Adult son won’t leave home

Hellogirl our experiences are at completely different ends of a wide spectrum. My experience is of people leaving home as soon as they started work and living independently, both in my generation and my children's.

My kids all paid a third of their income for board and lodging. They were supposed to put money in a box by the phone when they made calls, but it was always mysteriously empty!

Same here at home until I got married, so were all my friends and I only knew one person who went to University. From what I have read large numbers of young people live at home as they can't afford the huge rents, this is certainly true in my family and friends families. I do think at 27 he should pay more towards house expenses and really have full time job if his mental issues allow.

I think the problem stems from gaming. There are many young people that would rather be gaming than anything else, it is their social life hooking up with people online.

I think if you can get him away from gaming things will change. Charging him more for living with you would mean he would have to increase his hours or get another job where hopefully he will meet more people and develop a social life outside of his bedroom.

Monica, we appear to be the same age. I lived with my grandma till I married aged 20, but up until then I`d never known anyone who left home before marriage, except for people in magazine stories. My BIL who I mentioned, left home to get married, aged 32, in 1966. After that, my only experience has been my own kids, one of whom left to live with his girlfriend when aged around 25, 3 others stayed till they got married, between the ages of 21 and 23, the last is still with me, she is nearly 58, but can`t manage on her own as she is disabled.

pinkquartz

. "I know several people who have remained in the family home, holding down responsible jobs, paying their way and taking on the care and responsibility for aging and ill parents when the time comes".
The OP's son is not doing this though.

If he is depressed and spending most of his life in his room to feel safe how will this ever change?
If a young person finds it difficult to cope with the wider world then hiding away in mum's home is not going to help him face anything really.

I don't doubt that the son needs help but is there any help to be accessed? Going to the GP might be good.
Does the son have friends that he still interacts with ?

The problem is not so much living at his mums home as that he is hiding and not interacting with people and Life.

I agree with you.
I was answering another poster who made a general statement about adults living at home

I appreciate your son has a few issues that I have no experience of but you're really not doing him any favours by letting the current situation continue. I'd start a conversation saying I'm worried about him still not working full time so worry quite how he would manage if anything happened to you and over night everything would change for him. If you weren't around to pay the mortgage and utilities, take care of repairs etc. what would he live on. Best to start practicing now and place a realistic timescale for when you both think he could get a full time job, find somewhere to live that he could afford and you'd be there to support him emotionally. Far better to let him adjust over a period of time rather than get thrown in at the deep end if things go tits up. None of us can work part time with no other income and run a household even a small household, it's best to prepare him for what lies ahead as none of us know when it will happen. I wish you luck and hope he understands you're actually trying to help him.

It worries me that you want him to move out so you can spend more time and energy on your dd and gc.

You can do that now, even with your son living there. What's stopping you?

Do you also have interests that are not family related?

OP

You are enabling him - 10 pounds a week for rent? Wow

You need to charge him market price for renting a room + wifi + bills + his share of maintenance and cleaning in the home

You make so many excuses for him and it is hurting him and his future.

It is harmful to compare him with his sister, in the social aspect. It is an excuse you create in your mind to let him stay and perpetuates and worsens the cycle

He will learn to adapt and thrive in the world -on.his.own.without.mommy.

Hi Grangran Welcome to Gnet, I'm sure you'll get some good advice on here.
At 27 years old, I understand how you would like your son to move out from home and on with his life.
Also you want to spend more time and energy for your daughter and grandchildren.
Maybe a gradual approach would be attractive to your son, as in telling him he could come ñback to you at weekends so it wouldn't be such a shock to his system. This could help you too in the adjustment to your new life.
I hope it works out for both of you.

. "I know several people who have remained in the family home, holding down responsible jobs, paying their way and taking on the care and responsibility for aging and ill parents when the time comes".
The OP's son is not doing this though.

If he is depressed and spending most of his life in his room to feel safe how will this ever change?
If a young person finds it difficult to cope with the wider world then hiding away in mum's home is not going to help him face anything really.

I don't doubt that the son needs help but is there any help to be accessed? Going to the GP might be good.
Does the son have friends that he still interacts with ?

The problem is not so much living at his mums home as that he is hiding and not interacting with people and Life.

Hetty58

They never really grow up until they fly the nest. I don't think it's healthy to live with your mother - as an adult. He should be working full time, going out and about socialising and building himself a truly independent life.

While that is true in some cases, I don't think it's fair to make sweeping generalisations. I know several people who have remained in the family home, holding down responsible jobs, paying their way and taking on the care and responsibility for aging and ill parents when the time comes.

