How do I move my son out of my house?

if i were you OP, i would be wary of sharing with him too much of how you are feeling or how the situation is affecting you.
do not give away your power as householder by revealing your inner thoughts.
he is most unlikely to be sympathetic towards you; if he was, he would not have been exploiting you like this.
obviously you care about him, as your son, but does he gives you any thought or care at all, unlikely.
so don't share too much. he is not the person to confide in.
you need other support.

Thx for all your interesting and thought provoking messages. Neither of my adult children are empathetic or directly interested in people due to their autistic issues. I wonder what his reaction is going to be when we sit down and talk it over. However I have a determination that things must change in 2022. Fingers crossed.

He appears to be unemployed, so may get PIP or DLA along with Universal Credit. I doubt that he'd still be funded for his PhD after so long. Even part-time study should be complete in six years.

Having autistic tendencies - has he been officially diagnosed as non neurotypical?

Many people with his same conditions carry out normal life

If you do really want him to move out for sure, I'd suggest a supported and gradual move out plan. It sounds like he needs the support and might not be capable of coping with full independence. Especially if it comes very suddenly. Even if he does stay, it needs to work for both of you, so changes can be made towards this.

How far is he through his PhD? If he's made significant progress, it might be he will take six years to finish it. If he's just getting started after a few years in, maybe it won't happen. Surely his supervisor is watching progress though?

Lots of good advice here, I too would suggest you start with Citizen's advice and find out which benefits your son is entitled to.

If various social services, doctors etc. insist that you cannot be given details on behalf of an adult son, a simple power of attorney written, or at least signed by your son, empowering you to discuss all financial and health concerns on his behalf with whomsoever it may concern, should sort that out.

If he has ADHD or a similar diagnosis, you need to be the active party.He as you know will just procrastinate.

But do start by sitting him down and telling him that you and he cannot continue like this. He needs to lead an independent adult life, and you need your income for yourself.

I worked full time, was a single parent to five children, and finished my part-time PhD in six years. If he’s spent seven years in the US and five years in the U.K. working full time on his research, that makes 12 years. I think it highly unlikely he’s ever going to finish it - in fact, I’d want to see proof that he is still registered with the university.

Even if he does complete his research, there’s no guarantee that he’ll be awarded a PhD. In the meantime, at the very least, your son should be working to support himself and pay his way while he is living in the U.K. Are you quite sure he’s actually working on his research and not playing video games, gambling or watching porn while he’s ‘working’?

Our son after 5 years working on cruise ships around the world came home and moved back into our house. He got himself a decent job but was very content in not paying any rent, me cooking all his meals, doing all his washing and ironing and keeping his room clean. One day I came to my senses and told him he had a month to move out, he took it quite hard but did move into a shared house, hated that then moved to a rented a flat on his own. He quickly realised if he could save a deposit buying was cheaper than renting and next week is completing a purchase on a flat. He admits that me kicking him out was the best thing i could have done.

With respect, 1summer, your son is in a different league from the OP’s son.
PJN, I am glad you have decided to have a conversation. I suggest that the financial angle may be the best place to start. If your son is entitled to Universal Credit, he can then contribute to the household bills, for a start. You should not be paying for storage in US. Is it really likely that he will go back there?

He won’t get anything towards his rent as he does not have a tenancy, he is living with relatives. As for PIP, which is not means-tested or based on NI contributions, it seems unlikely that he would qualify, unless he has strong medical backing.
This situation cannot continue.
Do you have any other family? Being blunt, what happens when you die? Who will look after him then?
Start the conversation!

Another one who thinks he will never finish the PhD and any further time spent on it is a complete waste. geekesse explains the probable situation well.

It may be best for him (and you!) if he gets a clear indication from the university that he's no longer registered. If he hasn't paid fees for a while he would be automatically de-registered.

It will be hard for him to accept, but best for all long term if he moves on from this hopeless aspiration.

He spent 7 years in the US and still hadn't finished his PhD? The normal period is three years. He has been 'working' on this PhD for another 5 years since he returned and still hasn't finished it.

He has been working on his PhD for 12 years so far, and it is not finished. It is never going to be finished if he worked on it for another 12 years. I also have strong doubts that the university he started with all those years ago will even accept his work, even if he did finish it in the next year.

The Artificial Intelligence field is changing so rapidly that whatever the subject in that field he was doing he is doing research into 12 years ago will be as dead as a dodo, as relevant as a thesis on the possibility of the earth being flat.

This young man has serious mental health problems. He needs to be referred to a psychiatric unit that can deal with him and his problems and forget all this fiction of a PhD. It is being used as a figleaf to protect himself from a world he cannot deal with. Failing that seek mental support yourself and see if help will come that way.

