To include son in will

Dinahmo

Maddiedu

I do love him and my gc I don't want to go against my dh wishes and have outsiders taking our money and leaving our family high and dry

I'm shocked to read the above comment. Surely your DIL is part of your family? Her children (being your son's also) are part of your family too. to refer to your DIL as an outsider, after 20 years?

It seems to me that your daughter (doesn't seem right to call her your DD) has had help with buying 3 houses whereas your Son I assume, didn't have any.

You say that your daughter is clever because she went to uni. That doesn't mean thing. She may be intelligent and passed exams but many people who haven't been to uni are clever in all sorts of ways.

Your daughter says that if you leave everything to her she will see your son and his family alright. I would not trust her to do that at all, given her previous record.

We used to know a man whose father, aged 80+, when his first wife died (of more than 50 years) married a woman who supposedly had been a sweetheart in his youth. The man died within a year. He hadn't made a new will because he said his new wife would see his children right. New wife had children of her own.

New wife inherited his whole estate and his children received nothing from her. They were an old army family, with generals in the 19th century etc etc. She would not even give them family memorabilia, such as portraits and furniture that 19th century officers took on their travels. There was nothing that they could do.

To be honest if I was you, I would work out the value of your estate add to it the amount of money your daughter has already had, divide the total and the deduct the money that your daughter has already had, from her share.

To explain in numbers:

Value of your estate 100,000
Already given to daughter 20,000
_
Total 120,000
Half to son 60,000
_
Half to daughter 60,000
Less amount already given 20,000
_
Amount physically given to
daughter 40,000
_

This seems very fair.

By the way, since you were the sole beneficiary of your DH's estate, the work to get probate would not have been difficult.

This is exactly what I have done.
Example
Estate valued at £100,000
Amount already gifted to one child £10,000
Give other two children £10,000 upon my death
Divide remaining £80,000 equally between my three children

My solicitor has approved my calculations, although he has encouraged me to spend enough money on myself to bring my “ estate” below IHT levels!

gmarie

I've read every comment and noticed no one commented on this statement from the OP which, in addition to other things already discussed, bothered me a great deal:

My DH spent a lot of time caring for his parents knowing if he did we would have money to leave DC.

It implies his intentions were, in large part, financially motivated. That made my stomach churn. I helped care for my grandmother and my mom because I LOVED them. Period. Gads, nobody is OWED money from parents upon their deaths. It's a gift bestowed and should never be expected or demanded.

gmarie that rather shocked me too! The idea of only taking care of someone purely for financial gain ... absolutely appalling!

I took care of my terminally ill mum, and then my dad, more recently. When mum passed away, dad renewed his Will, and said he was splitting it equally 3 ways, between myself (his only child) and my two children (his only GCs). However, I did what I did, caring for them both through sheer love and thanks that my mum & dad had been wonderful, caring parents, and I appreciated everything they'd ever done for me. I didn't want/need anything from them, and told my dad I would prefer it if he left his estate 50/50 to his GCs, whom he adored.

This is what he did, and both of his GC will be eternally grateful to their grandad for helping them financially, to get a foot on the ladder so to speak. Oh, and he would never have dreamt of trying to prevent my DiL (my DS's wife) from jointly benefitting ... she is a very much loved part of our family. Although, of course, they'd all much rather still have their lovely grandad.

So sad, the way some families are only interested in what they can gain, financially, out of a relationship.

I also agree with Teacheranne & Dinahmo. Give your son the amount that your DD has already received, then split the remainder equally between them. Better still, split the remainder equally between all of your grandchildren. Your DD has already had her fair share!

As a matter of interest, is the OP sure that she's never signed anything that she didn't realise what it was, such as a Power of Attorney form, allowing her DD the right to control her finances/health care decisions, in the event the OP became unable to ...? If there's any chance this is the case, before the need should arise, I would most definitely be amending the name of the person who has POW rights, perhaps to her DS, or a trusted relative/friend.

And, one other point, when OP makes her Will, I'd suggest she appoints someone other than her DD or DS as the executors. It's never a good idea to appoint family members/beneficiaries if there are already issues about how the estate should be split. Appoint trustworthy family/friend who have no claim, and do not stand to benefit in any way from the estate.

