MIL getting angry I haven’t visited since pandemic.

Sorry *no plans

March

If anyone spoke to my daughter like that and upset her on the day of her dad's funeral I wouldn't cross a road for them let alone travel 240 miles.

To be fair, it was also the day after her sons funeral. It’s possible she was also quite distressed ?

Just don’t go. It’s not as if your going to bump into her in ASDA, is it ?
If it was me dealing with a woman with that attitude there would be no more dealing with.
No one needs people like that in their lives.

Sounds like the consequences of her own actions. If she wasn't so nasty more people would make an effort to see her.

As she has such a elevated prioritisation for blood and you are not blood I wouldn't bother explaining anything to her. She has options and if she doesn't want to explore them that's her choice.
If she brings it up again just say
"We've discussed this. The answer is no"

Roads go two ways,and tbh after what she said to your dd i would be thinking stuff her.
She sounds like a bully.

She sounds a dream! Honestly, you owe her nothing, and there is nothing to be gained from the constant trying to make things better with unpleasant people.

Your loyalty is to your own daughters, and yourself, and whoever else you happen to love. Don’t beat yourself up about this any longer.

Life is too short to waste it with difficult people.

Perhaps OP wants to keep in contact out of loyalty to her late husband. I don’t think not having had a booster or the cost of petrol are excuses, they are genuine reasons. Money is tight and getting tighter. Also OP is still working so any visit to mother in law may have to eat into holiday allowance. I would be absolutely honest about these reasons but offer regular phone calls (zoom if it can be arranged) instead. If money is offered it can be graciously refused.

I think many are being a bit hard on the MiL. I wouldn't have taken much heed of what she said to your daughter. She possibly wasn't thinking straight. And because her gd isn't in contact much doesn't mean she's horrible. My gc are absolutely never in touch. I have always been nice and also generous to them. As I said before none of us is perfect. And it sounds like she made an effort when you say she has always been good to you and your daughters. If she's all about blood relatives she wouldn't have done so and wouldn't bother keeping in contact imo.

She doesn’t sound a nice person , to make a comment like that to your daughter about attending her dads funeral is inexcusable! And for that reason alone would be enough for me to stay put, you owe her nothing

*You have to decide if you want to visit, now or maybe later on, or if you don't want to visit at all.
Depending which you choose, you then have to work out what to say to MiL.*

Good advice!

Re her tactless comment to her grieving grandaughter, she was also a grieving mother! If she believes showing emotion is "weak" etc, that might be the cause of her comment whilst hiding her own emotion. It was very unfortunate but a it of empathy might help moving forward in terms of what YOU want to do

She can't use the excuse grieving for her behaviour towards the OPs children.
OP says her behaviour towards them is because she only values blood.

Also what a BS excuse for that comment anyway. Grieving doesn't give you the freedom to say disgusting things to others in pain.
If she said that and did so when not in the right frame of mind she should've apologised later on. But she didn't did she?

I didn't say it was an excuse Bibbity! I was simply suggesting that the OP might want to think about that aspect in deciding her way forward, that is all! She knows the person concerned, we don't! I am not in the business of "proving" or debating how nasty someone is!!

OP I do hope you have found some of the advice and support on the thread helpful

I wasn’t commenting on your post specifically. A couple of posters have mentioned that the words said where when she was grieving so I was addressing the idea as a whole. Couldn’t care less about your business and what you do.

Bibbity OK, it came straight after my mine so assumed you were commenting on my post.

Um ...I don't have a business, its a turn of phrase!

Oh dear

Oh dear indeed!

Thank you all for our comments. Actually reading them all makes me realise that I was making excuses ( although they are valid) I will talk to her and explain more definitely that I will not be coming. I am happy with our hourly Sunday chats and will continue with those. Thank you all it helps to have others input ( miss my husband for those ☹️) I do keep in touch out of loyalty to my husband.

If you have to spend money on petrol to visit someone you clearly dont want to visit then that will mean even less money to spend this holiday on the people and things that you do enjoy. Dont lash out and spend because you feel its a duty.

I would just send a text or email with your feeings and leave it at that. If she kicks off on the phone then cut down on the calls to once a fortnight or month.

I think you should stick with what you're comfortable with Yesofcoursenoproblem and chatting for an hour on Sundays maintains contact without the stress of visits.

It sounds as if this not a relationship you really want so keeping "in touch out of loyalty to (your)husband" is commendable,

I did once a week chats with my exMIL, after her son died. We were both happy with those?

How much do you need her in your life??
Stop making excuses. Be true to yourself.

You said in your opening post, your mil thought you were making excuses, well you were. You still have family but she’s lost her son. You said she was good to you and yes she did speak out of turn at the funeral, but I can’t imagine how difficult it would have been for her burying your son. I feel for someone widowed and losing her son.

I imagine she would of been distressed, but being distressed doesn't mean you can be cruel and nasty.

It doesn't count for the years of her being 'difficult' either. Before and after.

I wonder what age MiL is.

After the comment at the funeral and as soon as funeral over she would be out of my life. I have done that with my dads wife of 20 years. We did not like each other, was civil for sake of my father. Haven’t seen her since day of the funeral. Why keep up the pretence?