To say what more can we do?

ElaineRI55

Clearly your husband didn't stop to think before he spoke to your nanny. The situation has obviously upset you or you wouldn't have posted here.
Some of the replies, I feel, go further into the realms of unfounded accusations than your husband's clumsy words.
Firstly, well done on caring for your grandchildren - I'm sure that can't be easy. We're exhausted just having one of them overnight!
I'm sure working while looking after grandchildren, and also having had to deal with whatever circumstances led to you having custody of them will have taken it's toll.
The idea of asking her to take the keys while you're away was probably well intentioned but not the best way to demonstrate trust. She may have found the suggestion a bit odd or stressful, in fact.
Anyway - if the relationship with her has been good in the past and, more importantly, the kids like her and are safe with her - try to slowly rebuild the relationship if she stays in the role.
Little things like wishing her a happy birthday if you know when it is, asking after her family members if she's discussed them in the past, expressing genuine thanks and praise for specific things she's done with the kids and so on might slowly rebuild the relationship (more than offering extra duties). Maybe a Christmas card ( with a more special gift than usual if you usually give one) expressing thanks for all she does, and gently saying sorry for upsetting her, might help as well.
Good luck.

Wise words. So many people rushing to judge and failing to understand the human failure, regret and remorse in this situation.

It would be great if we were Al perfect and never made mistakes.

Thank you Elaine.

I used to be a nanny and held the key for the house as was in and out very often. I was never asked to mind the house when they were away but on one occasion ai was contacted by the family who were abroad. Their neighbour had told them that they had been burgled, the neighbour that is. My employer called me up,to ask if I would mind going into the house and checking all was ok, even though there could well,have been someone unwanted inside robbing the house! I did go but felt nervous about it. I sometimes think that jobs such as a nanny have blurred boundaries and employers can and do expect more than the job entails. It does depend sometimes on the kind of relationship that exists, maybe you might consider yourself a friend rather than an employee, but even if you do, ultimately you are still an employee however much you are thought of as part of the family.
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OP sounds a lot like TopsyandTim though the circumstances outlined (custody of grandchildren) are different.

From a nanny pov, albeit years ago, 3 summers as a student, there are 2 killers to successful employment under Domestic which causes agencies to be wary of both staff and employers. Answering ada in The Lady offered no protection obviously.
Live in posts make nannies most vulnerable, which is not the case here which is possibly how and why this nanny is still prepared to stay? who knows
These were the insidious “she likes a drink” (I did once accept a temp job for a week as the nanny was in hospital, opened the wardrobe door to find 3 years worth of brandy and wine bottles neatly stacked but I digress)
the otheris the phenomenon described to me by the jaded, cynical yet charming proprietor ofanagency in South Kensington, of the Emerald Brooch.
“The maid has left and taken my emerald brooch” which she hasnt of coursebut ensures the hapless maid (nanny) becomes a pariah, unable to find employment.
This was done to me by a Famous Actress who apparentlymade a habit of it, the agency covered for me as they “knew her game” but at the time it was very upsetting.
There are many reasons why nannies leave the house/employ at first light! wellactually its usually the same reason which the lady of the house might suspect.
This relationship has now broken down which is a shame for all concerned.
Having a key to the house in a caretaking context is a completely different responsibility isnt it?

Wise words. So many people rushing to judge and failing to understand the human failure, regret and remorse in this situation.

I think many do understand the human failure, regret and re morse". However they are trying to get the OP, with varying degrees of kindness, to understand that there is little that can be done now, time MAY help but may not etc and that this really is not the Nanny's fault! And kindness and thoughtfulness and care may work over time, an answer to her original question!

What I don't understand about this whole scenario is how someone (or two people) can so signally fail to understand what no means.

The nanny has apparently refused a key several times. It doesn't matter why. What matters is that she has said no she doesn't want to accept one. No is very easy to understand.

The whys and wherefores of her negative response are only relevant to her employers because they (a) perhaps feel a bit guilty for the clumsiness of the man-talk and (b) because they want someone to have a key to the house when they're away. Instead of just accepting no for a perfectly reasonable answer and finding someone else to ask they make it into a trust issue.

It isn't about trust. It's about someone not wanting the responsibility she was asked to take on. Why the hell should she? I ask that regardless of any background blether. She doesn't want that job. It's very simple. The employers just need to accept that and move on.

In short: Jeez! Stop complicating it!

It's about someone not wanting the responsibility she was asked to take on. Why the hell should she? I ask that regardless of any background blether. She doesn't want that job. It's very simple. The employers just need to accept that and move on.

I would tend to agree Baggs. But clearly as the relationship is now "awkward" at the very least I suppose time and kindness might help with that aspect. Anything else ..yes find someone else to have the key and move on.

I don’t understand why your husband needed to even mention about the jewellery and laptop - he clearly thought the nanny was guilty. You say he’s clumsy but this isn’t the first time he’s upset someone with his statements or accusations.
I feel really sorry for the nanny, that’s an awful position to be put in, what on earth did you expect the poor person to do? Deny it? Admit it?
As for checking the house, well that’s preposterous and if I were her I wouldn’t want to ever be in your house alone for fear of what I might be accused of next.

If I was in the Nanny’s shoes I would wonder if I’m being set up, especially after a chat about a robbery which didn’t happen. Then twice you have asked her to be a key holder while you go away on holiday which is something she doesn’t feel comfortable about. It’s not a matter of whether you can prove you trust her, but whether she can trust you. Lock the house securely when you go out or away and take your keys with you. If you have animals to feed or plants to water ask a friend or relative. Please don’t ask the Nanny again if you want to keep her as an employee.