Gransnet forums


Friend taken a step too far I feel

(69 Posts)
Frosty60 Fri 12-Jun-20 23:34:37

I know I don’t often post on here, but I feel like a rant and I’m annoyed. A really good friend has overstepped the mark I feel. She has grown up sons. Eldest son lives with her and younger one married with a 1year old son. All through lockdown she has told me of her neighbour letting her family members from other households into her house and friend was feeling it because all she could do was FaceTime. I’ve made do with that with my 2 DGD’s, one age 3 and the age 1. Friend felt she was missing out and GS would forget her, which is how I feel. But as the lockdown eased just over 2 weeks ago, friend and family couldn’t wait at least till the Monday even, she went on the Friday, then Saturday too and has been x2 weekly since, even gone in the house and sat GS on her knee, played with him on the floor too, and has tea too. I go visit my GD’s and because I don’t want them to come up to me I just talk to them through the window. It’s about keeping everyone safe and I’m then not tempted to pick them up. Before lockdown I saw GD’s weekly and had the younger one staying overnight quite regular because of sons partners working hours. Also friends sons mum in law visits them too, not at the same time, but she too goes in the house. Friend knows she’s doing wrong and when I rang her after BJ ease lockdown Thursday so anyone on their own can form a bubble with one household I said there’s no change for me there again as I’m married. He is my DC step father and between us we adopted a 9 year old boy who we fostered first from birth. We are all he’s ever known. She knew I wasn’t happy, suppose I’m feeling envious of her, but I know it’s wrong too and wouldn’t even put myself in that position. I’ve also a DD who lives in supported living and it’s her birthday tomorrow, with 3 other ladies. We are going over for a short time to sit in the back yard, socially distancing though to see her with her present and card. I said to friend I can’t even hug her, she sort of said well maybe it would be possible, but I said point blank no. They have to follow guidelines and I have to think of DD safety as well as ours too. We’ve also dealt with the fact that 12 years last weekend was when we lost mum and also it would have been her birthday yesterday and I find that difficult each year, but more so this year. Friend knew all this. She turned up late this afternoon with flowers and a small bag of chocolates, kept my social distance though, but was very choked up and could hardly speak at first. I’m so finding things hard right now like many, many more are. AIBU, or does anyone else feel like this.

SueDonim Fri 12-Jun-20 23:49:23

Unless you’re prepared to inform the authorities about your neighbour, there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. As I said on another thread, we can’t control what other people do but we can control our own actions and reactions.

No one is enjoying this and we have to do the best we can for ourselves. Imo, fretting over the things other people do is pointless. I’d say concentrate on your own family and ignore what anyone else does and you’ll be the happier for it.

SueDonim Fri 12-Jun-20 23:50:32

Sorry, friend, not neighbour. The same applies though!

Grammaretto Sat 13-Jun-20 00:00:45

I feel for you. Its hard enough sticking to the rules but to see others flaunt them it makes us angry and jealous.
What do they say? Take deep breaths and count your blessings.
You will be able to see your family eventually but you are patient and considerate.
I don't think you should blame your friend too much.
Hugs xx

BlueBelle Sat 13-Jun-20 02:20:19

Every body makes their own rules through their own intelligence and reasoning you ve chosen your way they ve chosen there’s
Personally I think the government rulings are so wishy washy and changeable that we must all make our own guidelines to safety You ve chosen and are sticking to it so your conscience is clear You can’t worry about others and what they do
It was kind of your friend to bring you flowers
I hope you enjoy your visit to you daughter

FarNorth Sat 13-Jun-20 03:31:14

Your friend is being selfish and stupid.
Your feelings about her have changed as you feel she's let you down by being irresponsible, and by wanting you to accept it.

Try not to let it get to you, tho. You are doing the best you can for your family.

sodapop Sat 13-Jun-20 08:54:16

I agree with SueDonim don't fret about the things other people are doing Frosty60 look after your own family and enjoy the contact you can have safely.
Enjoy your daughter's birthday.

