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To ask to FaceTime my grandson .

(66 Posts)
Happygran1964 Mon 12-Oct-20 18:21:00

My son and DIL had my little grandson back in January. Because of Covid we have not seen a lot of him and that’s ongoing.
I have asked if I can FaceTime him once a week so that he can see us and get to know our faces and voices. My son keeps saying yes but it never happens, they just ignore it.
This has happened several times now and I don’t know whether to ask outright if they don’t want to do this or just forget the idea.
What do you think?

NotSpaghetti Tue 13-Oct-20 01:42:52

I think I'd try to enjoy the messages and videos from your son.
9 months is very young and although you want more, you are getting regular little updates.

Personally I would not want the hassle of facetime. I think its maybe, as others have said, that it's been left to your son and that's why it doesn't happen

agnurse Tue 13-Oct-20 08:12:04

Their baby was hospitalized with meningitis. Do you know how serious that is? Their baby could have DIED. Many cases of meningitis also require the patient to be on isolation precautions.

Their baby being hospitalized was never about you and you are being VERY unreasonable to have expected ANYTHING from them during that period.

Toadinthehole Tue 13-Oct-20 12:06:35

I tend to think there is something wrong here, which is not being addressed. Could very well go back to the meningitis, when it must have been completely traumatising for them. I really would step right back, put your energy into your other children/ grandchildren, and give these two space. My friend’s little boy had meningitis when around 18 months, and it was a few years before they could relax. You have other family. Enjoy them, and let your son and DIL come to you when they’re ready. If you keep pushing, you’ll more than likely push them away.

Illte Tue 13-Oct-20 12:42:59

Wasn't it Happygran who was complaining that she couldn't just pop in to see her great-grandson whenever she wanted?
Because the grandsons wife wouldn't be part of Happygrans "united family".

Hmm, bit of a pattern? Or just a stir it up post?

Hithere Tue 13-Oct-20 14:08:54

OP has a family that doesnt live up to her standards

1. Not seeing her first gc as often as she would like
2. overgifting presents to gc and not understanding why the parents were mad, 3. not being included in this song's wedding and preparations,
4.her adult children not having the relationship she would like them to have, 5. not being able to see her gc born this January
6. now the facetime request, etc.

Clear pattern that her expectations are not met.

BlueSky Tue 13-Oct-20 16:54:14

Happygran all that sounds familiar, I wonder if it’s a common problems with sons and DILs? Is it different when it’s our daughters and SILs? confused

Summerlove Tue 13-Oct-20 17:13:23


Happygran all that sounds familiar, I wonder if it’s a common problems with sons and DILs? Is it different when it’s our daughters and SILs? confused

I think a lot of it is that wives expect their husbands to do the role of social secretary (wife work) with their own family. Most of today’s grandmothers took over that role them selves when they married, so they expect it would be similar in their children’s families.

The disconnect and discontent happens when the daughter-in-law isn’t acting as the mother-in-law expects, and the mother-in-law isn’t getting as many calls or visits as she expects and blames the daughter-in-law, when in fact it’s her own child who has dropped the ball

BlueSky Tue 13-Oct-20 18:16:25

I only have experience of sons and DILs, I’m sure a mother-daughter relationship is a lot closer especially when the children come along. I guess it’s natural.

Nansnet Wed 14-Oct-20 04:29:45

Happygran1964, I can understand how you are feeling, but I really do think that maybe you're reading more into this than what it actually is. I'm in the same situation, and I've not seen my little GD for several months due to Covid/flight restrictions.

We all know it's a fact that daughters mostly gravitate towards their own mothers, rather than their MiL, so it can only be expected that your DiL sees/facetimes her own mum regularly. I have a good relationship with my DiL, but I wouldn't expect her to facetime me. As others have said, that's really up to your son to make the effort to facetime you ... or perhaps you could take the initiative and facetime him occasionally?

I know for a fact that my DiL facetimes her parents more regularly that our son contacts us ... I think that's a basic difference between sons and daughters. However, as time has gone on, our son has started to voice his concerns that our little GC isn't going to remember/recongnise us, so he's actually started to facetime us a couple of times each week. I'm very conscious of the fact that they have busy lives, so I tend not to try to call them too often, as I don't want to become that annoying grandparent, calling them when it's not convenient. And I don't get offended if they don't answer my call on the odd occasion that I do.

So, my advice is, it's completely natural for your DiL to call her own mother/father, and not call you. You shouldn't expect her to, regardless of your relationship with her. It's completely natural for you son to be lax in making contact with you ... sons are generally not as good at it as daughters! Try to facetime your son (but not too often!), and just ask how things are going with them, but don't expect to have a big long converstaion, and time chatting to your grandchild ... it simply won't happen! And like someone else said, if he doesn't answer, just follow up with a quick message to say you just wanted see how things are going with them all, and maybe he could facetime you when it's convenient, as you'd love to 'Hi' to your little GS!

Our GD is 2, and we're lucky if we get to see her for a full minute ... but she's always happy to blow us kiss and wave goodbye, which makes it all worth it!

joanna12 Wed 14-Oct-20 05:31:07

Hello.I totally agree with nansnet and I have taken your post on board.I have a son,and I don't think I appreciate how busy he is plus they have two children under three.I know it hurts so much right now but there are a lot of us in your situation so I feel for you.Our grandchildren are safe and hopefully we can all cuddle soon.take care.x

BlueSky Wed 14-Oct-20 08:45:22

Agree with everything you said Nansnet!

Babyshark Wed 14-Oct-20 09:19:59

I think Happygran based on your previous posts you have damaged the relationship with your dil (you thinking about your own needs when her baby was in hospital was probably an absolute deal breaker for her).

Therefore she maintains her distance and expects your son to communicate with you. He doesn’t like FaceTime so it simply doesn’t happen. It seems like your dil has reached a point where she feels no responsibility towards you and from other posts I’m afraid this is of your own making.

LizziesMom Thu 15-Oct-20 03:23:52

You don't seem too happy of a grandmother, HappyGran? My mother in law had this problem too. She thought becoming a grandma would be the happiest time in her life (weird?--was not motherhood the happiest time? I digress...). However mismatched expectations and these dreamy ideals one tends to have in their head rarely, if ever, play out in real life. What you imagined being a grandma would be like will not likely be reality. And as adults we need to suck it up, accept it, and make peace within ourselves for our own sanity. Is it easy? Of course not! But I have read many wise words stating a grandparent's main role is on the sidelines, or backseat. Just watch from afar, let them know you are avail any time, give lots of love and kind words, add no unnecessary tension or discord, and I can promise you will be met with open arms when they are ready. Best wishes.

Hetty58 Thu 15-Oct-20 05:08:22

HappyGran, you should, indeed, forget the whole idea for now. It's just not practical and your requests can easily be seen as demands.

Not many folk want to keep a regular FaceTime 'appointment' and be tethered to the screen for a set time!

My mother got into the habit of phoning me at work, every Tuesday afternoon, with all her (very trivial, boring) 'news'. I couldn't get a word in edgeways (or any work done) - and it drove me mad.

Eventually, I told her to stop phoning as my manager had given me a verbal warning about it (a lie, to soften the blow).
Now, I'm extra careful not to chat for too long with my busy kids!

joanna12 Thu 15-Oct-20 10:08:47

Wise words lizziesmom,gransnet is so helpful.A lot of very kind people and very thought provoking.