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AIBU

Adult children not phoning after a major operation.

(97 Posts)
Nanawind Sat 30-Jan-21 12:45:47

On Tuesday for the second time within a few weeks I had a major operation. (Cancer).
I contacted them both to say I'm home on Wednesday. Since then I haven't heard from either of them.
Brothers and friends have rung.
I know my DH is taking care of me. Am I being silly, I am depressed so maybe I'm over thinking.

Baggs Sat 30-Jan-21 12:52:16

I've never had a major operation but I can imagine you are feeling pretty fragile after two within the space of a few weeks, nanawind. It's not silly of you to wish your kids would get in touch. I hope they do this weekend and that you begin to feel a little better very soon flowers flowers

Namsnanny Sat 30-Jan-21 12:56:08

First of all, I glad you are on the right side of your operation

No I would feel quite the same in your position I think.

It's hard, but you need your energy to get well again. Try to focus on yourself and husband. He will need some emotional if not physical support too.
For both your sakes try to put your angst at your children on the back burner for now.

Good health and good luck smile

Peasblossom Sat 30-Jan-21 12:57:53

Did you text them and did they reply? If so, they probably thought that was enough for the moment and will ring at the weekend.

Just a difference in expectation. I’m sure they don’t mean to upset you in any way.💐

midgey Sat 30-Jan-21 13:00:25

Perhaps they feel they are giving you space and peace so that you may recover. flowers to wish you a speedy recovery.

paddyanne Sat 30-Jan-21 13:02:57

When my MIL was in hospital last month we were told not to call ,that they would call us if there was anything we needed to know.Maybe your children are working on the same rule.A ringing phone is enough to drive you mad if you feel under the weather so they may just be giving you space .

NellG Sat 30-Jan-21 13:03:40

I hope your operation went well and that you're making a good recovery. Cancer is a tough one, my very best wishes to you.

I don't think you're being silly, you're ill, feeling vulnerable and worried and it's logical to want you family around you. In times of need it's instinctive to gather resources. So no, not overthinking, just having a feeling which is natural and normal.

But adult children, they do seem to see things differently. It doesn't mean that they don't love and care about you. It could be that they know you are being cared for, but as they can't visit at the moment due to Covid ( I'm making the assumption you're under some restrictions wherever you are), that there is no point. They know what's happening, and will leave it up to you to make contact again. It can feel horribly selfish of them. It may be, it may not be - sometimes it's just that they don't see life, support and family like we do. With mine, it also seemed to be that they thought I ought to just 'know' or I'm some kind of mind reader!

Do as much as you can to focus on yourself and getting well, and lean on your husband and friends who 'speak the same language'. Deal with the offspring when you're feeling up to it. Best wishes.

crazyH Sat 30-Jan-21 13:03:42

Nanawind, I hope you are feeling better and that your DH is spoiling you. I’m sure your children will ring this weekend.
flowers

cornishpatsy Sat 30-Jan-21 13:06:41

I would not phone after a major op incase the person was resting. I would text though to say phone when you are ready.

Text or phone them, if left too long you may become resentful.

Wishing you well in your recovery.

Marydoll Sat 30-Jan-21 13:13:19

Nanawind, I'm so sorry to read of your situation, what a time of it you have had. I'm glad to hear your husband is taking care of you.

cornishpatsy, this is the OP's children, of course she should be upset, they haven't contacted her or her husband for news.

When I was in hospital a few weeks ago, my children were on the phone to DH all the time , asking what they could do to help.

Wishing you all the best, Nanawind.

Marydoll Sat 30-Jan-21 13:17:48

Sorry, that came across as quite snappy, it wasn't intended to be. blush
Family dynamics are all different.

BlueBelle Sat 30-Jan-21 13:41:00

I hope you have a speedy recovery nanawind I d be like you I d be mortified if my kids didn’t ring after a major op and I think you have every right to feel hurt
If my own mum had been on the operating table I d be ringing at least once a day to see she was ok or what I could for her

Kim19 Sat 30-Jan-21 13:47:20

Think I would be quite sad if they knew and didn't respond but I'm guilty of sometimes not divulging the bad stuff to them.

