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AIBU

wanting to spend Christmas on my own

(92 Posts)
Daisychain Sat 05-Dec-20 14:26:59

I have a lovely family, but they won't hear of me spending
Xmas on my own.
I was looking forward to it, and even planned out my menus
But no they think this is outrageous
I am probably wrong but I feel I am being bullied.
is it reasonable to feel like this?

tanith Sat 05-Dec-20 14:31:46

No absolutely it’s perfectly reasonable in my book. I may have the same problem when my grown up GC find out my plans. I’m invited to my daughters and she understands my thoughts about it and left it up to me we just haven’t told any of the younger family members yet. All you can do is try and explain your reasoning and hope they understand.

Daisychain Sat 05-Dec-20 14:37:39

exactly I tried to explain, but was met with, I was being difficult. which didn't make me feel very good.
as it stands I am having to spend it with my youngest daughter.
she has a lovely family, but I did fantasied spending Christmas on my own.

Septimia Sat 05-Dec-20 14:47:38

Not unreasonable, but I expect your family find it hard to understand. I don't. My neighbour is planning to spend Christmas alone. I'm sure her family - who live a distance away - will phone her, as will we.

We're staying home alone, just the 2 of us, and our family - who also live several hours away - are doing the same.

We all feel that it's appropriate this year to avoid potentially trundling the virus around the country.

cornishpatsy Sat 05-Dec-20 15:36:33

It does annoy me when people think we all want to do the same as them and if we dont we are lying for some reason.

I would speak to them again, telling them you are looking forward to doing exactly what you want to do for once, explaining your menu and plans finishing with I will visit Christmas eve or boxing day instead.

FannyCornforth Sat 05-Dec-20 15:37:21

I really feel for you Daisychain.
You should be able to spend Christmas as you wish. It amazes me just how many people do things because they feel that they ought to.
Do you feel this way because of the current climate regarding the virus, or would you have wanted to spend Christmas alone under normal circumstances?
I hope that you manage to sort this out.

V3ra Sat 05-Dec-20 19:05:25

We're very much of the opinion that even though Christmas get-togethers might be allowed, they're not compulsory.

We're planning to see our two sons, our daughter, her partner and our granddaughter for a Christmas morning picnic brunch: bacon rolls, sausage baps, mince pies, mulled wine and coffee.
No going indoors and minimal mixing.
Our daughter is asthmatic and also pregnant so we feel more comfortable with this arrangement.

Daisychain I hope you can agree a plan that you're happy with.

Hetty58 Sat 05-Dec-20 19:34:31

Daisychain, you have made a very sensible and valid choice (as have many of us). Stick to your guns and tell them that you'd feel very uncomfortable and vulnerable mixing at this time.

Hetty58 Sat 05-Dec-20 19:44:03

cornishpatsy, I suggested (at first) a Christmas Eve visit, as a compromise - yet still, when I thought on, felt unhappy about that.

I've been very careful since February, so I don't want to ruin it now. I want to avoid the virus and survive!

Now, I've insisted that a family walk, in the fresh air, is the only way we'll be meeting up.

I've told my daughter that she's being unreasonable, and selfish, in expecting me to visit (and risk my life).

Daisychain, if you (and others) don't want to face the confrontations and arguments, you could arrange to 'feel rather unwell', perhaps with a tummy upset, on the day.

kircubbin2000 Sat 05-Dec-20 19:54:43

I hope to spend it alone. We have been told that the 3 households can be a bubble but we would be 4 and one of my sons is mixing with his in laws which adds contact with 2 more households . Not only would that break the rules but it adds too many people who have been mixing all over the place!

Daisychain Sat 05-Dec-20 21:09:44

thank you all.
I am hoping that the weather will do it for me, as I have to cross over on a ferry, and winds over 55 the ferry doesn't normally sale. I like company and people around me,
OH the luxury of doing what you want when you want.

Hetty58 Sat 05-Dec-20 21:21:39

Daisychain, I like company too, but it's just one Christmas out of my life, so I'd rather make plans for summer meetups.

My daughter's friend had Covid and lost her unborn baby. At the hospital, she was told it's happened to six other expectant mums there. It's so upsetting.

Of course, pregnant and breastfeeding mums can't have the vaccine. We all have a responsibility to avoid spreading this virus.

welbeck Sat 05-Dec-20 21:39:56

Daiseychain, just. say. no.
if you can't do what you like at your time of life, when can you.
i bet you spent their early years always putting them first. well it's your turn now. so put yourself first.
do what you want. because you want to. no further explanation needed. don't try to persuade or get their agreement. you can disagree without being disagreeable, if you see what i mean. hold fast.
many of us will be on here xmas day; we can all wave to each other, in splendid isolation.

V3ra Sun 06-Dec-20 00:04:38

My daughter's friend had Covid and lost her unborn baby. At the hospital, she was told it's happened to six other expectant mums there. It's so upsetting.
Those poor babies and their families. Heartbreaking.

