Bad grandma?

I’d have bought her a laptop

If I already had an iPad and a desk top too I don’t think I would have hesitated to lend her my laptop. And that’s not mollycoddling or fostering a sense of entitlement, in my mind it’s just called helping out.

I agree Nanna58.

I sympathise. I wouldn't lend mine as I use it all the time but thinking about it, I probably wouldn't in any case. And I probably would feel uncomfortable with that 'no'.

It is so difficult to say 'no' to them because kids today live in an 'entitlement' environment...of getting everything they want...and more.

Personally, I currently see my granddaughter so little that when I do see her I tend to go a bit over the top... a few small things ordered online. Yes, it's my way, and currently with Covid isolating, one way I can show her I've been thinking about her.

When aged six she asked me one day if a grandma's job was to 'spoil the kids and let them do things that their parents won't'!! I thought that was lovely! And I do think that's an image of a granny I like.... a lovely space for kids away from their busy family lives.

When I was little we got a present at birthdays and Christmas and chocolate eggs at Easter and in between there was very little of getting what you wanted apart from clothes and, to be honest, I never even thought I 'needed' anything. I think my childhood was quite extreme...and how things are now too extreme in the other direction. There is constant advertising at kids to own the latest stuff and I think that is where a lot of the blame lies.

Each individual has to make their own decisions around what they do or don't do for their children and grandchildren and that is usually informed by their own life experiences.

No you were justified.It begs the question, "well what happened to whatever she was using before that then?" Im guessing she maybe had one previously? So something may have happened to that- missing or broke so id have said no too.Even though im usually quite 'soft' with my grandkids, but id have said no in this instance, unless i had an old one i could afford to give away outright.Id reset to factory settings though- if you'd had banking details etc on there & she took it in to college with her you never know who it would have been at risk from.

You did what you wanted to and felt right for you. End of. I would certainly have bought her one but only one. We all do things differently according to desires, logic and means. No 'right' way in this GP constant test. Just ongoing but, in its own way, lovely.

You are entitled to say no Loulou and shouldn’t feel guilty.
For myself, I would have lent mine to my Grandchild for college work, under the proviso it was looked after, used by only her and returned when she goes back to college.

If she needs a computer to do her college work this won't be a one off and therefore her parents ought to be arranging to get her one- even if its 2nd hand. How can they expect her to do this work if she doesn't have one.

There is another aspect to this case apart from the decision not to lend an expensive piece of kit to a careless borrower (where saying no is the right answer) and that is that, were the laptop to be lost, stolen or damaged through no fault of the borrower's own, she would be still be held responsible. Given that 'the other kids are not good at looking after stuff' the likelihood of mishap is high.

The OP is doing her granddaughter a favour by turning her request down politely.

I totally understand what you mean when you say they only contact you if they want something. In the past I have lent money to my son but since lockdown in March I think I have spoken to my 9 year old grand daughter 3 times and seen her once. But I can guarantee that if they run short of money they will soon be texting to see if I am ok !!

I would have given it to her to keep . I did this when my daughter asked to borrow mine last year. I don't think possession are as important as people. I have my iPad and smartphone. My mum always taught me "what you give with a good heart you get back threefold" and as far as family is concerned I've always found it to be true .

You did the right thing but I understand you feeling uneasy about your decision. My granddaughter FaceTimed me and told me she had dropped her phone and smashed it beyond repair. I might be misrepresenting her but when I suggested she had enough in her savings to buy a new one she said she was saving for a £350 laptop. I had the lingering suspicion she wanted me to fund a new phone but I didn’t offer, as I thought she should learn to be more careful with her belongings. Feel a bit mean though.

grannygranby

I’d have bought her a laptop

Not always that simple.........we have eight grandchildren who all get treated the same! The equivalent cost of 8 laptops is way out of our remit!

You have done just the right thing if you are uncertain as to whether you would get it back in one piece - if at all. I've had a lot of bad experiences with people borrowing household equipment that has been returned broken, and books that have been fit for the bin with folded pages and unidentfied stains (yuk!)

Not at all. You were asked a question and you answered it.

M0nica, I have just recently had this conversation with my DD. Her daughter and her boyfriend bought a house which we have helped with bits of furniture and other smaller items. I have told her now they have to both stand on there own two feet and no more money should be given to them. I know she wasn't to pleased but it has given her food for thought.

I would NEVER have lent it out, as I feel young people today have a real sense of entitlement. Why could the parents not bought her one? A second hand one is not expensive.

I wouldn’t be lending my iPad out to anyone let alone my grandchildren, but I wouldn’t feel bad

I would have felt guilt , too , we all want to help each other especially our Grandchildren BUT I've started to say to mine . Things I've paid for or given or lent get badly treated or instantly broken in their busy, caotic household . Toys etc that I've bought are left out in the rain etc. The eldest child phoned wanting money - she wanted a chinese carry out for her tea - I was having a cheese on toast ! I bravely said no , and found it to be easy so it's GOT to be no from now on . They've cleaned me out emotionally and financially .

I dont blame you not lending out your Computer...especially if the family are not good at returning your stuff. I've done it too often in the past and not had my stuff returned...you end up getting angry with yourself because you should have known better. Good on you...you have learned your lesson...dont feel bad about it. x

I didn’t use mine a lot so my partner ‘lent’ it to his grandson and I know that I won’t get it back. I feel angry about it but not much I can do. It isn’t unreasonable to want to hold on to your property. Is it possible that you might take a fancy to something of hers ?

in theory i agree that material possessions are less important than people, and it's good to help those we care about.
but
it has to be a two-way street. and so often is not. hence the entitlement attitude. i see it often with elders who extend themselves, give of their time, effort, physical exertion, goods, money, and often go without themselves. and their offspring take and take.

How hard does your family try to please and help you, Loulou31? Do they feel guilty for not attending to your every need?

Don’t feel bad. Do what is right for you.