Competitive Grandparenting

I was there when my DD gave birth to her son, and it was love at first sight...and thanks to lockdown they lived with us for his first 6 months, talk about spoiled. I was so lucky.

Sadly apart from myself and my husband he has no other Grandparents (due to circumstances unknown sadly), so we do try to each be different - so he experiences different things with each of us. He is only 16 months but I do ache with happiness when we see him, only once every 3 weeks or so. I always ask my daughter to say if we annoy or overstep, but she has Asperger's she simply says she is glad we are there, and frequently asks advice.

I do however realise we are incredibly lucky...but I wish he had more Grandparents x

I live in another country to my son and DIL, her parents live just around the corner, of course they will see much more of the grandchildren.
I did find it very difficult when the family came to visit us, including DIL's parents, each time I was holding or talking to my grandson her father would come over and take him away. Every single time, even if the child came to me and sat on my knee or just talked to me. I felt really uncomfortable, I wasn't going to hang on to the child or try and stop her father removing his grandson. No tug of war for me!!
It was a long two weeks...I kept calm and kept my thoughts to myself, there was literally nothing I could say.
No more free holidays for him though. He's never going to be welcome in this house or any other house of mine.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

We are lucky to live very near our DD and 3 GS and so see them all the time. MIL lives 200 miles away and when she is able to visit we stay clear and give her the chance to enjoy the GS and spend time with them.
I know she appreciates it and we get on very well.

The other Gran of one of my grandchildren manufactured the existence of ‘ family nights’ enjoyed by my GC with her, her husband, son and my daughter. This family night happened every month with a special meal, games, a film and everyone staying over. Sounded fantastic but has never happened and was meant to hurt me. My daughter and SIL say it is typical of her competitiveness and silliness as it’s a story that’s easy to check. How pathetic and sad; so sad , in fact , that I didn’t pull her on it as she has other GC that she hasn’t any contact with at all.

I don't think that I am competitive with the other grandmother just very annoyed. Her son left my daughter when the children were 1 and 2 and a half as he didn't like family life. He went back to live with his mother in her grand house and had the children 2 days a week Since then my daughter has recover ed from the shock and seems happy. The children are now 4 and nearly 6.
Family breakups happen but I'm annoyed that the in-laws have completely cut my daughter out of their lives. The children seem happy enough and are given lots of treats at grandmothers. That's fine by me but am upset how my daughter was treated.
I see the children regularly each week and did a lot of early days childcare to help my daughter work was a teacher.

Perhaps our ways of grandparenting are set by what we encountered ourselves. If we liked it we do the same if we didn't we try to be different.
I feel so sorry for the lady who was not allowed to carry her own baby out of the hospital.
Lucky for me we had moved away from a very domineering MIL She visited us but I was not allowed to take the baby back to her town until the Aberdeen splint the poor mite had on their hips was removed at about two months old.
I had to isolate in the "Parlour" to breastfeed feed and she insisted I was putting the nappies on wrong and did it her way with two pins just where the splint fastened. I was also in trouble for changing nappies on a changing mat she used the setee and you can imagine the mess, but it was warmer.
I vowed never to be the same and let my family get on in their own way and I hope I have.

I know grandparents (mainly grandma) who in their mid 70's sold up a beautiful house and moved 400 miles south to be nearer their two grandsons. Now both of these boys are in their teens and spend very little time with their grandma, grandpa died in 2015. The parents of these boys rarely see grandma as they both have huge careers. This was all on the back of the fact that German Granny could fly over to see the boys easier than Scottish Grandma could get down to Kent both sets of grandparents forgot that the boys quickly grew up and aren't interested in their grandparents.

No competitive grand parenting here! I live three hours away from my DD but her MiL lives just down the road - and thank goodness that she does. She’s been an absolute godsend, a dog sitter, baby sitter and has often fetched our DC from school if my DD has been unable to. The woman’s an absolute marvel and I don’t hesitate to tell her so!

Jillybird wouldn't it be nice if the wealthy grandparents invited your friend as well for the weekend sometimes? They maybe have no idea how left out and sad she understandably feels.
Could her son suggest this to them?