The only alternative would be to give him six months to sort himself out, then change the locks. When he ends up on the streets, hopefully his needs would finally be picked up and addressed.

But forget about the PhD and the goods stored in the US. Getting back there is a pipedream. Tell him to junk them or import them back into the UK as you cannot afford to pay for them anymore.

Sorry if all this sounds hard. I do not mean it to be, but I can see no alternative.

I doubt anything else will work.

I agree MOnica. I’m not sure he’s spent 12 years on the PhD as my impression (maybe incorrect) was that the bachelor’s and master’s were gained in the US and the doctorate was started there. However long he did or didn’t spend on it in the US though he’s been allegedly working on it for five years here which is ludicrous for someone with absolutely no distractions. And as you rightly say he will be light years behind in his subject without (we assume) access to up to date teaching and research facilities. I hope by now his mother is making inroads into making him face reality. Your fig leaf analogy was spot on.

GSM It is 12 years for the PhD. He went to the States when he was 21, presumably post BSc and is now 33. he went, initially for a year, which is odd because a PhD requires 3 year's study. He claims he didn't finish it because he had to do tutoring to cover his keep. Another figleaf I think, because many students at all levels, here and in the US, especially the US, juggle work and study. DS did, as did most of his friends, one or two ran over a year, but universities put stop notices on how long you can spin out studying for a PhD, after which you are signed off and are no longer on the university roll.

I suspect, and this is no disrespect to the OP, but her son has been, telling her a tissue of lies, knowing that she doesn't know enough about the arcane workings of academic life or AI to really probe what he tells her.

Sadly, I think this is a case of a young man with autism ADHD, who cannot cope with normal life and has retreated back home to avoid a life outside he cannot cope with.

Thanks for putting me right MOnica. It’s far worse than I had thought, having imagined he had acquired two degrees in the States. My knowledge of the university system is confined to the UK and doesn’t encompass studying for a PhD (I wish!). So he’s probably sitting in his room playing computer games whilst lying to Mum and being kept by her and won’t work to support himself. He has been diagnosed with psychiatric issues but ordinary parlance would I think include the words’Walter Mitty’ and ‘liar’. I feel very sorry for his mother who has been taken in for so long and hope she can move him forwards.

In the US, it is not uncommon to study and work at the same time

If you are an international student, you are required to have a certain number of credits to be officially registered at the university and also to be able to keep your F1 or J1 visa.

I am afraid OP's son has been telling a bunch of lies too

I forgot - there are also limits to how much you can work and area of work while holding a visa

GSM I think he has mentally disabilities and has spun this web of disinformation because of that. He needs psychological and possibly psychiatric help to enable him to turn his life around and start to live in the world - or he may possibly need to live in a sheltered environment.

Yes. You’re always very wise MOnica.

He was working as a tutor in the US when he needed to to continue with his PhD. Is there any reason that he cannot do that in the UK to contribute to bills? or has he just got too used to you paying for him?

GSM No I am not.

MOnica, perhaps you will allow me to say that you always give very wise advice and you are very knowledgable.
Cold I missed that he was working as a tutor in the US but then his knowledge in this fast moving area would have been up to date. It won’t be now. So I don’t see that as an option unless he has the ability to work as a tutor in a more static subject such as say maths, but even there he won’t be familiar with the National Curriculum so I really don’t think someone who has basically been messing around with computers for five years has what’s needed without a great deal of brushing up and going through the usual checks. He really does need professional assistance to move forwards.

I’m sorry but I have to be the odd one out here. I don’t think your son is just a freeloader, he sounds as if he has debilitating mental health issues. He appears to have nothing in his life but you and his cat. By all means look into advice to help him get benefits etc but please think carefully before forcing him out the door. Personally I’ve known two people in similar situations who went down that route, and without going into details, both had very tragic consequences.

*JeanneLeFol. You are not the odd one out here. This is what a significant number of us have already said. Just read up this page.

Apologies MOnica - I’d missed that.

geekesse

I worked full time, was a single parent to five children, and finished my part-time PhD in six years. If he’s spent seven years in the US and five years in the U.K. working full time on his research, that makes 12 years. I think it highly unlikely he’s ever going to finish it - in fact, I’d want to see proof that he is still registered with the university.

Even if he does complete his research, there’s no guarantee that he’ll be awarded a PhD. In the meantime, at the very least, your son should be working to support himself and pay his way while he is living in the U.K. Are you quite sure he’s actually working on his research and not playing video games, gambling or watching porn while he’s ‘working’?

Just what I was thinking!!
And do you know what he has in storage out there, and that the money is definitely going towards it and not to some debt or other he got into, or even going to him via some roundabout route?
I'm an un-trusting person which does make me a tad paranoid, I know, but you really need to check things out properly!!