Family Wedding Invites

How many cousins does the bridegroom have? That may have influenced their decision. My children have only one cousin, but my daughters husband had over thirty! Hence the lack of invitation to cousins

You can’t invite one set without the other

Let it go for now. You will only seem petty. But it’s a lapse in commitment to near family that can be exploited at a later date.

I think times have changed. When I got married we were expected to invite the people that our parents thought should be there, and only invite our close friends for the full day, with more friends in the evening. However, couples themselves didn’t pay for the wedding, parents did, so it was accepted. Now, many young couples pay for all or most of the wedding themselves, and they decide the guest list. Its expensive to invite lots of people for the full day, so they will probably have a limited guest list too. It’s not surprising that they prioritise the people they are closest to, and it sounds like that’s what’s happened here. I think your children need to consider how close they are now to their cousin, and if they were choosing who to invite to their own full day, would they invite her?

I'm amazed at some of the responses here , I can understand the hurt . Some of you have assumed that Bette22 is a distant relative , a fusty old Aunt , her children distant cousins never seen , but I think perhaps their hurt comes from the fact that they are indeed the opposite, a close immediate family that have all grown up together and would have liked to have celebrated a joyful day as a family with other family members .

I've been to family weddings where this has been done to me and have sat beside guests at the table to discover they went to primary school or once worked with the bride but hadn't actually seen them for years but were delighted to reconnect for the wedding .

My sister did this and after a divorce years later those friends that were so 'important ' on her big day are long gone but of course her family are still with her , loving and giving as always .

Indeed Bette22 does say she would understand it if they weren't close and I'm sure she wouldn't care a jot if she had no relationship with her niece at all .
So Bette22 if it's any consolation I do get it .I would be hurt too but like you I would be gracious and accept as it appears you are doing .
Incidentally is this Gransnet or HighSchool Playgroundnet , jeez some of the earlier responses!!!!!

Once weddings were about two families meeting to celebrate the joining of loved ones from each family.
Rightly or wrongly this is no longer the case and much of whatMarathonRunner says is true.
When my DCs were married all the aunts/uncles/ cousins were invited as a priority. When two of the said cousins married one didn’t invite any of our side cousins, but his mother’s nieces and nephews were invited. The other married in an out of the way venue abroad, invited us and only one of our DCs!
I don’t think your being unreasonable, but you do have to go with the flow and rise above your feelings.

OP

What is your definition of "close family"?

If your niece includes her cousins and their families, the number can balloon superfast.

My ma got married post ww2. Small wedding, coupons, rationing. Dad's family lived hundreds of miles away and couldnt afford to come.

Not everyone lives in the same town they grew up in which seems to be a dividing point on here. Not everyone remembers the friends or cousins they played with at primary school even with sleep overs.

And sometimes the area the bride and groom in doesn't provide the facilities they would like or the place they've chosen is convenient for their friends. DC has just got married after several false Covid starts - friends from all over the UK. As PPs have said, if you start inviting cousins DC would have had 2 close, 18 never seen, and spouse 20 and 30 kids only 2 of whom are seen.

OP, get out your hat and dress and just enjoy.

I wasn't assuming her family hadn't seen their cousins since primary school , I read it as they were all very much in close contact and she didnt state her adult children had partners or families of their own . Of course one would have to draw the line if it involved lots of generations but I didn't assume that from her post .

I thought some of the responses were a bit harsh. However, as many posters have pointed out things have changed a lot. When I married many of the guests were family and people my parents wanted to invite. The majority of our friends came to the ‘night do’. If I’m really honest I prefer not to receive an invitation to weddings these days. I live some distance from family and the cost of attending is more than I can afford.

I agree , when my son and lovely daughter in law married the guest list and arrangements were entirely up to them, and they chose a lovely venue that they knew would be easily accessible to their family and friends . It was a lovely day because most guests could leave their cars at home and enjoy the day and get home again in cabs without the added expense of hotels . I was proud of how sensitive they were . They didnt exclude or split up close family members either . They also didnt bother with second or third generations as they wouldn't have had or have in the future contact with them .

