Gransnet forums


Just need a rant.

(40 Posts)
Minigrandma Wed 14-Oct-20 15:16:48

Before lockdown I looked after my grandchild full time.

During lockdown I took the decision that I couldn’t carry on full time and talked to the parents who agreed that when lock down was over and nurseries were open again they would look at putting the child in nursery for a couple of days a week.

This hasn’t happened I am still waiting I keep asking but keep getting fobbed off.

His mum was working but has now given up her job because of ill health, she gets tired a lot, and apparently is not fit enough to look after a 2 year old.

I am still having my grandchild full time even though the mum is at home all day.

I am not well myself and they both know this, but obviously I don’t matter.

I know there is nothing I can do just needed a rant.

LauraNorder Fri 16-Oct-20 12:43:47

Looking after an energetic two year old is exhausting even for a young mum never mind a not so fit grandmother. If mum is not fit for the job could you offer to help her at home for an hour or two and then take the little one for a walk or home with you for an hour so that mum can sleep. Maybe you could do this two or three times a week and the little one could go to nursery the rest of the week. A fair compromise for two years until school starts to keep the peace and to keep your bond with your grandchild.
If that’s more than you can cope with then you need to say so.
Be strong and good luck.

Purplepixie Fri 16-Oct-20 12:54:46

Be brave and put your foot down. Say that you are not 100% and dont want to do it anymore. You have a life as well.

Mealybug Fri 16-Oct-20 13:03:45

I think you now need to force the issue due to your own health problems. I know she also has problems but she's at home all day and not looking after her own child. Tell them you are not able to do it anymore and force them into getting a nursery place for the little one, otherwise they will just leave things as they are and you will be suffering.

Buffy Fri 16-Oct-20 14:39:30

Minigrandma, You must be exhausted !! You too will soon be ill. I know what it’s like looking after a toddler no matter how well behaved. You need to find out what the mother’s illness is. You don’t say whether she is your daughter or daughter-in-law. Isn’t there another grandma who can help?

Greciangirl Fri 16-Oct-20 15:11:30

The child is definitely entitled to some free nursery care.

Take the bull by the horns and make some enquiries on behalf of your daughter.

I don’t understand why this has been overlooked.

Riggie Fri 16-Oct-20 15:32:38

I think the onus is on you to do something. Of course it shouldn't have to be, but theu have ignored your requests and probably think you are happy to continue. Tome for notice to be given that you will no longer available (or only available for a reduced time) and be assertive about sticking to it.

GreenGran78 Fri 16-Oct-20 16:11:41

Point 1. What is wrong with the child’s mother? Is she genuinely sick? Does she have a mental health problem? Is she just enjoying fobbing her energetic toddler off on you, while she sits around at home?
Point 2. Now that there is only one wage coming in, can they afford to pay for a nursery place? Childcare is very expensive.
Point 3. None of this is your problem, or responsibility. You need to get to the bottom of what is happening. If your health is suffering due to caring for your grandchild then they need to make other arrangements.
If there is a genuine problem with the mum’s health, perhaps you could offer to visit their home to help out, if you feel up to it. If there are financial problems about paying for childcare, maybe you could offer a little help if you can afford it.
Whatever happens, you need to firmly tell them that things can’t continue as they are.

silverlining48 Sat 17-Oct-20 10:55:57

Just a thought if you are fully available to care for this child another may/will come along soon and the expectation will be that you provide childcare.
Set a few boundaries now while you can,

Minigrandma Sat 17-Oct-20 11:08:58

Thank you all for your replies.

When I say I have no choice I really don’t the child’s dad would give up his job to look after the child and that’s not feasible in the long run.

I have absolutely no idea what is wrong with her, every time I ask I just get told more tests she is no better.

While I understand she is ill I have suggested she has him a couple of mornings a week to see how she copes, hopefully she will do this, even though this will cause more problems for me catching two buses to pick him up at lunch time.

Hopefully the child care problem will be sorted when he is 3 and he can go to nursery for so many hours government funded, but that won’t be until after Easter next year.

Will just have to get on with it until then.

silverlining48 Sat 17-Oct-20 11:50:16

Two buses? You must be exhausted.

silverlining48 Sat 17-Oct-20 11:52:43

It might be worth contacting social services who may be able to help. Certainly when I was a SW we came across this problem from time to time and we did help. Parents should give them a ring to discuss.

lynx Sat 17-Oct-20 12:41:02

My DIL was the same for a while and nobody knew what was wrong. Then she was diagnosed with fibromythalgia (sp?). However I am surprised that they aren't telling you anything, even if to say they don't yet know. Agree with above, you need to do something for your own health. Good luck.

DiscoDancer1975 Sat 17-Oct-20 15:31:51

Yes, my daughter has ME, and when her first child was born, they actually lived with us for three months, until she felt capable of going to her own home. She has s now due second baby in two weeks, and may have to do the same again, we’ll see. She wants to do it herself now, and has always learnt to pace herself. Is it something like this do you think with your DIL? ME can’t actually be diagnosed, it’s just a matter of eliminating everything else. Bless you, it’s such a hard situation, but they really do need to take the reins, and relieve you. Who else is there if you collapse? Perhaps Social Services is the answer. Next Easter is ages away when you’re struggling, and there’d still be drop offs and pick ups to do. Hope you can get to the bottom of what is wrong with her.?

Jo1960 Sat 17-Oct-20 17:55:52

I have fibromyalgia, back problems and severe asthma as well as a couple of other issues and totally understand both you and your GC's mum. She probably can't say any more than further tests are being done; it took me 5 years from having to finally give up work to get a diagnosis. Another poster, up the thread, described the absolute physical and mental exhaustion to a tee. I would suggest that you arrange to meet up with the parents and any other grandparents, aunts, uncles and chat through what arrangements you can make between you to look after your GC without anyone being resentful or guilt tripped. As they say it takes a village...