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AIBU

Speak to the parents

(82 Posts)
Beswitched Wed 27-Oct-21 10:14:38

A friend lives on a newish housing estate with lots of young children. Some of them are quite badly behaved, but anyone telling them off for running across their flowerbeds, doing damage to the communal bin sheds etc has been indignantly informed that they "should have spoken to us" by their parents.
Yesterday afternoon some kids were kicking footballs repeatedly against her car so she went out and asked them where they lived so she could do as asked and speak to their parents. She has now been accused of being confrontational and upsetting one of the children by asking that question.

I asked a couple of kids where they lived recently as they were screaming and shouting directly outside my house at 11 pm and they told me I'm not allowed ask them that as it's 'stranger danger'.

So we're not allowed address the children directly, and we're not allowed ask them where they live so we can talk to their parents.

How are you supposed to deal with brattish kids nowadays?

Smileless2012 Wed 27-Oct-21 10:29:53

Children behaving like this probably wont have parents who'll attempt to do anything about it any way Beswitched. How old were the ones shouting outside your house at 11.00pm?

Makes me thankful that we live where we do.

Aveline Wed 27-Oct-21 10:31:36

Antisocial behaviour? Police?

Beswitched Wed 27-Oct-21 10:32:42

Smileless2012

Children behaving like this probably wont have parents who'll attempt to do anything about it any way Beswitched. How old were the ones shouting outside your house at 11.00pm?

Makes me thankful that we live where we do.

They were about 10 or 11.

eazybee Wed 27-Oct-21 10:38:25

Well, you could report them to the police, who would doubtless turn up and accuse you of threatening them.

This happened to a resident living near the library, who remonstrated with a group of boys attempting to smash the glass doors.
They phoned the police, who responded immediately and warned the local resident not 'to intimidate the children.'
(The library later had burning rags posted through its fortunately fireproof letterbox.)

lindiann Wed 27-Oct-21 10:41:40

I had a child about 10 trying to buy cigarettes, when I refused she went and got her Dad who had a go because he had been. watching Football. With a Smug look "that told you" on her face she walked out the door and stuck two fingers up

Smileless2012 Wed 27-Oct-21 10:44:20

They shouldn't have been out at that time IMO and does raise the question of a lack or parental control/responsibility.

Santana Wed 27-Oct-21 11:03:12

Unless you know the parents well enough to have a friendly word, then I would steer clear of seeking them out. This can easily get out of hand for lots of reasons already mentioned here.
We have a good local PCSO team that handle this kind of anti social behaviour, visit schools, turn up in parks and other places where kids gather.
Of course, if there is imminent danger from criminal damage, then the police should be called.
Don't assume parents are going to be reasonable and polite, those days are gone mostly.

trisher Wed 27-Oct-21 11:11:13

I'd ring the police and ask to speak to the community support team. Tell them what is happening as reasonably and quietly as you can. It would help if beforehand you made a list of times and incidents. Ask them not to call at your house but offer to meet them somewhere else. They will probably ask you to monitor further incidents. Once it is reported you should see the team patrolling the area
(Sorry just realised this is for a friend- substitute "she" for "you"

M0nica Wed 27-Oct-21 11:11:59

About 50 years ago we had a problen with teenagers playing football to all hours at the end of the close and all over our front garden. I did ask them politely severl times to please keep off the front gardens. Obviously they took no notice of me.

Then one day one shouted at me' If you do not want me laying on your garden tell my Dad' Now dad was a big beefy man, but on the spur of the moment I said OK and walked up the road to his home rang the bell and when the dad came to the door I said his son had asked me to speak to him about him playing football on the front garden.

Dad was as taken aback as son. I was invited in, Mum was there, we sat down and I explained the problem, then they told me of the problems of having four teenage boys in a small house with no where to play (there was a big playing field about 300 yards away, but I didn't mention that)

We had coffee and as I sympathised with their problems but I kept coming back to the problems of other residents and at the end of about half an hour we had somehow reached a compromise. If a ball was kicked into a garden the boys would carefully take the ball out of the garden and not kick it until it was on the road again.

And that is what the boys did for the rest of our time in the road - because their Dad told them that was they were to do.

Whether that would work in current conditions, I do not know. Feral children, and to be fair these were not feral children, are too common these days.

Beswitched Wed 27-Oct-21 11:23:56

Thanks for the advice and replies.

Yes things do seem to have changed in recent times. Some parents seem to be determined to always wrongfoot anyone complaining about their children. If you approach the child it's "how dare you tell my child off. That's my job". If you approach the parents it's "my Ellie May would never do anything like that and she's very upset you're accusing her..."
You are always in the wrong and their badly behaved child is always in the right"

Parents like that make neighbourly relations very difficult.

