Money to children

There are plenty of good ideas/advice given already. These are my thoughts: I would cease the financial gifts without discussion. If you are later questioned then say you felt they probably don't need it now as they were considering supporting said relatives. Also add that you intend to treat yourselves now that this hard earned cash is available to you. Make sure that you do things with the cash in terms of life experiences etc. You deserve it as retired couple. You can add that if they need help at any time they only have to ask.
My experience of loaning money to a relative - first, second and third amount not repaid. Fourth occasion, I refused saying that I'd forget the debt but would loan no more and that they would now have to learn to manage money properly. If your son does go down the same route, I hope he will know when to stop.
You obviously are a generous person and it must give you great pleasure to gift cash to your son. Time to get the pleasure elsewhere now - extra support for a favourite charity maybe? Best of luck.

jocork

Personally I'd just be glad that I'd brought my son up to be generous to others in need. I realise if they have been pressured by your DiL's parents to do so it may be difficult but if they can affort it then it is their choice.

Many years ago when my son was still at school, so my responsibility financially, he went to a music festival. While there he came across a girl without shoes as she'd lost them in the mosh pit. He gave her the older of his 2 pairs as he said he was worried she would cut her feet on broken glass. I was a bit put out that ultimately it was me who had to replace those shoes, especially as I was far from well off at the time, but I was so proud that he'd put someone elses needs ahead of his own. I know it isn't exactly the same but be glad you've raised a young man with a generous heart.

He gave her the older of his two pairs so he wasn’t left shoeless.
Ultimately it was me who had to replace the shoes so there again, he eventually had another pair provided for him.

I don’t doubt your son’s good intentions, but his actions didn’t really affect him detrimentally.

Another vote here for the money you gave them being theirs to dispose of. However, if you see they have enough to give away, there's no need to 'help' them out any more, is there? Don't become a PDU (Parental Donation Unit). Sorry - it's a hard lesson to learn!

If your son and dil are doing well enough to help other family members then they don't need any more financial help from you. While you can't exactly ask for what you've already given them back, you can decide not to give them any more. It's natural for you to feel a bit irritated, but I'd advise not expressing that to your son, otherwise it's going to sound a bit controlling, or like you're calling him ungrateful.

Lucca

"but we like to help them out financially if we think they need it"
Why assuming adults need help without asking them? Why not let them be independent and ask OP for help if needed?
OP is unhappy how "her"money is used.

Yes, that's interfering and controlling

Why are you giving them your money in first place if they're doing ok on their own already?If they have never asked why would you 'help them financially', why would you 'think they needed it'?? Clearly they didnt, and took it anyway- now either your DiL is as greedy about money as her brother is, or shes been bank rolling him all along? But yes why arent his OWN parents bailing the son out then? (Unless as i said, his sisters always done that, with money 'spare' from you before?) Why should anyone else bail out this spendthrift brother of your DiL? He will never learn if they do so? I would have stern words with my son, ask why he feels he has to do so? Ask what he&your DiL will do for money if they give it away now, then they ever need it? Tell him you won't be doling him out any more unneeded cash.Nobody knows whats going to happen in our fragile future in UK and if theres more covid waves there will be more financial strains/losses, job losses, business closures perhaps- who knows if your son& DiL will need their money themselves then- why are giving it away now to someone who is clearly living beyond their means?? The DiL's family sound a greedy, grasping lot to me who think theyre better than others, when they are doing it at others expence, including your DiL! Dont give them any more of your cash, no matter what they decide about her brother.

If that couple (Your sons brother in law&partner) are now splitting up, then perhaps theyll be selling their house etc anyway, so any leftover cash can pay off their debts also- or if not maybe theyd be eligible for benefits of some kind, so dont need your son to bail them out??