Luckygirl Sat 13-Jun-20 09:49:09

I have not enquired nor noticed what others are doing - I don't see it as relevant to me, as long as they do not put me at risk.

There are people who break the rules; but that is not directly your problem. You should do what you feel is right, as you are, and let the rest wash by you.

Doing the right thing is hard enough without worrying about what others are doing/not doing.

RosesAreRed21 Sat 13-Jun-20 09:57:59

Ive seen and heard of people not keeping to the rules all the way through lockdown. I try not to let it get to me as it will just eat away and the only one it will both is me. I am happy knowing that I have done the right things, and those that haven't well I try not to dwell on it too much as there isnt a lot I can do. I have heard of people reporting neighbours for have friends around, having noisy parties and BBQ and the police do nothing about it - I just hope that the people that are breaking these rules dont ruin it for all of us that are keeping to the rules.

dianne2265 Sat 13-Jun-20 10:05:26

I have often been tempted to break the rules thinking does it really matter. I have been shopping for parents since lockdown started and we put shopping in step and ring bell then stand well back. The thing that stops me breaking the rules is not because of the Government but if I did and then mum or dad caught Covid how would I live with myself.

Esmerelda Sat 13-Jun-20 10:05:31

I'm on the side of most posters ... no point fretting about what others do, just steer the course that suits you. If your friend feels happy with what she is doing that's fine, so no need to call her stupid or selfish. You have to feel happy with what you are doing and not pass judgement on others.
Take the wise words of SueDonim, BlueBelle and Luckygirl to heart.

blueflinders Sat 13-Jun-20 10:05:54

I completely agree with Luckygirl. We have enough to worry about without concerning ourselves with what others are doing. If you feel uncomfortable with having contact with your friend because you feel she may put you at risk, then only have outdoor contact with her, but you will drive yourself crazy if you continue to worry about who she has seen and who you have seen.
Stay safe!

annecordelia Sat 13-Jun-20 10:06:40

My daughter has been having lots of problems this year so not seeing them has been dreadful. But I waited until the Monday that we were allowed to go and then sat in her garden, away from her and my 3 grandchildren. I didn't hug them, not even the youngest who is 10 months old. That was hard! I'm going again in a minute, actually. Most of us are doing the best we can I suppose...

Dustyhen2010 Sat 13-Jun-20 10:09:48

You are right to feel angry and annoyed. What others do affects us all. As said by our CMO if you take a paracetamol it just affect you but if if you break the guidelines it affects everyone. By making bridges which aid transmission we could have another lockdown. We have been warned by Prof Whitty that we are in the middle of this pandemic not the end. I have a feeling that at the end of this we will remember those who followed the rules and also those who didn't! I think we will certainly feel differently about some 'friends'.

Flakesdayout Sat 13-Jun-20 10:13:28

I have neighbours that have blatantly flouted the rules from day 1 and as I am shielded it does really irritate. They go out together and come in with bags of shopping and I cant go to the supermarket, they have family stay all day and visitors stay overnight. I have my grumble and have had my socially distanced visits from friends and family and try to rise above it. I know how you feel but I am grateful that I am still here, virus free and have not been put at risk. Try not to let it get to you, this thing will pass. These are the type of people who if they catch the virus expect the NHS to help them.

Nannapat1 Sat 13-Jun-20 10:20:31

We must each follow the path that is right for us. For you it is to stick rigidly to the rules, your friend has done otherwise, no doubt with some reflection and risk assessment beforehand. Best just carry on with what you feel is right for you and let others, including your friend worry about themselves. Is it a kind of envy that makes you so cross?
I don't think BTW that any of us calling others, who have acted differently from ourselves, stupid and selfish, not helpful.

Teddy123 Sat 13-Jun-20 10:24:28

I continue to use my common sense and do what's best for me. Which means I'm avoiding everyone for my own self preservation. I'm uninterested in what others are doing. We've all got choices but checking next doors actions isn't for me!