DiscoDancer1975 Wed 27-Oct-21 11:35:42

I’ve always been of the opinion, that if you have to tell a parent their child is behaving badly, they probably don’t care, they’re not good parents.

The young children screaming outside your house just confirms this. I would have called the police in this instance.

During the day...I would just tell them off. Tell them to go home.

These parents know their children are like this. They’ve been made that way by their parenting.

So sad.

Beswitched Thu 28-Oct-21 10:31:39

If you told some of the children on our road to go home they'd just rudely tell you it's a public road and they can do what they like. If they didn't tell you, their parents would come out and do it for them.

polnan Thu 28-Oct-21 10:41:25

well I am fortunate, I live in a quiet place... suburbs

but when I go a walk, a popular walking etc. place, and I find the youngsters are extremely polite, skateboarding etc.. most smile at me, with say thankyou if I step aside, which I do cos I walk slower than most of them,, or just want to enjoy human company!

the ones I find the rudest, uncaring are the older people, 20`s 30 year olds? cycling.. cyclists, mostly are really uncaring and come at you,, expecting other people to move..

I find young teenagers very polite!

Bignanny2 Thu 28-Oct-21 10:44:03

This is the problem these days. No one seems to have any respect for other people or their property. And they are bringing up their children with the same attitude 😞!

Shirlb Thu 28-Oct-21 10:51:05

Anything and everything goes nowadays and no one can make any comments 🙄😕🤔

DeeDe Thu 28-Oct-21 11:06:52

Horrible and they will get worse, parents would only give you a mouthful that’s if there even in, more than likely up the pub
Don’t go out there at all, Just Phone the police right away .

Sound horrendous flowers
Makes me so pleased I live where I am..

inishowen Thu 28-Oct-21 11:07:04

Reminds me of the time my daughter and I were at the theatre. A school group were very badly behaved, climbing over the seats, and shouting to each other. My daughter asked in a friendly way what school they were from. They told her. The next day she rang the school and told the head teacher how they'd behaved. He was horrified and said he would deal with them. They were pretty stupid to tell us the name of their school.

Susieq62 Thu 28-Oct-21 11:09:09

Get your community support officers on board. They will address the issues with the parents.

Mallin Thu 28-Oct-21 11:10:08

I’m just SO thankful I’m a great grandma not a parent these days.
Also, that I live in a very quiet area with no children, teenagers or a busy road and the only dog within hearing distance is too lazy to bark except if she sees strangers. So. I always know when the ever changing postman is coming.

Mimidl Thu 28-Oct-21 11:18:22

If 10 or 11 year olds were out near me at 11pm, causing noise and upset and I knew the parents couldn’t be bothered, then I’m afraid I would be calling social services.
It’s not safe for children of that age to be out and if the parents are too stupid/lazy/ignorant to do something about it, then perhaps a visit from a social worker would give them the rocket that they needed

NemosMum Thu 28-Oct-21 11:20:28

If you can afford it (about £80), and you have WiFi, get a RING doorbell camera, or similar. It is activated by motion and will record anything in your immediate vicinity. You will have video and audio recordings to show police/parents etc. The recording is available on your device (smart phone/tablet/laptop) for 30 days, or you can store it permanently. Alternatively, use your smart phone to video. I realise this is no good to anyone who doesn't have the technology, but it is a great help if you have.

Hithere Thu 28-Oct-21 11:38:41

I wont automatically blame the parents for not caring and not wanting to correct this behaviour

I am aware of kids behaving terribly, especially if they get in packs of their same age and I know the parents try to teach them good manners and be considerate to people.

Tweens is also a hard age.

Here in the US, communities have an office where you can go and bring things like this up.

If they bother you, I bet they also bother other neighbours- strength in numbers

JGran Thu 28-Oct-21 11:39:24

I've been yelled at by parents. I'm still going to stand up for my safety and the immediate safety of others, including the children. I had one parent hunt me down in a grocery store and attempt to punch me. Clearly, those little apples didn't fall far from their tree. My general comeback when they say I can't say anything to their children is, "Then parent them! If you won't, I will!"

Beswitched Thu 28-Oct-21 11:48:34

Hithere

I wont automatically blame the parents for not caring and not wanting to correct this behaviour

I am aware of kids behaving terribly, especially if they get in packs of their same age and I know the parents try to teach them good manners and be considerate to people.

Tweens is also a hard age.

Here in the US, communities have an office where you can go and bring things like this up.

If they bother you, I bet they also bother other neighbours- strength in numbers

I agree it's not always the parents' fault and sometimes just a few bad apples leading other children astray.

But in my experience the kids who answer back or completely ignore neighbours asking them to keep the noise down, or go and play somewhere else, tend to have the kind of parents who think their kids can do no wrong.

The better brought up ones will apologise or look embarrassed when a neighbour tells them off. I think they know that if their bad behaviour is brought to the attention of their parents there will be trouble.