Gransnet forums


I've refused to be mum's POA

(54 Posts)
Peacelily321 Sat 20-Nov-21 18:05:07

For the last twenty five years I've regularly visited my mum who is two hours away and helped her with things around the house. We've had a bumpy mother-daughter relationship because my father was violent towards me and she has tried to avoid or minimise her responsibilities in this. She allowed my father to stay in the marital home until I was eleven and the damage was done.
She is now approaching eighty. I have a sister who has always resented me because I did well at school and was popular etc. My sister has, for the last twenty years, pushed me away, ignored me, not sent cards, not allowed me to have enduring relationships with my niece and nephew, and cancelled plans I've made with her at the last minute. We had a fight twenty years ago which we both apologised to each other for after ten years and I thought everything was resolved. It turns out I was wrong and the silent behaviour carries on. I have now given up trying to have any civil interaction with my sister and have reached some sort of acceptance that she doesn't want to know.
My mum can say hurtful things, which have recently included:

You shouldn't wear those leggings, you're too fat for those.

Grandma never liked you because you look like your father (a total shock which left me in tears).

Your father went for you because you must have done something to set him off. (no excuse for child abuse)

You never gave the change back when you were little but your sister did so I trust her (another new comment just yesterday).

You're just like your father.

You're just a spiteful Jew girl.

You're hopeless at maths. (I run budgets for multi million £ programmes).

You're here to clear me out (helping to clear the garage which is INFESTED with vermin).

Mum is showing signs of mild confusion and strange behaviour. I suspect dementia. However, because my sister is never available or contactable, it is very difficult to discuss this with her. I also struggle every weekend with the spiteful comments which are hard not to take personally.
My mum has repeatedly asked if I will hold joint power of attorney with my sister.
Every time she raises the subject, my hair falls out in a patch, I've lost half my eyelashes, I don't sleep and I end up crying or feeling deeply worried about how I would be treated by my sister (and spiteful husband who has also blocked me seeing her).
Today I refused to take up POA on the grounds that the stress of it would affect my health and I see the joint POA proposal as futile, mostly because I can envisage my sister railroading my decision-making, which would further affect my mental health.
I feel like I've been an A-hole (and mum has gone into narcissistic injury mode today....quite talented at this over the years) but I genuinely feel like I've been treated unreasonably and I don't want to deal with all the unpleasantness.

Has anyone got advice for this situation?

Peacelily321 Mon 22-Nov-21 18:38:57

Mum has had antibiotics for each UTI this year. They seem to keep arriving in the post every three months from the hospital?! It's almost like they know she'll have a UTI every three months!

Hithere Mon 22-Nov-21 18:50:25


Repeat with me - her health is not my problem

Madgran77 Mon 22-Nov-21 19:04:00

I made sure to have 'me time' this weekend and treated myself to some new clothes in a big M&S store which has made me feel like my normal, glamorous self (much needed after this pandemic!)

That is good Peacelily. Please do consider :

1. Counselling
2. Contact
3. How you respond if in contact