Craftycat Sat 13-Jun-20 10:25:43

You must do what you think is right.
I have had my older DGC visit & we sat in the garden after a long walk with their new dog. Then my youngest had his 6th birthday & we went there & sat in garden. I didn't hug or kiss them but we made a big show of miming it. We did travel about 20 miles to get there. I don't feel guilty at all. He is only 6 once & as he could not have his party at least he saw his GPs. His other grandad travelled a lot further than us to be there. No regrets at all.

TanaMa Sat 13-Jun-20 10:25:46

Regardless of personal feelings over the recent racism arguments, the rent a mob causing untold damage and mischief don't worry about social distancing and how their antics will affect many more people before this pandemic is over.

Nannan2 Sat 13-Jun-20 10:54:09

But you see, thats the problem, right there, in saying "do what you feel is right for you" because thats what Boris is encouraging now, just so it covers the governments arse- and his aide in particular, when they flout the rules, and its letting him follow the herd immunity idea at same time!- But we shouldnt do that because its not just whats 'right' for us- its not just 'us' who will suffer if we catch covid19- our families will suffer, anyone who we pass it to will suffer, the NHS will suffer! Whats wrong with you all- it is selfish& stupid to take all these risks when we have nothing to prove we will be safe, just Boris saying so doesnt mean it will beangry

tickingbird Sat 13-Jun-20 10:54:36

As others have said, don’t worry what others are doing. I’m seeing my grandsons now and my widowed son so maybe I’m breaking the rules. I didn’t think I was. However, it’s for you to decide what you’re comfortable with as government advice is just no how these days.

Nanatoone Sat 13-Jun-20 10:56:55

I really don’t know why people are so judgemental. These are strange times and if you do a personal risk assessment and act accordingly, you will be ok. For me I have always looked after my GC, every single day of the week and see them at weekends too. Their parents are in teaching so are key workers. There has been no option but to carry on as before. We have always taken the view that we are all healthy and probably need to get the virus at some point to create immunity so worry less about that as long as we don’t make others unsafe. Also the children are much safer in our bubble than with strangers. I lost my beloved husband in September and would not have coped without this contact. I doubt my daughter would have either as the loss of her dad was devastating for her. Just keep on doing what you are doing and leave others to do what’s right for them. People saying that alternative views are stupid and selfish are very unkind too.

lindyloo1958 Sat 13-Jun-20 10:57:10

I’ve also been made so angry but people I know having relatives from 200 miles away to come and stay and that was a fortnight ago!!! My partner of 7 years, lives 100 miles away. I’ve not seen him since 14th March. He said he will pick me up next weekend and take me to his, we both live alone but when I heard he’s had his son’s there, staying over and they are also going and staying with their friends and their mother I thought no way. I will not ses him until I know that he’s been alone in that house for at least two weeks. My family mean too much to me to break any rules. It’s so selfish and it’s us who abide by the rules who will have to wait longer. Please don’t lose your friend over this. It’s not worth it. She obviously cares very much about you. Just do what you feel comfortable and tight with. This will get easier and none of your grandchildren will really remember any of this. Chin up!

GrammaH Sat 13-Jun-20 10:58:31

Sorry Frosty60 but you've got it in one when you say that you're feeling envious of her because she's breaking all the rules and you're not. We're all doing what we feel is right for us at this time - some of us are obeying the rules and some of us aren't. That's life I'm afraid. There's no point envying her - she is obviously doing what she feels she should & she sounds like a very kind friend if she brings flowers & chocolates. You'll just have to turn a blind eye & concern yourself with your own circumstances rather than worrying what your friend is doing.

lindyloo1958 Sat 13-Jun-20 10:59:20

Please excuse my typos. It’s predictive text and always makes my children laugh. I thanked a man who works for me for his massage once!!! Must read before pressing send.