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Should I pay my friend now

(41 Posts)
seasider Tue 01-Jun-21 07:47:28

To cut a long story short teenage DS and I had to leave our home at the end of 2020 due to his dad’s behaviour. Since then finances have been very tight. Good friend knows this . Good friend saw a concert she wanted to attend . I was not overly bothered but agreed to go with friend but explained I could not afford to book at that time . Friend who is very frugal but has a good job and lots of money in bank said she would pay and I could pay her back when I could afford. She also got a discount by me booking it as a previous customer.
Have not been able to pay her back yet due to solicitors bills etc but there is now doubt the event will go ahead . She will receive a full refund if it does not. Two other lovely friends are treating me to a trip away next year for my birthday. First friend was asked if she wanted to come and agreed . She told me she couldn’t set up a payment and asked me to pay the £50 deposit and she would refund me ( this was weird as she is red hot on online banking etc ) . I paid it for her but she didn’t refund me straight away as usual. She then said should I just knock it off what you owe me . I have explained that I have not budgeted to pay out £50 now and apologised for not sending her money as I was waiting to see if first event was cancelled. No money has been returned which leaves me short . She has now said I can pay her monthly .I know I owed her but I am upset by this sort of underhand behaviour instead of her just asking me. We have been good friends for 25 years and when I could afford I have been very generous to her . Am I wrong to feel upset?

seasider Wed 02-Jun-21 01:30:53

Just to be clear I have never asked this friend for any financial help despite having to leave my home and being saddled with the debt of the previous relationship which was in my name as ex was sacked from his job and hit the bottle. Friend made the offer to pay for the ticket and I could pay her back when I was able. My overtime at work finished and I had a large solicitors bill . I was advised by the police to move teenage son ASAP after his father attacked him so had to pay rent on another property as well . All this contributed to current financial situation which I am clawing my way out of and I have taken on any extra work I can find. I will pay my friend in full ASAP as I always intended but I still feel disappointed that this has slightly changed the relationship. I was shocked a few weeks back when the same friend sold a large item. The buyer sent a van that was too small so had to rearrange collection. When he came the second time he gave my friend the payment and when she counted it after he left there was £100 too much. I asked if she contacted him but she said no she was keeping it for her trouble! It made me uncomfortable that the driver may have got into trouble.

Hithere Wed 02-Jun-21 01:50:56

Re: your current situation- I hope you have legal counsel that is helping you navigate all these events.
I hope the other party is not taking advantage of you

Re: sale of large item.
This shouldn't even be on your radar. Why do you know so much about it?
It has nothing to do with you or your situation.

You were not 100% interested on the concert but chose to go.

Please concentrate on how to get out of this, looking for what is best for you and your son.
Fun things can come later.

How was your financial situation before you left your home? Any savings you can get?

welbeck Wed 02-Jun-21 02:07:40

OP, i have been in a somewhat similar situation, where i witnessed someone whom i had supposed a friend behave in a less than honest way, relating to someone else.
i was so shocked, and it still disturbs me, several years later.
i don't want to say too much as may be outing.
but i had never come across such behaviour before, and i still castigate myself for not insisting that she did the right thing, or allowed me to do it for her.
it involved an innocent party, unknown to both of us, who was deprived of something that was of no use to the person i knew, but might have been very precious or significant to the rightful owner.
OP, you have got enough on your plate. if i were you i would be edging away from this person, not compatible values.
she caught you at a low ebb and may have manipulated you into the concert so she could get the discount.
forget it. pay what you must, then minimum contact.
don't waste your energy. she's not your kind of person.
good luck.

Nansnet Wed 02-Jun-21 06:11:51

If she is frugal, she may have made an exception for you + getting discount for your benefit
She went through a lot of trouble to make this easy for you.

It's funny how we interpret things differently. I immediately thought that the OPs friend was being rather selfish, knowing full well what a difficult financial situation the OP was in, she still, for her own benefit, purely because she wanted to go to the concert, and obviously didn't want to go alone, encouraged the OP to go along with her. She knew the OP couldn't afford it, so she basically bribed her to go by offering to pay, until she could afford to pay her back. Frankly, I think that's rather selfish. It sounds to me like the OPs friend went to a lot of trouble to get her financially strapped friend to agree to do what she wanted, because she wanted someone to go to the concert with her. If she wanted the OP to go with her, knowing she couldn't afford it, she should've offered to pay outright for her ticket.

As far as the trip away is concerned, the OPs good friends have paid for a 1 night trip for her birthday, which she said was a surprise. After what she's been through, it sounds like she deserves it.

Hithere Wed 02-Jun-21 13:51:47

A trip usually has other expenses attached to it.
We do not know if the friends who surprised the OP planned to cover 100% of the cost.

In general, we deserve what we can afford.
The life circumstances do not make us more worthy, life is not fair.

nanna8 Wed 02-Jun-21 14:28:40

In my long life I have found the richest people are the most frugal. That is why they are rich.

Nansnet Thu 03-Jun-21 10:15:47


A trip usually has other expenses attached to it.
We do not know if the friends who surprised the OP planned to cover 100% of the cost.

