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AIBU

Am I being over sensitive?

(84 Posts)
Vetrep Sun 12-Jul-20 10:24:32

For context, my daughter and her partner have lived together for 15 years and we have NEVER just turned up at their home without an invitation. Their first baby was born in February, so we saw him up to five weeks and now he is five months. Last week the big day arrived when we could go for cuddles! I realise now that the day was chosen because partner was out at work for part of the day (mostly WFH)
We arrived at 1:15, taking lunch. Baby was napping so we ate lunch and had a lovely catch up with our daughter. SIL arrived home about 2, coinciding with baby waking. My daughter invited me to go with her to his nursery and I gave him his bottle, then had a play. SIL had gone to finish some work connected with his morning appointment, came down at 3:15 and said 'are you still here - you may as well move in. ' I have felt upset since and I know he would claim to be joking but it just didn't come over that way.
So - would you mention it, just arrange to visit if he is out, carry on as normal? My daughter has already invited me to call over this weekend as she knows my husband is at work, but I have feigned busyness. WWYD?

GoldenAge Tue 14-Jul-20 10:21:11

Don’t take offence and don’t make anything of it - if you make a comment now it will become an issue - get over there as much as you can and only if you receive other remarks that you think are not jokey bring it up with your daughter just to check that you are welcome by both her and your sil - you have a big chance to forge a relationship with your new grandson here so don’t blow it.

Nannan2 Tue 14-Jul-20 10:40:30

Working From Home Bluebelle, its a term been used a lot during lockdowngringrin

Elderflower2 Tue 14-Jul-20 10:40:30

I would say if she's inviting you when he's out, she's already aware of his disposition towards you and he probably thought you'd be gone by 3:15. In-law problems sad

I would be inclined to take them out for lunch etc. and leave him at home.

BStP Tue 14-Jul-20 10:40:39

It is strange times and people are under stress. Your daughter needs you and you should go

GrammarGrandma Tue 14-Jul-20 10:41:08

Insensitive people brush off any offence by saying "it was a joke." What they don't realise is that some "jokes" are not funny.

harrysgran Tue 14-Jul-20 10:45:17

I wouldn't bring it up with your DD why let him cause issues between you he may be a little jealous if you have a close relationship with DD however if his snipers carry on I would give him the same back "yes can you get our bags from the car"

Nannan2 Tue 14-Jul-20 10:51:12

It could be he's still a bit nervy& wary about people coming to visit in the current situation, and especially with touching & holding the baby, is he like that with his own family where the childs concerned? (Its one thing them visiting, but another if visitors 'pass the baby around' maybe?) I see they waited a while for the baby, so maybe hes scared of anything happening especially with covid19 still around? Could be all that making him jumpy of visits ?hmm only reply if he carries on in same vein.

Gwenisgreat1 Tue 14-Jul-20 11:01:05

Yep! that's my sense of humour, I would probably have said, "OK, my case is in the car!!"
Go and see your daughter and GS when invited - Just ignore SiL's comments.

bluebird243 Tue 14-Jul-20 11:05:21

I've had people stay too long in the past. It's awful. So if I'm unsure myself with close friend or family I have been known to say 'I don't want to outstay my welcome so I'll leave about ** o'clock, is that ok?' {Gauge the reply then and adapt or stick to the time].

I think it's fine if you say something similar to your daughter when you get there, then you're clear and can relax, enjoy the visit. Don't mention the SIL 'joke' but don't forget it either. Communicate with her re:visits.

carolacr Tue 14-Jul-20 11:05:28

I'd of said, " Oh thanks for the invite, when's convenient"

donna1964 Tue 14-Jul-20 11:12:41

Hi Vetrep...I understand that the comments made by your Son in Law would make you feel uneasy and that feeling would only come from someone like you who does not overstay their welcome and is considerate of others time. I would not say anything this time...but, as others have said I would say something if he comes out with such comments again. Your daughter has invited you over again...so go. Don't let the Son in law keep you away...it's as much your daughters home as it is his. Just be ready for him if he happens to make comments again. x

Nannyknee Tue 14-Jul-20 11:27:31

My SIL can be very nice and welcoming but if he is stressed I think I annoy him by being there. That said I do ignore his remarks as I hope he’s joking. You must not be tooo sensitive or you will lose contact

Castafiore Tue 14-Jul-20 12:00:20

I think that there's a male sense of humour that relies on putdowns. It's not something that women tend to do, so it can take us by surprise. You SiL may be missing male company in the lockdown.

