To refuse to have my niece stay with me anymore?

Hi GoodyNanny. How are things going with you and your niece?
I hope you have a calm, peaceful and restorative 2022. X

The dogs are an immense added strain; without them perhaps you would find this very unhappy girl a little less exhausting.

Perhaps she would be less distressed.
Imagine being forced to be with these filthy animals all the time.

GoodyNanny your sister is getting away from her animals and her filthy house, a lot of the time.
You niece is never being allowed to escape.

This is abuse of the girl and someone needs to stand up for her.
If not you, then who?

Goodynanny
Time to set up firm boundaries. Absolutely refuse to have the dogs again. It is outrageous that you should be expected to put up with them (and equally outrageous that this disturbed child should have to live in such filth; your sister sounds as if she herself is dysfunctional; is she? Should you say something to Social Services?). Then decide about your niece. What can you manage? How often? The dogs are an immense added strain; without them perhaps you would find this very unhappy girl a little less exhausting. Once you have come to a decision about what you can do, lay it on the line to your sister. Easier said than done, I know. But you have to take care of yourself. That isn't selfish, it's common sense. Your well-being matters; so does that of your partner. Look after yourselves. Do what you can for the girl - you can do no more. All the best.

You and your partner need to talk to your sister TOGETHER.

Neither of you are being unreasonable saying that you cannot cope with your niece plus two untrained, filthy dogs.

Nor, as you are finding your niece's abuse and the anxiety about whether she might harm herself while with you to much, should you be expected to have her without the dogs.

Social security might be more willing to step in, if your sister can honestly inform them that you are no longer, due to your own ill-health able to have your niece staying.

Whether they will or will not help, make it clear to your sister that you can do no more.

Doesn't bear thinking, MercuryQueen. Poor child, bless her.

My heart breaks for the child.

I can't imagine how horrific it is to live with dogs that toilet in the house. It was a nightmare for OP on a weekend basis, imagine it on the daily!

The poor kid has bluntly stated that her mother leaves her feeling unloved with how often she's out. I wonder what ELSE the kid's said, that is being ignored by her mother.

Honestly, if it were me, I'd looking for ways to support the 14 yo. No dogs, no sister, just the kid. She sounds in desperate need of support, love, and stability. And a clean home, ffs.

has your sister had a carers assessment, and you could ask for one as well, as caring for a child with mental health issues, even short periods is difficult.
My son, who is now 24, was a nightmare when younger, he is autistic and would beat me up daily, there was no support and CAMHS are hopeless, but the he has, mostly, grown out of this. He finally got a support worker/volunteer , who was able to give him some stability of support when we were referred to the youth offending team, not because he had done anything wrong but because they were ones with money to spare.
I really think its stability that children need, to often professionals, teacher and CAMHS staff move roles so often it isn't provided. I would say no to dogs but try and manage niece, even if only for a couple of hours a week.

their dogs are not housetrained and poohed all over the house, including on the beds.

Really think about what it is like for the girl to live with this all the time.

Tell your sister to put a stop to it.
If she doesn't, you can report anonymously to social services.
Being adopted or not doesn't affect reporting that the child is being forced to live in a filthy environment.

Other suggestions, re taking the girl out etc, are good but how can she be anything approaching happy in a filthy house?

In my opinion, You Would Be Unreasonable to simply refuse to have her to stay and basically wash your hands of her.

Hormonal 14 year olds are very hard work but generally they take it out on parents and teachers. If it’s more than that maybe your sister should be asking Social Services if she was given full medical disclosure when she adopted her daughter.
A friend’s daughter adopted a boy a few years ago and was not told that the child had early onset Huntington’s disease. One of the symptoms was extreme and sometimes violent mood swings. After a long process she finally managed to get hold of ALL of his medical records which had been held back from her and she admits that had she been made fully aware she would likely not have adopted him, especially as she has 2 adopted children with special needs.
Your sister needs to ask the question as it the information is unlikely to be offered by SS.
Good luck I hope you get a resolution soon.

I hate to think what the house is like with these dogs that just go potty anywhere, and often!!!
Surely SS should be doing something about that, at the very least!!
EURGH, her place must stink!
I'm sure she could still send her daughter to respite but it would come out of her own pocket, so she probably sees you as her 'cheap alternative' and that isn't fair on either you or your niece - not to mention that your niece probably needs breaks, too, with people who are best suited to help her enjoy herself on her breaks!!
That's not to say you can't, GoodyNanny, but I do think your sister is taking the proverbial in saying SS won't send her to respite!!
Maybe someone else knows how much it would cost out of your sisters own pocket, as I'm sure she can pay privately!!!

I absolutely agree with everyone about the dogs. Just the thought of them makes me feel sick. Just say no.
As for your niece I wonder if she would actually appreciate a weekend with you more without the dogs, particularly if you are tidier and more organised than her mother. Perhaps first though just invite her for a meal at yours, not when her mother just chooses to dump her with you, but a special invitation arranged to suit her and you. You sound like someone who could offer her a great deal in the way of support. She has so many problems, including a mother who doesn't seem to be helping so if you could spend a little time with her it might help. But it is entirely your decision and no one should pressure you.

