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Am I being over sensitive?

(84 Posts)
Vetrep Sun 12-Jul-20 10:24:32

For context, my daughter and her partner have lived together for 15 years and we have NEVER just turned up at their home without an invitation. Their first baby was born in February, so we saw him up to five weeks and now he is five months. Last week the big day arrived when we could go for cuddles! I realise now that the day was chosen because partner was out at work for part of the day (mostly WFH)
We arrived at 1:15, taking lunch. Baby was napping so we ate lunch and had a lovely catch up with our daughter. SIL arrived home about 2, coinciding with baby waking. My daughter invited me to go with her to his nursery and I gave him his bottle, then had a play. SIL had gone to finish some work connected with his morning appointment, came down at 3:15 and said 'are you still here - you may as well move in. ' I have felt upset since and I know he would claim to be joking but it just didn't come over that way.
So - would you mention it, just arrange to visit if he is out, carry on as normal? My daughter has already invited me to call over this weekend as she knows my husband is at work, but I have feigned busyness. WWYD?

Namsnanny Mon 13-Jul-20 12:31:45

The most important thi g is your relationship with your daughter. Ignore sil silly comments for as long as you can.
Visit whenever you are invited and make the most of seeing g little one and mum.

Perhaps I'm worrying too much on your behalf, but dont counter his 'banter' with a pointed reposte from you. I feel he is revealing an insecurity he has over your relationship with your daughter.
Which could fester if he is the type.

eazybee Mon 13-Jul-20 13:14:06

It was a rude way to speak to you but you must know whether or not this is his normal behaviour. I wouldn't attempt to respond in type,;ignore it if he continues in this way and take your lead from your daughter.

Don't let it interfere with your relationship with your daughter and grandchild; and if she invites you, go.

felice Mon 13-Jul-20 13:22:04

The first time my late Mother met my young BILs then girlfriend, she asked him loudly, 'is this your new tart then'.
She really did not see how offensive that was.

FarNorth Mon 13-Jul-20 13:35:05

Ignore it for now, but be alert.

Maybe he felt that a really long time had passed, while he'd been working, because he'd had to concentrate hard - and just came out with a foolish remark.

Could you invite your daughter and baby to visit you, sometimes, as well as visiting her when she invites you?

TrendyNannie6 Mon 13-Jul-20 14:18:55

Well I think it was a bit rude, but you would know his sense of humour, do you usually get on with him, I’d ask my daughter to visit us sometimes or you go when he’s out at work.

razzmatazz Tue 14-Jul-20 09:47:06

My son in law would say this sort of thing and I would KNOW he was joking because he is a jokey sort of person. I would take it as a joke and not get upset. it's not worth it over something small like this.

jaylucy Tue 14-Jul-20 09:49:19

I think you have over reacted about SiL comment.
I can remember several times when one of my uncles used to say exactly the same thing - when after I had only just sat down on one occasion!
Next time he says something like that, either say "Oh thanks, we have our stuff in the car/already in the spare room/ husband just about to go back and fetch our things"

Isabel46 Tue 14-Jul-20 09:52:13

I am very fond of my SIL but my husband can’t abide him. This is because (on seeing our well-ordered tool store) my SIL called it “anal” - also called my husband an”idiot” several times. It is true that SIL never says anything nice about anybody! On touring our garden and looking at all the trees we have planted, he pointed out the only tree which wasn’t looking too healthy. I can totally understand why this behavior irks my husband, who is extraordinarily hard-working. Not sure whether to explain to my daughter why I always visit them alone!

Mamma7 Tue 14-Jul-20 09:53:12

I play golf and there are a lot of joke names for various shots The son-in-law shot is.....not what you would choose but you’ll have to make the best of it! I always keep this at the back of my mind ?

FarNorth Tue 14-Jul-20 09:55:05

Isabel46 your son in law is plain rude.

lindyloo1958 Tue 14-Jul-20 09:57:22

Don’t let that rude man spoil this time with you and your daughter. Rise above it and make the most of every moment you can. None of us know how this will all pan out and the chances of another bigger wave and lockdown is highly likely. You will regret not going this weekend. Don’t let the unpleasant do and so win.

lindyloo1958 Tue 14-Jul-20 09:57:39

So and so

beautybiz55 Tue 14-Jul-20 09:59:26

I hate the walking on egg shells with family .the grandparents should be respected . SIL can be rude , give him as good as he gives! Put him in his place it’s not as if you visit a lot . Best all done with humour , I have 3 daughters , I am careful , I have a mantra for my grandchildren also , (I have one who will be walked on), if you expect respect you will get it !
My SIL ‘s invite me over for Dinner all time , I spoil them all it’s give & take .

