Must be a Bad Grandma

Mamie5. I could have written this myself. The last time I had my son’s two daughters during the day it started off well. I’d assembled some crafts for them and they were relatively well behaved. It started insidiously. Teasing which got out of hand and egging each other on. They said that I’d been swearing and one of them told my husband that I’d smacked her very hard and it hurt. It took me back to schooldays when I’d had run ins with certain types of girls. It was horrendous. But it worried me because throughout my working life, although I’ve had lovely friends I’ve also come up against bullies who’ve put me down. And I’ve always wondered what these people saw in me that made them think they could treat me this way. And now I’m wondering what a six year old could see. Phew! That was an unexpected turn for me!

I have one granddaughter, a girl who is four. I love her dearly and look after her when I can. This isn’t as often as I would like as they live just a little too far away for me to drop everything. I did that once though when her other grandma was on her deathbed. When she was quite small I looked after her for three days while her parents went on holiday! I was exhausted. She is very well behaved but her parents are extremely strict about food. Hardly any sweet things and water if she’s thirsty. She is thriving on it though! But, when they come to us, spoiling does happen! Nanna’s homemade chocolate ice cream with Nanna’s homemade chocolate cake! Yummy!

I am not a granny and probably never will be. I brought up my own two boys and really enjoyed their childhood. They were brought up to be considerate of others and they had boundaries. When I see grandparents struggling with badly behaved children today who seem to think that they can do exactly what they like with no consequences I breath a sign of relief thinking thank goodness that’s not me!!!

Short visits are the best, you have done your bit, let them get on with it

I feel for you Mamie, I did criticise one of mine and now I'm cut off from all contact.

Our position is that we love the GC to be bits, but just as we love to see them come we are also quite happy to see them leave! We are fortunate because they all live locally so we know we will see them again soon.

We got over the pain of babysitting in their house by having them sleepover. Works for us and works for their parents who get a lie in the following day. From day one our DD made it very clear to the kids that in our house, they followed our rules. Fortunately our parenting styles are very similar.

So far no problems but the teenage years are getting closer!

Mamie5 - OMD - I am exactly the same - it's Tuesday today and I am half-way through my weekly ordeal - looking after grandchildren - two girls (aged 4 & 7).Have them Mon-Weds from 07.00 am to approx.2.30 in the afternoon and due to poor health spend Thursday to Sunday trying to recover.Do not remember being asked to do this - it just kind of happened - had the younger one - which I could cope with - and then closure of schools (covid) - meant I was expected to look after the older one as well.Love them to bits but they fight like cat and dog and eat me out of house and home - spend the majority of my time standing in the kitchen.They have folders of homework that I have compiled and do with them - pencils,crayons,paper - access to garden bikes/scooters etc etc.And they still constantly argue -whinge - answer me back - so I agree with all you say.Whilst I love them - I feel put upon and stressed.My daughter is contrary - choosing not to work when she was childless and deciding she needed to when she had her children.Roll on Thursday - all the best to you - I sympathize.

My daughter clearly doesn't know how lucky she is to have me! I love my GS to bits and have him anytime. He is exhausting but he'll be a teenager in the blink of an eye.

I had a lovely relationship with my paternal grandparents. They adored me and I adored them. Their love warms me even now, GM has been dead for 45 years and GF for 30. I'm trying to replicate that with my GS.

Is there anything wrong with saying that when in your home that they will be expected to behave a certain way?
When my twin niece and nephew were school age, they used to run rings round their mother but when my parents were babysitting, they had to behave a whole lot better!
In fact my niece said to my dad once "but Mummy lets me" to which he said that mummy may well let he do certain things, but when in his house, she would be expected to do as she was told! In fact, as soon as they heard their mother's voice when she came to pick them up, they started misbehaving (their favourite at one point was to throw their dinner on the floor!)

Well I guess everyone is different. I loved looking after my 2 year old grandson, 5 or 6 days a week for over a year. They are now living overseas and I can only FaceTime them. My dil's mother does not want to babysit so they don't ask her. My dil's mother does not want to be called grandmother or talk about having several grandchildren. So the children are taught to call her some made up sound (not a nickname). I am sure the children will all grow up and love her but I watch from the sidelines amazed how other families interact. The poem This be The Verse by Philip Larkin always comes to mind.

I live 150 miles away from GC so am spared baby-sitting duties. But...once, when I was staying with DS2 and family, he and his partner were invited to a wedding and I 'looked after' the boys (7 and 9). I thought they were suspiciously quiet and when I looked outside, I saw them dancing stark naked on the roof of the outhouse where DS had 'thoughtfully' left a ladder. It was February - an unusually mild one, but nevertheless!
Definitely not a granny to be trusted!

I too brought up 4 children but I am reluctant to babysit
or look after any Grandchild without the parent around,
because I simply don't want to. The most I do is sit in
an indoor play area while the Mum shops but I even refuse
to drive with them in my car , it just makes me too nervous.
My children have accepted this and know I'm not a 'hands
on ' Grandmother. I never made a declaration of 'non intent' it just happened that way.
One of the other Grandmothers is very involved and drives
my daughter nuts.

