Neighbours constantly asking for things

I am now starting to feel guilty if we are putting too much on our neighbours by asking them occasionally to feed our cats and water the garden if we are away. Their little girl loves them and they say they are very happy to do it, but I don't want them to feel put upon. We do go in and water their garden and pick up their post when they are away, but cat feeding and doing litter trays is a bit different if you don't have animals. I do take them some of my home made cakes occasionally, and we have helped out when asked for advice with dealing with the nasty man they have the misfortune to live next door to, as we had problems with him too.

I hope it is a bit of give and take, I would hate to think they felt put upon?

It's a real bonus to have good neighbours that you can rely on for the odd helpful gesture, but it has to be mutual, and acceptable to both sides. It sounds as if your neighbours have managed to develop a one way street of help, freebies, and unrestricted violation of your property. Were this my situation, I would change it while trying not to upset them. No is a powerful word; you don't have to explain anything, although there are some excellent suggestions on here for stopping them in their tracks.

well... deep sighs... I am elderly, and I find it soooo hard to ask , even my family or closest and very close friend for help!

However, I can sort of see their point of view, cos many of us older people grew up in a society much different to how it is now..

just saying..

and also I put the wheelie bin out for my much younger neighbour.. well it is on wheels!

I’ll check my diary is a good way of getting out of stuff without committing

B9exchange

I am now starting to feel guilty if we are putting too much on our neighbours by asking them occasionally to feed our cats and water the garden if we are away. Their little girl loves them and they say they are very happy to do it, but I don't want them to feel put upon. We do go in and water their garden and pick up their post when they are away, but cat feeding and doing litter trays is a bit different if you don't have animals. I do take them some of my home made cakes occasionally, and we have helped out when asked for advice with dealing with the nasty man they have the misfortune to live next door to, as we had problems with him too.

I hope it is a bit of give and take, I would hate to think they felt put upon?

I'm sure you aren't the only person reading this post and mentally checking over their own neighbour behaviour ! Clearly the OP's neighbours are taking the p***. It doesn't sound as though you are at all the same. You stop their plants dying and they stop your cat dying. OK it's not quite the same thing, but they get cake too!

Sorry you have to deal with takers in your new home. I've nothing to add to what's been said already but firmly to say No. You shouldn't need to give a reason. If you feel you can tell them it was I'll cost X£s if they want to buy it. That often stops people who want freebies really. Nothing is for nothing..

What do all these acronyms mean? I’m stumped!

Thank you Sarahcyn for your kind words, I am relieved

Yes, as others have said, if the skip issue happens again, tell them how much it's costing and would they like to go halves?? But seriously, it's very sad when people take more and more advantage like this. What I've learned over the years is that it's ME that's "teaching" them that I'll put up with it so it's ME who has to change my behaviour - it's illogical to expect someone to change behaviour that obviously suits them so much. Remember that very wise saying: "Fool me Once, Shame on You. Fool me Twice, Shame on Me."

polnan

well... deep sighs... I am elderly, and I find it soooo hard to ask , even my family or closest and very close friend for help!

However, I can sort of see their point of view, cos many of us older people grew up in a society much different to how it is now..

just saying..

and also I put the wheelie bin out for my much younger neighbour.. well it is on wheels!

well yes but I bet that you don't ask them for stuff or services that they have paid for!
When Dh and I bought our first house on a small estate we used to say hello to an older lady who was often out in her front garden. One day she said "can I give you some advice?" (she knew it was out first house) She said "stay on good terms with your neighbours but don't get too friendly" We were a bit gobsmacked but she told us that she had lived in her house when it was built and seen the same story over and over again as people moved in and out....fast friendships then falling out then joining one or another of the factions. As we got to know the area a bit we realised how right she was...if you were seen chatting to one lot then another lot would pass you with their noses in the air. It sounds cold hearted but its good advice that I have followed all my life and it has kept me out of trouble in many places. I have good neighbours now....we take in parcels for each other and so on but we don't live in each other's pockets.

Oopsadaisy1

Sometimes you find that elderly neighbours will zoom in on a younger couple who they will ask to do things so that ‘ they don’t have to bother their own children’ the ‘children’ are happy because they know that if there is a problem the neighbour will help to sort it out.
As your neighbours get older you could find yourself in a similar situation to another poster on a similar thread.
Say no now, be friendly but set your boundaries before they get worse.