In general, we deserve what we can afford.
The life circumstances do not make us more worthy, life is not fair.

Yes, we all know that trips do come with other expenses, for food/drinks/etc., and we do not know if the friends plan to cover those costs. However, the trip is not until next year, so perhaps the OP feels that she has plenty of time to save a little extra cash before then, without having the immediate worry of going short.

Her friends have kindly paid for the trip for her birthday, and they are not expecting her to pay it back. Unlike the friend who expects the OP to pay for a concert ticket, which OP didn't particularly want to attend, and which said she couldn't afford. OP doesn't currently have the money for the ticket, and only agreed to go because her friend wanted someone to go with, and said she could pay her back whenever she had the money. Her friend has gone back on her word, and is now expecting OP to pay for the ticket before she can afford it.

I do not condone that people who can't afford things should be irresponsible with money, and think that they deserve things they can't afford. However, OP did not book a trip for herself which she cannot afford, it was booked and paid for, as a surprise, and she deserves to be able to enjoy it, next year, for her birthday. My reference to OP deserving the trip, was in respect to the difficult year she has endured with her husband, and it was nothing to do with her financial situation. I'm guessing her good friends probably feel the same, that she deserves it. It's what good friends tend to do when they know someone is going through a difficult time.

Doodledog Thu 03-Jun-21 10:25:32

I think the waters are being muddied here as both the OP and the friend may be using their knowledge of other things to judge the other. The OP is using the fact that she knows about the large item sale, and the state of the friend's bank account, and the friend may be using the fact that the OP is going on a trip.

The bottom line, though, is that none of that is relevant. The OP borrowed the money (whether she wanted to go or not) on the understanding that she would pay it back as soon as she could afford it. She has decided, presumably without discussion, that she will wait to see if the concert is cancelled before offering payment, and her friend has taken matters into her own hands.

IMO, as long as someone owes money, they should not be spending on themselves, unless the deal was that it would be paid back on a given date, in which case that should be honoured unless it is impossible to do so. It is just not reasonable to assume that someone else has to do without their own money because it would be inconvenient for you to do so without hanging onto it for longer.

seasider Thu 03-Jun-21 10:51:52

Thanks Nansnet and everybody who has commented. I have listed lots of things on e bay and with the money raised I will pay my friend off but sadly it has changed my opinion of my friend . I will think carefully in future before committing to anything .

Doodledog Thu 03-Jun-21 11:00:40

What do you think your friend should have done?

JaneJudge Thu 03-Jun-21 11:15:50

The OP has already said she will pay her expenses on her birthday trip!

It sounds like you are going through a really rough time and this is the tip of the iceberg. I think you know you need to be clearer in future. I hope everything else is sorted out for you soon

Doodledog Thu 03-Jun-21 12:50:23

The OP has already said she will pay her expenses on her birthday trip!

Yes, and I wondered if this is why the friend is annoyed. If the OP can afford to pay the expenses, she can afford to pay back the money she owes.

In both cases, the OP and the friend are making assumptions about the others' motives and financial circumstances, which is where the problems have arisen.

It is a shame that this has changed the OP's opinion of her friend, and I also hope that life improves for the OP, but as the question stands (which is all that we can go on), I feel that emotions need to be taken out of the situation, as they always make matters worse. Difficult, where human relationships are involved, I know.

sazz1 Sat 05-Jun-21 20:25:59

I lent my BF £10 when we were teenagers. She never paid me back. Then in our late 20s she was desperate so I lent her £80. She never paid me back. Then a few years later she knocked on my door one night asking if I could lend her £100 as she owed a debt collected. I said no outright and told her she hadn't paid me the £80. She was crying and pleading but I still said no. She soon had another BFF who she probably milked as well.
OP you need to start a payment plan with your friend, even if it's just £20 a month. Otherwise you may lose her and perhaps other friends if she tells them
All the best

welbeck Sun 06-Jun-21 00:16:28

OP did not beg this person to lend her some money.
the person, knowing OP could get a discount through some membership, manipulated OP into agreeing to go to a concert with her.
despite OP saying that she was not keen, and her financial situation being difficult, and for personal reasons probably feeling quite low.
so harder to withstand person's schemes. who then gets her into an unwanted debt.
not very friendly.
OP's much better off without her.

icanhandthemback Sun 06-Jun-21 11:10:54

It sounds like there is a difference of expectations here and sadly, the friend did a "contra" without reference to her debtor which put OP in a difficult position. It sounds like she has now backtracked and this has been a learning curve for both of them.

What do you think your friend should have done?

The friend should have asked if there was any possibility of a repayment plan. That would have given both parties a way forward.

What should the OP have done?

Maybe setting up an interim payment plan would have made the friend realise that she would get her money back but at the very least, being open about her thinking re cancellation. Other than that, unless she was extravagantly splashing out money elsewhere rather than paying double rent, huge solicitors fees, dealing with a troublesome ex and an unemployed teenaged son, nothing!

How lovely that the OP's friends want to treat her to a holiday and how churlish not begrudge her that after such a horrible time. A night away for one's Birthday, paid for by someone else is not extravagant but may be something that gives a boost to the energy to continue life's battles. I hope the OP has a lovely time.