Katyj Sat 30-Jan-21 13:52:58

Sorry that your feeling so down Nanwind illness can make you feel depressed , just what you don’t need after a big op. Have your children contacted your husband ? And he’s forgotten to say.
If not I’m sure they’ll be in touch very soon,i would be hurt too. Hope you feel better soon .

EllanVannin Sat 30-Jan-21 13:55:31

It all depends whether you know the AC enough to know that they'll phone or not. Is a call expected ? Have they rang in the past to ask after you ?

The reason I ask is that my family don't multi-task, in other words they can only deal with one thing at a time but it's not to say that they don't care---it's just the way they are, they don't think.

Beauregard Sat 30-Jan-21 13:55:44

Nanawind we had a similar situation two weeks ago when my DH had surgery. I must stress that his surgery was minor in comparison to yours but he was in a great deal of pain and discomfort in the days that followed.

It took my daughter 10 days to phone and even then it wasn't to ask how my DH was after his surgery, but just as a general "I'm checking in" kind of call. It was very hurtful. I wanted to say something to her, but didn't in the end to keep the peace. My son, on the other hand, phoned shortly after DH arrived home from hospital and had a chat with him.

I totally understand how you feel and hope you're making a good recovery flowers

Auntieflo Sat 30-Jan-21 14:09:59

Nanawind, sending best wishes for a full recovery after your recent two ops.
Children are all so different. We have three, and two are great talkers, the eldest is very different, and we only hear from him infrequently, but that is not to say he doesn't care.
I hope you hear soon from your children, but as Paddyanne said, the phone constantly ringing can be tiring.

YorkLady Sat 30-Jan-21 14:38:51

OH had a cancer operation last summer. As soon as he was home we had callers requesting update. Mobile phones make it easier to answer, in my opinion.
nanawind could your OH call them for a chat to update them on your condition and then subtly say that a call from them would make you feel even better!
Now you have written this, they’ve probably both been in touch!
Get well soon, sending you hugs.

Hithere Sat 30-Jan-21 14:54:32

I am so glad it was successful. #cancersucks

How is your relationship with them before the operation?

welbeck Sat 30-Jan-21 14:56:48

echo Namsnanny, Marydoll, Bluebelle, Beauregard.
hope you are feeling better OP, glad you've got your husband stepping up. strength to him too. and hugs.

Callistemon Sat 30-Jan-21 15:02:22

Do you have a family WhatsApp group - could your DH update them all at the same time instead of individual phone calls? You could read all the messages and perhaps respond if you felt up to it.

I wish you all the best for a good recovery flowers

TrendyNannie6 Sat 30-Jan-21 15:08:10

Wishing you well after your op nanawind, yes I’d probably feel the same as you a bit hurt, but maybe they will ring this weekend, I’m really hoping they do

sodapop Sat 30-Jan-21 15:21:10

Sorry you are having such a difficult time Nanawind I hope you are on the road to recovery now with lots of TLC from your husband. thanks

I think your children have been very remiss in not phoning you, you need their support at the moment. Adult children can be so thoughtless. Hope you get some calls over the weekend.

lemongrove Sat 30-Jan-21 15:42:49

It all depends what’s going on in your AC’s lives, they could be going through a stressful time, a lot of people are at the moment.How thoughtful were we when young (ish) I wonder.
They may know he is home but forgot the day and will ring on Sunday.If they are working all week that may be the better day for a chat.
Without knowing your family ‘dynamics’ it’s hard to speculate. Hope your DH makes a good recovery.

Chewbacca Sat 30-Jan-21 15:56:25

Yes, I'd be feeling upset and angry if my AC hadn't contacted me after such an important operation. If they were afraid of intruding, a text message, a card or a bunch of flowers left on the doorstep would have let you know that they were thinking of you and they hadn't forgotten.