I was thinking that too. Older people don’t like to bother their own children but quite happy to keep banging on your door. Just not on!
As to the jobs your husband has already started with them I would be sure to be too busy to ever get round to finishing it or developing an injury that made it impossible to do so however here is a telephone number of a company that can do it.

I too had a neighbour like this, in the end I used to write down where she could get whatever it was/tell her how much etc. The last straw was her saying 'I am retired you know'. My reply was so am I. She tried her freebie collecting all over the village - needless to say she was not popular. These people are very Thick skinned. She did manage at least 3 holidays a year, one of which was always a cruise. The answer to their requests has to be NO.

Ask yourself what is worse: putting up with this behaviour or drawing a line and perhaps ending up not on speaking terms with your neighbours.

I would do as others suggest, tell then you need the supplies you have ordered yourself, but if there should be anything left over, they are welcome to buy it from you. Make it quite clear that you are not so fortunately placed that you can afford to give it to them.

I would not go to the trouble and expense of putting up more fencing, even if you may do so where you live. Simply inform them that you value your privacy, and that you would appreciate them not walking in your garden unless invited in by you or your husband.

Do this now - the longer you leave it the harder it will be to say anything to them about it.

I had a very good relationship with my neighbour, I did lots of shopping for her at the end of 2019 when she had hurt h& Diabetic so I did her shopping until she decided she felt safe enough to start coming with me, partly because like all of us it's nice to get out & get your own shopping instead of relying on others.

Fast forward to this year, I was in Hospital for 11 days (not Covid related), she fed my cat which she always did when I went away. I had to self isolate for 14 days when I left Hospital, my DD did my shopping once a week. My neighbour was walking into our lovely little Town to do her own shopping what hurt is that she never asked me if there was anything I needed or if here was a little treat I would like. She does ask how I am if we happen to be in our gardens at the same time but hasn't been round to see me or even messaged me.

I know she disapproves of my relationship with a younger man I met last August, he's 20 years younger than me, I'm almost 66 & have been widowed for 8 years, he chose me, not sure why but we get on well, it's a great friendship & he makes me happy, I suspect its a case of a "green-eye monster"

I drive & have a wide social circle but I will no longer put myself out for her, neither will I be inviting her to join me for days out.

People can be users , even the ones you had a reasonable relationship with. As to your neighbours, I would definitely put the barriers up both physically if possible such as a gate, fence, hedge & metaphorically

The local police here operate a security advice scheme. You can book an appointment and they come round and advise on things like window locks and door chains, and where not to hide your front door key, BUT a community policeman comes in uniform. Perhaps a little white lie might be in order, along the lines of, “We noticed veg were being stolen from our garden and reported it to the police”? Probably wouldn’t work in an area where the police have things like stabbings to worry about, but it’s quiet where we live. And if your conscience troubles you, say to the policeman while he’s there, do you ever have any problems with produce going missing around here? As in, do we need to secure our garden!

I have not read all the replies but people seem so negative.
Maybe the people before you were such good friends and that was the kind of relationship they had with them - and probably with the same kind of behaviours on both sides.
While I agree that you will have to set boundaries, you can do that in nice conversations - you said they are elderly so they may not realize that their behaviour is annoying as it maybe what they used to have all the time.
In a conversation you can ask about the previous owners and if they were friends and where they have gone etc. Then talk about that in your previous property you enjoyed the peace and quiet and nobody coming in. If there is no fence between your gardens - you can then easily bring up that you were thinking on erecting a privacy fence.

I do enjoy my privacy as well but we also need to help each other out in this world. Be firm where you have to be firm but let them down politely till they get a feel of what is alright with you and what is not.

Yes we have been there and got the tee shirt to prove it. We have the same next door to us. We have outdoor security lights back and front when next door gets her washing in off the line she waves her arms about to activate the light, we have CCTV so if they get the chance they park their car under the CCTV.
We came home from shopping to find them in our back garden using their hosepipe on our outside tap watering their garden and filling up their newly dug pond. Because they know we are of NHS background they think they can ask us for over the counter meds if they are not feeling well. They often do their gardening naked it does not bother us however the husband makes a point of telling me “Oh I bet you have seen bigger ones than mine”. Having said all that, on the positive side they are very friendly and very nosey so they keep an eye on our house if we are away and every Christmas they buy us gifts as we do them.

