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Am I being over sensitive?

(83 Posts)
Vetrep Sun 12-Jul-20 10:24:32

For context, my daughter and her partner have lived together for 15 years and we have NEVER just turned up at their home without an invitation. Their first baby was born in February, so we saw him up to five weeks and now he is five months. Last week the big day arrived when we could go for cuddles! I realise now that the day was chosen because partner was out at work for part of the day (mostly WFH)
We arrived at 1:15, taking lunch. Baby was napping so we ate lunch and had a lovely catch up with our daughter. SIL arrived home about 2, coinciding with baby waking. My daughter invited me to go with her to his nursery and I gave him his bottle, then had a play. SIL had gone to finish some work connected with his morning appointment, came down at 3:15 and said 'are you still here - you may as well move in. ' I have felt upset since and I know he would claim to be joking but it just didn't come over that way.
So - would you mention it, just arrange to visit if he is out, carry on as normal? My daughter has already invited me to call over this weekend as she knows my husband is at work, but I have feigned busyness. WWYD?

Nannarose Sun 12-Jul-20 10:41:40

I would ignore it at the moment, whilst filing it away for future reference.
I have observed that many relationships have come under stress during lockdown - a lovely neighbour made some very strange remarks to me (not personally upsetting, but critical and unpleasant about other people, very unlike him).
I also think that coming out of lockdown has increased stress as people cope with more worrying change in routine.

I think:
Your daughter's marriage may be under stress, she may want to see you and chat about it, but didn't want to spoil your first visit.
Your s-i-l may indeed have been 'joking' but is rather out of sorts at the moment, and dealing with his new way of working.
Whatever is going on - and it may be nothing significant, your daughter wants you to visit, so be guided by her.
If she is under stress, she doesn't need to cope with you taking offence, she needs you to be calm and helpful.

I would take the cue from her, and if there are other remarks, it may be time to say something then.

Bridgeit Sun 12-Jul-20 10:42:40

I would stop making mountains out of molehills, she has invited you over , so go & enjoy it .
If such comments become more frequent or serious, then that would be the time to have an honest conversation about any potential problem, best wishes

Illte Sun 12-Jul-20 10:47:04

Your daughter invited you. Go!

I hope she's not as sensitive as you or she'll be weeping into her coffee at this moment.

I asked my mum and she didn't want to come ?

You didn't mean it like that. But it could be taken that way. Why not give him the benefit of the doubt too.

Elegran Sun 12-Jul-20 10:53:44

I wouldn't take umbrage if I were you. If YOU know that you never take advantage of your status as his wife's mother to turn up uninvited or overstay your welcome, then assume that he knows that and was just being jokey at seeing you again.

If he says it next time, say something like "Yes, I'm still here. Are you going to invite me to move in again?" and smile. Then "Too much work here with a new baby for me to move in - you don't need to worry!"

If he IS joking, then you have answered in the same way. If he ISN'T, then you have shown that you can make light of it, and no, you have no intention of over-doing your visits.

Lolo81 Sun 12-Jul-20 11:11:19

If I were you, I’d let it go. It sounds like a joke from a dry sense of humour to me.
If you do bring it up, be prepared for your DD to side with her husband. I’d also avoid the passive aggressive retorts being advised and if you are genuinely upset make it clear in the moment “ha ha very funny” in a dry tone of your own.
Stop overthinking this - it was one comment and if it’s upset you so much that you’re now avoiding yourself DD and GS, maybe think about getting some professional help to deal with your feelings and fears associated with them.

ninathenana Sun 12-Jul-20 11:15:54

I would have come back at him with something like "It's ok I won't be moving in until you've painted the spare room" It sounds like it was meant light hearted.

GagaJo Sun 12-Jul-20 11:24:01

Ask your daughter about his comment over the phone. NOT to intervene or stand up for you, but just to make sure it really is ok for you to go over.

jenpax Sun 12-Jul-20 11:25:56

I really wouldn’t say anything! You had a lovely time visiting your DD and DGC and it’s better to focus on that I would say

DanniRae Sun 12-Jul-20 11:32:43

Vetrep - I too would have been upset if my s-i-l said that to me. But it sounds like your daughter wants you to visit so definitely go next time she asks. If he is rude again I'd say "Goodness me ** anybody would think you don't like me being here!" and then smile sweetly. (My darling mum would call this 'hit hard and laugh')
Just out of interest do you usually get on with him?
Anyway Good Luck x

Chewbacca Sun 12-Jul-20 11:34:38

I had a BIL like this. Sister would invite family round but, when we arrived, he would open the door and say "You Again?" It wouldn't have been so bad if the invitations had been frequent but they very much weren't. BIL came from a very large, extended family who lived close by and, according to my sister, they were warmly welcomed by him even when they just "popped in when passing". Eventually the snippy asides increased until we just stopped going there at all and met sister and nephew outside of their home.
They divorced after a few years and we never saw him again.

