Gransnet forums


Bad grandma?

(74 Posts)
Loulou31 Mon 09-Nov-20 10:41:55

Was I unreasonable? My granddaughter wanted to borrow my laptop to do her college work and I said No. I don’t use it very often as I have an i pad and there is an old desk top upstairs that DH uses but I recently paid £100 to have it repaired and we often don’t get back things we lend and the other kids are not the best at looking after stuff. I’d be quite happy for her to use it here. Luckily she borrowed the other grandma’s but I feel so bad about saying no.

midgey Mon 09-Nov-20 10:45:17

Of course you are not bad, you do what feels right for you.

lemsip Mon 09-Nov-20 10:46:00

if I didn't use mine very often I would be pleased to loan it to my granddaughter!

Madgran77 Mon 09-Nov-20 10:46:51

You had your reasons which were valid. It was better to be honest than lend it and then resentful! The problem is solved for her anyway . If she asks again, offer for her to use at your house and explain that you want to avoid risk of accidental breaking.

Alexa Mon 09-Nov-20 11:05:28

you were quite right Lulu. It would do the young person no good to feel entitled to whatever she wanted to have.

OceanMama Mon 09-Nov-20 11:18:33

With a history of not getting things back and having others around who don't look after things, saying no seems reasonable. Alternatively you could offer to let her use it at your house, at your table, where you know she won't take it away and it is safe.

petra Mon 09-Nov-20 11:25:18

My grandchildren know their nana has a problem saying no.
? So it very rarely happens.

Kate1949 Mon 09-Nov-20 12:08:22

I'm the same as you petra.

Jaxjacky Mon 09-Nov-20 12:21:03

My GD borrowed ours during lockdown for school work under DD’s supervision, then it came back.i

M0nica Mon 09-Nov-20 14:06:43

Why on earth should you be a bad grandmother for not lending a computer to someone who would probably damage it if they returned it at all?

I wouldn't think twice about saying no in those circumstances.

Astral Mon 09-Nov-20 14:11:39

It belongs to you, you have a right to lend or not lend your own belongings.

I can see why it makes you feel bad though, especially when other grandma was happy to lend one.

Child who needed laptop now has one so it all worked out.

Hithere Mon 09-Nov-20 14:11:40

Is she also part of the "borrowing and not returning/taking care of the item" gang?

25Avalon Mon 09-Nov-20 14:16:09

There’s a lot of personal stuff on my laptop even though I too use an iPad and I wouldn’t lend it out for that reason.

Doodledog Mon 09-Nov-20 14:57:40


There’s a lot of personal stuff on my laptop even though I too use an iPad and I wouldn’t lend it out for that reason.

This is true for me, too.

I wouldn't lend my laptop to anyone, and I wouldn't ask anyone to lend me theirs - even my husband has his own, and I wouldn't use it without his consent. I recently got a new one, and am passing the old one to my daughter, but not before it is wiped to factory settings.

Before anyone mentions trust, that has nothing whatsoever to do with it - it is about privacy and keeping personal things to myself.

NfkDumpling Mon 09-Nov-20 15:01:38

I would never lend a laptop or any other computer. Especially if it was going to two of my three offspring's homes as their houses eat things. And I've told them as much. Anything we lend to them we know we're unlikely to get back - unless we want to borrow it!

luluaugust Mon 09-Nov-20 15:02:05

Saying no to the GC is never easy but just think you have probably saved yourself loads of trouble trying to get it back.I bet your GD has forgotten she even asked.

B9exchange Mon 09-Nov-20 15:15:23

Absolutely not unreasonable. If GD needs a laptop for school, then the school or parents should provide it. I can't let them use mine anyway as it is used for confidential hospice work and I would be breaking my data protection agreement, but I wouldn't let it go anyway.

Loulou31 Mon 09-Nov-20 15:37:15

No, granddaughter who wanted to borrow is very good, it’s just the general madness in the house where the others just seem very lax. I expect I would have given in if it hadn’t been solved but DH just get fed up with the fact we usually only get contracted when any of them want something.

NotTooOld Mon 09-Nov-20 16:29:42

I think luluaugust is right. We agonise about these things when the dgc have forgotten all about it. Don't give it another thought, you did the right thing.

welbeck Mon 09-Nov-20 17:35:23

unfortunately that is the reality for many older people, that offspring only contact them when they want something.
i see cases of this near here. they seem to regard the oldies as boring or irrelevant, unless they can be tapped for something. then dropped again.

MissAdventure Mon 09-Nov-20 17:41:09

"No" is the most reasonable answer, if you really don't want to do something.

harrigran Mon 09-Nov-20 17:57:18

I would not loan my laptop to GD.
We bought her a one for Christmas 2018, in for repair two weeks later. Bought her a top end laptop for Christmas 2019, had to be repaired two weeks later.

BlueBelle Mon 09-Nov-20 18:01:12

If you don t want to then you did the right thing it’s not what I would have done I would have loaned it like a shot but we re all different no rights or wrongs just what’s right for you

Hithere Tue 10-Nov-20 01:44:42

Thanks for answering my question!

It is your laptop and your right to say no. Why take the risk?

M0nica Tue 10-Nov-20 22:39:05

I think that too many parents brought their children up, mistakingly thinking that giving then everything they want was a way of indicating their love and care for their children. No wonder so many have grown up with a sense of entitlement to whatever they want, and judge their parents affection by how much they give or buy them.

This is why people like the OP think they are 'bad' when they stop doing it, either because they can no longer afford it or because their own belongings will be damaged by family members.

It is time some parents cut the umbilical cord and told their adult children to act like adults and not keep expecting their parents to treat them like children, whether it is money, goods or childcare, Parents should be the lender/giver of last resort, not an immediate solution to their adult children's every problems.