Another family get together ruined

In both your past open threads, there are huge red flags for alcoholism

In this one, you admit you drink too much and you had to move out from your mom's house
www.gransnet.com/forums/aibu/1272987-Guilt-over-my-Mum

A boyfriend of yours also raised that flag in another thread.

Thank you all for your replies it has really helped to look at things from. different angles and I think a no drink policy when family are around is the way to go Cheers

Totally agree with Toadinthehole. I would add that if anyone doesn' t want to talk to me ....so be it. They usually crawl back when they need something ..

A G&T and a glass of wine the same night seems like an orange flag.
Really?

Although I probably wouldn't have on that occasion, I don't think it would be unheard of after a very busy day.

It depends on the size of measure, of course.

I think you crammed an awful lot into that day, dortie so perhaps, unless you live there too, it might have been better to have stayed at home after work. But what's done is done and you could perhaps apologise and say to your DD " Sorry about that, I was shattered".

worse, sorry ;(

So many red flags and questions:
1. You and your DD already do not have a good relationship. Anything else added on top of this will make it worst

2. You also do not get along with your mother

3. Your DD and her kids were visiting YOUR mother.
Do you live with your mother?
Was it ok for your mother and DD to be with them while DD and GCs were visiting?

4. The drinking - like other posters said, it is the volume of alcohol that matters. A G&T and a glass of wine the same night seems like an orange flag.

5. You, your mother and DD are together for only 2 days - clearly there is something else that is the problem because a glass of water is not the real reason why it escalated so much and so fast

6. Your DD JUST HAD A BABY. Babies that young can go fast and furious when they are hungry.
Your DD was taking care of her baby.
It is very well known that postpartum, breastfeeding and recovering from a birth is a really hard time for a mother. Add a 4 year old on top of this.
She is exhausted as well.

How did she ask for the glass of water? what exact words she said?

Why not just assisting your DD when she needed you as she was feeding her baby?

7. Background information would help clarify why a simple glass of water and your reaction to this exploded like a nuclear bomb.
What issues have you had with your mother?
What issues have you had with your DD?
How all those issues started?
This is not about a glass of water. That is the straw that broke the camel's back - death by a thousand paper cuts

I’ve reread the OP and I interpreted it as G&T, maybe while dinner was reheating, then glass of wine with dinner, not unreasonable to me after a busy day. This is the daughters second child, if she always has biscuits and a glass of water whilst feeding, I’d of thought it would be habit to get herself both.
If it were me (hindsight is brilliant) as the 4 year old was probably asleep, I’d have declined the meal and gone straight home from work as I’d have been tired too. In future maybe don’t rush about clearing up after them, enjoy a shorter time 1 on 1 with the GC then go home.

I'm assuming you love both your daughter and your mum or you probably would have distanced yourself from them.
It's good that you've had the chance to get closer to your mum during lockdown.
Are they perfect? No
Was your family life perfect? No
Are any of us without faults? No
Are there patterns of behaviour being repeated, past hurts and unresolved issues? Probably.

Forgiveness is part of love and , difficult though it is, try to forgive your mum and your daughter for what may well be unreasonable behaviour. The only person's reactions and emotions you have direct control over are yours. If you can deal with the hurt, forgive and continue to love them, and give an appropriate amount of time to help them, then anything else needs to come from them. That's not saying there may not be a suitable time to try to discuss some of these issues - but it could be a minefield.

It may even be worthwhile getting phone/face-to-face counselling to help you understand the past and present family dynamics going on and develop strategies to deal with it, which might include how to raise some of the issues directly with them.

Good luck. I hope you manage to restore/maintain a loving, two-way relationship with all concerned for everyone's benefit.

The were other things affecting the timing of eating - young child, baby's feeds, dad leaving for work.
I wouldn't have expected them all to wait till 8.30.

Having read the original post, most of my sympathies are with dortie. After a day like the one she had organised, I would have been exhausted, even when I was 64. Asking her daughter to wait for a time while she had a short rest is not unreasonable: her daughter would not have died from lack of water. When I was breastfeeding our babies, I had a drink of water or whatever after feeding, after one or two unintentionally baptised babies!! Surely daughter could have asked before dortie sat down. I also wonder why the whole family did not eat together after what appears to have been a lovely family occasion. Dortie probably needed her g&t and glass of wine after such a busy day! I would have enjoyed that, and I'm almost TT!!
I think there's a lot going on here, and we mustn't prejudge this situation. It would be lovely to hear that everything has been resolved

I thought it was after the meal, when OP got wine and sat down.