It actually was to their advantage really and one guest actually wrote in a card that she could happily afford a bigger monetary gift to them because of it .

It was a fabulous day with close family and friends of the couple and the venue was beautiful .

I can also understand children not being invited , these days the children would outnumber the adult guests .

I guess everyone has a different opinion but this is mine and I do have empathy with Bette22

Let it go for now. You will only seem petty. But it’s a lapse in commitment to near family that can be exploited at a later date.

How can it be exploited? For what purpose? To punish the couple?

Is this what loving families do?

Tbh I dont think any of it is what loving families do but I guess it's that old potato of , if you include me , I'll include you . If you share with me I'll share with you etc etc etc
Sad really .

It’s all down to the Bride and Groom. It’s their day and should be allowed to invite who they wish. No obligation !
I always make it clear that I wouldn’t be offended if I didn’t get an invitation.
We all know how difficult it is to include everyone and weddings are an expensive occassion.
Just go along as a loving aunt and don’t give it another thought.
There’s nothing you can do about it and your children will get over it.

From friends/family of mine that got married (mostly in the years pre-pandemic) many of them whittled down the guest list by asking themselves if they had seen or spoken to the guests in the prior year (out with matches hatches or dispatches). Weddings are expensive and buying a 3 course dinner and drinks for someone you knew as a child but have no meaningful adult relationship with isn’t something that many people can afford these days regardless of tradition.

Bette 22, I understand and sympathise with you for feeling a bit miffed, but as you say, you will attend your niece's wedding and will hide your feelings. It is the bride's big day and none would want to spoil it.
Unfortunately, weddings and funerals are highly emotive occasions, and we can be sensitive about our status on that occasion.
Personally, I've never liked the idea of "the main wedding" and " the evening reception". It feels like guests are being divided into two classes. On two occasions, we experienced the invitation to the evening party, one was my niece and we realised that all the bride's relatives had this invitation, while the groom's were at the main reception. Needless to say, we did not show our feelings but it did seem a bit odd. The second one was the daughter of my DH's friend, the only one present at the wedding.
Although DH was very hurt and upset re the evening invitation, we managed to hide our feelings, saying again it's the bride's day and nothing can be more important.
I'm sure you'll attend and have a great day in spite of your misgivings.
We cannot control our feelings, but we can control how we react to or handle them.

Normal to feel abit miffed.
I do think YABU tho sorry.

It'd be interesting to know when was the last time the niece and cousins actually met/spoke etc.
If it's been a number of years, there's your answer.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to a point. When I got married we invited all of our rather large family’s, including long lost aunts and cousins. The same happened at my cousins weddings. We had a great time catching up.
Having been to a few weddings more recently, it’s not done that way these days. They tend to invite close friends and family instead, mainly due to COVID but also finances.
I am in a similar situation to you in September. We have chosen to rent rooms local to the wedding. I will go to the wedding while the kids investigate the local surroundings and then they will join us later in the evening.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. To me it is very odd that anyone would invite their uncle and aunt but not their cousins.'

If expense was the issue, it would have been better not to invite any of you, or invite you all only to the evening do.

However, it is better than what happened to us at my niece's wedding. We were both invited and the bride was quite rude to my husband for no reason at all. He left, saying to me that he could not stay where he wasn't welcome, nor could he bring himself to argue with a bride on her wedding day, but that I should stay.

Frankly, I would have preferred to leave too. We haven't accepted any invitations from them since, I may say, nor do we intend to waste good money on travel and hotel to be treated rudely.

What a shame grandtanteJE65 and what a very strange way to behave.

Bette22 good morning. ?

There is such pressure on arranging weddings isn’t there? As a bride and groom there are usually lots of compromises to be made and, in my experience, that includes making choices that may not go down well.