I would say no to the dogs coming. Would it be easier to deal with your niece if the dogs weren't part of it?

How long does your niece normally stay? If you really can't deal with her needs, then maybe you could have her for shorter times, or for day visits?

Whatever you decide, it should be done with consideration that here is a child who feels unloved and rejected by her mother who is not present enough, it seems. She is no doubt deeply insecure after all she has been through. What she needs most is a consistent and present adult in her life who can show her love and acceptance and that she will not be given up on. Yes, these are tough issues you are dealing with but it must be hard to be your niece too. Maybe you could seek some counselling support about how to handle the situation with your niece? Poor kid. If you really need to step back, make sure that she knows it's because of your health rather than anything to do with her.

I'd definitely say no to the dogs.

I am very sorry for the dilemma you find yourself in; you want to support your sister and her daughter, but she is taking advantage of your good nature and reneging on her responsibilities. People adopt without realising the impact it will have on their life, and then expect everyone else, from social services to schools to family to support them.
First: absolutely refuse to take on her dogs; she should rehome them as she is not caring for them adequately and they are distressing her daughter.
Secondly: her daughter. Your sister sounds unfit to care for her; she doesn't seem to have any understanding that her needs must come first, and going out and going away for breaks is no way to care for a damaged child. The girl is difficult and challenging and may be manipulative, but she has adopted her through choice and she is her responsibility. You have to confront her with this and refuse to sanction any more weekends away.

Would you be able to see the daughter at your home regularly but for short periods to give her a respite from her mother, (but definitely without dogs), and on the understanding that you cannot cope with difficult behaviour?

Your sister most probably does need a break but maybe that could be encouraged via your niece being encouraged to join groups or activities she is interested in? Camhs here do various groups. I think she needs to shout a bit louder wrt social services. I know your niece has problems but I think it is ok for you to say to her and your sister you cannot cope with another weekend like the one you have just had, so either the issues with anger/upset are dealt with and coping strategies in place before she stays overnight again. Then you could have her for shorter periods without excluding her altogether iykwim

This is a very upset young girl who needs you. Please listen to her.
With regard to the dogs could you start to train them at your place? Perhaps get your grand daughter to help?
It sounds like a real mess to me.

Goodynanny

She is under CAMHS and has had various councillors and psychologists. She is also on anti depressants. One of the problems is she is very tidy and her mother is the complete opposite. She also complains that her mother goes out far too much and that makes her feel unloved. But my sister says she needs the breaks!
I will try and see her away from my home, I think maybe that might help.

Well here’s your answer her mother goes out too much and she feels unloved She cannot be clearer than that The mother took on these two girls lives and cannot give up at 14 and it’s not everyone else’s job it’s hers
Perhaps your sister needs counselling more than the daughter

Disco dancer. She adopted as a single mum, no partner.

There’s no reason for you to keep putting yourself under this kind of strain. It’s sad your niece is this way, but for you to keep on the way you are could detriment your health.

Is there no one else who could support her? Was she able to adopt as a single mum, or was she in a relationship then? Because if she was, surely the ex partner should be helping. I was adopted myself, but I’m sure the whole process is probably different now.

That said, please take care of yourself.

One of the problems is she is very tidy and her mother is the complete opposite. She also complains that her mother goes out far too much and that makes her feel unloved. But my sister says she needs the breaks!

It must be torment for the girl to live in a messy house with dogs defecating everywhere.
What is the point of mental health treatment for her when she has to live in those conditions?
Do social services know what the house is like?
You can report, anonymously, to them that the house is not a hygienic place for a child.

I think OP's sister needs to realise that an adopted child is not just for Christmas.

When a child is going through troubled times and needs support and attention, real parents, whether the child is adopted, or not stick it out and do not take breaks when the child is farmed out on someone else, while they recover. The child comes first, last and middle.

Socks that is harsh

If Camhs is involved your sister should be working together with them to help her daughter.
All you can do is try to be there and give them Both as much support as you are able,
Sister needs to limit her outings a bit and Maybe she and your niece could go out together sometimes. Don’t give up on the girl she can get through this stage given enough love and patience.

No one could take that. I wouldn't think of it. And she knows the dogs are not house trained but still sent them over. Not likely. They are all her responsibility. Say no. And keep saying it everything she asks. What about your mental health?? Stand firm she's taking tge proverbial

She is under CAMHS and has had various councillors and psychologists. She is also on anti depressants. One of the problems is she is very tidy and her mother is the complete opposite. She also complains that her mother goes out far too much and that makes her feel unloved. But my sister says she needs the breaks!
I will try and see her away from my home, I think maybe that might help.

Putting aside the dogs which you should not need to deal with, most unadopted 14 year olds can be very difficult so it’s not surprising this youngster is too given she will have extra issues especially of rejection.
Your sister needs to seek help initially with gp who can refer onto agencies which may help.
This is a confused and angry child who needs love and suppport hard though that may be at times.