Living in isolation and filling the time with internet activities is a good sign of depression at the very least.
If that is the case, no amount of helpful suggestions will make him feel like changing.
Unfortunately the only thing that might help is a visit to the gp.
As you have already said he wont entertain it, I'm not sure what you can do.
Please try to concentrate on getting g more help for your menopause symptoms.
This alone may help you to cope.

Caleo

GranGran wrote:

"I do feel protective of him and not wanting to make him homeless, but he spends a lot of time gaming online and I feel resentful about his lack of engagement with me/ his household and life outside the home. I want him to move out because I want him to be independent and thriving in his life…. and I would also like to have my own space after parenting (mostly single handed) for 25+ years. The arrival of 2 small grandsons (my daughter is 24 and lives with her partner and babies) in the last 2 years has also changed my perspective hugely and I want to devote more of my time and energy to them, but I feel like I need to help my son to move on as a priority now."

Your son does not seem to be much a companion for you. He also seems to be reclusive, and unhelpful around the house. Are these sufficient reason to get rid of him and perhaps risk injuring him?

If it was me, I'd rather keep him at home where I felt he was safe. Maybe it is more of a priority for you to force him to be independent of you for his own good. I think the main thing to consider is the risk to his safety if you get rid of his presence in your house.

There seems to be a lack of communication between you and your son. True, you can't force him to communicate. The gaming would certainly annoy me and worry me as it would seem to indicate lack of attention to what matters. but on the other hand it is a good sign that your son has a part time job.

My guess is that he clams up about leaving because he can't see his way to finding accommodation he can afford, and he is afraid of you.

Agree Caleo. The mental health issue rings alarm bells with me. Is there any way you could get more support from your daughter and partner GranGran? You say you want to devote more time to them...but do they need this at the moment? Your son clearly does, and I would be focusing on him first to be honest, then hopefully, the wider family won’t be disadvantaged perhaps at a time when they do need you.

Menopause doesn’t help does it? I do hope you can get some help with your sleep. My menopause was kicked off with insomnia, and I took magnesium supplements. Worked really well.

Take care.

GranGran wrote:

"I do feel protective of him and not wanting to make him homeless, but he spends a lot of time gaming online and I feel resentful about his lack of engagement with me/ his household and life outside the home. I want him to move out because I want him to be independent and thriving in his life…. and I would also like to have my own space after parenting (mostly single handed) for 25+ years. The arrival of 2 small grandsons (my daughter is 24 and lives with her partner and babies) in the last 2 years has also changed my perspective hugely and I want to devote more of my time and energy to them, but I feel like I need to help my son to move on as a priority now."

Your son does not seem to be much a companion for you. He also seems to be reclusive, and unhelpful around the house. Are these sufficient reason to get rid of him and perhaps risk injuring him?

If it was me, I'd rather keep him at home where I felt he was safe. Maybe it is more of a priority for you to force him to be independent of you for his own good. I think the main thing to consider is the risk to his safety if you get rid of his presence in your house.

There seems to be a lack of communication between you and your son. True, you can't force him to communicate. The gaming would certainly annoy me and worry me as it would seem to indicate lack of attention to what matters. but on the other hand it is a good sign that your son has a part time job.

My guess is that he clams up about leaving because he can't see his way to finding accommodation he can afford, and he is afraid of you.

They never really grow up until they fly the nest. I don't think it's healthy to live with your mother - as an adult. He should be working full time, going out and about socialising and building himself a truly independent life.

I'm presuming as you have said 'me' you are the sole contributor to your home? that must put a lot of pressure on you financially too to have another adult dependant. Does he still have a relationship with his Dad? (I'm presuming a lot of stuff here)

Gaming is an addiction that gives the player a huge dopamine hit in the same way that alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, shopping and obsessive attention to social media does. The World Health Organisation (WHO) recognises gaming addiction as a behavioural addiction with negative consequences causing relationship, financial or work-based problems.

If gaming has become the main recreational focus in someone’s life you are dealing with an addict. It may not harm his body in the same way that alcohol and drugs will do but it’s harming his mind and creating a false sense of reality. I have seen this so often in teenager boys (and girls although less so). It can be hard to persuade them to stop playing. At 27, I’m assuming he’s been gaming for many years and the addiction needs to be addressed.

