Family Wedding Invites

Bette22 I am sorry you are hurt but we cannot help our feelings. You are being honest about how you feel . Please take all the comments here lightly and don't be more hurt by the comments. I am sure you will enjoy the day and your DC have to make their own decision re the evening do. Weddings have certainly changed since our day.I remember a certain number of my parents friends who I didnt really know. My parents footed the entire bill .I hope by the time the occasion arrives you will have had time to work through how you feel and be able to relax and enjoy the day. We cannot help our feelings so certainly don't feel bad about how you feel.

Daughter went to a friend's wedding absolutely nowhere near where either of the couple had connections. Certainly no family lived near there. 'We've found a lovely venue' was the explanation prior to the event.
Though school and uni friends were scattered to the 4 winds, I did think it odd.

Could you all get a minibus and just go for the evening might work out more reasonable that way ? As a nice compromise?

I do think you are being a little unreasonable. If others in your family are being treated the same, then I don’t think you have cause to be hurt - it’s just logistics. Weddings are expensive and if you invite absolutely everyone, the costs spiral. Your children have been invited to the evening celebrations and it’s unfortunate if the venue is too far away for them to attend, but they haven’t been deliberately left out - it’s really not the responsibility of the bride and groom to cover the cost of accommodation.

I am sure Bette22 and her children wouldn't feel hurt if they were not a close family .She did say they all lived close by so I'm guessing that they do see a lot of each other . Who would be that bothered if they were distant .

Its interesting to see the assumptions made in some of the comments that they no longer had a close connection.
It is also sad that it seems the extended family network is no longer important or relevant today . As I've got older I've come to realise that all but a handful of friends endure but your family are your family all of your life .

Goodness - much more going on these days to worry about - poor brides and grooms so many choices that have to be made. If this is all you have to be concerned about you are very lucky!

Also there may be othetr Aunts and Uncles whose adult children have not been invited so to invite those from one family means others would expect to be included. All difficult but the Couple are free to make their own decisions depending on cost and size of venue.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.
But as others have said, weddings have changed so much. When I got married, we invited 100 guests, who were mainly family. Who we didn’t see from one year to the next. Our friends came to the evening do.
I think back then, the wedding was about the family as well as the bride and groom. But times have changed, now it’s all about the happy couple and what they want from their day. And let’s face it, wedding cost a fortune now. Unfortunately now, wedding also cost the guests an awful lot of money.

So, go to the wedding and enjoy the day and don’t take it to heart.

I thought Covid would have put paid to all this stupid nonsense about big weddings and feeding lots of people you don't really know. Is there not a trend now for smaller gatherings and having a larger party if you have to later on. Really stylish brides now seem to be going in for the smaller wedding, hiring the dress and as much of the other trappings as they can to keep costs down and be seen as sensible. Don't feel miffed for people who are not really close family i.e. cousins and be glad that you have been invited.

Bette22

I dont think I'm making it about my feelings tbh , I get your point , but she grew up alongside her cousins and spent whole weekends here on sleepovers etc . I would understand it better if she wasnt close to them and would 100% agree with you if so

She obviously doesn’t feel close to them now.

You are being unreasonable. A wedding is about the couple, not a “family event”.

Not everyone appreciates their wedding being used as a family reunion on their dime.

Summerlove 11:37

You nailed it.

This forum is getting aggressive. All of Social Media is getting aggressive now. It was all help and nice advice at the beginning of Covid cut everyone has very quickly reverted. You can tell people they are wrong without being so nasty about it.

Wondering if she hasn't invited anyone, not just your kids, who have children to the day

Their wedding, their guest list, their choice...
Yes, it seems hurtful, but couples have to make hard decisions regarding their weddings and at least your children (their cousins) have been invited to the evening "do".
It is entirely up to you whether you accept the invitation or graciously decline and send a lovely present or a cheque instead, given the closeness of your relationships.

And maybe they have chosen the venue because it is special to them and they want to share it with their wider family?

Personally, I am saddened by the moving away from a wedding in a local church followed by a reception at home or in a nice hotel nearby, but it is what it is and couples are free to make a lot more choices than I had, back in the day, when it was church or register office.

