Competitive Grandparenting

Teddy123

It really is a puzzle! In my experience the guilty party has been the DILs mother who lives 5 minutes away from the GC. I was relieved that my DIL would have plenty of support. There was no need for her antics when I was around. I wanted to giggle when she insisted on changing every dirty nappy.
The very last thing I fancied doing ?

Hilarious!

I absolutely agree, the maternal grandmother was there at the birth of our grandchildren and my son, at the time, complained, she, the grandmother edged him out, by hanging on to his daughter too long and not letting him hold her. We came along to the hospital, at their request, to see our new granddaughter the next day and the omnipresent other grandmother was still there letting everyone know what they could and couldn't do. My husband let it all wash over him, he was already a grandparent and this was his 4th grand daughter so he he told me he largely ignored her directives and put it down to her being over awed, as like me this was her first grandchild

I also find the "professional grandparent" a pain in the arse, those who make it their business to take over the raising of the next generation, like they haven't had enough of it first time around! and then talk of nothing else, this all consuming one dimensional so called status defining their whole existence. I feel sorry for those women who are made to feel that they aren't part of some invisible club if they haven't had grandchildren, or even children for that matter.

We all love our grandchildren, I very much regret not seeing much of mine during the lockdown, but far worse for those whose grand children are overseas.

When my first GS was old enough to realise he had two sets of GPs he took it on his self to call us by the colour of our cars Blue Nanna and Red Nanna, The cars are long gone and he is 23 now but still differentials us that way

Being competitive isn’t sensible but I feel there should be an element of respect. That seems to be an old fashioned view and these days anything goes. It used to be the new mums parents who were first to visit new baby, but now aunties or anyone can visit whenever so I’ve had to swallow my feelings and get on with it. Moving with the times, as it’s a trivial matter, in the overall scheme of things.
My DD is very close to her in-laws , each year spending a few weeks with them over Christmas and just a couple of hours at ours. I try to see the plus side that DD and DGC are benefiting from all their care. I’d not anticipated this happening and happily we don’t have that issue with our other grown up children.

I have three daughter in laws, the first wanted me at the birth and I have had gd every other weekend since plus other times, the second didn’t want me even at the hospital until it was all over and I rarely see gd except at family get togethers, it makes me sad because her other gp has her all the time but as long as I see her I’m good. Number 3 dil is due any day and she’s already told me she won’t be ready for visitors for at least a week while she and my son live with her mum who obviously will be there from day one. But what can you do as long as they are happy and healthy

When my first child was born my mother in law arrived in the ward on the day we were going home picked up the baby and walked out of jthe hospital with her.l was heart broken.My husband took no notice. I'M afraid l never forgave either of them.Over 60 y as ago now,but l still feel cross about it.

Ditto.....except for the DIL's mother it is her first grandchild so was a bit full on at the beginning and I really thought I was going to have problems with her being around the grandson 24/7. Even her daughter had to keep reminding her not to be so full on. Saying that, we have all settled into a nice grandparent routine of helping with childcare. I do one day a week and the other grandmother does one day. We all meet up for family events.

My grandkids from both my boys are long distance due to meeting daughter inlaws from different areas through work. So I’d never be first in queue lol. I see mine when I can get on with one side but not the other inlaws well get on with her dad who are divorced but her mum she’s something else and it’s not for the like of trying on my part. She constantly makes sly remarks and digs. I did snap back one day after putting up with it for about 3yrs after I sat and heard her make a cruel remark to my granddaughter who was 6yrs at time from my sons first marriage. she had crossed the line. My son wasn’t in room and daughter inlaw didn’t tell her to stop so I did. But if I buy something she as to buy bigger. But other mum inlaw she will ring me and ask if she’s buying something would I like to buy the other part etc. Even ex mum inlaw If she’s driving this way she will ask to meet up etc. Some ppl are just born jealous and nasty I’m afraid.

12Jade34 Well said … as long as they’re happy and healthy. Terribull I agree about ‘professional grandparent’ ! Made me chuckle.

I have 6 grandchildren. Four live 10 mins away, the other two even less than that. The other gran and I were at the hospital when one of them was born and I was lucky enough to witness her birth. As soon as I'd seen her I left the room and let the other gran go in. both families have always told us we're welcome to pop in whenever we want, but we never outstay our welcome. All three of us grans get on well and we often meet up at family do's.

I was the first to visit my Son's baby the day after he was born, I had a 3 hour train journey.
The other Grandparents who live 1hr 30 away took 3 days to
visit. I thought it was strange but sadly their visits have been
lacking ever since, they are simply not really interested. Sad.

