Daughter out all night

DiscoDancer1975

That’s what this whole thread is about isn’t it? She is behaving like an irresponsible teen!

I disagree. I think she's acting like an adult who's not used to reporting in to her mother. I don't see how going out when her daughter is with their father is being an irresponsible teen at all. Should she be sitting at home, staring at the walls, waiting for her child's return?

Now, I do think a quick text to say, "Hey, not coming back tonight." wouldn't be a hardship, but I can also see where, "I'm a grown adult, trust me to make my own decisions." can come into play.

I think the best solution is for daughter to get her own place ASAP. No more worries about locking up for OP, and freedom to live an adult life without censure or supervision (or even just the perception of such) for the daughter.

DiscoDancer1975

That’s what this whole thread is about isn’t it? She is behaving like an irresponsible teen!

Exactly this!

That’s what this whole thread is about isn’t it? She is behaving like an irresponsible teen!

DiscoDancer1975

sodapop

I wish people would fully read the the OP before commenting. The daughter only stays out when her child is being cared for by her father.
I agree with Nanniejude a text to say she will not be back will save a lot of worry for her mother and is the polite and considerate thing to do.

I missed that last line too sodapop, where it’s stated that the daughter only goes out when the father has the grandchild. However, I still think the daughter needs to be reigned in, as it’s only a matter of time before it starts to happen when the child is in the house.

She's an adult. Why on Earth would she need reining in?

She's not an irresponsible teen with her first taste of freedom. At 29, she's presumably working, a parent, has been meeting her responsibilities for some time.

Hopefully, she and her daughter can move out before any attempts at 'reining in' happen, b/c I can't imagine a quicker way to damage the relationship than the OP treating her adult daughter like a child.

sodapop

I wish people would fully read the the OP before commenting. The daughter only stays out when her child is being cared for by her father.
I agree with Nanniejude a text to say she will not be back will save a lot of worry for her mother and is the polite and considerate thing to do.

I missed that last line too sodapop, where it’s stated that the daughter only goes out when the father has the grandchild. However, I still think the daughter needs to be reigned in, as it’s only a matter of time before it starts to happen when the child is in the house.

I think it would be courteous of her to let you know she won't be home.

The age of offspring is irrelevant. If I had a guest aged 70 who did this, I’d be worried. (And possibly impressed!) It’s just good manners to say you’re going to be late, home next day etc. She needs to be kind to you.

I wish people would fully read the the OP before commenting. The daughter only stays out when her child is being cared for by her father.
I agree with Nanniejude a text to say she will not be back will save a lot of worry for her mother and is the polite and considerate thing to do.

Exactly- one of our returned for many months in her 30s- fortunately we have a great relationship and we had a good chat after a couple of weeks later- and discussed honestly and frankly how we could avoid to get under each other's feet- and it worked really well. She would have never dreamt of staying out all night without letting us know- and she had my car for the duration.

I tell my adult daughter to text if she’s staying out all night, just to stop me worrying.

Good manners matter. She may indeed be an adult, but she has not yet learned this. You are quite right to ​ask this simple courtesy from her.

You have taken her in in her hour of need - the least she can do is this one small thing.

Your request is perfectly reasonable. You obviously can't force her to text you, but maybe try another chat and explain you'd be the same if your sibling or a friend was staying with you, and it's nothing to do with disapproving of her staying out.
One of these might help:
How would she feel if you or a fireman or policeman or neighbour were injured while looking for her if a fire broke out at 6am and you thought she was in when she wasn't? ( or there was a break-in, tree falling on the roof, ........)
Could she ask her friends if they think it's reasonable for you to ask for a text if she's staying out all night?

Muggle1965 I can understand how you feel. I worry more about my adult children when they are visiting here than when they are at their own homes, one in Bristol and one in London. I hardly ever wonder what they're doing when they are hundreds of miles away (I'm in Northumberland) but, if they're out and about locally, in the back of my mind I'm expecting them to come back.

I think this is very normal. I don't really when they are not staying in my home either it is like we are programmed to listen for them when they are home

Muggle1965 I can understand how you feel. I worry more about my adult children when they are visiting here than when they are at their own homes, one in Bristol and one in London. I hardly ever wonder what they're doing when they are hundreds of miles away (I'm in Northumberland) but, if they're out and about locally, in the back of my mind I'm expecting them to come back.

It wouldn't hurt for your daughter, before she leaves for a night out, to tell you she might stay out all night or to text or call you to let you know. That would be considerate. Also, if you know she's not going to be back till next day, you can bolt the door, before you go to bed, if that's your habit.

It's only courteous for her to let you know whether she will be home or not at night?

As she is living in your house I really don't see why you can't send her a text when you are getting ready for bed and ask if you can lock up or not. No need for an argument but if she really objects she better find her own accommodation where she can do as she likes.

I think it depends on your living arrangements. In our house you'd notice if someone wasn't home as it isn't a very house and sometimes people's cars are missing

I honestly don't think it is a big ask

stillaspringchicken

I may be missing something, but I'm not sure why you'd be in her room in the morning? Perhaps she's feeling checked up on which makes her defensive?

That's a thought the only time I knew my adult sons hadn't come home at night was when they'd failed to rise for breakfast before about noon. Quite often they walked in the door while I was still wondering if they were getting up

I may be missing something, but I'm not sure why you'd be in her room in the morning? Perhaps she's feeling checked up on which makes her defensive?

love0c

She has a two year old daughter. She is just assuming she can leave her with her mother. Abdicating her responsibility. She is definitely behaving like teenager. So many youngsters behave like this. They do what they want and to hell with anything that gets in their way.

Please read the OP first and digest.
29y old mother goes out. 2y old is with her father when this occurs. Not grandmother!

OP
When your daughter was younger and lived at home did you disapprove of her staying out all night? If so, then she probably thinks you are disapproving now and treating her like a teenager again. I assume she has a front door key, so simply go to bed and don't lock the door. Admittedly a brief text such as 'See you in the morning' would be thoughtful, but she may think it would worry you more knowing she won't be home. She's an adult and at 29 should be able to look after herself. Make the most of the time your daughter and granddaughter spend with you, don't spoil it with petty house rules.

When our son (then in his 30s) still lived with us, if he wasn't home when we went to bed we didn't lock the door. I never worried about him and slept like a log. DH did the worrying! One night we forgot and locked up, we found DS asleep on the doorstep in the morning, he didn't dare ring the bell and wake us up!

It's when the little girl is at her father's.

So you are looking after your 2 year old granddaughter whilst her mother is out galivanting all night.

I think her behaviour is disrespectful.
It looks like she is taking advantage of you.
Personally, I would be quite upset if that was my daughter.

There’s a huge difference between 8.30 and staying out all night.
If asking your adult child to text if they’re staying out all night is likely to cause a row, what kind of family relationships exist

How about not arguing- but just go and spend one night with a friend or sister, and then see how she reacts.