To ask to FaceTime my grandson .

It is no use blaming dil for no facetime.

She is clearly ok with her husband sending you videos and pictures.
It is your son who is only willing to do texts.

It is also not recommendable to play the "fair game" between grandparents.

The other grandparent may get more facetime and no videos or pictures. They may facetime less frequently than you think.

We don’t know that though do we?
She allows her mother to hold the baby but not me because I work with children.
It could be that my son doesn’t want to but as I say I would rather know the truth.

The other gran sees our gs three or four times a week as she doesn’t work and goes out with my DIL during the day which is great, I did the same with my daughter and granddaughters.

You and your dil clearly dont see eye to eye.

Something happened that manifests in a cordial and distant relationship with her.

If she doesnt get along with you, it is clear you wont get the same relationships with her and the baby as if you had an amicable and close relationship.
The relationship with the parents define the relationship with their children.

What your dil and the other grandma do =/ you get to do it too.

Being a grandparent is not a competition

You sound very sad, Happygran, and I feel for you.

It does seem very unfair that you are treated so differently, but there may be something going on that you don't know about. How do you know that the other gran gets to hold the baby? Does it happen when you are there?

Unless you know of a reason why your son might object, I suspect that this is coming from your DIL, and she might not realise how hurt you are - would it be possible for the two of you to talk calmly about it?

Hi there
That’s the thing, there has never been a cross word between us, she’s very polite but distant and a little cold. She doesn’t talk to my daughter or other sons and their wives. As I say she’s polite but I have to do all the conversation making, I really think she just doesn’t like us for some unknown reason.

I have bent over backwards to be nice and a good mil, in fact my other DILs say they really appreciate how I am and we all get on really well.
I would love to have this again but she doesn’t seem to want it.

Doodledog I would be fearful of pushing her even further away to be honest.

Maybe she is an introvert? Maybe personalities don't mesh?

You and your dil can be great people but have nothing in common.

The misconception that your ILs have to be your friend is very damaging.

Relationships grow overtime an organically.
Your dil and her mother have cultivated theirs for many decades.

Do you think your daughter's mil complain of the same things you are writing here?

I appreciate that and yes she is very quiet but a bit of give and take is necessary to keep things pleasant don’t you think.
My daughter doesn’t have any contact with her MIL as her partner doesn’t want her in their lives, she’s a very disturbed woman who had all of her children taken from her by SS.

Thanks anyone, I will leave things as they are as I don’t want any family disharmony.
Thanks for all the replies. X

How is your dil not being pleasant?

She is not as engaged as you wish she would be - totally different animal

It is up to your son to do the give and take, not your dil

Happygran1964

I appreciate that and yes she is very quiet but a bit of give and take is necessary to keep things pleasant don’t you think.
My daughter doesn’t have any contact with her MIL as her partner doesn’t want her in their lives, she’s a very disturbed woman who had all of her children taken from her by SS.

Not really. Being pleasant is what makes a pleasant relationship.
And you’ve already said she’s fine.

She’s just not dancing to your tune.
The reason a lot of modern women don’t do the whole your family becomes my family stuff is because the woman usually took on 100% of the mental and physical load of both family duties.
Maintaining contact, buying presents etc

My husband is my family. His family are his family. Some of them are nice. And I enjoy the time we spend together.
But I haven’t chosen them as friends. So why would I go out of my way to communicate?

You can feel your unpleasant emotions towards her through your posts.
So trust me she knows.

Sorry but you’re all wrong. My feelings are of natural hurt by being rejected by someone. I feel the vibes coming from her so why are you seeing her as the victim?
I have many examples of this rejection such as not being allowed in to see my gs when he was tiny and in hospital with suspected meningitis, how we were treated as mere guests as their wedding ( my son had to put his foot down about allowing us to sit at the top table alongside her own parents)!
I did not react in any way and we had a wonderful time anyway and I am always friendly and supportive of her when we are together.

Bibbity, sadly I do not understand your attitude towards family. I guess we are all different, I just think it’s nice to have a united family.

OP

You have a long background of threads in this board with family conflicts and you feeling left out, buying too many presents for your kids, etc

Yet, we are wrong. Okie dokie

"I have many examples of this rejection such as not being allowed in to see my gs when he was tiny and in hospital with suspected meningitis, how we were treated as mere guests as their wedding ( my son had to put his foot down about allowing us to sit at the top table alongside her own parents)!"