I am a Nana and step nana a which brings different complications all managed fairly well . The worst thing I have found is when the free childcare ends and the GC start school and now we don’t get many visits at all . I know it’s been lockdown but allowed to have nice walks and things .That’s happened twice now but it won’t happen three times !

Just be grateful that you are able to see your grandchildren, many of us, including myself and DH who have had no contact with 2 granddaughters for the past 11 years and have no idea of their favourite things or even what they look like now which is a horribly sad situation to find yourself in for whatever reason.

As the sole carer of granddaughter- SHE IS my life.
Some people put family before their own lives.
I have given up everything to do this.

Not everyone goes ga ga over babies halfpint the other grandparents may relate to their grandson better when he is older.
Seems there are few grandparents on here who hit the right note with their families, they are either not interested enough or try to take over. It's hard being the right sort of grandparent these days.

Wondering if it's a new phenomenon, due to the various lockdowns and not seeing family, or if it has always existed?

Maybe some parents are so desperate because they haven't been able to monitor the pregnancy as the normally would have that they just want to be first in to grab the baby.
When did grandchildren morph into possessions, as according to some grandparents which apparently gives them some extra rights, rather than treating them as an actual joy, a pleasure and having the ability to step back and go with whatever the parents want ?

Janal

When my first child was born my mother in law arrived in the ward on the day we were going home picked up the baby and walked out of jthe hospital with her.l was heart broken.My husband took no notice. I'M afraid l never forgave either of them.Over 60 y as ago now,but l still feel cross about it.

Oh Janal - I totally feel and understand your pain in this. Sounds exactly like MY mil who, incidentally, we were 'lodging with' at the time. I married the youngest of her six sons ('her baby' ) and all five of my sil's pre-warned me of what she would be like. I NEVER kow-towed to my own mother, so I certainly wouldn't do it with HER! We clashed horns over so many 'parenting issues'.

When my baby was 'windy', she wanted to give him what she referred to as 'Cinder Tea' - boiled water with a 'red hot cinder out of the fire' dropped into it and then strained through a piece of muslin ................... only she wanted to use a tea-strainer instead of muslin [shocked]. The bits of charred cinder were floating in the grey liquid and I just managed to grab the baby out of her arms. I had to watch her like a hawk and got out of there at the very first opportunity !

It is just madness. We had a very difficult time when my eldest son & his wife had the first baby. Her parents were very pushy & insisted on being there every day - even if we were going over. We lived 30 miles away- they were 5 mins away.
We just let them get on with it & it was soon us who were asked to babysit often. I think my DiL got fed up with being told how to be a good parent. She has 3 sisters all within walking distance of their parents too.

Never understood how some Grandparents whole lives revolve around there GC. I have a happy medium,I have my life which is happy and fulfilled then my time with my beautiful gc.

"12:33NambyPamby

As the sole carer of granddaughter- SHE IS my life.
Some people put family before their own lives.
I have given up everything to do this."

What is going to happen when you are no longer her carer?
What is your plan?

My late partner was always going on about the other grandmas partner monopolising my GD but it never really bothered me even though it was noticeable. She will always spend more time with them as they live nearer

I was shocked at my friend when her grandson was born. She was absolutely fuming that her DILs parents got there first, this was their first grandchild, she already is a grandmother. If they get to look after him more than she does she sulks. Every time I see her she's showing me pictures of him, but never any of her little granddaughter. The grandson's father was always her favourite out of her 2 sons and it's now happening with her grandchildren too. Sad.

Well obviously I will try not to die so she doesn't get adopted.

What a stupid comment, I really dont know why I'm on gransnet anymore.

I live 4 hours drive from my grandson, his other grandparents live a few minutes away and collect him from school some days and look after him during school holidays although I do have a week staying there in August. Not ideal but then it's not an ideal world.

I live 10 minutes away from my DS and his family. Under normal circumstances I looked after my GD until she started school last year. Her brother has hardly been to our house since Covid and I have never even changed his nappy (probably not a bad thing) hopefully that will change soon. The other nanny lives in Spain and in non Covid times comes to stay at the house with DS, DIL and GC for a few weeks at a time. It works out well as other nanny is able to come over and help if DIL needs help which is only right and proper when you need your mother. Other nanny also has 7 more GC so she has to spread herself around a bit when in the UK. I do get a bit envious when my GC meet up with all their cousins as there are none on our side and never will be. None of that matters when you are out and your GD sees you and shouts nanny and runs into your arms (pre Covid of course).