I just wanted my friends there.

Totally agree with what welbeck here has said.
So well put.
?

I hope you met up even if it wasn’t how you have planned it to be originally. Better that than sitting at home alone. Yes, we understand why you are upset but if you meet up that gets you out of the house and you can take the opportunity to arrange a ‘girls’ only meet up for next time.

You say how supportive these friends have been so don’t hold this against them.

Disagree totally with welbeck sounds as if she’d like you to discard long standing friends who have been very supportive.

Pay no attention to such destructive ‘advice’.

So sorry about your bereavement Mumski
I am not surprised you feel let down by this seemingly trivial but serious breach of loyalty.
I don't even like it if one of our craft group brings a new friend along without warning.
The whole dynamic changes. It's as though you are just another body and not a person with sensitive feelings.
Do you even know their partners? As someone has already said, they live with these men can't they be apart from them for a few hours?
I would let them know how I felt and call off this time.

Grammaretto

The OP knows one of the husbands definitely, as she said Much as I like him......

I would go. I agree the men will probably just talk together. However hard it is, this is the new situation. Your friends still have husbands. You may find you enjoy talking to them as well. It is often nice to chat to males for a different perspective. Try and enjoy it and suggest a girls outing next time. Hope it goes well.Let us know what you do.x

You said that your DH had died last May; which I took to mean May 2019, and so I wonder what the meet ups were like from then until lockdown. Were your friends bringing their husbands to these or is this only a lock down thing?
Either way It sounds very thoughtless to me. I would speak to them as a year is a very recent bereavement, and I am amazed that they did not consider that you might value just the three of you!

Your friends didn't know that you had built this up so much. I would guess that after lockdown the husbands thought that it would be good to get out again and socialize. I would go, you will almost certainly feel better for it. Then at some point suggest a coffee meet up in the garden.

mumski I am so sorry! I think you might arrange another meeting with you friends and tell them you want their company alone without anybody else including their partners or anybody else. It is such a reasonable thing you need and want.

Even if you had not been bereaved it would still be reasonable to want times with selected friends and no outsiders. Your friends deserve to know how you feel.

I really feel for you but I think that you need to tell them that you would feel that you would be intruding an feel very left out as you have no one for you to take and tell them that you would prefer to miss this one out.

People try to be helpful but if they haven't experienced the loss of a life partner they make blunders. We can all look back and think I wouldn't have done that if I'd known what it was like.

I hope you can just be honest with them and help them to learn what will help you.

Very few people get it right without being told.

I agree with most on here, it’s very tactless of your friends. You must be totally honest with them tho as to how you are feeling, that you are just not ready for a “couples” outing, but do say that given time you are sure that you will be ok once you have come to terms with everything..... I wish you well ?

That’s sad Mumski had you been married for a long time?
If so, you would be so used to doing everything as a couple that suddenly being on your own is very hard.
Perhaps your friends think it would be nice for you, if you had all previously got along well together and have known each other for so many years?

I'd be tempted to call it off FoghornLeghorn hit the nail on the head with her rant they live together why can't they spend a couple of hours apart they are thoughtless

I would just nip it the bud and say this time you'd just want a ladies day

So sorry to hear about the death of your husband. I would also be upset and wouldn’t dreamed of taking my husband along too,so I think they are being bit thoughtless. I would cancel too, but I would actually explain to them that you were expecting it to have been just the three of you,

Oh dear. Pretty insensitive for friends of such long standing. I agree with those who say you don't need to make excuses. Just call one of them and tell them you're not ready for a trip out with partners when you're feeling so alone at the moment. Even if they offer to leave the partners home this time, I think I'd still give it a miss for now. Do you have a sympathetic friend you could call on to just spend an hour alone with? You need to wean yourself back into company...

Perhaps they know you will be emotional just now and they can't cope, thus need support themselves.

I think it's very insensitive of your friends to bring their husbands along especially when you haven't seen them for ages and have lots of catching up to do and may be feeling emotional. I know how hard it is when you're in the company of couples when recently widowed. It gets easier in time but I would ask your friends if they could come alone this time so you can have a proper girly time

Your friend did ask you if her husband could come. i am not sure why you did not say 'No, I need a girly chat not a couples chat.' Now that both husbands are coming I think it best to go through with it. If you could walk to an open air pub I am sure you could get 2 tables outside one for the men to chat over and one for the ladies. If you have primed your friends before hand I am sure they would agree that the women needed Girl Talk and would steer their husbands together to a table.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

It’s disappointing they have done this as, as others have said, it completely changes the whole dynamic. You would expect them to be more thoughtful. I think I would go this time and hope that the two men stick together then next time just kindly say you want it to just be the girls. People just disappoint you sometimes don’t they? Sending you love and hugs xxxxx

I would have been hopping mad at the longed for get together being totally ruined too.
You will have to make it blatantly clear that you want to have just the three of you, and no hangers on.
As others have pointed out, a really good friend will understand, and personally, it would have been better to have said so at the very beginning : head it off at the pass as it were.
Even good friends can be thoughtless, but a good friend would ask first, giving you a chance to refuse.
Which you didn't.....
This is in no way your fault, but you really have to make it clear that blubbing in front of their husbands would be unbearably embarrassing for you.
Good luck, and be firm!

I know its not the same but a while ago my partner left me and a week later I asked a female friend to come over for a walk and a chat. She did but sadly bought her partner and another couple. They were both "newish" couples and kept stopping for a cuddle and a snog which was the last thing I could cope with. Some people are so insensitive!

Totally agree with Illte. We all make mistakes. Ideally they would have been more aware, but if you haven't been in this situation yourself, you aren't as aware. Help them learn, by telling them how you feel. When my husband died suddenly, most people didn't know what to do or say. Many stayed away for fear of upsetting me, oblivious to how upsetting this was! They have been there for you, they just need you to tell them how you feel. But don't put on your mask and go, you may well feel resentful and that could get in the way of your relationship. Trust them, and tell them how you feel.

If they are friends surely without depth in conversation you could say could it just be a girls day out. Maybe the thought is that you could do with loads of company but I feel they would understand.