DH daughter has announced her pregnancy

How long have you and your husband been together farmersdaughter?
How old were your children when you married; Children or adults?
Did he raise your daughter? This is crucial.
My dad has an adult 'step daughter' but he, quite rightly in my book, doesn't see her as a daughter, and he doesn't see her children as his grandchildren. She certainly doesn't see my dad as her dad!
However, if he and he wife and bought us 'girls' up together, it would be a totally different kettle of fish.

Sounds as though he’s in charge of the money too ... ‘what I say goes’. I wouldn’t like that. A bit bullying telling you to ‘butt out’ when you challenged him Farmersdaughter. No wonder you feel upset & that’s before the new baby arrives so be prepared for more of the same ... unless you say something. Remember though blood is thicker than water so tread carefully.

Ì also agreed with ilovecheese and think that when he said "at last a grandchild I'm thrilled", he meant thrilled for her that she was pregnant. I would feel exactly like this if one of my daughters were to be pregnant. It would not mean that I don't love my existing grandchildren from other daughters!

Then when you came back, farmersdaughter, and said the daughters are already treated differently I feel less certain.

It maybe could have been put differently but it's clear that he is truly delighted that his daughter has taken this step into motherhood as he knows the joys it will bring. If you love him, try to be happy for him and not jealous for your "side" of the family.

I feel the cash issue is one thing (and equity is a difficulty that may need managing when two or more families become combined) but he won't just switch off the love for "your" grandchildren because he is now expecting "his".

He is however already displaying flagrant favouritism. Check out full nursery set plus pram versus a Moses basket? This behaviour will continue. He says what goes money wise. I’d have to have my own account to buy my daughter the same as what he wants to buy his daughter. Trouble ahead I fear.

In fact I bet you felt awful passing over that Moses basket Farmersdaughter when you really wanted to buy a pram. That for me would have been a red flag and very upsetting.

I have no step children or step grandchildren, so no actual personal knowledge, but I honestly feel that if I had, I would not view them in the same light as my own children/grandchildren. If that makes me sound selfish or not very nice, that is honestly how I feel.

Your husband sounds thrilled to be having a grandchild of his own which is very natural.

The wedding and baby spending sounds one sided, I agree, but not sure of the background ins and outs.

I think to not put too fine a point in it, you sound put out about the new baby as you were happy to just have grandchildren by your own daughter, didn’t need any by the SD, which again is a very understandable feeling.

You say your GC adore your DH, but don’t mention how he feels about them, unless I have missed that.

His delight at his daughter becoming pregnant is natural.
His clear favouring of his child over yours is unacceptable. This needs to be worked through together.

His clear favouring of his child over yours is unacceptable, but I think entirely natural. I also hope they can work something out between them,

Oh dear, I know a lady who said those words ( at last, my first Grandchild) in front of her DHs son, DIL and 2 grandchildren, they were all very upset, especially the DIL who still hasn’t forgiven her.
Needless to say ‘her’ grandchildren come to stay far more than ‘his’ grandchildren ever did, thankfully the step siblings all get on very well so that hasn't changed.
But you are right she was always jealous of her DHs children, even though she rarely saw them and I think she saw the new grandchild as a chance to ‘level up’with his ex.

The comment might be understandable. But the "pronouncements" about jointly earned money are not!! How can it be that he decides how your joint money is spent? If that is tge case then THAT is the real issue, in my view

It's a minefield isn't it with blended families. I'm very fond of my stepchildren and their children but I love my own children and their families. It's maybe different if you meet and marry when the children are grown up as I did.
I think your husband was so pleased at the news farmersdaughter he didn't consider his words, understandable. I don't know how you sort out your finances but you should have some discussion about how much you help each of your adult children. It will be difficult with present buying for the grandchildren if you don't get some sort of agreement now.
I'm in charge of finances in our house ( don't ask) so I am even handed at Christmas and birthdays.

I’m sorry but I don’t think he’s a good man at all, or that you have a good relationship. The wedding debacle would have been the end for me, who does he think he is spending shared money on his daughter.
Didn’t you have a say ? Awful favouritism, what must your daughter have thought.The least he could have done is make up the difference to your daughter, maybe with a holiday etc.
Your going to have to sit down with him and try and iron this out, I’ve a feeling he’s going to spending lots on his new grandchild. Trouble ahead.

I definitely think this is a good time to discuss finances.
Of course he is thrilled to have a direct bloodline grandchild, but there should not be favouritism.
DH and I each have two children. I have four grandchildren, he has one, and there won’t be any more. Fortunately we have always kept our finances separate, after covering household expenses, so there has never been any issue about spending. But in your case, there has been blatant unfairness which will only get worse now if you don’t make a stand. Hard to choose the right words, I know.

I agree with M0nica.

Why do OPs only ever tell half the story? You respond to that, then they post extra information, not litttle things that might be helpful, but the other half of the story that often completely turns upside down the tale the OP originally told.

I can understand his thinking and it's not that uncommon - you may think the same if you have grandchildren by your son and your DiL was the one to give birth, against your daughter having children too!
Don't think anything of it. He may well love your grandchildren and their parents. But some people only feel that GC are actually"theirs" if the parents are their own AC.
Stop and think - if it was the other way round, your own DD being pregnant against his, wouldn't a part of you be thinking the same ?

hmm! sorry you feel hurt... finances. can be a minefield

My dh, (now dead) took me as his wife, and my two year old son as his own, ie.. he loved our first son! then we adopted him, well I had to adopt him also! strange that...
then we had another son, my dh being his biological father.
never faulted my dh,, he treated them both equally, his sons, in every way..

I was always appreciative that my dh was like this, now makes me realise that he truly was a wonderful person.

eldest ds and I , and our 4 gks, talk of how my dh, his dad, was not his biological father,, and I do believe that helps for there to be no issues..

I do hope you can get this sorted, and the finances,, phew!
praying and hoping it all goes well.

I have several of both - step and biological grandchildren ranging from 12 to 32 and I have a different relationship with all of them. I was very involved in the older ones (step) lives when they were young so feel very close to them but my youngest (biological) are special - I can see their father in them - it is different, but I am very careful to try and treat them all the same. I can understand where your husband is coming from but I'm sure it was just an unthinking remark. Men in particular seem to feel a need to see their bloodlines continue.

I love my stepchildren like my own as does my husband - all of our grandchildren are precious but however loving you are you can’t help but be excited when it’s your own flesh and blood having a child. It doesn’t mean you love the others less. Let it go otherwise it will eat you up. It’s another grandchild for you to enjoy too - precious times.

Farmersdaughter, for the sake of your own health, please stop now! If you want something to dwell on, think about how you would be feeling now if you were the step-grandma and suddenly you discover that your own daughter is expecting a baby and you are about to become a full-blooded grandma. You would be ecstatic! Take every day as it comes and stop creating unnecessary problems for yourself. Be happy for all of you, you don't know how lucky you are!!!

Never mind the family issue, how did the couple ' just walk in'. Isn't there a lockdown where you live?

I have a very dear friend, herself an adopted child, who brought up two little boys from her husband's first marriage and has grandchildren through them.

When their only daughter together ( her only child ) gave birth to a baby boy, my friend held this little one in her arms and realised this was her first truly blood relative. Knowing her she wouldn't have said that in so many words, and not at that time, but it was an overwhelming emotion that she has shared with me.

Just another thought to add to the mix - not a solution, sorry!

Farmersdaughter
are you jealous of the relationship between your husband and his daughter?

Did things end on good terms with his daughters mother, before he married you ?
Perhaps he's feeling guilty if he left when his daughter was younger and he's trying in his own way to make it up to her.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.