Adult children not phoning after a major operation.

Thank you for your messages. DD has just phoned and explained that she didn't want to disturb me incase I was having a rest.
Which I have been doing. She new if I was ill DH would let her know.

Forgot to mention I'm in isolation for another 10 days so no visitors allowed.

It seems that so many parents make excuses for their adult children. Ever ready with an excuse for their thoughtless ness bad manners etc. My mother in law accepted the way her two sons ignored,forgot her etc and no one could have been a more warm loveing unselfish mother than her. She expected nothing from them and that’s what she got!You can’t make your children be any different but you are entitled to feel hurt and neglected. If I’d been in your position I’d feel exactly the same. Now focus on your self and get well and strong. You deserved better Nanawind

Thanks for the update. So pleased for you. I can understand them thinking that you would be resting. And they know your DH would look after you very well.
Take rest..look after yourself.

Hope you’re recovering well and getting plenty of healing sleep nanawind

I was on the other end of this a few years ago. No-one told me how serious a close relative's op was. Whether everyone thought someone else had told me or whether the C word wasn't mentioned, but a euphemism was, and I was too slow - no idea. Did I get the moody looks, and I had no idea why.
Then it happened again with a different close relative, who told one person but said they weren't to tell anyone else. This time I knew, but wasn't supposed to.

I think I can understand that they don't like to ring you in case they disturb you but, like you, I am surprised that they haven't sent a few texts. They could then arrange a mutually convenient time to phone you.

If they felt a text might disturb you, they could perhaps have contacted your DH.

I would not say anything in your position. So many people on Gransnet seem to fall out with their adult children.

I hope they ring you soon and that you make a good and quick recovery.

I am glad that you have managed to have a chat with your DD; I hope that has helped to put your mind and rest and that you can concentrate on your recovery.

I'm glad she phoned you and it was just they didn't want to disturb you now rest up and let your husband look after you

I remember years ago my DF was to take us on holiday as we didn't have a car. On the day he was ill and couldn't go. I was so busy arranging how we would get there, I think I forgot to ask how he was, or even ring back. That selfishness is one of my lasting regrets. Unfortunately, many AC can be unknowingly selfish, maybe because they are 'programmed' to look after their own families, careers etc. Self-awareness often comes later. You've only been home a few days, although it must seem ages to you. Lots may be happening in their lives - and they've probably 'booked' you in for a call this weekend to see how you are recovering, like your DD did. Very best wishes with your recovery.

TerriT, i know several people like your MIL. one makes endless excuses for her 2 sons, almost idolises them. they resent any of her own money being spent on her needs. they are mean, utterly selfish, but she persists in her attitude, eg they didn't bring her anything for xmas, not even a card, because they don't bother with xmas, as if that is a superior position. i guess she cannot bear to face too much reality. meanwhile other people have to try to help her. whom she hardly notices. or appreciates.

I would feel hurt if my ACs didn't contact me in your situation. |As it has happened though, I wonder if you can focus on what you want to do about it (if anything) rather than allowing the hurt to "fester".

Maybe text them and say that you are feeling a bit better now and would really love to see them/have a chat?

for you Nana and I'm pleased to read your update
Take care, hope that your recovery goes well.

nanawind I probably wouldn’t contact someone so soon after a major operation but these aren’t anybody they are your adult children that haven’t bothered to get in touch.
Thoughtless at best! I would definitely be upset.
I hope you make a good recovery and get well soon. Also I hope all the good wishes from posters on here help you to feel a little better.

nanawind missed your update glad to hear your daughter has got in touch.

Nanawind ? Take care

Nanawind, I'd feel the same as you.

Your adult children obviously are unaware you could have died, and how bereaved and sad they would have felt.
Adults can be disconcertingly ignorant, and that is because they are what they are and will learn as they progress through life.
It does not mean they don't love you. I am sure they love you.

Not to worry Nanawind some adult children are like yours, it’s not that they don’t care, in fact they usually care a lot, but they don’t demonstrate it as much as others. I know as mine are like that. Anyway best wishes for a speedy recovery.

Adult children are people you used to know. I’m sorry your children have behaved like this. Perhaps your DH should have a word with them?

I hope you have a speedy recovery Nanawind. You have certainly been through a challenging time.

I, too, would be feeling angry and upset at the seeming lack of concern in your situation, but maybe they are leaving it until you've been home a couple of days. Life is so stressful for everyone right now.

I do hope they get in touch with you today. for you and warm wishes. x

First job: Ask your DH to get in touch with them and tell them to give you a quick call or send a text. That way your mind will be at rest (you MUST rest)
Second job: All is well and your family are probably really worried about you, not just now but for the future too. I noticed my DSs retreat when I had a big op. as they were paralysed with fear
Third job: Relax, you are getting through this and need to be nurtured by your bed, your home and your DH now
Warm cosy wishes, get well soon

I totally understand what you’re feeling... it’s quite amazing how many (not all!) of our adult children seem to have so much going on that they lose site of the ‘important things/people’ in life. You’re not being unreasonable... it’s very hurtful. I think you’d be best to send a text just saying that you’re recovering from the op (or something similar ) to get the ball rolling again! But yes, I absolutely ‘get it’! Wishing you well... ?

You have every right to feel upset. Not ringing to check how you are after a major operation is inexcusable I’m afraid. Just a quick call to your DH to ask how you are is all it would take. Teenagers can be thoughtless but older AC have no excuse. Get well soon and try not to dwell on it.

My only kind thought is that they are finding your illness very difficult to handle and don't know how to talk to you about it. However that's not an excuse not to call to make sure that you are okay .

Really sorry to hear this. I too am a cancer patient (surgery and chemo currently) my adult daughter has shown no interest or care. Not even a card. So selfish. My son has and all sorts of lovely people have sent cards, flowers, food and gifts.