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Mums feeding their babies but not holding the baby in their arms !

(128 Posts)
Rosarie Sun 04-Oct-20 18:40:25

AIBU when I get angry seeing Mums feeding babies while the baby is in a buggy /pram ! I do realise this is sometimes necessary because of circumstances , but it is very common I am prompted to write because of a photograph in today’s Sunday’s Times ! The poor baby does not know what to do with its hands , a baby is programmed to knead the Mums breast’s if breast feeding and will do this if being bottle fed ! Also there is no eye contact , that is surely wrong ! I would like to include the photograph but I do ot know how to !

Septimia Sun 04-Oct-20 18:52:25

It does give the impression that mother wants to keep the child literally at arm's length rather than engaging with it.

MawB2 Sun 04-Oct-20 18:57:05

None of our business- although I totally agree with your sentiments.

tanith Sun 04-Oct-20 19:02:34

In a perfect world I agree.

Babyshark Sun 04-Oct-20 19:02:58

For heavens sake! I am a nurturing mum, I know I am. I’m far from perfect and i know that too. There have been many occasions when I hold my babies bottle but not them, usually if we are out and about and she is settled in her pram.

It didn’t occur to be that judgey busy bodies would be looking at me in silent judgement. Surely any reasonable person with an ounce of common sense would mind their own business and realise that as they don’t know that child, that mum or those circumstances, they probably shouldn’t judge.

Mind your own business, mums in this day and age face enough judgement. I say this as a bloody children’s social worker.

biba70 Sun 04-Oct-20 19:07:53

and how judgemental is your answer sad

Rosarie, I agree, very sad. It might be a one off- but if it is the routine, then how very sad.

biba70 Sun 04-Oct-20 19:09:03

... and on phone too.

rafichagran Sun 04-Oct-20 19:10:14

So what, it really does not matter. I would not even have given this a second though.

Chewbacca Sun 04-Oct-20 19:23:09

Personally, I loved holding my baby close whilst he fed; it lasts such a short time and is an irreplaceable moment in parent/baby bonding, I wouldn't have missed it for the world. But we don't know what reasons mum's could have for not holding their babies whilst they're feeding them. I can't think of any offhand, but I'm sure there are.

GrannyLaine Sun 04-Oct-20 19:31:56

So what, it really does not matter

Actually it matters a great deal.
But I don't think GN is the place for debate about it

MawB2 Sun 04-Oct-20 19:35:51

Calm down Babyshark -do (do do do do do)
As mums ourselves we are entitled to hold opinions , the important thing is not to express them to a young mum but to be supportive of her especially if she is finding breastfeeding less than easy. Yes we all know about eye contact but as much of what new mums learn seems to come from the internet these days, perhaps the time has come for daughters to learn from their mothers?

Babyshark Sun 04-Oct-20 19:35:59

I hold my baby 99% of the time I just like the cuddles but reasons for the occasions when I haven’t ~
1. She’s settled in her pram and getting her out makes her not want to go back in.
2. My back is playing up.
3. I want To be be able to move quickly ie if my 3 year old is around on her bike/playing etc.
4. Iv has minimal sleep and I’m knackered.
5. She’s learning to hold her own bottle/cup and manages this better if her arms are free and not held to me.
6. If Iv had to wrestle her into her pram and I don’t fancy another fight.
7. Sometimes she just looks comfy and content. Especially it’s cold out and shes snuggly warm.
8. If my older child needs me ie she’s eating an ice cream and making an unholy mess and I want freedom to have hands on them both.
9. If she’s asleep and I’m topping her up with milk in the hope she falls back to sleep if she has woken too early.

As I say I hold her mostly because it’s just nice but il keep an eye out for people looking at me in judgement next tine.

Babyshark Sun 04-Oct-20 19:44:18

MawB2 but it does matter. The judgement from some people is there and obvious. The comments made under people’s breath or directly to mums. I don’t know many mums personally or through my work who haven’t felt judged about their parenting. The culture of mum shaming needs to stop.

I remember with my first having to bottle feed her whilst shopping and I heard a woman whisper to her friend that I couldn’t be bothered to breast feed. Couldn’t have been further from the truth. Now as a more experienced mum I couldn’t give 2 hoots but as a new mum feeling guilty, it was weeks before I went shopping without feeling self conscious.

With the exception of safeguarding level of concerns, wouldn’t it be healthier and more inclusive to respect that everyone does things differently?

Greeneyedgirl Sun 04-Oct-20 19:53:17

Babyshark as an ex health visitor, I completely support your views, and would never form a superficial judgement on one snapshot of behaviour.

Those who have been perfect mothers in all situations - step forward.......

GagaJo Sun 04-Oct-20 20:33:32

* If they have breast feed while they're out, they're wrong.

* If they bottle feed they're wrong.

It has nothing to do with anyone else how or where a mother feeds her baby.

GagaJo Sun 04-Oct-20 20:33:51

Scuse typos!

Hetty58 Sun 04-Oct-20 20:39:23

Personally, I feel sad when I see a poor baby being bottle fed - but I mind my own business!

Babyshark Sun 04-Oct-20 20:48:03

Hetty58 save your saddness for the millions of hungry children in the world. Our happy, thriving and loved babies don’t need your pity.

May7 Sun 04-Oct-20 20:48:32

I think it's never a good idea to pass comment or judge young mothers. Unless it's a safeguarding issue then really mind your own business.

Nothing knocks your self confidence more. It appears every generation does it though?? It happened to me in the 70s.

As older women we should be encouraging and praising them. There is nothing harder than juggling a young family as we all know.

babyshark well done for speaking up thanks

Callistemon Sun 04-Oct-20 20:48:33

Mind your own business, mums in this day and age face enough judgement. I say this as a bloody children’s social worker.
Goodness me
I worked with psychiatric social workers and never came across one that would call children bloody children.

I presume you are referring to yourself there - as a bloody social worker?

However, when I read the OP I had a vision of a mother leaning over the pushchair offering her breast to the baby whilst answering an urgent phone call.

Chewbacca Sun 04-Oct-20 20:50:48

Personally, I feel sad when I see a poor baby being bottle fed

There are a whole myriad of reasons as to why a mother cannot/does not breastfeed her baby. And the baby isn't "poor" just because it's being fed by a bottle. Heavens, I thought we were all more enlightened than that.

Callistemon Sun 04-Oct-20 20:54:49

One of my poor babies was bottle fed.
Thank goodness, she may not have thrived otherwise.

Babyshark Sun 04-Oct-20 21:01:58

Apologies Callistemon if you are offended by my post. However with 2 under 4 who have been ahem challenging today, whilst I was referring to bloody social workers, I could call my kids a lot worse tonight and have in fact, under my breath.

No doubt there will be posters feeling “sad” and “angry” for my poor neglected children!

Perhaps they have been challanging as a result Of their sub par feeding experiences.

Babyshark Sun 04-Oct-20 21:04:05

Thank you May7. Ironically I find the most judgemental to be women. You’d think we would have learned by now to stop turning on each other and celebrate all the different ways you can raise a happy healthy child.

Hetty58 Sun 04-Oct-20 21:06:12

Babyshark, Oh but they do! Bottle fed babies have poorer health and shorter lives than breast fed ones - fact!