Diabetes and help from partner

As a recovering alcoholic I haven’t always found it easy to resist alcohol but now I have no problem with having it in the house or sitting with others who are drinking alcohol - it’s a mental attitude and takes practice -
One thing I do is think through the consequences of my actions and that’s enough to stop me. I’m not expecting those around me to restrict themselves just because I have to, and I’m happy to buy alcohol if we’re hosting friends and family
How do you cope when you’re out shopping or in a restaurant?
If he offers you a treat just say ‘no’ and I’d just say I’m not interested or ask him why if he wants to show you his treat stash
If you ask for it to be hidden away then you’re not really facing up to your condition and maybe that’s the problem- though it does sound as if he’s enormously tactless -

Seems your DH needs educated about diabetes. Does your GP practice have nurse dealing with diabetic who could perhaps have a chat with him regarding the dos and donts for diabetics. Someone impartial highlighting how difficult it can be to resist all the treats he is bringing home and the effect it has on health may help.

Just another angle on this. How old is your husband? Is his behaviour or memory ok in other areas? Whilst I agree with what others have said, I wonder if he is so set in his ways that he finds it hard to learn new behaviours? Both my parents had dementia, diagnosed in their late 70's, but when I look back I recognise how their behaviour changed from much earlier on and how set in their ways they were. I don't want to frighten you with this. I know a lot of people who are like this. The only advice I can give is to keep reminding him , put messages on the fridge and cupboards and kep repeating it until it sinks in!

I am going to go against the grain here.
I am not diabetic but am on a controlled diet plan at the moment where I cannot eat anything other than the approved food. I will be this way for quite some time. I would never expect my husband to stop eating the things that give him pleasure or to hide his food from me.
Where is he supposed to hide this food? In a cupboard? In the back shed? And why should he? Is it not his home as well? Just because one person is ill and needs special foods does not mean the other has to give up things or sneak around eating them.

I have been diabetic for many years and certainly don’t expect my husband or other family members to restrict the amount of sugary treats they eat just because I have to.
I agree with Sheena about thinking of the consequences of actions.A good blood sugar reading starts my day off well so I do everything I can to keep my sugars in the normal range.I have treats but after so many years know what is an acceptable treat.
Saying that it is frustrating that people don’t take diabetes seriously.The number of people who have said to me you’re not overweight so how come you’re diabetic?‍♀️it’s not always about weight.I had to finish work earlier than I wanted to as it was so hard to control my diabetes while working.
I tend to buy and make biscuits and cakes for the family that I won’t be tempted by.I would also recommend the book carbs and cals, it is so useful and may shock your husband to see how much sugar is in some of the treats he has.
Even after all these years I find diabetes tough.You think about every morsel you eat as to whether it will adversely affect blood sugars.

I’m lucky to have a (slim, fit, sporty) husband who really supports me and tries hard to keep me on the straight and narrow with encouragement—- I have MS and Type 2 diabetes, it’s really hard working out what I can eat to try and avoid problems. Especially when baking is something I love (lockdown boredom, hello!?!) Very dark chocolate - great, one square does the trick, but I long for crumpets, cake, freshly baked bread —— 20 years of diabetes’s and NOT finding it any easier!

SheenaF

As a recovering alcoholic I haven’t always found it easy to resist alcohol but now I have no problem with having it in the house or sitting with others who are drinking alcohol - it’s a mental attitude and takes practice -
One thing I do is think through the consequences of my actions and that’s enough to stop me. I’m not expecting those around me to restrict themselves just because I have to, and I’m happy to buy alcohol if we’re hosting friends and family
How do you cope when you’re out shopping or in a restaurant?
If he offers you a treat just say ‘no’ and I’d just say I’m not interested or ask him why if he wants to show you his treat stash
If you ask for it to be hidden away then you’re not really facing up to your condition and maybe that’s the problem- though it does sound as if he’s enormously tactless -

I am an alcoholic in recovery as well SheenaF and totally agree with everything you have said... without alcohol I am fine whenever I took alcohol it was a key to unlock the mad woman in the attic ...?‍♀️ Very happy to keep her locked away one day at a time...

I agree with you Sunflower2 that sugar is as addictive as alcohol and cigarettes and if you were trying to give up either of these two it would be cruel to flaunt them in your face.
If it was me, I’d be fed up of asking him to hide things from me by now and as it is causing bad feelings between you, I’d take it into my own hands.
The minute he brought anything sugar laden home, I would stick all of it in a bag and shove in fridge or freezer and keep on doing it until he gets the message..... or not.
And when he next tries to ‘treat’ you with something that is literally poison to you, tell him no thanks, I can’t eat that but you can buy me a bag of Almonds or pistachio, or whatever else you like yourself.
Grrrr! Men can be so annoying!!!

Well done for coping so well with such a complex condition. I'm really inclined to think it is a "head in the sand" thing, but also insensitive and misguided. Health problems that don't look obvious can get unfair disregard.
A friend of mine is struggling with fibromyalgia and extensive osteoarthritis and sometimes the comments can be as emotionally hurtful as the physical conditions. Thoughtfulness in a partner can take training, but maybe getting a conversation with someone else that gets overheard, "accidentally on purpose" can be a useful tactic. Best of luck.

Knopflerfan, I agree with you.Nearly twenty years for me and I don’t find it any easier to deal with.