In your situation, I would be inclined to travel as a family. Not sure what day of the week it's on, but I would stay in a b and b all together. And drive home next day. Lifes too short, to worry about the details

My nephew grew up with me, his Auntie, round the corner from him.. He often spent time with my children. When he was doing GCSE s I coached him in science. His cousins invited him and his partner to their wedding, even in the same year. For his wedding, he excluded not only his cousins but also me, his Auntie. He comes from a wealthy family. I was upset as were his cousins. I tried hard not to let it show, although I may not have been completely successful. It was a pity, but as time goes by, you just put it to the back of your mind and forget all about it . So that’s my advice. It won’t seem so important later on.

When DS and DiL got married they asked me if they should invite various people from my side of the family. I told them to invite who they wanted to and not bother with the relatives they hardly know and never see. DiL has a very large family and they are very close. My family is much smaller and not at all close. If anyone was offended by not being included, tough! One cousin was invited but got a better offer the week before and didn't come and didn't even let them know! Sadly that's my family! I actually feel closer to some of my DiL's family than my own. I have more in common with them and love spending time with them. The cost of a wedding is huge and when you invite a lot of people you are constrained by what you can afford and the size of the venue so it's important to have the people who matter most to you, particularly mutual friends. If a wedding is a long way away with the need for an overnight stay then you have to decide if you can afford it. If not there is no point complaining, you just politely decline!

I would suggest that on reflection you will be able to see how wonderful and respectful it is about your time of caring for her when she was younger that is reflected in the invitation.

I also think times have changed - when I got married many years ago I had to have a huge amount of family there and was only “allowed” 6 of my friends to attend. If I do get married again I would want the whole thing to be very different.

Cousins do become increasingly distant and independent. I think it’s lovely that they have been included in the evening and most of my cousins would probably prefer that than attend the whole day!

Feel honoured rather than upset

The last wedding invitation we got was to a friend's wedding where we were invited to the church, and then to the evening "do" but not the meal in the middle (not sure what we were supposed to do with the rest of the day - it rained heavily by the way). It was 200 miles away and would have been expensive in terms of hotel, travel, new outfit, present, etc. so we decided not to go and just sent them our apologies and a present. In your shoes, I would look for accommodation for you and your children for a long weekend, where you can all stay together and take advantage of the opportunity to spend time together; you could hire one of those people carrier taxis to take you all and pick you up later, to allow you to stay farther away in a cheaper place? You could always say that you'll all come to the evening "do" and give the couple the opportunity to invite someone-else to the wedding itself ? try not to get upset about it. So much "unfinished business" arises at family weddings and funerals (the last funeral I went to was a complete slanging match - very sad).

This is why I do not like weddings ??

You are being totally unreasonable - people do weddings according to their ideas of the perfect day and not what the guests think - there are always choices to be made with weddings and your niece has included her cousins and your children have made their choice which is not to go - where there’s a will there’s a way - if your adult children felt so close to their cousin as you seem to believe they would make an effort and overcome the difficult logistics and be at the wedding. I’m afraid this is all about your feelings - you want a family occasion and you want your niece to provide it - by the way have you even considered whether the groom has cousins and whether they’ve been treated the same way? If family is so important you should encourage your adult children to accept the invitation.

family occasions are few and far between these days and we would loved to have celebrated their day as a family. Its spoilt it for me tbh

It's not about whether you want a family occasion. It's their wedding to celebrate with those they want to.

I feel you're being really unfair. My son is getting married and they have decided to use a wedding venue half way between both parents, a beautiful place but no where any of us have ever been before. They have also had to make decisions on who to invite, who they see, friends, relatives etc but with prices per person for the wedding breakfast being so high it is not only expensive but difficult when trying to stick to numbers and a budget. I live in Scotland and was only invited to the evening of a cousin in the south, I still went, to share the time with them. Maybe you could give your children your invite and you attend the evening in their place.

I would not travel 400 miles for an evening event as it appears ?this is just the evening ??? your children, cousins of the bride. are invited to and NOT the ceremony followed by reception. and traditional cutting of the cake.
I would have expected your children, brides cousins? and very close to her , to have been invited which would have made travelling and booking into a hotel /B&B worthwhile.

My only nice got married in Canada at a, ski resort. We are in UK so no family went. It was her choice, the photos are beautiful and we are all happy that she had the day she wanted without any relatives. It's the couples day, they should choose who is present.