturally. you feel helpless.
having a target to feel angry at acts as a way of channelling deep sad emotions into active strong angry ones.
take care. and good luck. be true to yourself.

You know what, we live in a democratic country, we the British are very good at making up our own minds about issues. The government has issued GUIDELINES emphasis on that word. Your friend clearly has a mind of her own, I personally like people who think for themselves, she has probably thought that if they’re in lockdown and been nowhere and I’m in lockdown and been nowhere what then is the risk if we come together, this is the logic.

Nothing wrong with telling a friend if she is behaving badly. Hopefully, as someone said it will all be forgiven in the future. If not, it’s not a true friendship. I agree that this is absolutely not ‘ sweating the small stuff ‘ That is just things like when someone leaves a wet towel on the bathroom floor, uses the last milk and doesn’t tell you, etc.......