Adult son won’t leave home

I would agree with him paying rent and sharing the utility bills of course but unless he's an absolute pain in the backside/abusive, I can't see a problem with him living at home.

All my sons lived with me as adults. I actualy like them and their company. Why should you spend years teaching them and getting them through adolescence etc and not enjoy the results? They are all independent now.
Grangran19 he just sounds as if he needs a bit more time. Maybe if you could drop the subject for a bit and just accept he is there he might overcome his anxiety and want to be independent.

Gagajo If there are any paper £20 notes in that envelope, swop them for plastic ones before September 2022, when the old ones stop being legal tender (though after that you can still get them exchanged for new ones at the bank)

I'm interested in your reasons for saying that it doesn't work for either of you. Are there specific problems?
Or you just want your home to yourself (nothing wrong with that).

I agree he needs to be working full time unless there's a good reason why he isn't. I may have this wrong but he sounds like someone with no ambition that's just coasting along. Is his anxiety a way of avoiding having to stand on his own two feet? You may have to get firmer with him.

I have a step son who was giving us hell, aggressive, stealing and totally selfish amongst other things. He refused to learn to drive and expected DH to ferry him around. His father and I had had enough. We even considered moving to a one
bedroom flat. He did get a fulltime job though and DH literally went out and found him a flat and moved his stuff over there. I'm still loving being without him here. Total freedom.

How does he respond when you try to talk to him about it?

One of my daughters lived with us for a year after university. She worked part time at anything she could find while applying for proper jobs. She helped lots in the house, bought food and cooked for us. I knew she was saving so I didn't charge her rent on top. After a year she found a good job on the other side of the country. I was pleased for her but gosh I missed her. Time flies, Grangran, maybe he just needs a bit more.

A friend has a son like this. She’s been telling me for years that he would leave home…when he was 25, then 28, by the time he was 30, when he was 32…..his solution to them trying to move him on was to meet women with their own small flats and move in with them. He’s just finished with his third, his latest. Now back with mummy for the moment. He’s coming up 40.

life is so difficult when one child does not see the need to adult up.
Glad he is self-sufficient and you are not slaving after him. A good grounding for when he does go.
I remember my younger son deciding when he left school that he was only going to work part-time so I could not take as much money off him for digs. It was made quite plain if he only earned part time money his digs were just the same and if he had nothing left it wasn't my problem. He soon found a full time job.
Sounds like he might benefit from some professional help, maybe you could speak to a few agencies and see what help is put there for him.
You are quite right to want some time to yourself and more energy for the grandchildren, stress wears you down.

He’s never going to expand his social life and meet new friends if he’s upstairs gaming! Part time work at 25y. He’s having a nice cushy life. No wonder he doesn’t want to move out.

I grew up in an age when all young adults stayed at home until marriage, so that seems normal to me. My BIL was 32 when he married, the last of the brood of 6 to leave home. 2 of ours left home to fend for themselves, but it didn`t seem right to me.

You could try getting into gaming lol, I'm a gamer and play online with my children and my gamer friends. There is a few of us older female gamers out there. The children at school think I'm really cool lol

Is there any chance you can split the house a bit so that he has his own entrance and is independent of you.
A friend of mine has done this. Her daughter gets the front door and the two front rooms which have been adapted to a kitchenette/sitting/dining area and bedroom. Their is a cloak room by the front door. My friend gets the back door. kitchen and sitting room and all of upstairs. It works for them. Her daughter is an anxious girl who may never leave home but seems happy to have forged her own life now with the security of knowing mum is there. She pays rent and shares utilities.
My friend is enjoying independence from her daughter but is happy she knows she’s okay.

I assume he doesn’t contribute to the wifi….off switch.

"All my sons lived with me as adults. I actualy like them and their company. Why should you spend years teaching them and getting them through adolescence etc and not enjoy the results? They are all independent now."

This resonates with me.
Our youngest (37) is still here, waiting for his house purchase to complete. He did move out and rent for a while but what a waste of £600 a month when we have empty rooms.
He does his own laundry, cooks, cleans the house, looks after the dog when we're away.
All three adult children have returned home for a year or more and left again as their circumstances have changed. We've had the opportunity to live with them as adults rather than teenagers. It's been great and we have a good relationship with all of them.

My husband and I on the other hand both left home at 18 and never went back. Never wanted to and couldn't wait to leave.

Grangran19

P.S What does bump mean? ?

BUMP means to keep a thread on the ACTIVE list. If no one has posted on the thread someone can just write Bump, otherwise the thread just disappears.

dogsmother

I’d tread carefully too, why does he have to go? If his mental health is an issue it’s really important that you try to work with him rather than push….

I agree, and I would allow my son to live at home if he needed or wanted to.I do think some rent should be charged though, that’s only fair, to make a contribution of some kind.

The O/P asks “AIBU to be considering changing the locks?

Absolutely yes.

He is not a lodger who has failed to pay rent, he’s your son.

He is far from being the only adult who has remained in the family home longer than parents would have wished.

lemongrove

dogsmother

I’d tread carefully too, why does he have to go? If his mental health is an issue it’s really important that you try to work with him rather than push….

