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Mother’s Day/Fathers day.

(71 Posts)
Minigrandma Mon 22-Jun-20 22:06:15

I would like others opinions.

On Mother’s Day I got a card from my son and his family, no gift of any kind which I was ok with.

Father’s Day my husband gets two cards one from the grandchildren and one from him, and a small gift.

We never get expensive gifts off them for other days which I have been ok with, even though we spend a lot on their family I like to give presents.

They both have good jobs so it’s not a money issue.

I feel hurt that I obviously am not thought of as much as his dad is, even though it’s me that does all the child minding for their children, before they started school and in the holidays.

Am I being stupid to think this way?

Kim19 Tue 23-Jun-20 12:36:27

This makes me smile. Every Mothers day around 2130 I start watching my phone. Along comes the text from S2 'Happy MD. x'. Think I'm on the 'things to do' list but I love it. Who wants a present or a card? Not me. It's just 'stuff'. I truly know he loves me lots and that'll do for me every time. Oh yessss...... These dates and celebrations are man made and commercial. Lesser important on every level.

GreenGran78 Tue 23-Jun-20 12:56:30

I’m perfectly happy with just a card, or a message, for all occasions. I have told the Aussie branch of my family not to send gifts, and they have told me likewise. The postage is outrageous. I always treat them when I am over there, and usually leave cards, and gifts for the grandchildren with a family member, to be posted or given on the appropriate day.

As my visit was cancelled this year I posted my son’s birthday card, and the sweater I had knitted for my GD. The card arrived 4 weeks late, and the sweater took six weeks to arrive! I thought that they had been lost in transit. I have ordered a Moonpig card for my DIL’s birthday on 2nd July!
My U.K. family usually take me out for a meal on Mother’s Day and my birthday, and buy me flowers, but I wouldn’t be too upset if they forgot. They show me that they love me in other ways.
I think that I would probably have felt a bit miffed, though, if DH was spoiled and I wasn’t.

Bumboseat1 Tue 23-Jun-20 12:57:23

I would be very upset if you husband had a present and I didn’t, I suppose a card is nice. No your not at all being stupid. I would feel a bit hurt , personally I would make a joke about it next time they visit and look at there

Lucca Tue 23-Jun-20 13:42:53

My son in UK has never been into occasion cards but treats me so nicely that I don’t care. This year in lockdown he sent a card with such an affectionate message . But to answer your question Yes I do actually think you are fussing over details!
I’m not into the calculation of who got what gifts and was it equal etc etc.

Newatthis Tue 23-Jun-20 14:18:33

You say you're fine with them not buying you expensive presents but then you say that they both have good jobs so it's not a money issue with you but is it not? Also, as most of the time the woman tends to do the gift shopping so is maybe your Dil is in charge of this and if so, does she have an issue with you, not with your DH. You're not being stupid but is there an issue somewhere?

RosemaryAnne Tue 23-Jun-20 14:26:49

Slightly different. We both had children when we married: me two daughters and husband three daughters. Over 30 years ago now. On Mother's Day each year I get 2 cards and 2 presents. On Father's Day my husband gets 5 cards and 5 presents! Yes, it hurts!

allule Tue 23-Jun-20 15:36:24

I'm constantly in contact with my AC, skyping, making plans, getting each other forgotten shopping items and leaving and collecting a distance now.
My husband isn't able to take part in these contacts, so they make more of Fathers Day to compensate.

justwokeup Tue 23-Jun-20 15:52:34

Sadgrandma, apparently comments like that are not jokes they are passive aggressive', I've been told! I looked it up and then promptly forgot it - too old to change now. smile

Minigrandma I used to wonder what people were fretting about if they didn't get birthday card/present as it really doesn't bother me at all if anyone remembers. Then I read an 'agony aunt' reply to someone who asked the same question and she said if cards and presents are important to the receiver, and you want them to be happy, then you should send a gift, even if it's not important to you. Suddenly it all became clear! Maybe it's not a big deal to your DS so he doesn't think it's a big deal for you either. He probably congratulated himself that he did remember his father! And I do agree it was hard to get things when it was Mothers' Day but perhaps the GC insisted on a gift for grandad as they had sent him a card? Also my AC are more likely to spend time choosing a gift for my OH because he is hard to please when it comes to gifts and, as I said, they know I really don't care as long as they keep in touch during the year. Maybe your DH is hard to please?

marpau Tue 23-Jun-20 16:08:17

Minigrandma you have my sympathies I am sitting here seething not with my son but with my selfish husband. We both have birthdays this week and he sulks if I get more cards than him and is jealous of any gifts I get. Over time he has persuaded family we would like a joint present as it is easier for all concerned he then makes sure to ask for something he would like as a joint present. On Sunday DS and family arrived with fathers day gift and 4 rose bushes for joint birthday gift as he had been told we were building a new rose garden. All news to me as I don't like roses and we already have lots in the garden I was livid but couldn't say anything whilst family were here. Of course the only place he could plant them was a flower bed I have tended which means he has dug up my lovely flowers. I can't bear to look at him at the moment!! He has never bought a present in his life and I tend to spend a lot of time choosing gifts appropriate to the recipient. Trying hard to keep tears at bay.