You are not rejected, you are overstepping your boundaries big time.

Happygran1964, 2020 has been a tough year and I'm sure many grandparents have been disappointed in the level of contact they have been able to have with their grandchildren. Maybe without that you'd have been able to visit in person more and it would never have been an issue?

I don't think you are unreasonable to say you'd like to Facetime but, other than expressing this wish, you can't enforce it. I have to say that I wouldn't be very inclined to organise Facetime with someone who wanted to Facetime with my infant. I'd have to do the work because a baby can't talk - and I don't like Facetime, so doing it under those circumstances would just be stressful. Maybe DIL feels overwhelmed with all the texts you say you send her? She's busy with a baby, after all.

You do get videos and photos so that is how your son wishes to communicate at this time. This isn't a DIL issue, this is about your son who has different preferred methods of communication with you than what you want. He's also autistic so he may find the communication side of things a bit harder than some, but that doesn't mean your DIL has to compensate for him by carrying his relationships.

As far as the other grandmother seeing the baby more because she isn't employed and you work with children, I don't think that's an excuse. My own mother isn't seeing my family at the moment because she works in a setting with children. That means she is exposed to a lot of people, so the risk of her bringing Covid into my home seems high. If she wasn't working in this setting, we would see her. It's not personal.

How were things before all this? Did you visit regularly? If all was more regular then, it might be that what you are missing at this time is one of the sad things that we have to ride out during this pandemic. You haven't been shut out as you are receiving photos and videos. The real issue may be that you and your son just have different ways you prefer to communicate.

Presents for the gkids. sorry

If you truly think you didnt do anything wrong last February when your gc had meningitis, please think again.
I bet your dil has it engraved in her mind how you made a difficult time even harder instead of supporting her.

OMG I have difficulty with FaceTime for DGD who is 3 and a half, and DGS2 who is 2 and a half! They don't stay still for more than a minute or less and wander off! How on earth would you expect to FaceTime a baby? This is so unrealistic! The baby's Mum FaceTimes her parents - that's fine, your son doesn't feel comfortable with it - that's also fine. You need to lower your expectations of parents and babies I think. Mine tend to do this when I am cooking and end up turning things off then the children go off and DDs don't notice and you are left hanging on to nothing. Please don't stress over FaceTime as it really isn't worth it.

When my DD and family lived in Australia we Skyped (remember when we thought that was the bee’s knees?) once a week, DGD 3 and 6. We did it for 5 years just for a few minutes each time, showing pictures, stories, school books etc. It was only after they had been living back home for a while did they say how stressful it was, to get the girls in front of the screen, for not only me but the other GPs.

I never said she was a victim.
But you need to realise that neither are you.
She isn’t wrong for not gushing over you all.
She sounds perfectly fine.
You don’t want to change. Fine.

But she doesn’t have to either.

OP maybe your expectations are what need to change.
by saying you would like to know why not FT, it comes across as if they/he owes you an explanation.
whereas they do not owe you anything.
just let them be. stand back. be respectful.
i have not read your previous posts but i am astonished that you wanted to intrude into a hospital when their tiny baby was dangerously ill.
you seem oblivious to the stresses you put on them.

Happygran1964

Bibbity, that’s fair enough and makes sense, it’s just the other gran FaceTimes which seems a little odd. Thank you.

I think the key here is that your DIL manages her relationship with her parents and leaves it to your son to manage your relationship. Her rarely responding to texts backs this up for me.

Don’t worry about what she plans with her family. It’s your sons job to plan things with you

My dgc lives many thousands of miles away.
I have regular email contact with the parent. The partner may or may not call hello but only occasionally joins in fully. That's ok. FaceTime started when gdc was about 3 years old. Child and parent sat at the table facing the iPad and played with playdo or dinosaurs etc.. This held the child's attention for a little while and we could talk about the toys. The timing was dictated by the child's attention span. I would have soft toys to wave at dgc etc. FaceTime would happen only about once a month, if even that. It was mostly instigated by my son. Sometimes if a couple of months passed without any FaceTime I would suggest it.... Sometime soon when it suits you. And it would usually happen within a few days. A prior email will arrange when suits. Rarely just on spec.

This is what continues to work even several years on. Would I like more? Of course. But I never criticise.