I just wanted my friends there.

I'm on my own and I just like it when it's just the girls and I. I turn so many things down cos everyone else is in couples and I feel like a spare part.

Oh I hate when people do this. Is it ok if I bring such and such???
Being polite you say, oh yes fine.
When it’s not.
I think I’d cancel, rebook at a later date, and make it clear it’s just the girls.
So sorry for your loss. This must be a hard time for you. ??

My husband was in the merchant navy and I found we got invitations to meals etc with couples when he was home but during the 2/3 of the time he was away I was not invited.
I was only included in all female events. This was in the 70s and 80s when social things were couples. I expect things have changed now and singles are often included? I don't go out really now so don't know.

I wonder if they wanted to include you in things to let you know you can have mixed company even if you are no longer a couple? If it is over a year ago since your husband died they might think perhaps you are ready now to join mixed events as well as all girls? It is a shame it is not the thing you were looking forward to and I can understand you are disappointed but they most likely meant well. Did you go?

I'd just say you are sorry, but at the moment, after what has happened, and being distanced from people for so long you don't feel you can cope with more than just your 2 friends. I can understand their husbands are dying for some socialising too, so perhaps suggest a walk or visit together in another week or so.

Frankly, I think your friends are being grossly inconsiderate.

I would never dream of including my husband in a "girls' outing" just like that, and certainly not when the one person is newly widowed. I am truly sorry for your loss and for the inconsideration shown by your friends.

I understand that you don't want to hurt them, and why you don't really want to go. In your place, I think I would ring up and say that you think it would be better if the two couples went on their own.

If asked why, simply say, that although you are happy for them that they still have their husbands, you are not yet ready to be the widow included kindly in two married couples' outing.

That what you had been looking forward to was seeing your two women friends on their own, so it wouldn't cause too much fuss if you broke down and cried.

Go.
I was a little hesitant to go out after the confinement and nearly didn't unless I felt it was exactly to my needs but
I did go because I felt deep down I had to take the plunge
back into normal life and it was fine , not perfect but a great
confidence builder

If they’re genuinely good friends, why on earth didn’t you reply something like...

‘oh no, I was really looking forward to an all girls catch up as it’s been so long. We can do partners another time.’

Instead, you’re wasting your time feeling annoyed and upset and posting threads on gransnet.

Why do that to yourself?

I think your friends were insensitive, or possibly thoughtless. I would make an excuse and back out this time around.

The next arrangement you make with them, make it clear that you want it to be a threesome.

Being widowed myself, I hate being the odd one out when the others are in couples. I'm sorry for your loss.

Tell them that you just want it to be the three of you. They will understand....they are old friends. If they don't understand I would question why.

Dear Mumski - I totally understand how you feel in this situation, and my sympathies on your bereavement, at such a difficult time too.
You say your two friends have - up to now - supported you well. I would have told them honestly how I felt - in as kind a way as possible. They just didn't think this through.
I see from the date of your message that you must have resolved this by now. I hope you are alright and that you managed to cope with the situation and did the right thing for you.

I would go - i agree it’s disappointing but in all likely hood the men will walk together and you will get chance to talk just the three of you. What are the alternatives ? You stay at home and feel miserable- take a chance what’s to lose

Why on earth do people feel that they have to be polite, even in these circumstances? And if they really ARE trusted, good friends, then why can't you tell them how you feel? Look - you're feeling sensitive, so why not just tell them that, say you won't meet them at this time and that you'll meet up "just the three of us" in the future? Hopefully, they'll get the hint.

It would be useful to look back at that first message, when your friend asked if it would be okay to bring her husband - what made her think it would be? And what made you stop saying something like "I hoped it would be just the 3 of us"? What did you fear would happen if you said No? (And it's not surprising that the other friend then wanted to bring her partner). Do you have problems saying No? Do you struggle to ask for what you need? Are you fearful of offending anyone? All useful questions to ask for your present and future. Hope you resolved it okay.

Sorry about your husband, they're a bit insensitive to bring their other half along when you have just lost yours. I would just ask them both if it could be just the three of you this time and maybe arrange another meeting with their OH at a later date.

I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. I have to agree with others about the insensitivity of your friends and their husbands actually. I cannot imagine my husband would even want to go on a walk with a load of my friends and especially not under the circumstances. What would I do? Well I think I would probably go for the walk - at some point it would be necessary to get out and about again and meet people with many different life circumstances. You never know, the husbands might be very kind and sympathetic and help you to face everyone again.

I am surprised that as you have been friends for so long they are being so insensitive! I think you just need to be honest. If they are true friends they shouldn’t be upset.

I can't see why you can't just say to them that because you have been feeling a bit fragile, you would prefer that it was just the 3 of you and maybe arrange to meet up with the husbands later at the end of the walk?

Oh, I really feel for you and I'm so sorry about your husband. I would definitely call your friends and say exactly what you've written here. That you've had a dreadful year and just want to see them on their own for comfort. They're your friends, and they love you. I guarantee they'll both immediately understand and say just that.

I ache for you.My husband’s funeral was two days before lockdown .Now I can go out I just don’t want to not even to see family .Find it easier to just pass the time of day with strangers as I walk my little dog.In some odd way the time alone has given me time to just be.I hope things get easier for you but I think for a little while we will find it harder to fit back in to the old routines.Take care and God Bless.

My sympathies to you - not easy at any time but made far more difficult now. I think you are well within your rights to say you had really hoped it would be girls only this time - especially as you, now, don't have a partner to accompany you.

I think you should go. Sometimes if we refuse invitations we don’t get asked again.

What more do you need to bring it home forcibly that you are on your own than a lovely walk with two friends and their partners! The same thing happened to me after my husband died so you have my heartfelt sympathy. Your friends don't mean any harm. They just don't realise that they're hurting you. The only way they'd really understand would be to lose their own partners and you wouldn't wish that on them, mumski

LovelyLady

Perhaps they know you will be emotional just now and they can't cope, thus need support themselves.

Well if this is the case then they’re making it all about them which isn’t on.

I hope you went on the walk and enjoyed it. To them I suppose it's a long time as it's over a year, and to you it's obviously no time at all. Perhaps you had a laugh and some fresh air - a much better tonic hopefully than crying and getting upset. Book another meet up as soon as you can - I'd like to bet they won't bring husbands next time. All the best.

Sorry for your loss mumski. I can totally understand your feelings and I think your friends are out of order. Probably their husband/partners are bored in lockdown and they are trying to please everyone, but its not OK in my view. There are times when other halves should be out of the picture and this is one of them. In your place I would pull out and tell them straight, but if you dont feel you can do that then just make an excuse. I completely agree with you that you need times with your friends when you can be yourself and dont have to pretend to be positive and full of beans if that is not the reality.