Charging family for Christmas lunch

Asking people to provide something specific such as wine or cheese or dessert is fair I think but asking for financial contributions is vulgar and crass to my mind

Well, to be honest, freedomfromthepast, I think if I was in your situation and finding it too expensive to host, I would say so and say I’m sorry but I can’t host it this year. Your family would surely understand, and if they didn’t, then really, that would be their problem, not yours.

The thing is, as a family, we have always contributed food or drink to family get together, including Christmas, so for example, someone would bring a trifle or other dessert, someone might bring cheese, another might pay for the meat, someone else brings wine, etc.

I think I just find their request to family to pay a set amount of money when said family voluntarily help them out with lots of things over the year, bizarre and a bit of a cheek, (especially charging their parents). If they really can’t afford it, then they shouldn’t offer in the first place, I feel.

They don’t have young children to consider, either.

Not sure how “close” this family is. Am assuming they aren’t organizing a massive family reunion in a hotel? If not, and in a house, I wouldn’t go either. I’ve arranged many family Christmas dinners over the years and would not have expected anyone I invited to contribute for the meal ( anything they did contribute was entirely voluntary) IF any of them asked me for payment now, I wouldn’t say anything but would politely be engaged elsewhere ?

LauraNorderr

Never heard anything like it before. YANBU
Weird

When you lived in Australia, did people bring a dish to a buffet lunch or dinner? That seemed to me to be a good idea, particularly if someone is hosting large numbers.

I think that might just be acceptable here if it's a close family member, eg "Mum, do you mind bringing a pudding, you're so good at puddings"

But charging? Unless they're doing it for charity - No.

We pay my mum every year. We used to all bring something along but not only is she a better cook, I think she prefers having it all under control.

She hosts every year and we all gladly throw the cash at her (not literally) because the food and drink from start to finish, is incredible.

I think it’s horses for courses. It’s an expensive day and we don’t want her to be out of pocket every year.

If we ever couldn’t pay though it’s not like we would be uninvited.

Is it deja vu or have we had this thread before, maybe a different poster.

I agree with GillT57 asking guests to bring dessert or wine etc is fine but asking for payment is crass.

Septimia

I can see your point of view freedomfromthepast, but there are other ways of doing it if costs are becoming prohibitive. A shared meal is one, with everyone bringing a contribution. Or simply inviting fewer people.

We typically do a shared meal septimia. I still shoulder the most of the cost, which I do not mind doing.

Fewer guests may be a solution yes, but I know my family would never let me hear the end of it if I left someone out. I am then put into a situation where I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

Honestly, I can't please everyone. If I ask for a shared meal, someone will complain because I had the nerve to ask them to bring something. If I ask for money contribution, someone will complain about that. If I decrease my guest list size, that will upset someone else.

When I give up and stop hosting all together, everyone will sit back and complain and wonder what happened to having the family get togethers for the holidays and why don't we do that any longer.

When the cost of the meal, including guests bringing a dish, is = to the cost of a weeks groceries for a family of 4, decisions have to be made. I have not, in the 15 years I have been hosting, asked for financial contribution. I am just looking at it from a different viewpoint, one that is, unfortunately, going to be more common if inflation continues to grow where I am.

The hosts need to cut their coat according to the cloth they have. If they can't afford to host, then don't. If guests offer to chip in with contributions, that's fine and I'm sure they'd be gratefully received but asking for cash payment, in order to attend, is crass and cheap. I'd not want to spend any part of my Christmas or any other time with people like this.

Mapleleaf, we cross posted. my above post explains exactly what would happen if I chose not to host.

With my family, though, if I said to them that I could not afford to host, they would all pitch in without issue. They would rather help pay for the meal than to stop seeing each other for the holidays. But every family is different.

I am just trying to offer up a different viewpoint on the matter, that is all. Each family has to do what works for them.

I would still give them all the leftovers and not use them for another party. That is just uncouth.

I’ll also add, that in previous years, these same people have been to family Christmas meals and other meals, hosted by other family members (those they are inviting to them this year at a charge) without any charge imposed on them whatsoever, plus they’ve been given leftovers to take home, and happily accepted. Charging has never entered our heads, so where they’ve got the idea from, goodness knows, but they’ve got conveniently short memories regarding the freely given generosity of said family members to them.

Chewbacca you make a good point which I did not take into consideration. I would not ask for a per person fee for a meal. If I needed it, I would ask for any contribution anyone could make. If someone did not, they would not be turned away.

freedomfromthepast

Goodness! M&S do lovely meals for one (and some farm shops do too!).

