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AIBU or are they?

(33 Posts)
Bashful Wed 07-Jul-21 21:30:20

Have to be careful what I say here as it could be outing.
My grown up son has rented his house for around 4yrs. His DP came to live with him about 3yrs ago and as far as I know didn’t contribute anything to the rent or household expenses. That’s the impression I got as my son said that it doesn’t cost him any more to let his DP live there.
I tend to be of the mind - never interfere in adult children’s lives and leave them to get on with things the way they see fit. However, I will give advice - but only if asked.
His DP’s parents - they have taken over quite a bit, insisting on doing things that need doing in his house. Granted, his DP asked them to. When they said they would do it, my son said that ...No, he would do it when he felt ready and had the time. They then insisted and basically took over. My son seems to be letting them walk all over him and I have said nothing because I feel as an adult, he needs to sort it out himself. It’s his business and not mine.
However, they have suggested that I could help by doing what his DP suggested. I already offered help to my son ages ago concerning the same thing but he said no he would do it.
I feel a bit insulted and feel they are taking over how my son should run his life.
AIBU or are they?

Grandmabatty Wed 07-Jul-21 21:46:03

How are you finding these things out? Is your son complaining about them to you? He's a grown man and can fight his own battles. Don't get involved in family politics as it could backfire on you. You don't know for certain what their financial arrangements are and nor should you. If he complains about them wanting you to do things then tell him you don't want to hear. Practise "Oh dear, that must be difficult. What are you going to do?" And repeat.

Bashful Wed 07-Jul-21 21:58:17

No he’s not complaining to me. He rarely does this if ever. He’s pretty independent and his own man. I always leave him to fight his own battles. You are right it’s none of my business. However, it was my DP’s parents who involved me by asking me to make sure I did so and so for my son and partner when my view is always not to get involved as it’s the young couple’s business not mine. I deliberately don’t get involved as I always had a very interfering MIL in the past. I deliberately haven’t commented. I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable for ignoring their requests or they were being unreasonable for getting too involved in the young couples business.

BlueBelle Wed 07-Jul-21 21:59:17

I totally agree granmabatty there seems a lot of toing and froing of information how are you hearing about all these demands ?
Stay away, if they lived in another area, or another country you wouldn’t have a clue what was going on Totally up to your son to sort his partner and partners parents out, not for you to be concerned about at all

Bashful Wed 07-Jul-21 21:59:20

Sorry typo. “ I should have said my son’s DP’s parents....”

BlueBelle Wed 07-Jul-21 22:04:00

Sorry your post arrived after I sent mine So are the parents in law physically coming to you and telling you what needs
doing ? If so just say of course you ll do what is wanted in the way of help when and if your son asks

Bashful Wed 07-Jul-21 22:05:36

Thanks Bluebell. I think people are missing my question though. There is no too-ing and fro-ing of info. I was in no uncertain terms told by my son’s DP’s parents that I should be getting involved! AIBU for NOT getting involved is what I’m asking. ?

Luckygirl Wed 07-Jul-21 22:07:47

"I am sure my son will ask if he wishes me to help."

Kamiso Wed 07-Jul-21 22:23:15

If the parents ask you again just say something along the lines “I wouldn’t dream of interfering as XXXX is very independent and wouldn’t want me to ?????”

It does get a bit trickier once in-laws/different families come into the equation. Not really a case of being right or wrong just different ideas on parenting and expectations.

Namsnanny Wed 07-Jul-21 22:23:15

No you most certainly aren't! It's a bit cheeky of them imv.

crazyH Wed 07-Jul-21 22:31:48

Bashful, do you mean that they are physically and financially helping them out? I don’t see a problem there. If his DP’s parents have the wherewithal to help, I say, why not? Both my sons’ in-laws do a lot in the house, painting,decorating etc etc. I don’t do a thing, except babysitting occasionally. I hope I’ve understood the situation correctly .

M0nica Wed 07-Jul-21 23:07:02

It is quite unreasonable for your son's partner's family to ask you to do work on the son and DP's house. If they want to do things to the house themselves that is their choice, but they are over stepping the mark if they ask you to do work as well.