Just tell them a polite and simple no. Warn them if they come in to your garden and have an accident they will be liable as it is private property.

I’m surprised you’ve put up with this for so long, and now it’s difficult to stop it.

I think you’ve just got to say ‘we’re very busy sorting out our new home, and don’t what we need just yet, so we can’t give anything away. When we have finished with the skip, if there is any room we will let you know’. As for coming into your garden, do as another GN says - say it’s not safe. Good luck.

A few years ago I had a very good friend in the village - she has since remarried and moved away. We had children at the same time - it was always me who drove us to NCT classes as she couldn’t drive. Then the typewriter shenanigans! She wanted to borrow it to type up an essay and I said fine. After a few weeks I needed it back - I was secretary of the local playgroup and needed to type up some minutes. She still needed it! In the end I rang her up and said my OH was coming round to collect it because I couldn’t carry it. She then made him wait for about an hour. Anyway, I got the thing back and never let her have it again. Fortunately I’m not a doormat and am not afraid to speak up! Always politely though. Maybe we should have a thread about why so many women are doormats and refuse to stand up for themselves. It is 2021 after all.

Totally agree with feeling my age 55 ...yiu need to decide on then practise your answers ....Family and extended family comes first for everything, and I would normally sell surplus, even small quantities. You could also answer , " I was going to sell it .." and see if they offer you anything. I suppose in the end it' s all about setting your limits ....

Gracequirrel
Older people don’t like to bother their own children

Some older people, and I suspect, some younger people Grace...

just saying,, praps I am feeling a bit touchy today,, but I said, I don`t ask my neighbours, I help them!

I totally agree with the many pp's who say to let them know, politely, that enough is enough and to have a polite refusal at the ready for next time they ask for something.
Yes, we should be civil with our neighbours because we never know when we might actually need them but it doesn't do to be in each other's pockets and it's always good to have your own back up plans because you can't necessarily rely on other people.
Like one pp, I take in parcels for a few of my neighbours, mainly because I'm the one who's at home all day every day whilst they're all out at work and occasionally they'll accept one for me. We say hello in the street and ask after each other's families' welfare but that's pretty much where it all stops, with the exception of the lovely teenage lad on the one side who loves my dog and will occasionally ask whether he can take him out for a walk. I've never asked him to, he does it because he wants to. I've always sent a tin of chocolates to each of my 2 immediate neighbours at xmas just because I'm neighbourly and I do give my dog walking neighbour birthday gifts, I feel it acknowledges his generosity.
I would also say that I'm disabled and live alone but have always been very independent, I've never asked anything of my neighbours although on a few occasions when I've been due to go into hospital for operations I've let them know that i would be away from home for a few days and they've said that they would keep an eye on the house and check in on me afterwards to see whether I needed anything but no knock on the door or phone call ever came.
I did also wonder throughout all these lockdowns whether they would think that I might need a little help, like bringing a loaf of bread or bottle of milk in for me when they were going shopping for themselves, because I had to shield myself, but no. Fortunately, as previously mentioned I am very independent (I've had to be) so I've just sucked it up and accepted that if by having to go shopping I might catch covid and die, then so be it but I'm still here and I have no-one to thank for it but myself.
I'm looking to move house in the next 12 months and 'hope' that my new neighbours will have similar ideas on how neighbours should be towards each other.

It's not on, feel sorry for you. I had a Chinese lady & her kids as neighbours at my last house. She constantly asked me to phone places for her on MY phone, asked me for things, etc saying she couldn't speak English. I was then told by another neighbour she has a good a good chatter with the other mums at the school gates and her English was great! People just take the micky out of you, tell them "I'm sorry but no you can't", only way you will get peace.

Sadly some people ask their children and are met with all sorts of excuses. Same when trying to arrange a day to meet up. In the end you just give up. Still no excuse to be cheeky with neighbours though.