To include son in will

It sounds as if your late husband did not like the idea of your son marrying a girl from a council estate as he had stereotyped them all as spongers, and your dil as just waiting to get her greedy mitts on his money.

When in fact it is your own daughter who seems to have been working her way through your savings, and is now determined to hog as much of the remainder as possible.

There seems to be only one greedy spongers in this sad tale, and it is not your dil.

Maddiedu

I do love him and my gc I don't want to go against my dh wishes and have outsiders taking our money and leaving our family high and dry

I think it is very sad that your DiL has been with your son for 20 years and is still considered an outsider?
How long would they have to be together for her to be family? 30 years? 40 years?
Your money, your choice, but personally I’d treat my DS/DD equally in the will, anything else would in my opinion be very hurtful to your son who doesn’t appear to have done anything wrong other than have a longstanding relationship.

And what would stop your daughter marrying again in the future? All the inheritance might end up with a SiL you’ve just not met yet!! Your GC could end up with nothing?

Maddiedue
Did you post on this matter before, the story sounds familiar? Apologies if it wasn't you.
I find it very strange that you would favour your DD rather than your son.
Surely any assets that are gifted to AC are for the benefit of the family of the adult child, if he or she has a family.
Your DD has already done well by you and your deceased DH. Now it is your DSs turn to benefit. The "fairness" aspect is tipping in favour of your daughter, and it seems to me she is very much "feathering her own nest".
It is your decision but I think it is your duty/opportunity to right this wrong or it could be a painful legacy awaiting your DS and could lead to much animosity between your two AC.
Good luck in working out a fair solution. See a solicitor independently, you don't have to share this with your DD.

I bet your dd is clever ! Clever at being controlling! Making sure she gets what she wants financially from you both.
Help with 3 houses and a divorced paid for.
You will be saying next, you bought the house outright she as NO MORTGAGE??
Did dh say this when she got married, she wasn’t to be left anything because SIL would benefit from your hard working money
He wound impregnate dd and she’d pop kids out so that he wouldn’t leave her?

You sound as bad as the other two (dh&dd)
So selfish.
How can you live with yourself leaving one child out ?

Is ds the black sheep of the family? because it certainly sounds it.

Is DIL so horrible that you all dislike her?
As she actually fleeced ds in the 20 yrs off being with him?
What your saying is, she’s only waiting for his inheritance from you, so she can go on a spending spree.

I’m sorry but you dh is no longer with you
His money became yours when he died, otherwise he’d off put xxx in trust for dd on his death.

You don’t know what you would off done without dd
But by god your paying for it now
She’s controlling .
Your poor son, if he only knew what your all saying

In your position I'd be leaving more to my son to take into account the money my D had already received

I agree with what Smileless said.

But the more I read your posts, the more I think that if I were your son, I wouldn’t want a penny from you.

The way you all have treated him throughout is life is utterly unforgivable, and no amount of money can make up for it.

You’re not even entirely sure if splitting the money 50/50 between your son and daughter is the right thing to do!

The right thing to do would be to give your son exactly what you have given to your daughter who has thrown it all away over the years, and leave what remains to be split 50/50 between them.

It won’t ever make up for treating your son as the “lesser” child, but at least you’d be doing the right thing by him in some way.

Maddiedu, I get the impression that your late husband and your daughter have convinced you that you are incapable of managing your finances, which I can’t imagine are very complicated. Both of them have also convinced you that your dil is a bad lot because she came from a council estate and her family claimed benefits, but presumably that isn’t the sort of life she herself lives, having been with your son for 20 years and given you grandchildren. Yet she is described as an outsider after all this time and your husband instilled in you a fear that she might somehow get her hands on ‘family money’ and that this money must stay in the family at all costs. But as has already been said, when your daughter got divorced some of the money she had been given presumably went to her ex-husband?

I also get the impression that your daughter is controlling your money now and doles a bit out to you when you ‘need’ it, with you having no idea how much money you have or where it is. I hope I’m wrong, but could your daughter be trying to get you to leave everything to her so that your son doesn’t get to see what she has been helping herself to? In other words, is she stealing from you? From what you have said, she wouldn’t see her brother and his children were all right.

Your husband wanted the money left to the children. In my opinion you should do what Dinahmo suggested - half each, but deduct from your daughter’s share an amount equal to what she has been given over the years and whatever she may have helped herself to. That’s completely fair.

