Gransnet forums


wanting to spend Christmas on my own

(93 Posts)
Daisychain Sat 05-Dec-20 14:26:59

I have a lovely family, but they won't hear of me spending
Xmas on my own.
I was looking forward to it, and even planned out my menus
But no they think this is outrageous
I am probably wrong but I feel I am being bullied.
is it reasonable to feel like this?

Summerlove Sun 06-Dec-20 18:05:00


exactly I tried to explain, but was met with, I was being difficult. which didn't make me feel very good.
as it stands I am having to spend it with my youngest daughter.
she has a lovely family, but I did fantasied spending Christmas on my own.

Oh please cancel.

Tell your daughter you are an adult and make your own choices!

Summerlove Sun 06-Dec-20 18:15:25


Its' your decision of course, but I would try to see it from your family's viewpoint. If you're part of a three family grouping you're only going against your own inner critic and not a 'Boris rule'. And I don't know how old you are but if you're of an age where your adult children think this may possibly your last one (heaven forbid) I know what will be running through their minds. So for me it would be no stamping of feet and crying out NO, but rather some kind of compromise to be agreed by you all. Actually, you are very lucky to have this problem; there are lots of people, especially older ones who are going to be totally alone at Christmas and are dreading it.

But it’s not a compromise situation
OP wants to stay home and not travel
DD wants her to visit and travel.

Women are so often told that they must make everyone around them happy.

It’s ok to do what you want sometimes.

TrendyNannie6 Sun 06-Dec-20 18:29:40

Daisychain, I agree with totally with summerloves post, you are an adult you can make your own choices, you do what you feel is right for you! Have a wonderful Christmas

freyja Sun 06-Dec-20 18:55:27

Thank you Geekesse for you opinion.
I agree that my dislike for my XSIL for treating my DD and her son so badly will never be forgiven. It is because of my DD's wishes to keep the relationship between father and son going that we, 'the whole family' including my new SIL have accommodated the pick and drop arrangement for the sake of my GS. However, with the situation as it is, I think our health must take priority. I just do not want to be part of it anymore, enough is enough. Is that just too much to ask?

My GS is old enough now to make his own arrangements. Has for having a good relationship with his father, then that is debatable. Sorry if you think this is interfering but I have spent the last 15 years holding my tongue being supportive and still he dictates, without as much as a penny towards supporting his son.

Therefore all we want for Christmas is peace of mind, and if this means being left alone and not getting involved in other people's mess then so be it.

Greeneyedgirl Sun 06-Dec-20 19:43:03

Summerlove ???

kathsue Sun 06-Dec-20 19:51:29

On the phone yesterday my sister told me that I should ' make the effort' to put up a christmas tree and she was shocked that we aren't doing any special for Christmas Day. I was quite upset afterwards. She made me feel like I was doing something wrong.

DGS and I live together, just the 2 of us, and Christmas is a time of sad memories.

We usually go away somewhere during the school holidays so we have something to look forward to, but this year it's not possible.

We just want a normal day and not to have to pretend to be jolly and festive. I wish people would be more sensitive to others feelings and not expect everyone to make a big thing out of Christmas.

I'll just be taking flowers to the cemetery and looking forward to January.

Witzend Sun 06-Dec-20 20:12:23

I’d tell them that if they, who are that much younger, find their son exhausting, can they please try to imagine how much more exhausting he is for someone nearing 70?
I do think people so often fail to realise what a difference 20 or 30years can make.

Witzend Sun 06-Dec-20 20:13:14

Oops, sorry, wrong thread - mods please delete!

freyja Sun 06-Dec-20 21:31:19

Kathsue I am very sorry for your loss and totally agree with you wishing people are more sensitive about Christmas.

It was 2 years in October that my brother passed away, this year on that anniversary 2 more brother s died, both within hours of each other, on the same day. It is very hard for me to get into the spirit of the season especially as we will not be seeing any family members. Like you we have been told to make an effort and have been battling with my dd about seeing the GC. At the moment in time we want and need to be left alone.
We will reconnect with the family in January, help sort out their problems and enjoy their joys but for now we need peace and quiet. I hope you do too and wish you well.

