Charging family for Christmas lunch

GillT57

Asking people to provide something specific such as wine or cheese or dessert is fair I think but asking for financial contributions is vulgar and crass to my mind

I organised a street party once for a big celebration. I found the trouble with people agreeing/offering to bring certain things can mean who are missing a vital ingredient e.g. we had big tubs of ice cream to make ice cream cones for the children, plus flakes and sprinkles and sauces. Unfortunately the one who was actually bringing the cones didn't. The children all had to be sent indoors to get bowls and spoons which wasn't quite the same. If I did it again I rather get the contributions, buy the stuff and know it was sorted.

Mapleleaf

That’s fine, freedom, and I think I’m probably not putting things across very well, but as a family, we have always pitched in by bringing various things to the gatherings we have, but we’ve never charged a fee to each other, and it’s the charging a fee to attend that I find very bizarre, and I wonder where they’ve got the idea to do so from.

Presumably you paid for the things you contributed so I can't see why it is a big deal for them to prefer the money and then they can be organised.

Imagine if Auntie Fanny promised to bring the sprouts and she didn't. You can't have Christmas without sprouts.

Then Auntie Mary forgot she was supposed to do a trifle and Uncle John forgot he was bringing the brandy.

Before you know it it would be cheese and crackers and a cup of tea for Christmas lunch.

I think it’s a dreadful thing to do. If you can’t afford to feed that many then don’t do it . Or ask for help with the food ie bring this or that. I’ve only ever had close family for Xmas - once did a huge get together for a more extended family and my sister’s in law arranged to get wine etc delivered and my nieces brought posh crackers and chocolates - but I didn’t ask them to it was offered . If we stayed with family for an extended Xmas then we would do one of the shops and pay for it plus take some luxuries . In my experience guests bring more than they take -on every level. Don’t do it if you don’t want to! I’d say no and explain why to be honest

I don't know

If I asked family if we all wanted to go out to a restaurant for Christmas dinner for a year, I'd put it to them in a way that made it clear we would all be contributing I think.

I think how it was asked matters.

I would personally not ask for money though and ask for food/drink contributions instead but maybe people would rather chip in and not do any shopping?

theworriedwell

JulieNoted

A couple of years ago a friend of mine was invited to a baby shower - and charged £15 for the privilege . Given that the general idea of a baby shower is that the mother-to-be is 'showered' with gifts for the baby, I thought this was shockingly rude. The parents-to-be are both high earners, and wanted the baby shower to be held in a high class venue, but clearly didn't want to have to foot the bill themselves.

Oddly enough, the parents-to-be organised the whole thing themselves - I imagine they were worried that leaving it to a friend to arrange, as is usually the case, might have meant lowering their standards.

Can't have been that high class if £15 a head covered it.

We're only talking tea/coffee and cake here, not a meal or even a full buffet. Alcohol could be purchased separately.

It's always the same niece who organises it, why should she have to put in all the hard work, and bear the cost for 30? Fair enough, I say. Just depends how it is done.

But that's not the same situation is it kali2? Your party of guests have all decided, as a collective, that the organisational costs and food costs are to be equally borne by those with the means to do so. Mapleleaf's situation isn't the same at all. She's been invited to attend a Christmas Day lunch, by a relative, and has then been informed that she will have to pay a set amount for the privilege. From the information provided in the OP this wasn't discussed as a viable option "as a group"; it's been more of a demand and therefore unacceptably rude. Tell them to shove it where the sun don't shine Mapleleaf!

Imagine if Auntie Fanny promised to bring the sprouts and she didn't. You can't have Christmas without sprouts.

I know someone who would! We have to put them at the far end of the table from her ?

That's ridiculous. I'd be declining the invitation.

Mapleleaf

I think I just find their request to family to pay a set amount of money when said family voluntarily help them out with lots of things over the year, bizarre and a bit of a cheek, (especially charging their parents). If they really can’t afford it, then they shouldn’t offer in the first place, I feel.

I think that's the crux of the matter. They've turned it into a commercial exchange which is not really what hosting is about.

... and charging their own parents? Sheesh!

freedomfromthepast

Septimia

I can see your point of view freedomfromthepast, but there are other ways of doing it if costs are becoming prohibitive. A shared meal is one, with everyone bringing a contribution. Or simply inviting fewer people.

We typically do a shared meal septimia. I still shoulder the most of the cost, which I do not mind doing.

Fewer guests may be a solution yes, but I know my family would never let me hear the end of it if I left someone out. I am then put into a situation where I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

Honestly, I can't please everyone. If I ask for a shared meal, someone will complain because I had the nerve to ask them to bring something. If I ask for money contribution, someone will complain about that. If I decrease my guest list size, that will upset someone else.

When I give up and stop hosting all together, everyone will sit back and complain and wonder what happened to having the family get togethers for the holidays and why don't we do that any longer.

When the cost of the meal, including guests bringing a dish, is = to the cost of a weeks groceries for a family of 4, decisions have to be made. I have not, in the 15 years I have been hosting, asked for financial contribution. I am just looking at it from a different viewpoint, one that is, unfortunately, going to be more common if inflation continues to grow where I am.

When I give up and stop hosting all together, everyone will sit back and complain and wonder what happened to having the family get togethers for the holidays and why don't we do that any longer.

So if it's family - perhaps another member could do the hosting for a change instead of you? Why does it always have to be you?

People's circumstances change - maybe it's time for the complainers to do the dinner thing?

Mapleleaf, I'm really shocked that anyone would even think about charging their guests. What dreadful bad manners - and no, it's not the 'done thing' at all.

My lot always ask what I'd like them to bring. I say maybe drinks or snacks that their children prefer or perhaps some extra mince pies - just small things.

