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AIBU

Updating will

(56 Posts)
Chookcook Wed 07-Apr-21 18:43:46

Hi, I just want to know AIBU. I don't think I am because things change over the years but I'd appreciate others views. This is a very long post I do apologise

My dh and I met in our teens and were on and off until we got into our 40s.
He was a very troubled man and very violent towards me, not the best dad to our two daughters and abused hard drugs and alcohol. I made sure my dd's did not notice this and I protected them throughout our many breakups, marriage, divorce and marriage again.

Fast forward until we were in our 40s my dd1 had a dd of her own who I doted on. DH who had been gone for a few years came back when dd was pregnant and informed me his mother had added him as a sole beneficiary to her will. We decided to stay together and got married as we'd been divorced. I did this because I thought my dd's and gd would benefit from the money in the future.

My dh and dd's just could not rub along together and in the end, because oh DH heavy drinking and aggressive behaviour both dds left our lives I was devastated not to see my gd and missed her terribly.

When dd2 came to collect her stuff there was an awful row dh said that anybody would have thought he'd sexually abused her the way she was behaving and then he said perhaps he should have done. She blew this out of all proportion as he didn't mean it like that and my friend who was there also said he didn't mean it like that.

I never saw either dd or GC again and that was 20 years ago. I kept them in my will and stayed in an unhappy relationship with a drunk waiting for the day his mother died so we could get money to help my dd's if needed.

I have s large family and when they were in contact with my dd's they would come back and give news and photos to me. I gave them gifts to hand to gd with secret letters inside she could read without her mum knowing but these started coming back and soon my dd's lost contact with all of their aunts uncles and cousins. Our family grew closer than they ever were and my gd has missed out on this.
Dd2 got married and had children and I wasn't involved. I haven't even seen my gc from her. Despite this I stayed with DH for them.

When DH mum died he died shortly after and I now have all of the money, although I've lived on most if it and now work in a lovely job that I really enjoy.

Sadly my brother and his wife died in 2019 within a few weeks of eachother and left their two dd's and 4 GC with no parents/grandparents.

I have become very close to my nieces and their children. I am closer to them than I ever was to my own dd's and I have plenty of wonderful contact with their children, I feel like their real gran.

As my two dd's have got on with their lives and won't have any contact with me would it be unreasonable to take them out of the will and put my nieces in their place.

My other siblings say it is lovely that I am now being given the opportunity to be a real gp just like them after missing out all those years. They say I shouldn't begrudge myself a little bit of happiness after all I've been through.

I put up with an awful life and an unloving marriage for my dd's but they have moved on should I move on too?

Chewbacca Wed 07-Apr-21 18:48:49

Seriously? hmm

avitorl Wed 07-Apr-21 18:53:21

Would it be possible for you to reach out to your daughters again now that your husband is out of your life?If they still want nothing to do with you I would enjoy being an substitute Grandma to your nieces children and leave your money to them in your Will. I don't think you need to tell them that you are doing so,just do it.

Ladyleftfieldlover Wed 07-Apr-21 18:59:18

I sometimes wonder if some of these posts are true! Would any woman in this day and age, and with what we know, stay with an abusive or violent partner?

Chookcook Wed 07-Apr-21 19:03:52

@ladyleftfieldlover I stayed with my DH and had a terrible life because I'd do anything for my dd's U wanted them to have a better life.

@avitor1 my dd's have resisted any contact I've made in the past when I have sent letters to them they've been ignored and I've not been allowed to give my gd her Keepsake box I made her.
They've moved on

Chookcook Wed 07-Apr-21 19:04:17

I not u sorry

Bibbity Wed 07-Apr-21 19:09:15

Are you actually that ignorant? He was a vile disgusting man and what he said made me sick. How can you even defend him?

Don’t you dare say you stayed with him for their benefit.

Do what you want with the money. But never contact them again.

geekesse Wed 07-Apr-21 19:20:39

Not convinced.

Chewbacca Wed 07-Apr-21 19:21:22

Nor me.

Chookcook Wed 07-Apr-21 19:22:12

@bibity I stayed with him because we always had no money when the dd's were growing up I thought the money from his mother's will could give them a leg up in the future. It cost me a lot to live like this but I still did it for my dd's however they're not interested.