Nansnet I agree. I looked after an aunt and uncle knowing I would receive nothing in their wills. I loved them dearly and did it in memory of what they were to me. I looked after another relative, who I knew had included me in his will, but I did it for love not the money.

On the subject of Executors, despite the cost I would advise appointing the solicitor as executor. One of DH's relatives appointed him as a 'neutral' executor when there was a difficult relationship between his 2nd wife and his daughter by his first marriage. It was absolutely horrendous. The wills were all right and tight and clear but the daughter demanded things that were not in the house, and had presumably been sold years before because we had never seen them, and then accused us both of theft, she spread stories of our 'dishonesty' round the wider family. Few believed her but a few did and it was all most unpleasant.

Whoops! That should read 'POA' rights, not 'POW'!

I really feel so sorry for your son and Daughter in law, it sounds like your daughter just wants it all, if you make a new will and include your son/DIL, please make sure you leave it with a solicitor and it is know as your final will and destroy any other former written wills , so this one would be the only one ,

Have we heard back from original poster at all?

Not for a while but yes if you look back through the thread.

I find this post hard to relate to. I cannot imagine being willing to hurt your son this way. Especially to go along with a deceased partners prejudice towards her daughter. I do not think trying to prevent the Dil 'getting her hands on' their money is a good argument.

Coming from a family where my siblings were preferred and provided for over me (for no reason I might add. It was always so) I really feel that this is just an excuse for favouritism.

OP

Were you also treated like an outsider, when after having kids?
How would it feel if your husband have all the money and assets to your daughter directly, bypassing you?

Interesting point about POA. It is a conscious thing to ask your POA to start managing your affairs, so the OP would have had to write her wishes when appointing.

My aunt is 84 and has recently appointed me and her friend for both health and financial affairs. During a recent chat she was upset I didn't know the home she'd asked to go into when and if it happens - all I have had are the documents from the Office of the Public Guardian.

She asked me to ring her solicitor who explained when my aunt wants us to start our POA duties, the one copy of the document she holds with her 'wishes' will be passed to one of us. Apparently important this one document isn't duplicated in any way so bank accounts etc opened in her name are easily traceable.

Wow I can't believe I'm reading this . Your daughter in law has been with your son 20 years and they have children ? Your frightened she's going to run off with his inheritance?
So if your daughter meets someone and marries them after you've gone that won't happen .
As for ensuring she will make sure your son and grandchildren will benefit , please , who will be there to make sure that happens .
Leave your son and grandchildren their share , your daughters had more than hers by the sounds of it .
I wouldn't let your daughter make any more financial decisions for you , sounds like they're only in her favour .
Get some proper advice and leave it in trust to your son and grandchildren if you're that worried .
How about son , he may run off with his wife's family inheritance!!!!

MarathonRunner "As for ensuring she will make sure your son and grandchildren will benefit , please , who will be there to make sure that happens" .

Exactly! The OP even mentioned that her DD had suggested it would be best to leave the whole of the estate to her, so that she could sort it out 'fairly', and see her brother right. She said, rather than leaving it to just her GCs, as that would mean DD's one child would have 50%, and DS's two children would have 50% (25% each) On the surface, that's sounds like DD is being kind, and not wishing for her child to benefit more than the other two GCs. However, we all know that there is absolutely no reason why DD's child would automatically receive more ... It's up to the OP how she divides her estate in her Will ... just split it equally, 3 ways, between all three GCs!

Germanshephersmum I think you have given OP the best advice. I only hope she takes it. As for the daughter, words fail me.

Notwithstanding I do believe the op is only looking for justification in leaving all to the daughter, surely the son will have the right to appeal the will if he is totally excluded especially as the daughter has already has significant assistance ?

Thank you travelnan. Nansnet also made a very good point as to whether a POA has unwittingly been signed. I hope the OP will come back. The more I think about it, the more I believe she should ask for her son’s help in sorting out the finances. I think she has been so brainwashed by her late husband and daughter into thinking she can’t manage money, the thought of doing so probably overwhelms her. She is clearly an articulate lady who has just done what she has been told for so many years, it’s difficult for her to realise now that she’s more than capable and that she doesn’t have to be told what to do.

