Gransnet forums


Just need a rant.

(39 Posts)
Minigrandma Wed 14-Oct-20 15:16:48

Before lockdown I looked after my grandchild full time.

During lockdown I took the decision that I couldn’t carry on full time and talked to the parents who agreed that when lock down was over and nurseries were open again they would look at putting the child in nursery for a couple of days a week.

This hasn’t happened I am still waiting I keep asking but keep getting fobbed off.

His mum was working but has now given up her job because of ill health, she gets tired a lot, and apparently is not fit enough to look after a 2 year old.

I am still having my grandchild full time even though the mum is at home all day.

I am not well myself and they both know this, but obviously I don’t matter.

I know there is nothing I can do just needed a rant.

sodapop Wed 14-Oct-20 15:23:43

Why are you still doing it Minigrandma you have already said its too much for you.
I would give them a cut off date e.g. one month's time to make alternative arrangements and then you are unavailable. I would have some pressing appointments on the first few days. You need to take care of yourself now. Good luck.

Toadinthehole Wed 14-Oct-20 15:25:19

Is this your daughter or DIL? I’m guessing the latter. What a difficult situation, but not one that should continue. Could you offer to help her in her own home? Start big and then work down if you follow me. Doing less and less. What about other family members? Presumably, your son, son in law? is working. It’s one of those things where you’ve got to break the cycle. Are they bringing him to you every day, or does he live with you? Please don’t continue though, certainly not to the detriment of your own health.

AGAA4 Wed 14-Oct-20 16:13:05

Minigrandma I know it is difficult but you do need to have a conversation with the parents and tell them your own health is suffering.
Are you able to cut down the time you have your grandchild or do you need to give up altogether?
Maybe the minding could be split between nursery and you. That could take the strain off you if you could manage a much shorter time.

silverlining48 Wed 14-Oct-20 16:28:55

Full time with a two year old. That is hard work and I understand why you want to stop. Rant away here but you do need to speak to them again. If you can offer a day or two if you feel you can or else say you will help in emergencies but dont offer more because we none of us are getting any younger and small children are very tiring. I have the tee shirt, I know. You are entitled to a life of your own, which you wont get by doing full time child care. If the mother is home all day anyway there is absolutely no reason you should still be expected to do the childcare.
If they agreed earlier then they shoukd be looking for alternatives. Think you might have to be firm.,good luck.

PollyDolly Wed 14-Oct-20 16:36:39

Errrr! The child is theirs NOT yours! You certainly need to put and end to being put on and expected to look after a 2 year old when the mum is it home all day! If she's not well enough to care for her own child she should arrange for nursery care!
You state that you are not in the best of health?! Stand your ground, you've done your bit, time to be firm!

GrandmaKT Wed 14-Oct-20 16:57:57

Think about what you actually can and want to do. Would you still like to look after GC for say 2 days a week still? Or have you had enough and are ready for a complete break? When you've decided, you will have to have the conversation and, as sodapop has said, set a deadline and stick to it. flowers

NfkDumpling Wed 14-Oct-20 18:51:57

Perhaps offer to have DGC until just after lunch? If DiL gets tired easily she should still be able to manage half a day.

Esspee Wed 14-Oct-20 19:04:58

In your position I would give a date, perhaps the end of the month, after which you would be unable to do regular caring. They need to arrange nursery care if the mother cannot step up to care for her own child.

Babyshark Wed 14-Oct-20 19:14:05

Gosh I am reliant on my parents for SOME childcare but your son and dil are taking the absolute mick. I couldn’t sleep at night knowing I was at home all day but my parents were shouldering childcare AFTER they said it was too much.

You need to do more than rant op! What’s wrong with your dil?

ValerieF Thu 15-Oct-20 18:46:56

I would have said, if you looked after your grandson full time before lockdown, what has changed now? Until I read, his mother is not working and she is just tired? Is it more than tiredness though Minigrandma? I think I would like to get to the bottom of why a mum who isn't working can't look after her child on a daily basis. Is she ill? Does she have other problems? Being tired can be a sign of lots of things so unless you probe you won't know what is the cause.