NanaandGrampy Sun 12-Jul-20 11:46:56

What a shame.

Spoils the visit doesn't it?

I think I'd call him on it next time . I'd smile and say something like' oh no - have we over stayed our welcome ?' He has 2 choices - to say 'of course not' or to say 'yes'.

My guess is whether he means it or not he'll say' of course not' . Its kind of hard then for him to try it next time.

Enjoy your visits .

luluaugust Sun 12-Jul-20 12:22:40

As you are upset I presume this has never happened before, so I would let it all go and put it down to a new baby and lockdown. I wonder if the baby and lockdown plus worries with work has caused a lot more anxiety than you saw on a first visit. Do accept all the invitations and go to visit over time your daughter may wish to talk to you. They have had a lot of changes to deal with and presumably not young parents, it can be quite a shock all round.

I have noticed subtle differences in the way people talk to one another I guess this lockdown has caused more problems than we are aware of at present.

Illte Sun 12-Jul-20 13:04:50

You can buy doormats with"Oh no, not you again" printed on them.

Just saying that a lot of people have that sense of humour.

I'd just carry on visiting when invited and not stir things up, involving my daughter or making bite back comments.

A sure way to make him not want you there.

Starblaze Sun 12-Jul-20 13:12:26

It might just be his sense of humour. Perhaps because it's been a long time since you have been able to visit so a joke about you finally being able to, not sure how to describe what I mean. I would honestly ignore it for now. It's your relationship with your daughter that is most important and I wouldn't ask her anything because she may feel obligated to defend her husband and it might become an issue between you.

Oopsminty Sun 12-Jul-20 13:17:36

It might just be his sense of humour.

Absolutely, Starblaze

I've grown up and grown old with that type of humour

Probably guilty of it myself. In fact I know I am

Of course not everyone has the same type of humour and what was a snappy one-liner can cause hurt to people

Go and see your family!

Say you're not busy any more and get over there.

geekesse Sun 12-Jul-20 13:32:25

The first time I met my M-i-L, she looked me and my (then) fiancé up and down. ‘Oh, you’ve arrived. When are you going?’

She had that common problem, mouth open before brain engaged. I loved her dearly, and we remained friends long after my divorce from her son. Don’t always assume the speaker means what you interpret him as saying. Maybe he thought he was being funny. Maybe he just didn’t think before he spoke. Maybe he’s an awkward conversationalist who says stupid things because he doesn’t really know what to say, and not saying anything makes him uncomfortable.

BlueBelle Sun 12-Jul-20 13:36:26

Oh stop it, it’s nothing, are you looking for problems it probably was a joke Next time give as good as you get but this really is a mountain out of a molehill
Just out of curiosity what does WFH mean ?

Oopsminty Sun 12-Jul-20 13:40:07

The first time I met my M-i-L, she looked me and my (then) fiancé up and down. ‘Oh, you’ve arrived. When are you going?’

That reminds me of my father

He was quite tall and most of my boyfriends wouldn't reach his shoulder

So we would do the introductions and he'd say are you standing in a hole? in a loud booming voice

We had to laugh along with the hilarity of it all

Supposed hilarity that is.

I ended up warning them and MrMinty No 2 pre-empted the comment by introducing himself and then informing him he wasn't stood in a hole

Took the wind right out of his sails!

Alexa Sun 12-Jul-20 13:55:32

Some jokes fail. Maybe your son in law is not very good at jokes but feels he has to try to make jokes.

Chewbacca Sun 12-Jul-20 14:00:35

WFH means working from home BlueBelle.

BlueBelle Sun 12-Jul-20 14:14:59

Thanks Chewbacker I know I m really daft with alphabet soup but there you go so much easier to write it but hey ho I rather hoped it was something really rude

Chewbacca Sun 12-Jul-20 14:16:52

Nooo BlueBelle! You're thinking of WTF! So almost right! grin

joanna12 Sun 12-Jul-20 15:42:14

Hello i would ignore it,you got to see your grandchild that would be enough for me,i can understand about never turning up unexpected that happens to us we are given a time and an approx time to leave if we arrive 15 mins early it is mentioned,just try to ignore it i would love to just pop in but its never going to happen,i also said i would love to live 10 to 15 minutes away from them when we move i was told maybe 25 to 30 just ignored again,being there for the grandchildren is the most important thing,you are lucky we have had one hour visit through a closed window for no reason other than its what they want again as long as i see the children i am happy.Good luck and enjoy your visit.

Vetrep Mon 13-Jul-20 11:46:40

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and respond with such good advice. I am going to make the most of every opportunity and get my quips ready!