Naninka Sun 06-Dec-20 22:04:30

Just me and DH this year. I teach in a secondary school; my daughter's a nurse; my son works in food distribution. They are spending Christmas with their respective in-laws. My stepchildren likewise. We are happy knowing that they are happy.... and looking forward to our PCP (Post Covid Party).
I think it'll be quite nice not feeding the five thousand this year! I will have a good old rest for a change! :-) Maybe DH will pamper me...?!?

ginny Sun 06-Dec-20 23:10:15

I have a slightly different problem. After talking at length to our 3 DDs and their families we will not be seeing any of them over Christmas other than maybe being able to arrange a walk.

The reason is that with 2 of the family in schools, one at college another who is due to be in hospital for a few days just before Christmas one who has to travel to London once or twice a week etc. Add to that a MIL of 88 who would have to be left on her own of any of them were here,as she is vunerable

My head understands all the reasoning but my heart is struggling. I know some people are glad of the excuse not to have a house full but I love it.

So, a quiet Christmas with DH and MIL ( whoI’m sorry to say) I find difficult at the best of times. She is a very formal lady , so pulling on the jimjams and relaxing is not really on the cards plus DH will be picking her up and taking her home , so a couple of hours out of the day travelling.

Whoopydo !

Sorry for the waffle, I’m feeling sorry for myself. I’ll give myself a talking to.

Saetana Mon 07-Dec-20 01:21:31

I have no idea why mature adult women and men should feel pressurised to spend it with their family when they do not want to (for whatever reasons) - covid or no covid! Just say NO - I am lucky in that my parents and sister/husband plus mother in law and brother in law/family all prefer to spend Christmas Day alone - yes if we happen to live in the same town/city at the time we will do a Christmas Eve or Boxing Day visit (not common as we live all over England) but we largely prefer to spend Christmas with our own spouses/small families. Do not be bullied into doing something you think is unsafe, or just don't fancy - at our ages we have the right to choose who we spend Christmas with (if anyone)! This year is particularly problematic because of covid-19 - my husband is high risk and we have no intention of visiting anyone. Its just ONE Christmas for the vast majority of us.

tavimama Mon 07-Dec-20 12:40:22

My darling Mum has, for the first time ever, managed a Christmas alone. She hasn't actually left the house since February.

She won't go to Brother as he's not in her bubble. Nor Sister - as one nephew is a serving policeman, the other at school, and BiL works in the community.

My cousin lives next door and has been a Godsend helping Mum - but her husband is a plumber, so she won't go there.

I haven't been able to see her, in person, for well over a year, so we're out too.

She is utterly delighted grin!!

Alexa Mon 07-Dec-20 14:31:54

Diarrhoea is always good social excuse. They will not ask for details.

Daisychain Fri 11-Dec-20 10:25:55

Oh absolutely no, they don't depend on me for thing like that
I have a lovely family, and although I am there for support
in any crisis.
It's just sometime you like some time on your own.

Barmeyoldbat Fri 11-Dec-20 10:57:23

One year when we invited to the family Xmas dinner I told them sorry we have already been invited to friends and we have accepted. Total lie. On Christmas Day we did a phone call to the few family members and then took the phone of the hook and then enjoyed a wonderful day on our own. I would say do.

28andahalf Mon 14-Dec-20 07:44:59

hi Daisychain, most families need to compromise at Christmas and move their preferred day to celebrate because no-one can be in more than one place at the same time! I would love to know why you don't choose another day to have your Christmas on your own if your family are all available on Christmas Day? Why not do your own celebration the day before? Or the next day? You can still plan a very special me-time with your favourite menu and celebrate all on your own, like you prefer, with all your favourite trimmings! This would mean that you can have both your own special celebration as well as your family celebration. I'm sure your family treasure their time with you. I hope this works out for you.