What he said is awful if not taken into context. DH did not abuse dd in this way but believed her rejection of him would have only been necessary had he of done so. My friend also agreed he was not putting it as best he should but understands what he meant.

Bibbity Wed 07-Apr-21 19:23:57

No. You stayed because you wanted money.
It was disgusting. Full stop.

What an absolute failure of a mother to even try to defend that.

Again do whatever you want. At least they are free of you.

Smileless2012 Wed 07-Apr-21 19:55:07

Well it's very rare that I am lost for words, but I am.

It is also very rare for Bibbity and me to agree, but I agree with you Bibbity 100%.

FlexibleFriend Wed 07-Apr-21 20:01:06

Shock, horror, your daughters are not interested, are you surprised. You put the possibility of money before their happiness. Which is crap actually because you'd already been in and out of this hideous relationship for years before the will was changed. Kids are not blind and you're deluding yourself if you think they didn't know what was going on. Assuming of course there is any truth in this tale of woe.

SueDonim Wed 07-Apr-21 20:02:56

I don’t often comment on these threads but have to say, I’m with smiless on this.

Chookcook Wed 07-Apr-21 20:10:42

This is not a tale of woe I'm finally very happy and moving on which made me think I should include changing my will, there isn't that much left out of what was left to my husband I live in a small bungalow with no more savings and a minimum wage job and there wouldn't be enough to recognise my dd's and my nieces and their DC. My gd has forgotten me so I want to recognise those who are important now not past reasons

FlexibleFriend Wed 07-Apr-21 20:14:58

It seems to have been a very flawed plan then because if you stayed with your Husband to get your hands on his money for your Daughters as you claim, why the hell did you spend it?

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 07-Apr-21 20:16:00

You’ve done quite well for yourself then, stayed married to get the money, now spent most of it and wondering if you can get your family back in your old age.

You couldn’t make it up could you?

Chookcook Wed 07-Apr-21 20:19:26

@flexiblefriend I had to live on something I couldn't claim benefits at that point as I had too much in savings and when I bought my property it needed work doing to make it livable and inturn this upped the value of it for when I am gone

Chookcook Wed 07-Apr-21 20:21:31

Oopsadaisy1 I have all the family I need my dd's and GC have gone I accept that. I have made up for it with my brother's family since he's died and want to leave the property to them instead.

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 07-Apr-21 20:22:07

TBH if this is a true story then you should leave everything you have to your children and Grandchildren.

Sago Wed 07-Apr-21 20:22:17

Full marks for honesty Chookcook.

crazyH Wed 07-Apr-21 20:35:30

The one thing that absolutely floored me was the fact that you stayed with your DH , because you knew he was in line for a large inheritance and when he popped his clogs, you would get it all. The only redeeming factor is that you thought it would help your daughters. Anyway, it didn’t. .....you blew the lot!,,,
I wish you the best. As for writing them out of your will, that’s up to you. ....I am glad that you and your nieces have formed a great bond. I am really pleased for you. Ofcourse, you must leave your nieces something, but not everything. Good luck !!

Chookcook Wed 07-Apr-21 21:13:45

Thank you @crazyH. Everything I did was for my dd's.

When they were young I had holes in my shoes and no winter coat. I never went for a night out for years and went without food so they could eat.

When my husband was being horrible to me with them present, I carried on like normal so they didn't notice I went cap in hand to my siblings to ask for money so they had good Christmas presents. Some siblings used to say they wouldn't give money if DH was still in my life so I hid him and risked my relationship with my family just so my dd's could have what they wanted.

I did this for them and everyone of my friends and family knows what I did for my dd's and they feel for me that despite this I lost them.

My nieces children love me and love coming to my house. They scream and cry when it's time to go home to their parents, they didn't even do that with their real grandparents. Everybody says how lovely it is and how my dd's have made their children miss out on family by having no contact with anybody.
It is sad but I can't live in the past. I did all I can selflessly for them, now it's my turn to be happy and those that make me happy should be rewarded not those who I've not seen in 20 years.

geekesse Wed 07-Apr-21 21:21:03

This could be the plot of a Disney animated film or a Catherine Cookson mini-series. Have you ever thought of selling your story?

Chewbacca Wed 07-Apr-21 21:28:22

I need to hide this thread.....