I agree, and I would allow my son to live at home if he needed or wanted to.I do think some rent should be charged though, that’s only fair, to make a contribution of some kind.

I agree with all this. He can still be independent while living at home. He should be taking care of his needs and contributing to the household too.

Please don't ever tell him what you posted here, that you want him to move on with his life so you can devote more time to your daughter and grandchildren. That would be so hurtful.

Thanks all for your comments…. I am struggling with menopause hence posting at 4am when I can’t sleep! It’s really helpful to get some perspective from you all. Aldom, thanks for clarifying!
The AIBU question was an indication of my stress levels- I don’t imagine that I would do this to my own son, that was my father’s suggestion (thanks dad!). It seems that I do need to charge him a more realistic rent- he currently pays £10/week contribution which is a joke really- and I would happily save up said realistic rent to return to him when he does eventually get it together. I feel that I need to tread carefully, I don’t want him to feel any worse about himself than he already does, but on the other hand I can feel resentful at times that he is coasting through his life at my expense. He’s got it too cushy, for which I have only myself to blame, but I also think it’s genuinely tough out there for a young person on their own- he’s far less confident socially than his (younger) sister, and has a very different attitude to work. She has blagged her way into becoming a chef, recently returned to work and within a week she’s running the kitchen! It doesn’t do to compare the two, they are totally different characters.
As for why it doesn’t work, I am not getting the pleasure of his adult company as we keep very different hours and rarely spend time together unless I arrange it. It would be difficult for either of us to bring a potential partner home as we don’t really have enough privacy and I work from home so difficult to divide the house up into more self- contained spaces. I have clients coming to the house, so already have to keep a boundary between ‘public’ and private areas. The bottom line is that I am worried about him, I want to see him healthy and happy in his life, not burying his head in the sand. I have tried many times to encourage him to find someone to talk to- ie. a counsellor- but it never goes anywhere. He’s such a private person, I don’t think that’s his way. I really try to take a compassionate approach, but I also feel that he is masterful in avoiding tackling the issue and taking responsibility for himself. I don’t know what sort of consequences would be reasonable if he fails to get a full time job and pay his rent! ?

VioletSky- that’s never gonna happen, but made me ?

Hellogirl When was this age when all young people stayed home until they married?

I left home in 1961, at 18, to go to university, lived at home for a very short period after I graduated and then joined the numerous young single people, living in flats and bedsits in London, and big cities across the country. Rents were cheap and the standard of accommodation by modern exepctations was not brilliant. Most of my friends, regardless of education and career were living away from home.

In the 1960s people married much younger and most were married by the time they were 25.

Sooner or later this young man is going to find himself on his own and will have to live on his own, so the sooner he is encouraged to do so the better. I appreciate that he does have some mental health issues, but as it seems clear that mother and son are living entirely separate lives in the one house and that he looks after himself, I can see no reason why he shouldn't be able to cope with living on his own in his own separately rented accommodation.

Grangran19

VioletSky- that’s never gonna happen, but made me ?

I can totally understand your frustration. Yes, he is your son. But he is not your partner - it is like having an uncommunicative stranger living with you. Someone that has no interest in you and just clutters the place up.

One day, who knows when, he will have to cope on his own. And you deserve a comfortable space in which to live.

Insist on him getting more work - insist on a reasonable rent - as others say, keep the money so that you can help him move out in the future. Get tough. Sitting in his room by himself is not helping any depression he may have (I hope he has received appropriate help for that). He clearly doesn't need you in an emotional sense.

We love our children, we want the best for them - that can mean being a bit tough on them at times.

Without reading any other replies, it sounds like his mental state is at the route of everything, and would certainly stop him from wanting to move on.

I would start with that if you can, and then move to more drastic measures if you have to.

Gaming is an addiction that gives the player a huge dopamine hit in the same way that alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, shopping and obsessive attention to social media does. The World Health Organisation (WHO) recognises gaming addiction as a behavioural addiction with negative consequences causing relationship, financial or work-based problems.

If gaming has become the main recreational focus in someone’s life you are dealing with an addict. It may not harm his body in the same way that alcohol and drugs will do but it’s harming his mind and creating a false sense of reality. I have seen this so often in teenager boys (and girls although less so). It can be hard to persuade them to stop playing. At 27, I’m assuming he’s been gaming for many years and the addiction needs to be addressed.

The upside is that if he gets kicks from competing and winning a game then there is motivation there. Grangran19’s example about her daughter finding a job and very quickly getting a promotion means the two may not be as unalike as she thinks - a question of finding a way to channel her son’s energy and drive productively. This is where some life coaching as well as counselling might be appropriate, to find a progressive route out of the way of life he has become accustomed to.

Grangran19 knows she isn’t doing him any favours taking such a paltry amount in keep money. It’s not even covering his food let alone the electricity and broadband costs fuelling his addiction. I’m wondering what he spends the rest of his part-time wages on?

I don’t think Grangran19 has told us anything about what her son has been doing post-compulsory education, whether he has been to college and/or university and has qualifications and skills so I wonder if she might return and give some more background to this.

I'm presuming as you have said 'me' you are the sole contributor to your home? that must put a lot of pressure on you financially too to have another adult dependant. Does he still have a relationship with his Dad? (I'm presuming a lot of stuff here)