My grandson’s other grandparents see him as much as me. They have holidayed several times with DD, SiL & DGS but I haven’t, but they have paid for a holiday which I have no problem with - I think it’s lovely they can afford to and SiL very close to parents. I was at the supermarket with DGS when we bumped into other grandparents and they declined his reaching out to them because it was my day, but I handed him over for a cuddle. We are all respectful of each other and I see us as one family. I still work and can’t accommodate every request for childcare so they step in, they holiday a lot and so I step in. Just enjoy your time with your grandchild. If you dwell on when you don’t see them then it spoils the time you do have with them..

We are lucky to get on well with the other set of GPs, and there is no competition. It's all a bit ridiculous really - the more people there are to love and take an interest in the child, the better, surely? It must be a selfish trait to want to be the favourite.

Hithere

"12:33NambyPamby

As the sole carer of granddaughter- SHE IS my life.
Some people put family before their own lives.
I have given up everything to do this."

What is going to happen when you are no longer her carer?
What is your plan?

What an unkind thing to say Hithere - it sounds to me like NamyPamby is doing a wonderful thing for her granddaughter.

I have only seen this question asked about competitive grand motherhood on here once.
The rest of us were much more sensible as it does not exist.I for one have 4 grandchildren and have no issues with co grandparenting.

I am the only active grandparent in my g/c lives. I am not the only living grandparent. My ex lives a long way away and has no interest in them. One family does not have paternal grandparents at all.

The other family has the (very) competitive grandma who wanted to rival me with affection, monetary gifts and general boasting, but not actual time for them, because she was too busy.

I let all that happen, because I could give time and was often to be found covered in glue, sparkle and face paints.

However, competitive grandma is now deeply into dementia, almost catatonic, but before she stopped recognising them, I let her have all the time she needed to allow g/c to make good memories with her.

Grandparenting is about give and take and is a privilege, not a right.

It’s hard sometimes, we have just one grandchild despite 5 grown up children. It’s my stepdaughters, so my husbands daughter. Her mum met our grandson a week before us, she and her husband lived much closer, she also had cancer and so sadly passed away when our DGS was only 3, 3 years ago, we took a backseat so my DSD and her mum and our DGS could spend quality time together. We missed out on a lot, but we are still here and when lockdown finally lifted cannot wait to see him again. Thank goodness for technology, zoom, Skype, FaceTime !!

My only GC and his parents currently live in Germany though it is for a short term contract so they will return to the UK in a couple of years. Meanwhile as my DS works in a university they will visit the UK for quite a long summer holiday this year if covid restrictions allow. They are planning a holiday with DiL's family in July and another with me in August so we will all spend time together. I get on well with DiL's parents so don't anticipate any competitiveness issues and when they return to the UK I hope to move nearer wherever they settle, as I'm planning to downsize. The other grandparents may end up living further away so I shall make sure they get time with the family when they are able to visit. I shall stay out of the way as I will likely get more opportunities for help with childcare normally if I live closer. I certainly have no wish to compete, just hope for good relationships all round.

I felt sad for my own DM as she lived many hours away from us, and didn't drive, so saw my children very little when they were young, while my in-laws lived closer and demanded seeing them much more frequently. I don't think they intended to be competitive but their demands were great and I don't think they ever considered how she might have felt.

'As long as they are happy and healthy'. But what if they are not??

I have one (primary age) GC and my SIL is very seriously ill. Nobody knows what the future holds. It has been hard to live at a distance and (pre Covid) not to be able to help out as my DD's in laws have been able to do (they live locally). But that's the way it is.

The situation has made the other GPs even more competitive for their time than they were at the start. Understandable now, perhaps.

However, what I do resent is the pressure my DD is under to limit the time she, her husband and my GC spend with us because of SIL's frequent hospital visits. As a carer and a teacher, she is often tired and in need of a break. On the very few occasions when she does stay with us without her husband (her choice, he is a good husband to her and is always welcome) she has been able to rest and catch up on her sleep.
Of course, when the other GPs take them all away on holiday the hospital arrangements do not appear to present the same problem.
And, of course, even pre Covid, they were never able to have Christmas and Easter at ours.

I don't rock the boat. But it is hurtful all the same.

I think I struck lucky - I have very little competition!! DDl's MIL is less fit than I am so only has dgd in emergencies. DD2 does not have a MIL - her then partner did not get on with his mother (or anybody else) to let her know she has a DGS. I feel very sorry for her, but delighted that I see him as much as I do.