Theoddbird Sun 06-Dec-20 10:11:13

I put my thought down a few years ago re Christmas on my own. I planned my whole day. It was wonderful. Far better than being out on the road and not being able to have a glass of wine with my meal. I did it last year as well. Do as you want and not what they want. Hope you have a lovely day.

Mapleleaf Sun 06-Dec-20 10:15:22

Daisychain do what you want to do and not what others think you should do, especially during this Covid crisis. 💐

PollyDolly Sun 06-Dec-20 10:19:27

Mapleleaf

Daisychain do what you want to do and not what others think you should do, especially during this Covid crisis. 💐

Do your family rely on you for cooking, washup or childminding duties when you visit? If so, maybe that's why they are being so insistent which is rather selfish of them to be honest!

Shandy57 Sun 06-Dec-20 10:25:20

My daughter is in Belfast, so I definitely won't be seeing her, my son is an hour's drive away. I have told him I don't want to see him until we are vaccinated.

He's lived with his girlfriend for eight years now. I assumed he was in her family's bubble and could go there, but he's said he's going to be at home alone too as her Dad is vulnerable. I just don't want to bother with Christmas this year and if he turns up unexpectedly will suddenly have to pull it out of the bag, I'm too tired. What a year.

grannygranby Sun 06-Dec-20 10:28:28

Much heartened by the strength and will of so many. Xxx I remember when I was a daughter who hosted her mum every year I thought I was a bit of a martyr until she started saying she’d rather stay at home. I was devastated because when it came down to it it wasn’t Christmas without my mum.
I don’t think I am that important, I think my children would love me to embrace Christmas solitude! smile I think I will see my bubble daughter and husband, but threesomes aren’t brilliant ....I will miss the gathering, and my son and grandchildren ....but I think we might go to the seaside with the dogs... healthy and fun good luck all however you do it.

Kupari45 Sun 06-Dec-20 10:32:42

Daisychain , you must do what you want to do on Christmas day. The first Christmas after OH died I went to family for the day. Second Christmas I told my daughter I was going to spend the day with Best Friend and told my Best Friend I would be with Daughter. Simples!
I just enjoyed a long walk in the afternoon, had lots of nice things from M&S to eat and watched TV all evening. I wasnt miserable, I just felt I didnt want to endure a whole day of noise and merriment , when all I wanted was a day of peace on my own, and to remember happy memories of my husband.
Boxing day I went over to say hello and see the kids presents. No problem. However you could also use the Covid restrictions as an excuse this year.

Nicksmrs46 Sun 06-Dec-20 10:34:54

We’re staying home this Christmas, just the two of us .
Our two daughters and our adult grandchildren don’t want us to be on our own but we’ve said better to be apart this year and still be around to enjoy next year . It is our choice and I know there will be upset family to contend with but I’ve been shielding since March because I’m classed as clinically vulnerable due to age (74) and health problems... We are sure we’re doing the right thing but it’s hard when family don’t want to accept that we’re not being awkward just careful ...

faringdon59 Sun 06-Dec-20 10:35:11

Yes, the having Christmas alone upsets lots of people. I think it's either because most people have a fear/dread of being alone on this day and they project those fears on to you.
Also because we are all raised with the idea of family get together's and this is emphasized daily by advertising.
The same type of thinking also applies to people who holiday alone.
Last year I had a last minute holiday in Madeira as a solo traveler.
Waiting at the airport to fly home I got chatting to a lady who was also on her own.
I asked if you she had enjoyed her trip, to which she said it had been ruined by relatives!
In her early seventies she had treated herself to this holiday, was very proud of herself for going it alone.
However, the day after she arrived her brother and SIL appeared as they had secretly booked into the same hotel, so that she wouldn't be ON HER OWN!!!
Sound like controlling behavior to me.

highlanddreams Sun 06-Dec-20 10:38:47

Daisychain please just say no, you should be able to do what you want the upheaval of travel would be enough for me even without the expected bad weather. Who wants to go out in the cold when they can stay at home? Your family needs to understand you're not lonely, you just need some alone time. When my first marriage broke up many years ago I spent my first Christmas alone and loved it. Everyone though I was mad & I got lots of invitations to spend Christmas with friends & family, but for me it was a treat to have some peace and quiet, I got plan my own day. I ate when and what I wanted, watched the tv I wanted to see, did some reading it was heaven! I tried to do the same the following year but was nagged into spending it with my parents, it was ok but I honestly preferred to be on my own & not have to go out in the cold so the year after that I said I was going to a friends house for the day (someone they didn't know so couldn't check up)

Jaan12 Sun 06-Dec-20 10:38:49

I was always in the habit of going away for Christmas but not this year and am quite comfortable with staying at home with all my hobbies to keep me busy.

Nannan2 Sun 06-Dec-20 10:39:03

Just say NO! And then dont turn up..or if you feel you cant stand up to them- ring on xmas eve or early xmas day- coughing &spluttering & say you 'must be coming down with something-so you'd best stay home'.Job done!