Catterygirl Tue 23-Jun-20 16:49:19

Oh Marpau. I am sending you a hug. I am not keen on roses too.

janeayressister Tue 23-Jun-20 17:17:27

I usually get cards but the eldest usually forgets. The others don’t forget. This Fathers Day in the UK , they all sent a card to their Father and a present. Except the eldest. He just sent a card. I had reminded him and said his Father needed handkerchiefs. It’s not a matter of money as he earns serious money.

GreenGran78 Tue 23-Jun-20 17:25:52

You have great restrain, Marpan. If he had laid a finger on my flowers I would have wrapped the bl***y roses round his neck - thorn side in.

I would also say something to the family, too, so that the same thing doesn't happen next year.

Just a thought. Will you still be with him next year? Why would you stay with such an unpleasant man?

Mercedes55 Tue 23-Jun-20 17:35:08

I do think as we were just into lockdown that it changed a lot of things. My son always gets me a lovely card and he will ask me what I want as a present, usually I ask him to get me an orchid plant. This year, knowing he couldn't get out, I just said for him to not get me anything and he literally did just that, no card, just a phone call. Any other time I'd have been upset but did understand it was difficult for him and he'd probably left it too late to send an online card too. I have no idea if he sends his father a Fathers Day card as we aren't together but this year things like that don't bother me.

Naty Tue 23-Jun-20 18:46:58

If this is the first time, it was probably an oversight. Just ignore it...most men are the ones who feel cheated..we always cheap out for dads because they seem to care less! Don't worry about it. It's probably due to covid = fears, worries, Stress, no way to shop, no cash etc...

StDenysSuep Tue 23-Jun-20 19:51:56

I have 2 daughters, one who never forgets special days and one who often doesn't bother. I am used to it now and don't get upset, I on the other hand always treat them equally gift/card etc. I can see why you might be upset though. My husband died last December but when daughter didn't bother for me she usually didn't for him either. I just rise above it dont dwell on it and get on with my life.

AiryFlyingFairy Tue 23-Jun-20 20:58:56

It is just thoughtless & they should make more of an effort. Sounds like you do a lot for the family too and lucky to have you.
Something similar here. Not just with Father's Day but birthdays/Xmas too. My partner gets a big present ie wad of cash to treat himself & I'll get a small voucher. I don't begrudge partner & I'm glad he gets treated. I'm just a bit 'miffed' it's such a noticeable difference. I don't know what to do about it though. Is it worth possible fall out?
I think we're blaming a lot of this on Covid when it's mainly cheapskate, thoughtlessness. A handmade card, online shopping, giving extra bit of care is still possible.
I'm just going to treat myself. You do too Girls. Sure we deserve it. ?

Tickledpink Tue 23-Jun-20 21:54:42

I wish my children wouldn’t buy me anything for Mother’s Day, they don’t need to, yet I’ve always done it for my mother who also told me not to! Like most people I enjoy giving. Receiving nothing is preferable to receiving something for the sake of it. I always say a nice card is enough, with meaningful words.

Frosty60 Tue 23-Jun-20 22:09:56

I understand MiniGrandma. Our family is a bit complicated in a sense, both my husband and I have been married before, he has 2 adult children from his previous marriage and I have 2 as well. My stepson is married with a DD and because his mum won’t do much to help them I said I would. His mum said she’d do it for half childminder fees. I’ve never asked for anything and I’ve looked after her since she was 6months old, 3 days a week, she’s 6 now. SDinL’s own mum has had her 1 day a week, in her day off from work. But Mother’s Day I never get anything, his mum gets a card and flowers and whilst I aren’t his mum and I don’t expect a Mother’s Day, but I feel a nice £1 bunch of daffodils would be nice in recognition for what I do. My children always give my husband a card and present on Father’s Day, although this year he got a moon pig card from my DS, but that was acceptable due to the circumstances. Birthday’s I get a card and a scarf from stepson and family or a pie dish for Christmas, I suppose the thought is there. I’ve even been asked to have his daughter when his wife goes for her nails doing or a spa day with her mother and sister. I never been asked to go to the cinema with them. Her mum, herself and little girl went to the cinema last year in my birthday to see Frozen 2.
If this lockdown has taught me anything it’s to trust only myself and think of me more and once it’s over to actually say no to having little girl.

I’ve always treated them like my own but we’re family until it comes to certain things. Like the other Sunday her oven didn’t work and she was cooking a roast dinner, she rang to see if I could cook it if they dropped it off and collect it later which she did.

My own DS and DD always get me something and a card for Mother’s Day, birthday and Christmas and I appreciate whatever they get me. In fact this Mother’s Day and because my son works Sunday they came the Thursday before and brought my flowers and a card which was lovely, so they managed to get here before lockdown.

Sgilley Wed 24-Jun-20 08:04:43

I agree withJS06. I would feel miffed that H got more consideration than you did. Especially with childcare etc. It was a strange Mother’s Day this year with lockdown admittedly but there is the internet. Why doesn’t H have a word. These feelings can eat away if not spoken of. Love from one Mother to another.

ValerieF Wed 24-Jun-20 17:14:26

I have never liked the commercialism of 'special' days. Stems from my mum being put out by certain thoughts or lack of them or comparing things I did to my brothers. She would say I love your perfume but huh all I got from X was a card! It really irked me!

Carried it over to when I had mine and all I care about is they love me and I don't need any presents or anything to tell me this!

I think you are being over sensitive OP but if you are you are and nothing you can do about it. Just don't start a war over it all.