When my brother in law and his wife had their first baby my mother in law drove to see her new granddaughter, mother and baby still in hospital. When she got there the girl in the next beds father asked my mother in law if she would like him to take a photograph of her with her daughter in law and new baby. ( it was an instamatic camera in those days ) A while later when we all visited for lunch we asked if we could see the photograph. The baby’s mother went bright red she had actually cut my mother in law off the photograph because she didn’t want her own mother to know that she had seen her first. This caused a family rift for years. Finally the rift was made up years later and my mother in law was helping them move house as she was clearing out a wall unit she found on the top the piece of photograph of herself that had been cut off many years before. My mother in law kept silent, years later when she died she had still kept the piece of photograph in her purse.

When I was growing up, I had to two sets of grandparents who I absolutely adored. Both sets had different backgrounds, and I enjoyed doing different things with them all. As far as I'm aware, there was never any competitiveness ... they just got on with being great grandparents, and my parents both got on well with their respective in-laws. This is what I've always hoped for in our family relationships.

We were already good friends with our DS's in-laws, even before they were married, spending lots of 'family time' together, before our GCs came along. But our DiL's mother has a tendency to be somewhat over-bearing & bossy, especially towards our DiL, who is actually rather intimidated by her own mother.

When our first GC came along, DiL's mum also became rather manipulative. DS, like most men, didn't want to rock the boat with his MiL, or cause any upset for our DiL. However, on occasions when we were present, it was noticed that her mum had upset/annoyed them sometimes. And, on one or two occasions, she extremely upset me. It was as though she was the only real grandparent! I'm the type of person who always likes to keep the peace (I guess that's where my DS gets it from!), but I got to the point when I just had to say something. I'm not particularly proud of that fact, and I do regret it now, as it did create quite an atmosphere for a while.

However, I do think that DiL's parents, and my DH & I, now have a mutual respect for each other as grandparents. It seemed to clear the air, so to speak, as there was a definite undercurrent previously, which didn't feel good. Very pleased to say that we do now all have a very good relationship, and we frequently socialise with the other GPs, even without our kids, or GCs. All we need now is for DiL to learn to stand up to her own mother.

My two year old granddaughter decided I would be Daddy Nanna and her other Nanna would be Mummy Nanna.....simples!
It takes a village to bring up a child, the more relatives involved happily in a child's life the better.

I didn’t even know I was a Grandma! Found out through a mutual friend, still haven’t seen my GC, they live a long, long way away. I doubt they know of my existence, they have a step grannie now. I was wrongly painted as the evil one in a nasty break up involving violence some years ago. Ex still putting down the poison and I am too weary to fight back now. I have a new life to live.

When I had our first baby she was the first grandchild on both sides and as my m-i-l had only sons you can imagine her excitement to have a granddaughter. Fortunately ..... or unfortunately.... my inlaws lived next door to us. However my husband, knowing how this could cause problems, went and saw his mum and said "Just to let you know we are buying the baby her first doll's pram, bike etc so don't even go there!" I have always been glad that he did this. As it was when her and I took the baby out in the pram if she met someone she knew it would be "This is my son's baby!" Er, I think I had something to do with it.
But I have to say she was a very good grandmother and all her grandchildren loved her a lot.

Shropshirelass

I didn’t even know I was a Grandma! Found out through a mutual friend, still haven’t seen my GC, they live a long, long way away. I doubt they know of my existence, they have a step grannie now. I was wrongly painted as the evil one in a nasty break up involving violence some years ago. Ex still putting down the poison and I am too weary to fight back now. I have a new life to live.

That’s so sad. All is not necessarily lost though. They may come looking for you as soon as they’re old enough ?. It’s a real minefield out there, reading all the comments. This is partly why we’ve ended up being estranged.

I have to admit, I love my grandchildren dearly, but also love my own life. I brought up four children. Was blessed with never having to work.

Grandchildren are very much part of our lives, with their parents, but we have other parts, some of which we hope to get back as and when covid restrictions lift.

We love them....but hands on full time.....no! No overnights, baking, crafting, days out ( unless with parents) etc. Been there and done all that. Now it’s our children’s turn. There’s no space then, to be disappointed.