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AIBU

Is my partner rude to me?

(93 Posts)
Shangela123 Thu 20-May-21 20:17:11

I do have tendency to be overly sensitive so feel free to tell me if I am being.
Been together a year and live together, I just have this feeling that he gets easily irritated by me and feels he has to correct me a lot.

If he's speaking, I might say things like 'Oh cool!" "oh really?" Whilst he's telling a story for instance. I don't interrupt him and start speaking.
He gets annoyed at this and says I have to wait until he's completely finished before interjecting in any way.
If I mishear things he gets annoyed. I think we all mishear things sometimes, it's not like it's every word. He points at my ears and says "Are these things working or what?" Or says I "never listen properly" Which is totally untrue.

He mocked me because I didn't know the name of a particular bird and laughs because I mispronounced words like 'cedar'.

Today he was telling me about something his Mum did when he was younger which was quite cruel, and i said "Wow, I don't really know what to say." He said "You don't have to say anything, you really don't have to react to everything that I say."

Sometimes we'll be talking about a topic (well he will) , I will add an opinion and he'll say "Ermm..ok.. what do you want me to say to that?"
Or he will say "I have no idea what you're talking about" / "That's nothing to do with what I'm talking about" which irritates me as it's wrong.
The other day we went out on a trip and he joked about how I have "so many errors". I just got annoyed and said "It's a shame we aren't all like you then isn't it."

He does seem to realise sometimes when he's like this and will give me a hug.

The other day without me saying anything he told me he felt he had been quite rude and that he was sorry. I said that he had and he said that if somebody was like that with him that he wouldn't want to be with them.

He then said he has "very high standards that people don't match up to."

It did hurt for him to imply that I don't meet his standards and I wondered if he sees himself as superior to me. I asked him this and he said no he doesn't.

He himself has a mild learning difficulty which sometimes means that his mind will go blank and he forgets his words. He takes medication to help it and I know it gets him down, but never once have I made fun of it or got frustrated by it.

I know that people can get frustrated when living together and maybe I'm overreacting. It's just getting me down and making me scared to speak or say the wrong thing.

Oopsadaisy1 Thu 20-May-21 20:34:26

I’m sorry, but you shouldn’t be with this person or any person who appears to be trying to ‘educate’ you, or stops you from trying to speak.
He sounds pretty awful, even though he often seems contrite he just does it again and he will keep on doing it until you either put your foot down and refuse to be treated in this way or you walk.
TBH I would walk away and breathe a sigh of relief that you have escaped.

EkwaNimitee Thu 20-May-21 20:35:44

Over sensitive, over reacting? I don’t think so! You”ve been more tolerant than a lot of people would have been including me. You haven’t tried discussing it with him? Perhaps he really has rather low self esteem and it makes him feel better belittling you.
I think there are wiser heads on GN to advise you than me and I hope they will.

Bernardaalba Thu 20-May-21 20:35:57

I agree with Oopsadaisy1
You shouldn’t be with this person or any person who appears to be trying to ‘educate’ you, or stops you from trying to speak.
Exactly, he sounds pretty awful, even though he often seems contrite he just does it again and he will keep on doing it until you either put your foot down and refuse to be treated in this way or you walk.

Peasblossom Thu 20-May-21 20:38:04

I think it’s time to accept that this isn’t working out -for either of you.

How easily can you disentangle yourself?

Ladyleftfieldlover Thu 20-May-21 20:38:57

Sorry. Just walk away and don’t look back. He isn’t for you and I think you know that.

Maywalk Thu 20-May-21 20:41:55

My God!!!!!!! I would have parted his hair with a frying pan if he spoken to me like that.

Get out while you still have a life to live.

He sounds a right bigot.

Sorry to be so outspoken but I definitely would not be with someone who treated me like that.

Shangela123 Thu 20-May-21 20:43:04

It's a shame because it's great a lot of the time and we get on really well.
He does seem to get annoyed easily by the way other people speak etc., But not everyone.
I nearly ended things last year over it but he didn't want it to end.
I think he's pretty insecure as he failed his university degree and has had issues in jobs due to this learning difficulty, plus isn't 100% happy with his looks etc. But I try my best to support him in every way including financially and I would never put him down.
Thanks for the replies.

TrendyNannie6 Thu 20-May-21 20:43:07

Quite frankly he sounds awful shangela , I would be gone,

welbeck Thu 20-May-21 20:43:31

why did you get so involved with someone who treats you like this. surely he didn't start being like this when you moved in.
agree with above comment.
you need to keep your dignity, and walk.
you do not exist to solve or endure or be punished by his problems.
it's obvious that he regards himself as superior to you.
wave goodbye. see it as a learning experience.

Lin52 Thu 20-May-21 20:44:10

Shangela123

I do have tendency to be overly sensitive so feel free to tell me if I am being.
Been together a year and live together, I just have this feeling that he gets easily irritated by me and feels he has to correct me a lot.