My mother thinks I am terrible that I don't want to have my grandchildren full time or to tie myself up into long standing arrangements. I keep saying to her that I have been parenting for 35 years, had 2 elderly people, one with dementia, during that time and looked after my autistic grandson up to 2 days a week for the last 3 years. I just want some time off to travel and do my own thing for a while. I don't regret a moment of parenting or caring but I don't think I am being unreasonable to say enough is enough.

As for the rules for parenting, I don't have to agree with the parenting style my children adopt. I respect their choices because I have had my time making the rules and although my children have mainly turned out ok, I wasn't a perfect parent and I don't have the knowledge that their children won't turn out fine. I remember watching friends and smugly thinking that their children were going to end up being unable to fit into society because they were so relaxed about things but they have all been fine. It has taught me to be less judgmental and consider there is more than one way to skin a cat!

If the children are in your house then it is your rules. Say no sometimes when asked to babysit. They will stop asking as much.

I used to think that my childhood was over disciplined but the more I look at children now the more grateful I am that I had boundaries and was taught right from wrong. I think I was happier than some of the children now who just seem confused. I enjoy my grandchildren but am wary of ever disagreeing with patents.

I am another who doesn't think you are being unreasonable at all.

I would try to find a polite way of saying that I can't babysit, especially as the children are being brought up in a modern manner that you just don't understand.

On second thoughts, don't comment on their upbringing.

One day your DIL will come complaining because her children don't behave well. Then you can say that that may well be the result of not having taught them to be obedient when they were small.

If applicable now, you can decline the babysitting because there wouldn’t be any social distancing with the children. When things get back to normal, I would aim to do as little as possible and if they’re in your care, they need to do as you ask. None of this is unreasonable. I feel I’ve had my years of bringing up kids and I love my GC but don’t want to look after them! You’re not alone!

I agree, when my Grandchildren were small I collected them from Nursery/ School at times when they didnt have anyone do do this, but I have never been involved looking after them on a specific day each week, I didnt want to feel bound again after retiring,I did what I could and feel happy I could help out when needed.I think soon the Grandchildren will be looking after me!

How often are you baby sitting? If it is supposed to be a regular commitment then, if they are in your home, it is your rules that apply during their stay. I had to make that clear to my now ex son in law when I was asked to look after my grandchildren to help out with their overlapping shifts. What they allow in their own home is up to them but, like any other guest, you need to state that it is YOUR home and that the GC need to respect that and you. But, as the saying goes, what goes on at Grandma's stays at Grandma's, so if you are baby sitting at their home their rules will apply. If you don't want to commit to a regular baby sit pattern you need to say so and offer dates and times when you can help. I had a friend who was reluctant to baby sit her GC but she solved her problem by arranging to have them when the Library was open and offering Baby/Toddler play sessions that they loved going to and Gran could sit on the couch and watch them enjoy themselves, a stroll home through the park and then a light lunch and her allocated hours were done!. Lots of community centres run similar classes (Covid 19 rules permitting) so that might be something to look into

I am pleased we all seem to be in agreement, could you ever take one out on their own to build a relationship with each one? It's exhausting being a grandparent, even if it is wonderful for some. Play on that and say you would help on your terms. Best wishes

No, you are not alone. My guilty feelings are compounded by DJ being the complete opposite. He worked long hours when our children were young and didn't see enough of them. He now wants to be with our grandsons (6 and 8) as much as possible and we are the main childcare for them. I love them dearly but do find it too much at times. I lose in the good grandparent stakes!

Sorry, DH, not J! Not used to posting

Another bad granny here! I like having them now and again , and enjoy when the older ones pop in to visit, but I would never have wanted to do regular childminding.
I’m also quite surprised when I see grans on here asking for advice on what they should do about children’s health, behaviour etc. It would never occur to me that it was my concern, and I’d always just go along with what the parents wanted.

Mamie5 I know just how you feel! When our first GC were born I was determined that we were not going to become convenient childminders, especially as we lived right next door to them. However, they viewed our home and garden as an extension of theirs. They were polite, loving and fairly well behaved but very very loud and boisterous, and just there ALL tbe time. We seemed to be top of the call list for school runs, picking up shopping and baby sitting. When early one morning I found them eating their way through the contents of my kitchen cupboards, including a birthday cake I had bought for my husband, I said enough is enough! We decided to move and put some space between us. We now enjoy their visits, they're still noisy and boisterous, but when they return home we can relax and recover until the next time, and we are not called upon to babysit - we're too far away. We have done our child caring duties with our own children, I don't want to do it again with another generation. The geographical distance betwèen us has not affected our relationships with our AC or GC in fact I would say we're perhaps closer because of it. Long distance grandparenting is perfectly possible.

So, as others have said, just explain calmly that you're more than happy for them to visit, or you visit them, but babysitting, childminding, school runs and sleepovers are a bit too much for you now. Set the ground rules. Hope it all works out.

So difficult when you can see they are not disaplined .we are very lucky all of ours are well behaved, I wouldn’t be babysitting them, but then I would actually feel sorry for the children who weren’t given boundaries, it’s such a shame that this happens