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Is fifty years not enough?

(118 Posts)
Quizzer Sun 19-Sep-21 14:43:58

Am I being unreasonable to expect my husband to mark our Golden Wedding in some way. We are comfortably off but he has never been good at buying presents usually saying “you buy something for yourself”. However I had hoped that on this special occasion he might make the effort. He did buy a card, but an ordinary anniversary card not one for a golden wedding. That was it, nothing else.
I had bought him an expensive special present that I knew he had admired but when I received nothing that day, not even a bunch of supermarket flowers, I didn’t give it to him and have since returned it to the shop. Maybe not the right thing to do, perhaps I should have embarrassed him by giving it. It just makes me feel unappreciated.

grannyactivist Mon 20-Sep-21 16:52:16

Quizzer I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to be disappointed, but I do think perhaps you might have been a little more proactive in communicating that you wanted or expected something special to mark the occasion. In your shoes I would have been explicit about my hopes or expectations of the day.

As a family we have different sensibilities about gifts and cards. I know that I’m overly sensitive about cards - my son once (only once mind) sent me a ‘funny’ card for my birthday and I was ‘not amused’. My birthday was often overlooked when I was a child and on my 13th birthday my mum forgot and then gave me the money to go out and get my own card! It’s become a family joke that only once have all my biological children managed to send me a birthday card to arrive in time for my birthday. On the other hand my ‘additional’ children (i.e. Godchildren, foster children etc.) do usually make a special effort.

As regards gifts; if I think that my husband has been remiss in not buying me gifts when appropriate I’m not the slightest bit bothered as I buy something for myself and then tell him he owes me what it cost. For my birthday a few weeks back I bought myself a brand new (not charity shop) tunic, which my husband admired when I wore it for the first time and immediately said he’d pay for it as his birthday gift. I also treat myself to flowers if he hasn’t bought me any for a while and then tell him how much he owes me. He always pays up quite happily and usually with an apology for not buying them himself. ??

Secondwind Mon 20-Sep-21 17:15:11

I can understand your disappointment, particularly if your anniversary is something you’ve always celebrated. I never did, but I think that even I would have pushed the boat out to mark 50 years! Do you have any family at all that might be able support him/strong arm him into buying gifts in future?

JTelles7 Mon 20-Sep-21 17:33:19

Most old men! The young men of today are far more appreciative of their partners

Oofy Mon 20-Sep-21 17:35:41

It’s our 41st wedding anniversary today. DH didn’t remember. I did, but just said “Happy Anniversary”, but as he is running around looking after me with Covid, making nice meals that I feel like eating, I felt actions speak louder than words.
We had a lovely picnic, just the 2 of us and the dog, in a pretty valley near us, for our 40th last year, not the friends and family party in the garden that we had planned. He bought me a bunch of flowers, which was nice, but I didn’t buy him anything.

Oofy Mon 20-Sep-21 17:41:10

Oops a daisy
We do the perpetual card thing too! Found a lovely card of 2 people skiing years ago, and thought it couldn’t be bettered! Now we just put a cross through last year and add the current year. An aunt and uncle of mine did the same thing and I thought it was a lovely idea

wot Mon 20-Sep-21 18:15:14

You should have made it clear, the fact that it was a huge landmark that you have made it together for 50 years. Also, you should be grateful that you have made it this far! I find your complaints quite annoying.

eazybee Mon 20-Sep-21 18:58:29

I think it is sad that he didn't regard a fiftieth anniversary as something special.
Fifty years together is an achievement.

Harris27 Mon 20-Sep-21 18:59:56

I’d go out and spend some money on something you really liked but wouldn’t normally buy and say “ look this is what I’m worth” ?

Happysexagenarian Mon 20-Sep-21 19:38:21

I'd have been absolutely furious if my DH 'didn't bother' for such a very special occasion!

After the year we've all had the fact that you're both still here to share your anniversary is in itself worth celebrating. So many other people have lost their partners this year. Tell him in no uncertain terms how very hurtful his disinterest is, and also that you bought him a very nice gift and returned it because he's so mean and thoughtless.

I would not accept a belated card, gift or event because it would be pointless now, the damage has been done.

queenofsaanich69 Tue 21-Sep-21 01:41:25

Do you have children ? Mine always organize their Dad,before that it wasn’t good,I just buy myself what I would like and buy him what I think he would like.Sorry you had a sad time,just book a trip for both of you and tell him it’s your Anniversary celebration ?

Jaibee007 Tue 21-Sep-21 08:53:34

I'd book myself a table at the Ivy or similar, have the most expensive dinner and wine there on my own, but myself a wickedly expensive new dress and send him all the bills. But tbh I wouldn't have stayed married to this uncaring man for so long

seadragon Tue 21-Sep-21 09:14:10

We agreed to mark our Golden Wedding last month by having a small family gathering with folk coming to stay for a week. I bought a little Golden hedgehog for him because he played me the Hedgehog song by the Incredible String Band on our second date and I'd been looking for a suitable ceramic hedgehog to give him ever since. It ended up on the celebration cake as the cake maker was called away and had only time to make the cake but not to decorate it. DH has occasionally bought me a present over the years or a card but by and large celebrations and gift buying are mainly 'my job' so I discuss any plans with him and make compromises such as not going away for our GW as he has become something over a recluse in recent years, especially since the pandemic. He therefore knew there was a big celebration in the offing and so asked me to choose something from a particular designer catalogue as a present from him. I actually chose a pair of Limited Edition dungarees which were far too big and had to be sent back. The smaller size was sold out. I'm not bothered about getting something else. The gathering was a mixed bag with some major 'downs' as well as 'ups'... but it was memorable. He has supported me through illnesses and a demanding career and been a good father. I wanted to celebrate and he went along with my plans. We discussed it and he agreed my plans which were modified to suit him. I think that was enough and doubt if I'll replace the dungarees with anything else as I've not seen anything I like as much.....yet!

Urmstongran Tue 21-Sep-21 09:29:04

Kim19 glad you returned your 'gift' without him knowing. Kind of conditional, wasn't it? Not much joy in that for a either of you.

Agree Kim19 and to mention it after the event is somewhat passive-aggressive in my opinion.

Your husband has never made a fuss on ‘Hallmark’ anniversaries. How come you expected him to, really? You might have hoped but neither of you discussed the event nor chatted about ‘doing something’ to mark it.

Leopards don’t change their spots. You knew really didn’t you?

As others have said you’ve had 50 happy years together which counts more than a fuss on one day.

travelsafar Tue 21-Sep-21 13:48:17

If that had been me i would have been incredibly sad that such a special occasion was not remembered. Not many people get to 50 years now adays..... so many people lost their partners due to Covid and other illness....that to not mark it is awful. Even if you dont always get a long but have managed to stay together surely that must mean something. My heart goes out to this poor lady. Do you have friends and family? Did any of them send cards and gifts i wonder. I have seen photos and tributes in our local paper which to me indicates it is a great achievement.

kittylester Tue 21-Sep-21 14:07:43

Dh wasn't brilliant at present buying when we first got married but he has got much better with time.

NotSpaghetti Tue 21-Sep-21 18:13:17

Please come back Quizzer

HolySox Tue 21-Sep-21 19:39:46

He gave you a card.
You gave him nothing.
So who's in the wrong?
As others have said, enjoy each other while you can.