I think you have plenty of willpower, otherwise your husband's head would be jammed in the freezer with his lemon pie.
Looking at this from a different angle, is he sure he isn't pre diabetic or has any other health issues hiding that are fuelled by sugar and fats?
My FIL ate treacle sandwiches, amongst other rubbish, and died of ischemic heart disease. Didn't look overweight. Perhaps some nice leaflets on all the ailments caused by his little treats stuck to the cupboard
I admire you for battling on with your restricted diet and your stupid husband.

Some of the comments here seem a bit extreme. My DH and I eat the same meals, but I always have less bread or potatoes or rice or chips You get to know the amount that works best for you. It is just a matter of will power. You know it does you no good so you don't eat it, or just a very tiny bit.

Why on earth anyone would put their husband's treats in the bin.

There are many foods 'specially for diabetics, suggest he 'treats' you with one of those.

What is important is that you are hurt. Can you sit him down and say that, whatever he thinks about it all, you want him to help you and when he doesn’t consider you it is distressing. Avoid the “what is reasonable” (folk can argue about that) and focus on what is CARING! Good luck

YANBU. Could you make an appointment with your doctor or nurse to discuss diet and the long term effects of diabetes if you don't stick to it. Then ask your husband to go with you as you're worried and 'you need his support'. A professional saying that you might lose your sight/have to have your legs amputated might shock him into being more supportive.

On a more positive note, my OH was diagnosed with Type 2 a few years ago. He's stuck pretty well to his diet (occasional glass of wine or ice lolly) and at his last assessment he was told he is no longer classed as diabetic, and to carry on doing what he's doing as it's obviously working. So there is hope!

I don't think you can make this a shared problem. The reason so many people can't give up smoking is that you have to want to do it for yourself. It was insensitive of him to call you to look at his stash and I would politely say that wasn't very kind but asking him to put them in carrier bags or hide them in the freezer is being silly.
You are going to have to walk past these things again and again in supermarkets or on the high street etc. Just be a bit grown up about it and rise above his silliness and if he calls you again to look at sweet things I would just say " oh is that all you wanted"
Good Luck

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

My husband is exactly the same, buys loads of 'treats' for himself, eats them in front of me without offering to share, occasionally throws an item my way when he's had enough. The cupboard fridge and freezer are full of goodies for him, last week he bought a bag of salad leaves for me as they had been reduced, but everything else he bought was for him, except I can eat some of the eggs! And the chicken fillets, I can choose how I cook them as long as there are no vegetables or salad on his plate. I buy my own food now, as everything he buys for us us coated in breadcrumbs, battered or coated in pastry. The chocolate, and bisquits and cakes all over the cupboards are for him only, and as I sit here on my chair there is his bisquit barrel sitting on the sofa and a bag of mixed nuts he opened yesterday sat on the coffee table.

Oh I do sympathise! Thank you to Icanhandthemback for the TED talk. I have been watching a few lately to try to help me to understand my Type 2 Diabetes and the cravings for sugar and chocolate particularly. They have been really helpful

My husband too comes back with bargain 'treats' to 'cheer me up' but they are all cakes, chocolates, puddings etc. What is it about "this could make me have a stroke or a heart attack" that people don't understand?

I have told him now that a 'treat' for me is a plant, something for the garden , a bunch of flowers, maybe a magazine or a book. There are so many other things I get a thrill from, not just the sweet kind

As for the temptation of putting things in front of you, you will just have to keep on practising being strong and saying NO, thank you. He will get the message eventually

Does he realise it will be him that (you hope) looks after you when you are ill? It will be his life that is curtailed and him that may be left on his own?

As someone else has said in the this thread it is the same as any addiction - nicotine, alcohol, drugs-in the end it is down to YOU to say NO and avert your eyes from the menacing 'treats' that could kill you

JaneA

There are many foods 'specially for diabetics, suggest he 'treats' you with one of those.

These are far from unproblematic.

I am highly Coeliac, and have been for years. Being Gluten-free is automatic now, my DH has always been extremely supportive, which is more than can be said for some so-called Friends, who manage to 'forget' that one cannot eat bread, biscs, gravy, flour etc.

The consequences are NOT NICE!!! But they think it only being 'faddy'. No it is not.

Have you tried actually telling him what would be acceptable treats in your opinion?
Maybe a nice handcream, or a bunch of flowers every week if he wants to buy you something regularly.
Lots of people can't think outside the box of what they themselves would perceive as a treat.

If he does buy you something unsuitable, say, "Well I'm sure you'll enjoy it, because I can't eat it as you very well know. Did you forget again? Because this seems to be a regular thing now, do you think you maybe have a short-term memory problem?"
Put the ball in his court and he might think twice in future!

I have steroid induced diabetes 2 for an auto immune condition (would wreck my liver without steroids) so I cannot consume alcohol either. I do not deprive myself completely of sweets, and occasionally have a breakout, (not good but I’m human). It never occurred to me to ask my partner not to drink alcohol or not to eat sweets/cakes in front of me. I read somewhere that teacakes are better than full blown gateaus etc, so maybe there are some less damaging treats you could have when your DH has his?

My son became T1 in his early twenties. He is now married to a wonderful woman who NAGS HIM INCESSANTLY if he strays. That is the way it should be.
I personally think that your husband should only indulge in such 'treats' outside of your line of sight. It is unfair and selfish of him to do otherwise.
Does he not realise the dire implications of out of control diabetes?
My grandmother (ok... it was quite a time ago, but...) lost both her legs and her sight to diabetes.
IT IS NOT to be taken lightly.
Be stern with him, if he gets cheesed off, that is his problem.

NHS Advice is that ’ Diabetic’ foodstuffs are no better that regular food - it is a marketing ploy