I sometimes feel that I am almost a professional wedding guest. In addition to having a huge number of nephews and nieces I have an extended ‘family’ of young adults who regard me as a closer family member than say an aunt or a cousin. These include my Godchildren, foster children, people who have lodged with me and youngsters that I’ve been an ‘agony aunt’ to. When they get married we are always invited to the main ‘do’, I’m often asked to do a reading and sometimes I’ve been asked to sit on the top table. I’m always conscious that there will be many people at these weddings wondering who on earth my husband and I are that we get such special treatment - and on one occasion was actually challenged by a guest. Eeek!

It’s understandable that you want your children to enjoy this special day, but your lovely niece has probably agonised about how to fit everybody in and this was the best she could do. If you can afford it why don’t you treat your children to a room so that they can attend the evening ‘do’ with you?

Not sure why you feel hurt? Unless you are paying for some/part of wedding it really is up to whoever is paying for it all. Maybe you could pay for your children to book in to a hotel nearby?

I do feel for you, as any kind of rejection is hard, and especially so if it is someone rejecting your children. But don't forget that we can't all be closet friends with everyone, and in this case there were others the happy couple would prefer to be there.

Wedding guest lists can be an absolute nightmare! At the end of the day, the couple should be able to invite who they really want at their wedding, and that's usually close family, and lots of good friends who they spend time with, not cousins who they have grown apart from.

When my DS & DiL married, they did invite aunts & uncles, but only one or two cousins, who they wanted there. All of my husband's siblings (he has 4) have at least 3-4 adult children themselves (my son's cousins), some with partners, and children of their own. One of my husband's brothers took offence, and declined the invite, because his four adult children, who my son used to spend a lot of time with when they were growing up, but has had very little to do with since childhood, weren't invited! Frankly, my son didn't give two hoots, but it did make for some awkwardness within the family, especially from my MiL!

Many of us have grown up with our cousins, who were probably amongst some of our first friends, but by the time we go to high school, throughout our teens, and beyond, we often go our separate ways, and often have very little to do with them.

I do understand why the OP feels the way she does, as most of us would be a little upset, and feel left out, if we, or our children, weren't included in a family wedding, but I do appreciate and understand why. Weddings are usually ridiculously expensive occasions, and venues have a maximum limit on the number of guests. If my DS & DiL had to invite all of their cousins/partners they would not have been able to invite all of their close friends who they spend time with, and who they have known for many years. Couples don't generally leave people off their wedding guest lists out of spite, it's often down to the cost, and how many guests they are allowed at their chosen venue. So, why should they invite a family member, who they have little to do with, over inviting a good friend who they spend a lot of time with?

If I were the OP, I'd go along to the wedding and enjoy it with the rest of the family. Your children are adults now, and they have still been invited to the evening if they wish to attend.

On that note, I do agree with another poster who mentioned that she dislikes the whole 'day-do/evening-do', and couples have to decide which guests get to spend all day at the wedding. My DS & DiL had a very late afternoon ceremony, followed by dinner, a live instrumental band playing throughout, then speeches, followed by DJ/party until the wee small hours. No separate day-time/night-time invites, and it worked perfectly.

I just think its nice to be invited. It dosent matter if your children are not. Its the bride and grooms day after all and I know its a nightmare who to invite and who not. Just go and enjoy it.
My niece is getting married next year and my DH and I and my DB and SIL are invited my other DBs and DS's are only invited to the evening do but they are all ok with that as they love our DN not matter what and want her to have a lovely time which is what its all about really.

Haven’t been to any weddings for ages, but can remember that if you were invited to the ‘day’ do, especially if it were an 11am or noon wedding, by the time 7 or 8 pm had arrived and the ‘evening’ do started, I was ready for home! Still full from the meal and drinks, and talked out. Plus the obligatory DJ commencing with oh-so-loud music, couldn’t hear yourself speak, and being ‘encouraged’ onto the dance floor at every touch and turn.

My bed seemed inviting!