Aepgirl Tue 14-Jul-20 12:11:09

Sorry to be 'ignorant' but what do 'WFH' and 'WWYD' mean?

Chewbacca Tue 14-Jul-20 12:17:25

WFH = Working from home
WWYD = What would you do

NannyC1 Tue 14-Jul-20 12:43:04

So one man made one remark and you're going to punish his wife! Have a word with yourself.

ss1024 Tue 14-Jul-20 12:45:55

I would take every opportunity to see my grandchild and carry on as though nothing was said -- your daughter wants you to be a part of your grandchild's life and this is a precious time; but, if he does say it again, I suggest a joking comeback like, "You've said that a couple of times now, do you think you have enough space for hubby and me."

Nodj Tue 14-Jul-20 13:03:16

I agree with comments about not making a mountain out of it or in other words, don’t borrow trouble. Be grateful you have been invited. Enjoy your visits. SILs can be rascals but so can we! Lol! I also agree there’s a lot of stress with this virus! It’s made me a little cranky at times!

SuzieHi Tue 14-Jul-20 13:13:02

Our sil is often ‘working’ or goes off to ‘work’ when we visit. We do think it is rude at times, especially when he just disappears! We ignore and just shout bye when we go- he shouts bye back! Don’t mention to your daughter!! We don’t - no point as it will only cause tension between them/us. We love visiting our daughter and the children and I look on it as his loss. He may be thinking if you’re there he’s off duty for a while? Develop a thick skin- after lockdown our 6 yr old granddaughter could hardly be bothered to greet us, the 4yr & 2 yr olds did. Hope she’s not starting sil behaviour? We tried to communicate with her but clearly she thought she’d got better things to do! Their loss I think (but still upsetting).
If she does it again I’ll mention to our daughter- in a quiet moment & not mentioning sil behaviour!

Helenlouise3 Tue 14-Jul-20 13:24:40

Your daughter has invited you again, so sh'es obviously happy to see you. Does your sil have a dry sense of humour. Don't make an issue about one flippant remark. I remember 50 years ago when I was 12, a family member popped by and as I saw her coming, I said "Did you hear the kettle boiling?"She took offence and didn't speak to my mum for almost 10 years because of it. I'm very lucky as I can just pop into both my children's houses whenever I want and am never made to feel awkward. They do the same here.

aaronanna1947 Tue 14-Jul-20 14:00:35

It is hard being a MIL if he does make any future comments like that laughingly say oh my God I would never dream of moving in with anyone young people need their space. I remember back to my MIL and as much as I loved her and we got on great We both needed our own space. I’m always here for you both to help in anyway I can to make life easier for you up to now you seem to be doing great. He is a new Father so will have his own insecurities. We will all tell you to keep a family happy you have to bite your tongue as once words are said they can’t be retracted . Praise your Daughter too and best of all enjoy your little bundle of joy.

justme2 Tue 14-Jul-20 14:35:01

I would have given a chuckle and big smile and said "OK, where's my room" making the assumption that he was joking. Then let it go. If he meant it otherwise, you will know in subsequent visits.

sparklingsilver28 Tue 14-Jul-20 14:37:13

Good for you. My SIL also makes unfunny jokes but I just laugh and respond with a witticism of my own. I learnt a long time ago that his problem is jealousy. DD finally told him not to push it since forced to make a choice he would not be pleased with the outcome. My lovely grandsons now 19 and 17 and I have shared their life from birth, and my relationship with them and DD as strong as ever.

Nitpick48 Tue 14-Jul-20 15:02:40

Ignore any negative connotations. Whether he meant it or not you have to let it go for your daughter’s sake. I’m sometimes a bit uncomfortable around my son in law’s sense of humour, but he’s been around for 15 years, he loves my daughter and their daughter, he’s a good dad, and it’s water off a duck’s back these days. Be the bigger person and don’t take the bait. Just smile sweetly and give him a big hug and say something like “aw you old softy that’s lovely, I’ll bring my suitcase”

Kim19 Tue 14-Jul-20 15:20:14

Only you know your daughter. From your vibes I think she may well appreciate your support. I would do my level best to meet up every time she suggests (as well as naturally wanting to, of course). I certainly wouldn't criticise SiL. That divides her loyalty. Never good IMO. Also, depending on how your relationship was pre-marriage, you could suggest meetings but perhaps not too often. Play this instinct, ear and love of her.