Suzey Tue 14-Jul-20 10:00:28

Ignore the prick

dianne2265 Tue 14-Jul-20 10:02:06

I think you are making something out of nothing. Be careful or you could spoil the relationship for nothing. If he had been serious I don't think your daughter would have invited you back so quickly. I think we are all a lot more sensitive after lockdown.

grandtanteJE65 Tue 14-Jul-20 10:03:01

Let it go for now, and do go and visit your daughter.

If your SIL makes more remarks of this kind, don't answer them, but when you are alone with your daughter say lightly that sometimes you are in doubt whether her husband is joking, as his sense of humour is so different from yours. Make it clear that you aren't criticising him, but asking for her help in understanding his special brand of humour.

Dibbydod Tue 14-Jul-20 10:08:17

I wouldn’t let one little remark spoil what you enjoyed in seeing your daughter and baby grandson , take it with a pinch of salt , no doubt your SIL was joking , I’d have said something back like ‘ thanks for invite , my suitcase is in the car ‘
Your daughter obviously wants you to make another visit, which is lovely ,so go and enjoy your times together as they are precious and say nothing about hubby’s remark .

grannygranby Tue 14-Jul-20 10:08:27

It’s rude. It’s an abuse of power. He’s letting you know it is his house his wife . Horrid.
Don’t banter back. For the sake of your daughter, who was probably mortified, ignore it. I have a SIL who has to give sleights to remind me where the power is. It means I regularly meet my daughter outside the home all the time and am very wary of visiting. His parents visit formally every week, my daughter of course isn’t rude to them.. There is no way my husband would have been so rude to my mother. No matter what they think to make those thoughts public is out of order and disrespectful. He might have got into trouble with your daughter after and will not say anything as rude again. Though his body language will still be apparent I expect. Being a mother and a husband are such different roles only a weak man would be threatened by it. If it happens again an icy glare might remind him of his manners.

EMMF1948 Tue 14-Jul-20 10:10:52

It depends on how your relationship was before lockdown, I will regularly say 'Lock up the silver' 'Oh my God not you again' etc when my SIL comes round and he'll say similar things when I go to their house. It really is all about the previous relationship.

Coconut Tue 14-Jul-20 10:11:03

I too would file it for now. If it happens again, be ready to calmly ask him if he is trying to make you feel uncomfortable. If he says it’s a joke, just state the truth, that it’s making you feel unwelcome.

Patsy429 Tue 14-Jul-20 10:12:09

Our SIL is exactly the same. We have always waited for an invitation and they live a fair distance away. It has always been at a time when he has been out and he makes sure he's working late that day so we don't even see him. I can see that our daughter is becoming more like him and rings us once a week, usually on a Sunday evening at about 10.30 pm when her SIL has gone to bed. If he is still up then we can hear him making quips in the background. We try our best but it is not easy. Lockdown has eased quite considerably but she is not rushing to see us - far too busy! Our other two daughters who live in the same city are disgusted with her. One will try to keep the peace, the older daughter will tell her exactly what she thinks but it does not make for an easy relationship.

CarlyD7 Tue 14-Jul-20 10:13:55

Totally agree with @Nannarose Whatever the reason for his comment, just ignore it and be guided by your daughter. I've never seen a couple with a new baby who weren't under enormous stress - don't add to it (no matter how justified).

BusterTank Tue 14-Jul-20 10:14:23

I wouldn't take it to heart , he probably thought he was being funny . If you are that upset by it perhaps you should speak to your daughter .

Flakesdayout Tue 14-Jul-20 10:14:43

I would go and have a line prepared should SIL comment again. He may have meant it as a joke as it came out wrong. I have done that myself, put my mouth in gear before my brain had engaged! Told my DIL that her Mother was a snob - she is - but it came out all wrong. So go and have a lovely time.

DotMH1901 Tue 14-Jul-20 10:15:44

I'd have been tempted to reply 'My bags are being unpacked as we speak' but then I do have a very sarcastic form of humout (inherited from my father). I think it was just an off the cuff remark that didn't come across as it was meant to. If your daughter has asked you to visit then go, enjoy your time together and see whether your sil makes any other 'comments'. If it repeats then perhaps you could try to arrange to meet up outside the home? Could your daughter travel to you instead?