The upside is that if he gets kicks from competing and winning a game then there is motivation there. Grangran19’s example about her daughter finding a job and very quickly getting a promotion means the two may not be as unalike as she thinks - a question of finding a way to channel her son’s energy and drive productively. This is where some life coaching as well as counselling might be appropriate, to find a progressive route out of the way of life he has become accustomed to.

Grangran19 knows she isn’t doing him any favours taking such a paltry amount in keep money. It’s not even covering his food let alone the electricity and broadband costs fuelling his addiction. I’m wondering what he spends the rest of his part-time wages on?

I don’t think Grangran19 has told us anything about what her son has been doing post-compulsory education, whether he has been to college and/or university and has qualifications and skills so I wonder if she might return and give some more background to this.

Without reading any other replies, it sounds like his mental state is at the route of everything, and would certainly stop him from wanting to move on.

I would start with that if you can, and then move to more drastic measures if you have to.

I can totally understand your frustration. Yes, he is your son. But he is not your partner - it is like having an uncommunicative stranger living with you. Someone that has no interest in you and just clutters the place up.

One day, who knows when, he will have to cope on his own. And you deserve a comfortable space in which to live.

Insist on him getting more work - insist on a reasonable rent - as others say, keep the money so that you can help him move out in the future. Get tough. Sitting in his room by himself is not helping any depression he may have (I hope he has received appropriate help for that). He clearly doesn't need you in an emotional sense.

We love our children, we want the best for them - that can mean being a bit tough on them at times.

Grangran19

VioletSky- that’s never gonna happen, but made me ?

Hellogirl When was this age when all young people stayed home until they married?

I left home in 1961, at 18, to go to university, lived at home for a very short period after I graduated and then joined the numerous young single people, living in flats and bedsits in London, and big cities across the country. Rents were cheap and the standard of accommodation by modern exepctations was not brilliant. Most of my friends, regardless of education and career were living away from home.

In the 1960s people married much younger and most were married by the time they were 25.

Sooner or later this young man is going to find himself on his own and will have to live on his own, so the sooner he is encouraged to do so the better. I appreciate that he does have some mental health issues, but as it seems clear that mother and son are living entirely separate lives in the one house and that he looks after himself, I can see no reason why he shouldn't be able to cope with living on his own in his own separately rented accommodation.

VioletSky- that’s never gonna happen, but made me ?

Thanks all for your comments…. I am struggling with menopause hence posting at 4am when I can’t sleep! It’s really helpful to get some perspective from you all. Aldom, thanks for clarifying!
The AIBU question was an indication of my stress levels- I don’t imagine that I would do this to my own son, that was my father’s suggestion (thanks dad!). It seems that I do need to charge him a more realistic rent- he currently pays £10/week contribution which is a joke really- and I would happily save up said realistic rent to return to him when he does eventually get it together. I feel that I need to tread carefully, I don’t want him to feel any worse about himself than he already does, but on the other hand I can feel resentful at times that he is coasting through his life at my expense. He’s got it too cushy, for which I have only myself to blame, but I also think it’s genuinely tough out there for a young person on their own- he’s far less confident socially than his (younger) sister, and has a very different attitude to work. She has blagged her way into becoming a chef, recently returned to work and within a week she’s running the kitchen! It doesn’t do to compare the two, they are totally different characters.
As for why it doesn’t work, I am not getting the pleasure of his adult company as we keep very different hours and rarely spend time together unless I arrange it. It would be difficult for either of us to bring a potential partner home as we don’t really have enough privacy and I work from home so difficult to divide the house up into more self- contained spaces. I have clients coming to the house, so already have to keep a boundary between ‘public’ and private areas. The bottom line is that I am worried about him, I want to see him healthy and happy in his life, not burying his head in the sand. I have tried many times to encourage him to find someone to talk to- ie. a counsellor- but it never goes anywhere. He’s such a private person, I don’t think that’s his way. I really try to take a compassionate approach, but I also feel that he is masterful in avoiding tackling the issue and taking responsibility for himself. I don’t know what sort of consequences would be reasonable if he fails to get a full time job and pay his rent! ?

lemongrove

dogsmother

I’d tread carefully too, why does he have to go? If his mental health is an issue it’s really important that you try to work with him rather than push….

I agree, and I would allow my son to live at home if he needed or wanted to.I do think some rent should be charged though, that’s only fair, to make a contribution of some kind.

I agree with all this. He can still be independent while living at home. He should be taking care of his needs and contributing to the household too.

Please don't ever tell him what you posted here, that you want him to move on with his life so you can devote more time to your daughter and grandchildren. That would be so hurtful.