They should realise there comes a time when you just can't physically do it and younger family members can take over.

Forty-five odd years ago we celebrated New Year with a quite a few friends. We were not rich and it was agreed from the start that we would all equally chip in but that wasn’t Christmas with family.

I have done, like most of gransnetters hold Christmas dinners or lunches with many round the table. Fourteen this year if daughter and boyfriend can hop over, but everyone will be bringing something alcohol, starters and dessert.
I would feel very hurt if they asked me to pay for my part at theirs and then to add salt in into the wound use the leftovers with their friends.
As I live in a flat, close family do clear the table so that they can sit in the armchairs, which have been put aside for the meal.

That’s fine, freedom, and I think I’m probably not putting things across very well, but as a family, we have always pitched in by bringing various things to the gatherings we have, but we’ve never charged a fee to each other, and it’s the charging a fee to attend that I find very bizarre, and I wonder where they’ve got the idea to do so from.

Oh for goodness sake, whatever next?!!
I would never dream of charging anyone who I had invited over for dinner!
Yes, it's nice if someone offers to bring dessert or some extra special wine etc but to actually charge guests..........NO! Not in my home!
Now, if the host were to ask for a cash donation to a charity ......that would be a different matter altogether.

Mapleleaf

I’m quite interested in how ‘close’ these family members are to you. Are they cousins, nephews and nieces, in laws?
I assume from your post they are not siblings, but might be incorrect on that?

Freedom from the past? Probably not the best name for this thread eh? “NO freedom” springs to mind.

So you provide and can’t afford to but say you don’t mind? Which is it?
So what if everyone wonders where their thanksgiving dinner is? Let THEM provide it. ? not even sure I could go there. Just tell them you can’t afford it! Then disappear to a lakeside retreat and leave them to it ???

I think it’s cheeky and insensitive.

A couple of years ago a friend of mine was invited to a baby shower - and charged £15 for the privilege . Given that the general idea of a baby shower is that the mother-to-be is 'showered' with gifts for the baby, I thought this was shockingly rude. The parents-to-be are both high earners, and wanted the baby shower to be held in a high class venue, but clearly didn't want to have to foot the bill themselves.

Oddly enough, the parents-to-be organised the whole thing themselves - I imagine they were worried that leaving it to a friend to arrange, as is usually the case, might have meant lowering their standards.

Mapleleaf Maybe, there are other's who will not be going who could spend Christmas together with you. Might set the cat among the pigeons but you can’t be dictated to and forced to be alone.

I think it depends really. If they are asking for £5 or £50, if they are good cooks or not, if they are inviting 2 or 20.

If they have decided to invite lots of family who are elderly, would be alone or whatever and it is going to be a financial stretch for them then fair enough.

Too many variables really.

Calendargirl

Mapleleaf

I’m quite interested in how ‘close’ these family members are to you. Are they cousins, nephews and nieces, in laws?
I assume from your post they are not siblings, but might be incorrect on that?

Same question. A niece here organises a big do at Chrismas for about 30 people- not just parents and children- but older aunts, uncles, friends who would be lonely otherwise. We provide the venue for free, and are with them if we are not in the UK. It was decided years ago that it was just too much for the same people to bear not only the organisation, but the cost as well. So it is all totted up and divided by number of participants (with discretion, if it is known some member or other can't contribute) - and everyone is happy.

It's always the same niece who organises it, why should she have to put in all the hard work, and bear the cost for 30? Fair enough, I say. Just depends how it is done.

JulieNoted

A couple of years ago a friend of mine was invited to a baby shower - and charged £15 for the privilege . Given that the general idea of a baby shower is that the mother-to-be is 'showered' with gifts for the baby, I thought this was shockingly rude. The parents-to-be are both high earners, and wanted the baby shower to be held in a high class venue, but clearly didn't want to have to foot the bill themselves.

Oddly enough, the parents-to-be organised the whole thing themselves - I imagine they were worried that leaving it to a friend to arrange, as is usually the case, might have meant lowering their standards.

Can't have been that high class if £15 a head covered it.

They appear to be the highest earners which would make it seem 10 times worse. I also would refuse to go but if people do go they should strip the table of food after the meal, after all, they have paid for it so have a right to take something home for their own meal the next day.

Never heard anyone in my circle doing that thankfully in fact never heard of it at all
No I wouldn’t attend blooming cheek
Not for me