You definitely need to see a solicitor to make a will, and don’t allow your daughter to go with you or dictate what is in it. You also need to talk urgently to your bank about your financial situation. I hope you know which bank your husband used? If not a solicitor can help you. The money may be spread about but the bank your husband used should be where you start. You need the bank’s help to regain control over your money and to start managing it for yourself. They will be able to help you do this. You are perfectly capable of doing it, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Maybe your son can come along with you for support? I think you should be confiding in him and I’m sure he can help you to take back control from your daughter. I don’t believe she has been acting in anyone’s best interests but her own. You are not betraying your husband in doing this. He would not want your daughter to be abusing you in the way that I believe she is. Feel free to PM me if you wish to discuss anything in confidence. I’m a retired solicitor and can’t give you legal advice but you can message me in complete confidence. Sadly, I have seen this situation before in a professional capacity - and it was the daughter who was helping herself to the money on the basis that mum ‘couldn’t manage’.

What an utterly unpleasant family your DIL married into. I do hope she hasn't had to suffer you to much.

I think what we have here is a case of elder abuse where an older person's financial affairs are being controlled by someone else without her consent.

The OP needs to contact Age UK or their local CAB to discuss this issue. In theory the daughter could be charged and prosecuted if this is the case. This however is very rare, but they can be excluded from having any control over the OP's money.

I don't think it is that rare at all

I am shocked. After 20 years, your DIL is still classed as an outsider? Surely she is a loved and respected family member.

Leave all your money to your DIL, sounds like she deserves it.

MerrylStreep Yes all relates the first question. But the other questions raise a bit of detail about what "access" really means. I hope that Maddie is able to consider the answers very carefully!

Madgran
As it’s obvious that the OP didn’t have a scoobie doo what their financial situation was when her husband was alive I believe it’s more than likely that money was hidden when the husband’s estate was settled.
I believe that this is the reason the daughter doesn’t want further scrutiny of her fathers finances.

Merryl I hope that Maddie is able to consider the implications to whatever answers there are to the questions! That is why I asked the questions

I can’t believe you are asking this question The answer sticks out like a sore thumb! Totally agree with SueDonim

It has however drummed up a lot of responses which always makes me a bit suspicious.

I've read every comment and noticed no one commented on this statement from the OP which, in addition to other things already discussed, bothered me a great deal:

My DH spent a lot of time caring for his parents knowing if he did we would have money to leave DC.

It implies his intentions were, in large part, financially motivated. That made my stomach churn. I helped care for my grandmother and my mom because I LOVED them. Period. Gads, nobody is OWED money from parents upon their deaths. It's a gift bestowed and should never be expected or demanded.

Gmarie
I read it, just didnt bother commenting on it

Yes, me too….and she’s not going anywhere

Hithere Everyone has made so many other good points and given helpful advice. It's just been a frustrating read, as much of that advice appears to be unheeded. Also, I have a headache so am a bit cranky already. Going to make some .

I commented on that, Gmarie.

Oh gmarie; I am living this right now with my Grandmother.

I have spent the last 6 years caring for her while her 3 sons sit and do NOTHING. I know that I will get nothing when she dies and I do not want it. My greedy mother, however, is already counting money and the poor woman is not gone yet.

Right now my family is trying to find the cheapest assisted living facility they can for her.

I am estranged with my mother, however have been forced contact recently due to my caring for my grandmother. She has not changed a bit.

I am peaceful because I know that they may all get the money, I will have something none of them do. I have a close, loving relationship with her born out of the fact that I am the only one who wants nothing from her.

Ask your solicitor about a Discretionary Trust. This will allow you to leave 50% of your estate to your son during his lifetime and then it goes to his children. This could be one way of excluding your daughter-in -law but a solicitor can explain how it’d work. Might be a way forward?
Overall, your DD has benefitted so much so far, it would be cruel to leave out your son. Death & money does funny things to people. We’ve all read the stories in the press! Do you really want to have your children at each other’s throats? Even if your son is passive, your DIL might not be! It could cause all sorts of issues and your grandchildren might suffer from the fall out.
See a solicitor!

Do you lack confidence to make an appointment or visit a solicitors office alone? Are you not able to do this?
You can ask for a home visit and the Will can be drawn up/ signed and stored without your daughter interfering or knowing what’s in the Will. Can you do this?
Maybe you’ve made the mistake of allowing your daughter full access and control of your money/bank statements? Are you afraid her? It sounds like she’s bullying you.

Why don’t you gift your son some money now ? To start to balance up amounts given to your daughter over the years.
Stop being so bitter about dil ~ she’s been there for your son for 20 years & is mother to your GC.

Please post again to let us know you are going to attempt to even things up.

Goodness what a horrible way to behave towards your son who has done nothing wrong! It is your DD that seems to be the money grabbing unfairly advantaged child. Your DH sounds like he engaged in coercive behaviour. Your DS must feel awful about this. Take some control for goodness sake. They were wrong!

freedomfromthepast