If he's speaking, I might say things like 'Oh cool!" "oh really?" Whilst he's telling a story for instance. I don't interrupt him and start speaking.
He gets annoyed at this and says I have to wait until he's completely finished before interjecting in any way.
If I mishear things he gets annoyed. I think we all mishear things sometimes, it's not like it's every word. He points at my ears and says "Are these things working or what?" Or says I "never listen properly" Which is totally untrue.

He mocked me because I didn't know the name of a particular bird and laughs because I mispronounced words like 'cedar'.

Today he was telling me about something his Mum did when he was younger which was quite cruel, and i said "Wow, I don't really know what to say." He said "You don't have to say anything, you really don't have to react to everything that I say."

Sometimes we'll be talking about a topic (well he will) , I will add an opinion and he'll say "Ermm..ok.. what do you want me to say to that?"
Or he will say "I have no idea what you're talking about" / "That's nothing to do with what I'm talking about" which irritates me as it's wrong.
The other day we went out on a trip and he joked about how I have "so many errors". I just got annoyed and said "It's a shame we aren't all like you then isn't it."

He does seem to realise sometimes when he's like this and will give me a hug.

The other day without me saying anything he told me he felt he had been quite rude and that he was sorry. I said that he had and he said that if somebody was like that with him that he wouldn't want to be with them.

He then said he has "very high standards that people don't match up to."

It did hurt for him to imply that I don't meet his standards and I wondered if he sees himself as superior to me. I asked him this and he said no he doesn't.

He himself has a mild learning difficulty which sometimes means that his mind will go blank and he forgets his words. He takes medication to help it and I know it gets him down, but never once have I made fun of it or got frustrated by it.

I know that people can get frustrated when living together and maybe I'm overreacting. It's just getting me down and making me scared to speak or say the wrong thing.

Belittling people about how they speak or pronounce things is a sign of mental abuse, illegal under new laws. Reading the rest of your story, he sounds like a very unpleasant man.

Shangela123 Thu 20-May-21 20:44:16

It wasn't like this at the start at all or when we were getting to know each other but I suppose it's creeped up over time.

Redhead56 Thu 20-May-21 20:44:57

He is not for you if you are not allowed to speak or have an opinion walk away.

Shangela123 Thu 20-May-21 20:45:18

I spoke to him about it the other day and made it clear I wouldn't tolerate anymore. Like I was saying he knows when he's done it as he'll suddenly act more affectionate with me.

NotAGran55 Thu 20-May-21 20:45:46

As they say on MN - LTB .

nadateturbe Thu 20-May-21 20:47:07

You can't possibly be happy and it will only get worse. He is NOT the person for you. It doesn't matter if he apologises, he will keep doing it.
Please don't wait for things to improve or think that the good times are worth this treatment. Finish with him now. If you don't you will regret it. Please...

welbeck Thu 20-May-21 20:48:38

but you don't get on really well.
you seem as bit self-deluded. you are too enmeshed.
of course he didn't want you to go, you support him financially.
are you going to wait for his permission to go.
is that a dynamic that you want to live your life by, doing what you are told.
wake up and smell the coffee.

Grandmabatty Thu 20-May-21 20:48:54

You've only been together for a year but are living together already. I think you've rushed into this relationship before you got to know him properly. You shouldn't be finding it so difficult at this early stage. You seem to be making excuses for him too. I agree with the other posters and walk away from this. You are not compatible and he will continue to make you unhappy.

MerylStreep Thu 20-May-21 20:49:49

Shangela
Read this. You will probably think this doesn’t apply to me but scroll down to Gaslighting and Name calling and putting you down.
Don’t use his learning difficulty as an excuse. www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control

EllanVannin Thu 20-May-21 20:50:47

I'd run for the hills if that was me. He's " not well ".

Deedaa Thu 20-May-21 20:51:31

That's how these things happen Shangela123 It creeps up gradually until you lose all self esteem and are trapped in the relationship.

There's a possibility that his behaviour to you is caused by his learning difficulty and perhaps counselling might help, but really I would leave now.

Shangela123 Thu 20-May-21 21:02:35

Do you think it's just me who makes him this way and that he'd be suited to someone else ?

Woodmouse Thu 20-May-21 21:16:35

IT'S NOT YOU! He is eroding your confidence and you are probably walking on eggshells around him. I bet you feel a lot more relaxed and calmer when he's not around. He has no right to belittle you and make you doubt yourself. I sincerely believe that you know you'd be happier without him. Please get out of this toxic relationship you're in. I am sending you a big hug. X

CanadianGran Thu 20-May-21 21:17:46

Oh Shangela123, you are not making him this way. This is such a wrong way of thinking! He is that way.

Maybe his issue with previous jobs is not a learning difficulty, but an intolerance of other's feelings. And I hate to generalize, but I find older men's 'quirks' just get worse as they get older. You can warn him, but if he doesn't improve quickly, then you need to consider your long term happiness.

nadateturbe Thu 20-May-21 21:23:10

It's NOT you. Even if you exolain and reason and he promises to change, it won't last. Please just leave. He will ruin your life.xx