I would think that if someone is unable to afford to cover the cost of hosting then they should not be inviting anyone. Bringing a contribution is a different matter and a gesture of goodwill.

Whatever next!
Christmas hardly comes cheap - I can remember all the years when we hosted all of DH’s family and somehow the offer of “I’ll make the cake/pudding” however kindly meant, didn’t anywhere like meet the expense, but giving is what you do at Christmas so that was what we did- and willingly!
It was nice though when somebody offered to provide the drinks, or one year Granny said she would buy the turkey!
This year D2, SIL and GS and I will be staying with D1 and family. So D2 and I have offered to take responsibility for one day each so I am taking Christmas Eve supper for everybody, D1 and SIL will be responsible (with us all mucking in) for Christmas Day and D2 and her husband for the ham , salads etc for the Boxing Day meal. It seems a fair division of labour to me .
But to get back to paying for family meal - we would never ever fail to offer a pudding, the wine, the starter or some contribution ( not financial) to a meal.
Better then to go out and split the bill.

If they can't afford it/don't want to do it then best to say so and pass the baton to someone else.

ValerieF

Freedom from the past? Probably not the best name for this thread eh? “NO freedom” springs to mind.

So you provide and can’t afford to but say you don’t mind? Which is it?
So what if everyone wonders where their thanksgiving dinner is? Let THEM provide it. ? not even sure I could go there. Just tell them you can’t afford it! Then disappear to a lakeside retreat and leave them to it ???

I apologize if I was not clear.

I have hosted family gathers for 15 years. I enjoy doing so and have no plans to stop. The younger generation in our family are still teens and young adults, so they wont be hosting any time soon.
I have never asked for money to do so.
Everyone typically brings a dish, though I do spend the most for the main part of the meal.

The point of my post is to say that, I can understand WHY someone would ask for contributions only because this year it has cost me more than twice what I normally pay each year. If inflation keeps up here in the US, I may have to decide to ask family members for other options, one being them contributing to the cost of the meal. I know that my family would not have a problem with that at all, but each family is different.

It was not until Chewbacca's post that I realized I was missing the point the OP was talking about being charged a per person rate vs. helping for the cost of the meal. I was thinking more in the lines of family helping out with the cost, as it has gotten extremely expensive this year, vs. just charging everyone to show up. Two completely different things, though I wonder if in the OP's case they thought this was the best solution to the increased cost and went with that option.

I am quite sure that one day, my husband and I will be spending some holidays at a lake house alone. I am sure I will look back longingly at the time when everyone gathered together to see each other and celebrate, but also be relieved that I am not doing all the work. Our next generation will make their own traditions and I hope will love some of the ones we have now enough to use going forward.

I will always offer to help pay for the meal once my children take over the duties though, if I am able to. j

I only discovered this was a thing when I read a very similar thread on MN where the hosts also kept leftovers for their Boxing Day soirée. I found it hard to believe anyone would think of doing this. Utter cheapskates.

My response would be a resounding no thank you!

Cheeky in my books. Never would I ever.

I do know a large family that decided amongst themselves that Christmas was getting too big for Mum to do, so they switch houses every year and do pot-luck. The host does the turkey, but that is it. Everyone else contributes potatoes, veg, dressing, etc. I think at last count they were over 30 people, and no-one had a house big enough, so they rented the curling club dining area. The kids had lots of room to run around, and the kitchen there was good enough to host and keep dinner warm.

I would be happy if I was asked to bring a dish or two. If asked to pay I would decline.

We often ask our family members to bring something if there are a lot coming and they usually ask what to bring anyway. If we meet in a restaurant everyone pays their own except for a couple who have very little money and we usually shout them. I would not even think of asking them to pay if it is home based and no one I know would,either. I don’t think I would go, not my sort of people.

A few yrs ago when I was on Jobseekers, my income was £73 a week, I said I would host Christmas dinner (would be basic one not with all the fancy goods etc) But my mum insisted that she gave me some money towards and also my dds.

Which I did accept and a good time was had.

But no I would never have asked for any payment, contributions of food etc then yes but not money.

This year I am hosting the day, but my dad is buying the meat, his choice and he's happy to do that as makes him feel useful and that he's helped.

For the last few years we have all spent Christmas with one of my DDs who has a large enough house to accommodate everyone. I always put a little bit of money in their account to go towards this, even though I know they can afford it. I think they appreciate the gesture that says "You are not taken for granted."

My mother spent every Christmas with us and never contributed a thing, not even a bottle of wine!

She would say after the meal “ You should have let me pay for the turkey” I was always tempted to say thanks £100 please.

I think Luckgirl is a lovely mum to just transfer some money.
My mothers attitude was “they can afford it”

I wouldn't dream of charging if I'd decided to host and would decline any invitation where I was asked or, take my card with me and when I was told they don't take card payments, say I was sorry but I don't carry cash.

I would do as you do Luckygirl and/or take a few bottles to be enjoyed with the meal.

I think inviting people and then asking for money is wrong.

If you're being invited to someone's house every year for Christmas though I think you should be either making a decent contribution towards the meal eg a Christmas pudding, a few bottles of wine, a cheeseboard and a starter, or giving a generous voucher as a Christmas present.
Or reciprocating with a meal on Boxing day, New Year's eve etc.

If I am invited anywhere I always ask if I can do a dessert or bring a bottle, most often it’s a bottle. However if I was cash strapped I would ask them to “bring a bottle”, no way would I ask for a cash contribution.

You don’t have to spend a fortune on a Christmas lunch, a frozen supermarket turkey looks exactly the same as an expensive fresh one when it’s cooked and vegetables are cheap enough at the market, OK preparation would take longer but that’s part of the challenge, doing a really special feast without breaking the bank.