No, TerryM, if she’s mentally capable when the Will is made and he isn’t financially dependent on her, as he obviously isn’t, he would not have grounds to challenge the will unless he could prove it was made under duress - well nigh impossible and a very expensive business.

I don't think that money should always be split equally but in this case I think it is right to do so.

Once you give money to anyone, including your daughter, they can spent it any way they like. Your son has been married a long time and I think it is unreasonable to cut him out just because he is married. As you say, he has been married for quite a long time.

Really, it's not your daughter's business what you do. It's your money and you can do as you think is right and fair.

OP also stated, her daughter, when she talked to her about sharing the inheritance 50/50 got angry and said it was not what her Dad wanted.
Well her Dad is dead and her Mother is alive, and she should do the right thing and share equally.
The OP does not want advice, just validation for her weakness and failure to stand up to her daughter.
I hope your son has a good life with his wife of 20 years. He is better of without his greedy sister and weak Mother.
This thread has bought back alot of hurt feelings for me, as I have been the same position as your son.

I agree with SuDonim and Not Spaghetti

It seems to me that DD has been quite the spoilt child in the past and expects you to keep on spoiling her!
Wow, daddy bought her her divorce, a new house etc but what about DS, what has he had?
It doesn't even sound as though he has ever asked for anything!
Split it 50/50, it is the fairest way. Well, except splitting it 60/40, or 70/30, in favour of your son who hasn't had all the extras his 'University educated' sister has had!!
To be absolutely honest with you, I really do not feel that your DD will give that much help to her brother, and I know that's harsh but, you've told us about all the financial help she's had, and yet she still wants more!!!

If it was me I'd be so tempted to tell DD that I had made a new will, deciding that she has had enough and that my money would be going to some charity or something, that she could never contest.
Then I'd sit back and see what she did!
I think, Maddiedu, you know that your son should benefit more from your will but your husband had his views and pushed them onto you. Now is the time to correct this, and put your son first, for once in his life!!!

If you leave your son out of your will your son and grandchildren will be deeply hurt and left wondering for the rest of their lives what they had done wrong to be excluded in this way. Why didn't you love them? Their memory of you will be clouded by this action. it will cause an irreparable split between your children. Is this really what you want? I understand your husband wanted to keep the money in the family but leaving everything to your daughter is not a good way to go about this, no matter what your daughter tells you. or what your husband said. There are no guarantees in life; will your daughter do as she says she will? How will your son feel about having to ask his sister for money? What happens if your daughter remarries? Or loses all the money to a scam? I could go on with a list of what ifs. One way to keep the money in the family is to do what your heart tells you and not what your daughter tells you. she is not an uninterested party in this. . Split the money between your son and daughter, a third each. The last third is to be split equally between the grandchildren and held in trust for them until they are 25. You have been given good advice about consulting a lawyer. Take it.

Maddiedu

When my DP died we kept the money to be split between DD and DS to help them into a property each. Then the prices rocketed and DS met DIL so DH and DD asked if it was ok to take the money to help DD. She was on her own and we could only help one.

After we gave her all of the money she met her now EX and when they divorced he took the majority of the house because DD was doing her master's and he was holding down 3 jobs to pay so DD left what was a beautiful 3 bed with much less than we put in. She needed more to get the second property as her EX was entitled to so much.

When DH DM died there was the issue with DD splitting from her child's father and so we helped her again.

I do like my DIL she's not a gold digger and I feel it's nothing personal against her, my DH wouldn't have wanted our money being enjoyed by anybody outside of the family, we worked hard to Save for our DC not other people's.

I will take advise about going to the solicitor and maybe I can honor my DH wishes by somehow excluding DIL from the money and nobody else.

I have discussed this with DD and she's offered to support me as she doesn't want to see her brother going without and her father's wishes ignored.

It sounds like you’ve had no trouble helping your daughter and her ex partners.

How cruel to give her the money your meant for your son.

FTR, I also remember a similar post about a daughter with many houses needing more