IF, there are no reasons why, then you need to assert yourself and tell the parents, you need a break. Doesn't have to be nasty and you can arrange to babysit or whatever but they do need to arrange full time childcare if the mother can't look after her own child.

emmasnan Thu 15-Oct-20 18:55:18

They are enjoying free childcare. You are tired and need a break too.

coastiepostie Fri 16-Oct-20 10:01:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BRAVEBETH Fri 16-Oct-20 10:02:11

Please take care of yourself. Book some dates for yourself and tell them you will be unable to care for your grandchild. I am now exhausted because I did not care for myself. I am waiting for surgery. Do not wait until a crisis happens start caring for yourself today even if it is only a visit to the library or tea with a friend. Please be kind to yourself now.

sandelf Fri 16-Oct-20 10:02:19

What would have happened if you were not available?..! If she is genuinely unwell - offer to help AT HER HOME. She should be happy to have company and the moral boost of someone to SHARE the work with. - Or go ambling/to the park with them. But you do have to stop being their 'get out of looking after our sprog for free' card.

beverly10 Fri 16-Oct-20 10:07:08

Enough is enough.What on earth is wrong with the parents??You are not well so what would they do in the event you were not in a position health wise to care for their child .Cards on the table if the parents are not happy that you cannot carry on with child care then this will show you are but a convenience.
The ball has to be in your court.

Shandy3 Fri 16-Oct-20 10:11:37

I know there is nothing I can do just needed a rant.

Why do you feel there is nothing you can do? However, I agree if you do nothing, then nothing will change.

donna1964 Fri 16-Oct-20 10:17:21

What a cheek! Your daughter is taking advantage of you big time! What is she doing whilst you have her child full time? Put your foot down and tell her this cannot carry on...people will treat you the way you let them until you open your mouth and say no more!

inishowen Fri 16-Oct-20 10:18:01

This is so wrong. Granny minds the difficult toddler while mum stays at home with her feet up. Please tell them you're not up to it any more and give them a date it must stop.

crazygranny Fri 16-Oct-20 10:26:44

You need an uncomfortable but necessary conversation with the parents to understand if there is some problem that prevents the previous agreement. The child will benefit from nursery as will its mother and grandmother and there shouldn't be an enormous cost as there will be funding to cover most of the time. Good luck! x

JaneRn Fri 16-Oct-20 12:04:03

My thoughts are that because your daughter has had to give up her job she has just discovered that there is another job which is nuch more demanding, namely looking after her child. Every time I hear mothers who stay at home described as not working I could scream. Perhaps your daughter has found this out..

In the meantime, my feeling is that you should stop looking after your grandson on a regular basis and start thinking about yourself.

NannyDaft Fri 16-Oct-20 12:26:39

As the the other ladies say give them 1 months notice to make other arrangements for their 2 year old son ! Start looking after your self .

Newatthis Fri 16-Oct-20 12:37:50

Yes, there is something you can do - you can say "no". Ease off - perhaps make yourself less available and say you doing something - only babysit when you want to or it might become a resentment - not towards your grandchild but he might pick up on these feelings.

annehinckley Fri 16-Oct-20 12:41:10

If you never say 'No' what is your 'Yes' worth?

icanhandthemback Fri 16-Oct-20 12:41:31

Actually, to keep looking after a grandchild when you are not up to it is putting it in danger. If anything goes wrong and Children's Social Services become involved, their situation will be much more stressful. I know this from experience because this is where my daughter is at the moment. Be firm for the sake of the child and the parents. If Mum has ill health and is struggling, get her to ask Adult Social Services for an assessment so they can help her access help. Two year olds can be entitled to some free nursery care if there is a health issue with the mother which might help.