If your son is happy for them to take over then, as you say, that is his choice.

If they ask again, make it clear that you think that as your son is a grown man, he should be capable of looking after his own house, if there is the odd job he needs assistance with you will help if you can, but you are not prepared to do work he and his partner can quite easily do for themselves.

I think a line in the sand needs to be drawn now, before they pull you into doing more and more.

Anyway, it is a rented house. Does the landlord know, and has he given permission for them to do work on his house. When I owned a buy to let, I would have taken exception to a tenant doing work on the property and would expect them to get my permission before doin anything.

The DPs parents, if they are so keen, should rather put all the money they are expending into a fund to help them to buy their own house.

eazybee Wed 07-Jul-21 23:29:18

This seems an odd situation to me. Your son rents his house yet is doing work to it, which is surely the responsibility of the landlord. His partner, who apparently makes no contribution to the household expenses is demanding improvements and her parents are attempting to pressure their daughter's partner's mother into contributing to the improvements.
The point is, neither your son nor his partner will benefit financially from the improvements as it is not their property, and it is certainly not the place of the partner's parents to interfere at all, and certainly not to tell you what to do.

Hithere Thu 08-Jul-21 00:49:21

What luckygirl said

welbeck Thu 08-Jul-21 01:13:14

i presume they are lending/giving their child some money towards buying a house, and are suggesting you do the same for your son to increase their joint purchasing power.
it's up to you.
what is the relevance of saying that your son's partner has not contributed to the costs of living with him.
this is not really your business.
you seem far too involved in his private business.
as for the other parents, you don't have to take orders from them. if your son hasn't asked you for help, it's up to you want you want to do. you obviously do not like the partner or their parents, so perhaps you are hoping this union will not last, and don't want to encourage it, make it more permanent by buying property together ?
do what suits you.

Esspee Thu 08-Jul-21 08:40:42

Luckygirl's response is perfect.

I note your son isn't committed enough to the relationship to marry the woman. Frankly I would consider her as a temporary girlfriend.

Bashful Thu 08-Jul-21 08:46:26

Well beck - no-one is contributing money in this situation. Also, the work done is not DIY/ home improvements because it is a rented house.
As a matter of fact I like the DP very much and think she is a good influence on my son. I don’t know her parents too well yet though. They are a different generation from us and seem to think they should do everything for the couple rather than take a step back to let them lead their own lives and only ask for help if necessary. They just seemed to arrive, take over and volunteer opinions on the way my son, my husband and I lead our lives. They are pleasant enough otherwise.

Blossoming Thu 08-Jul-21 08:47:41

They sound very pushy bashful and very cheeky to try and tell you what to do. luckygirl has the perfect answer.

Lucca Thu 08-Jul-21 08:47:46


Luckygirl's response is perfect.

I note your son isn't committed enough to the relationship to marry the woman. Frankly I would consider her as a temporary girlfriend.

I’d question that conclusion, sorry, I know two couples who are now grandparents but they never married !

Bashful Thu 08-Jul-21 08:48:15

Lucky girl - great response thank you. I need to be more assertive.

Bashful Thu 08-Jul-21 08:49:31

Blossoming - thank you, those were my thoughts. Nice to have them confirmed.

Bashful Thu 08-Jul-21 08:52:34

Espee - it’s difficult to know these days whether something is temporary or not as many choose not to get married. It doesn’t mean that they aren’t committed to each other.
In the past I’ve asked my son if she is, “The One,” and he replied, “I don’t know.”

Smileless2012 Thu 08-Jul-21 08:57:55

No you are not being unreasonable Bashful. It's up to you what you do to help and when that help is given. Either Luckygirl's or Kamiso's suggested responses are the way to go.

timetogo2016 Thu 08-Jul-21 09:02:10

No you are nbu,you did exactly what your ds said when you offered to help.

Grandmabatty Thu 08-Jul-21 09:02:26

Your follow up posts give more information so I'll change what I said! I think it's a clash of personality and way of life. Of course you don't have to do what they are telling you to do. Luckygirl has the perfect answer. Just repeat as often as required. I hope things settle down for you.