4 week old baby - I bet your daughter's knackered.

DORTIE, you arranged a lovely day out for your family, went to work and came home exhausted. Surely your daughter could have asked before you finally sat down to relax. You were entitled to have a couple of drinks too.
I think maybe you should steer clear for a while and let both your mother and daughter get on with it. Life’s too short to be falling out, especially with family.

Not having been there, it is always difficult to judge but, dortie had just got in from work after a busy day. All the others had eaten so she sat down to eat her meal alone. As soon as she did this, her daughter asked her for water,
We don’t know if OP snapped at her daughter but, if she did, I think she might have been justified. It would not have hurt her daughter to wait until her mum had finished eating: it was not going to take all evening.
Maybe, had the daughter asked her mum to finish her meal and then get a drink of water, none of this drama would have happened.

Could another member of the family not have got the water, seeing as you had just sat down?

Having read Mummyjojo's post ( I never breastfed so know little about it) I think the daughter, knowing you had just come in from work could have got up and got her own drink.
I thunk you need to assert yourself a bit, tell them how you see things.

Has Dortie not been back ? Sorry but this does bug me

Sounds to me your family loves drama.
I don`t think two glasses of alcohol makes you an alcoholic and to be honest if you did get your daughter a glass of water when you were asked to,she would have found something else to start on about as your mother would have done too.
I breastfed my first and managed to do things whilst feeding my son.
If there`s nothing to argue about some people can find an argument out of thin air.

Sorry to hear you are feeling so hurt.

Like a lot of caring people, you had taken on an awful lot for one day.

For future get-togethers, I would plan who is going to do what and come to an agreement beforehand so all responsibilities are equally distributed.

I would also pick a non-work day for all, so you stay focussed on family time only. (Definitely no solo meals.)

If things can get frayed around the edges, limit the time spent together, e.g. meet up just for a meal at a restaurant.

I can see where you're coming from. You were tired and one more request was too much. I know how knackered I am after a full day with family. Bite the bullet and ask them what's wrong. Explain you were beyond tired that evening.

Whatever the undercurrents in your family they aren't worth paying heed to. If your grandchildren are your life then make sure you duck all the nonsense so you can keep seeing them.

Agree with Riggie.
I wonder how some families ever manage without mummy running around after them.

Saying that, it does sound as if perhaps the family as a whole are argumentative, and having a drink is never going to help build bridges.

with one nursing mother, one baby, one 4 year old and an elderly mother to keep your eye on; it might have been better to have waited until you'd had time on your own

WTF!! It's not the OPs responsibility to keep an eye on these people! I assume that the daughter looks after her children perfectly capably at home and it sounds like the OPs mother is also independent.

With alcahol, think units not glasses - if you have a family which has dramas, why risk exacerbating it by 'relaxing' with a glass of 'disinhibiter'. When I was breastfeeding I was ravenous, always desparate for a glass of water and totally exhausted. The baby is 4 weeks old, needs nice calm time for a feed, not it's mum jumping up and down disturbing it. I hate to sound harsh but you do seem to be enmeshed in the family drama as a mode of operating and it may be hard to see your role in that. It's sometimes very hard to see things clearly and some counselling or other talking therapy might help you feel better able to step out of repetitive patterns of behaviour. Good luck X

The lack of understanding of the postpartum period in our culture is very well known to me and I can see why some people are confused about the glass of water
I am a postnatal doula. When I look at a woman who gave birth a month ago I see someone whose body and hormones are still going through immense changes.
She’s feeding a baby many times a day and needs lots of extra fluids.
An average placenta is the size of a dinner plate and leaves what is in effect an open wound on the inside of the uterus - while it’s contracting back to its original size the uterus is healing that wound too. If she had an open wound the size of a dinner plate on the outside of her body we’d all be a bit more aware of what’s going on!
Likewise, a caesarean scar is major abdominal surgery. It takes weeks to heal properly.
Meanwhile the mother’s normal sleep patterns are disrupted because a small baby’s needs are completely different.
In many countries around the world where traditions are stronger, new mothers are literally waited on hand and foot for at least a month, often two.
The modern mother’s recovery is by contrast a mad rush to “get back into shape” and “get back to normal” when what she really needs is rest, support and good nutrition.

No question I would have got her the water no matter how grumpy she was or how grumpy I was. If she wasn’t breast feeding and just lying on her back watching TV eating salty crisps ......maybe not.