AIBU to expect approx same value gift

It rather takes the meaning of gift giving if all one is concerned about is how much it cost and that one person is getting something more expensive than the other person. If that us your concern, then yes, YABU, but I suspect that there is much more to this and there are deeper issues. You are upset because he!s gone ahead and said what he wants, without consulting you first, but why? (Don't answer that here -ask yourself why this is upsetting you so much). It seems as if the pair of you need to have a good long chat about what the real problem is here. It probably runs deeper than choosing Xmas gifts.

Forget value, just be grateful for a present. Will you throw your toys out of the pram if his present is bigger than yours too?

Regardless of who asked, made the decision, etc., I wouldn't ever ask my children for such expensive presents. I try to find items I need or want for small amounts of money. I give them stuff to the value of £50 and I wouldn't expect them to spend anything like that on me. Their life expenses are bigger than mine and their needs are greater as they have the expense of bringing up their families.
As for your husband not appreciating anything other than the stuff he has selected, he sounds like a spoiled brat. Whatever happened to being grateful for gifts! As for ringing your daughter to change his mind because you two have had a row, it sounds so terribly childish.

Im sorry but you are coming across like a spoiled brat.

I can’t really see the problem. They are probably copper and a real treat, as someone else said she could always decide to just buy one of the items. I bought my daughter a Copper dibber and it did cost about £35. And is just lovely, copper is quite magical in the soil and expensive. I might think he was bloody cheeky and perhaps could have told me first but really we are independent beings and can be proactive on our own accounts. Bear it in mind for when you don’t want to share a decision?

DBOHB FYI I am not worried if I don’t get a present. Just trying to be considerate to my dd and family. If they don’t mind giving me less, fine by me, but maybe not by them.

Shouldn't we all just be grateful that loved ones made it to Christmas this year?

In your place I would phone DD and tell her precisely what happened and that you feel that her father is unreasonable in expecting so expensive a gift for him alone.

See what she says.

I know how difficult it is finding something to wish for at the drop of a hat, so I make notes of things that occur to me in the course fo the year.

This way I am not caught out when asked what I would like for my birthday and for Christmas as they are only a month apart.

£18 for a dibber!!! Never mind the hand made sieve. Why is it to be handmade? Think I would be telling DH to rethink his requests - the cost of the dibber alone is enough, perhaps some labels for all the planting he intends could be added.

Casdon

I’m sorry but I do think YABU. It’s nothing to do with monetary value surely? He was proactive in deciding what he wanted and ringing your daughter which is good because it gives her time to order, which is presumably why she asked early. If she can’t afford to get both items she has the option to buy one or the other depending on her budget. I honestly don’t see the problem, once you’ve decided what you want, ring and tell her?

I'm simply impressed that he could make his mind up so quickly!
We do a Secret Santa but OH used to spoil it by saying things like Where do I get ?? for (named recipient)? One year he actually asked me to go and get it.

I would be happy with a nice card I have everything else I need,except my husband . So think yourself lucky.

Think I’d tell DH or BH to buy his own
Hand made seive. He’s not HRH by chance is he?

For goodness sake I thought Christmas was supposed to be the season of goodwill not monetary value! Don't expect anything from anyone this year, so many struggling in the economic downturn - that way no-one needs to worry whether one present is worth more than another!!
Bah Humbug!!!!

When my Mum was alive, we each used to buy ourselves what we wanted/needed, wrap it up and open it on Christmas day.
We both got what we wanted and didn't have to pay postage.
The Secret Santa route with an upper cost limit seems an ideal compromise,

Sounds to me like a storm in a teacup (or sieve and dibber). If the value of presents is such a contentious issue I would suggest donating the money to a charity such as Crisis for the homeless.
I have a few friends in other parts of the country with whom I usually exchange Christmas presents. I have contacted them and explained that this year I will not be sending gifts as I am not going to shops or the post office, and I'm not contributing to Jeff Bezos's Christmas bonus. They have all enthusiastically agreed not to exchange presents, noting that we are all grown-ups now.
PS I'm not unsympathetic to your feelings, Avalon 25, and I hope that you will soon kiss and make up with your dh.

etheltbags1

Are christmas gifts not supposed to be about thought and kindness to each other. In our present climate we all should be glad to have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. Christmas presents should be a lovely surprise not costed out.

Got it in one etheltbags1. Having just driven past the local food back, the cost of who spends what on who for Christmas seems very trivial.

This all sounds very petty to me, not worth wasting the effort of upsetting yourself. My husband often says, & does things without my ‘consent’ he does not need it! We usually have a discussion about it at a later point. I know that if it was something of importance we would discuss prior to any action or decision.

We do a £20 secret Santa amongst the grown ups which allows us all to spend more on the children. I totally agree with Purplepoppies though. Surely we should all just be thankful that our nearest and dearest have stayed safe & well this Christmas. So many families have been less fortunate.

Oh dear- This all sounds very silly indeed. It's very difficult as you get older to come up with gift ideas that people can buy you both for Xmas, so I think in your position I would be relieved that it had been done. I think if equal treatment with your husband matters to you- you need to have a word with him and agree the amount each of you can ask for from DD.
I do wonder if this is actually about something else that your husband has done or been doing that has upset you. It maybe that you need to have a think about things and decide what matters here.

I don’t think I could spend that sort of money on small garden items for myself and definitely couldn’t expect my child, how ever old or rich to do so either. And to think because your husband is having £62 spent on him that you must do too is unbelievable. How very petty. I can honestly say that if a gift is carefully chosen and given with love the cost doesn’t matter at all. It just seems like a nasty piece of one up manship between a married couple. Horrible.

I’m far from a grinch, but the pressure put on us for buying expensive presents at Christmas is getting too much. I have long tried to instil in my family that a crimble is more than acceptable, find something from a charity shop, buy me some reels of thread, make something.
Christmas brings out stress and family issues, the run upto Christmas is commercially driven.
My mantra is that birthdays are their day when they get a special gift.
Christmas is a holiday when we celebrate Christ’s birth, eat nice things, give small gifts, curl up in front of the fire with a good book, glass of good wine with cheese and biscuits.

As far as I can work out this is not a joint present, so to get this sorted out phone your DD tell her to choose one or both of the presents for Dad according to her budget, just say there was a bit of crossed wires going on, probably both lockdown crazy, then say you would like some smells, sparkles or whatever but tell her to choose so she is free to pay what she likes. Then take your DH a cup/glass of something and smooth things over, with all the death and loneliness about it really isn't worth falling out with the only person you are likely to see at present.

I can understand where the OP is coming from. It’s not to do with monetary value at all. It’s the fact that her DH hadn’t discussed with her what they should ask for and then selfishly asked for something for himself.
Last year and again this year we shall be asking our two children to jointly put towards a present for each of us. I also contribute so it’s a present from the three of us to my DH and he does the same for me. That way we both get what we want and as both children live in another country it saves on postage.

I have no idea what your daughter would normally spend, but I do think this is asking for rather a lot.

We have lists for adults in our family but everyone suggests a few very modest items, from which one is chosen. Those with children are not expected to buy any adult gifts at all.

I would have got in touch with D and said to go ahead with H's wish and I would underwrite however much his gift was over her budget. Strictly private arrangement, of course.