Buffy, it sounds as though your son has mentioned this to you in order to have your blessing to effectively pass on your monetary gift to him to this other profligate relative. You can only give your opinion honestly. But make it clear that you have worked hard, saved and probably gone without in order to be able to help him and his wife out cashwise. He/they, should not have discussed any cash gifts from you and your husband to them with the in-laws anyway. Tell him you are no longer in a position tocontinue with cash handouts so there wont be any more arriving to replace any monies they may choose to hand over. The couple in debt I fear will always be 'hard up' and will continue to seek handouts and be spendthrifts. They will both be responsible for their debt and will have to get off their seats and work hard to repay it, they could ask the other in laws for assistance or a loan. You have done your bit for your own son. Nothing is more certain to split a family up and cause long standing bad feelings as money or the lack of it. I think the marriage break up story is exactly that, a story to act as a lever to get your son to cough up.

Totally disagree . “ do you need some money for a new car?” “ no thanks mum”. End of story Or”that’s really kind mum it would let us get a bigger car for the kids” fine

Sorry that was for hithere

The money you have already given is theirs to do with as they wish. You could discuss it with them if it was given for an agreed specific purpose which it has not yet been spent on ( eg a new car) - but even then, it may just cause bad feeling.
You could buy things for them in future rather than give cash if that's feasible.
You should be pleased that you've brought your son up to be generous. Maybe just say to him in a calm way that you're proud of them wanting to help her brother but they should decide clear criteria as you have a friend/ acquaintance who helped a relative out and it got out of hand. The person became dependent and didn't manage to sort out their own finances ( or something along those lines).

If you’ve given them money, then it is up to them how they spend it - even if you don’t approve.
I think you should draw back and wait until they ask you for money, and then ask them what they want it for. Then you could approve or object.

I have never given money as a gift unless it is wedding, Christmas or birthday. I buy clothes and nappies for the grandbabies and the odd bottle of wine for their parents. All greatfully received x

If you have given money for something specific, a deposit on a house for example, then if that money was given to someone else I would think that was disrespectful to the person who gave the money.

Just handing out non-specific cash is different especially if it wasn't asked for.

I must be missing something here.

I just don't see why you feel that your son would be supporting this relative, I am unclear whether it is his brother or brother-in-law, with YOUR money.

You say your son and daughter-in-law are comfortably off, so I don't see a problem. If you dislike him helping another person out, you don't need to give him any more money.

A gift, whether of money or goods, is no longer your property once you have given it away.

Like most on here, I regard gifts, once given as no longer my property.
If you aren’t happy about money you have given them being used for someone else, don’t give it. It doesn’t sound as if they really need it.
Don’t let the irritation swallow you up.

I don't understand why you are still giving money to your son and your daughter in law if they are doing well financially. I would also be furious if the in laws of one of my children dictated that they should help out a sibling - if they insist their son needs help financially it is up to the parents to help not your son and his wife. Your son sounds lovely for wanting to help but I do wonder if he is browbeaten by his in-laws.

While any money you have given them is theirs to do with as they want unless you have given it to help with a particular agreed event or purchase, I disagree with those who think you should just forget it. How do you know about this - someone must have told you that your son's in-laws have told their daughter and she should help her brother? In which case whoever it was has made it your business.

I would make it clear that if they have enough extra funds to support the brother then plainly they have no further need of help from you.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

My own opinion of giving to Children and Grandchildren is special occasions and if it’s the deposit on house, university fees or other event if it’s “needed“.
It’s much better if they run their lives themselves and within their means, that would exclude luxury items.

its up to them to sort out their money problems . i would advise them to seek help. no-way should your son help out...

Once you give money, it's up to them what they do with it. They're not little kids.

You all seem to be agreed that a gift is a gift and none of my business how it’s spent once given. I will look into ISA’s or Trust Funds for my grandchildren instead. I definitely won’t be around to see how it’s used once they each reach 18. Thank you for opening my eyes.

Oh dear. We meant so well and it has all turned pear shaped.

Buffy good idea re looking at alternatives. It's hard but well done for being open to the advice ... hope you find something that suits!