To wish she would be the same with us?

I don't think the op is expecting to socialise, or thinking of forcing it.
She is just thinking it would be nice if they could have a friendship, as she did with last person.

I think it is unreasonable too. Her social life is her own not her employers.

It feels a bit coercive though doesn’t it.

Not just expecting the job to be done but that you have to be a friend too.

Most people like to chose their friends, not feel obliged to pretend a friendship because somebody’s paying them. I not explaining very well but I’ve worked in places where I had to pretend to like the boss more than I did because I needed the job and the reference.

It’s not comfortable. Hats off to the housekeeper for being strong enough to maintain the boundaries.

Sago

This is exactly why our butler got the heave ho!

I used to be a gardener. Some clients became friends and some didn't. Just because you're employed by someone it doesn't mean you'll hit it off. It's lovely when you do...but it's not a given.

I do understand your perspective as you had such a lucky relationship with past staff. The lady still has a lot to process perhaps and grief can hit us in many ways and she may nit want to feel unloyal to someone who was clearly dear to her.
Give both her and you some space, let her do her duties and leave an open door for more and give her the reassurance all will be well.

Friendships can happen a lot of factors: personalities, distance, hobbies, etc.

You can be perfectly nice and welcoming but if the other person is not your cup of tea, it is not going to happen

What a lovely thread. Not the sort we usually aspire to on GN! I must speak to Mellors about this. He's a b****r about refusing to share our Christmas dinner.

Just as the others have said, professional boundaries may be the issue here. You employ her to do a job. That's as far as her obligations to you go. I understand it might be nice if you can be closer but that either happens naturally, or doesn't. Don't push it. If she's doing a good job as a housekeeper, be happy with that.

@misadventure That is exactly it.
She was close to the other family so clearly not because of boundaries. Maybe she just doesn't like us as much but hopefully over time we can form a friendship like the one she had with the other lady.
We really like her and value her too.

Well, I think that's nice.

I may be imagining this , but did you post about this some time ago ?

From my humble social position I find it hard to get my head round this household with a housekeeper, cleaners and helpers with whom OP socialises and who come to dinner .
What do all these people DO?
In the US a cleaner is sometimes referred to as a housekeeper - does OP live there? Or is this some commercial establishment like a hotel or a care home?
I once had a cleaner who was a friend (first) because she needed the money and I was going under with three children, a sick husband and a full time job. That was very different though.
Or is it all a wind-up?

I just do not agree that it is a good idea to encourage too much familiarity from the staff.

They do need to know the boundaries otherwise they start to take advantage. Why, this afternoon the gardener came indoors without taking off his shoes!

I had to tell the housekeeper to remind him of his place.

But she doesn’t have to be close with you. That’s not her job. Don’t expect additional emotional labour from her just to make you feel better about the fact that you have a housekeeper.

It's no different from having any paid help.
Why would someone feel bad?

But OP can like and value her without a friendship being in place. That shouldn’t be expected or pushed for. Maybe she just wants to be an employee and not a friend. That’s absolutely fine and doesn’t affect her job.

Agreed, but op hasn't said she will make the woman be friends with her.
She hasn't said she will give her less wages unless she agrees to be friends.
She has just said it would be nice if the woman was willing.

I know - it just feels like there’s a level of expectation there which is totally understandable and not intended to be pushy at all. It sounds nice, it’s something I’d like in that position! But an increasing emphasis across the board on colleagues being friends and family is, I think, really unhealthy and often leads to toxic workplaces. It’s not easy to turn down the offer to socialise from your boss and even if the OP would never penalise her for not joining them, it still puts the housekeeper in a tricky position.

I have never had a housekeeper as I preferred to run my own home but have had full and part time staff. While we often took the maid on vacation to babysit and she was treated extremely well at no point would we have considered it socialising.

AmberSpyglass

I know - it just feels like there’s a level of expectation there which is totally understandable and not intended to be pushy at all. It sounds nice, it’s something I’d like in that position! But an increasing emphasis across the board on colleagues being friends and family is, I think, really unhealthy and often leads to toxic workplaces. It’s not easy to turn down the offer to socialise from your boss and even if the OP would never penalise her for not joining them, it still puts the housekeeper in a tricky position.

Fair point.
I just like everything to be nice and lovely, totally unrealistically, usually.

I'm sorry you're having problems with your staff, TopsyAndTim; wasn't it the other day you were having problems with the person who takes your children swimming?

Perhaps they are not certain exactly where they stand with you, as you said you normally took her to your house but now she's upset because you dropped her at the end of the road and didn't let her in the house.

Now you want the housekeeper to be your friend but she wants to keep it on a professional footing.

I think you need to clarify your expectations in your own mind and set out the terms of the contracts so that everyone knows what is or is not expected of them.

Sago

This is exactly why our butler got the heave ho!

Surely, you mean your previous butler?

Callistermon sounds a LOT of mixed messages going on in topsys life doesn’t there

My experience is that friendships blossom naturally and without pressure and sometimes even in spite of ourselves. My besty of 62 years was someone I didn't particularly like initially.

Esspee

I have never had a housekeeper as I preferred to run my own home but have had full and part time staff. While we often took the maid on vacation to babysit and she was treated extremely well at no point would we have considered it socialising.

I wonder if you live in another country Esspee ( no reason why you shouldn’t ) but a phrase like “we often took the maid on vacation to babysit” does sound a bit Downton Abbey ???